Keeping in touch..

Bluebell55

Ok, this might seem like a small problem, but its bugging me....

I have a group of about 4 or 5 very close friends at home, and we hardly ever see each other. We have all known each other for years, and ever since we left school, we haven't been as in touch as before. We used to go out most weekends, meet up during the week, go shopping and all that, but in the past 18 months, it has totally dried up......

We last went out together in January, and had a brilliant time, but any attempts to meet up have always fallen apart. We are all around home at the weekends, but still, never see each other. I know circumstances have changed, and some mightn't be as able to meet up as before.

I just feel like there is a big hole in my life. I do make the effort to text every week or so, and sometimes I get a reply, sometimes I don't. And we do keep saying we will do somethin, but it never comes to fruitition. I have mentioned how I feel, that I need them, etc, and they feel the same but nothing has been done.

Recently two of them have come out of long term relationships, and I feel like my "taken" status impinges on our friendship, but I think Im just being paranoid, as when a situation to do something comes up, Im there and with bells on...

I suppose I'm just looking to find out if other people are in the same situation, and what can I do to rectify the situation- i feel like i have done all i can, and just have to accept it.

By the way we are all in our early 20s...

The Black Oil

Aye, that can be tricky. Do you use facebook or something similar, I don't personally, people seem to use it for some parts of keeping in touch/organising stuff...might be easier than texting. Not sure how reliable it would be, though.

Could you start small and simply name a time and place and if people want to turn up it's up to them or would that seem like you're calling all of the shots? It means you are taking the initiative which sometimes is a pain, but can be worth it. How closely do you live together, can you invite some of them around for a night in, DVDs, chat, playstation etc? What helped the thing in January come to fruition, why did that work?

Are there other activities you're involved in that you use your spare time for? It's just that you probably don't want that hole to end up getting bigger and melting your head more than it already is. Not to say ignore your close friends just don't overanalyse it.

Bluebell55

Thanks Black Oil, I have used the whole Facebook and Bebo thing, but its just a message back saying things are grand and we should meet up soon, etc.

We live within 10 minutes from each other, so very close realy, we all drive.. there is no excuse really. I have tried the "lets go to the cinema, meet for coffee thing, call over", but its either cancelled at the last minute or its only me and another person. I don't mind taking the initiative, as I have for the last while, but there is a limit also, friendship should be a joint effort...

In January, it was one of the girls' 21st, so it was a definite night out. We were supposed to meet this Saturday night, but between one thing and another, they have all pulled out- understandably some have legitimate reasons. I know money could play a part in this, but money isn't necessary for the small things, for company. Like I can't even remember the last time I had a telephone conversation longer than 10 minutes with them- and you couldn't get us off the phone before!!!!

I have loads of friends in college, and I do keep myself fairly busy, but still have the time. I just don't want something to go to waste, because we are all going to need each other at the end of the day.

johnnyrotten

Unfortunatlely modern technology has caused a lot of a lack of real communication.
Remember the old days when you rang a mate on a landline and arranged to meet at 9 o'clock. No mobiles for texting or calling to be late or not turn up. Most emails people send are jokes etc.
Try just turning up at their door unannounced. don't text , its so impersonal.
Give it a go

LegacyUser

hey i know how it is. i think it affects girls more than guys. i actually feel the same alot of the time. we have a group of about 3 or 4 and because im in a relationship they seem to take off and do things during the day like spins and all that becuase they assume ill be doing something with my bf, some days im not and im just hanging around and then i find out they went of for the day, and i feel like crap then.
we go out often enough and always celebrate each others birthdays and all that but sometimes i wonder is this the way its meant to be when u get into your mid 20s. gone are the days when u would meet up in town to go shopping and do everything together. i sometimes feel like u just have to do all those things yourself, shopping, etc and you just ahve your friends for 'organised' events but all the day to day things u do by yourself if that makes sense? like when u were a teenager you'd do everything together from morning til evening but now people are too busy with their oen lives.

i dunno any other opinions? is there anyone out there in mid 20s who feel the same or do ye have friends ye do 'everything' with. i feel im doing more and more things on my own...

Bluebell55

Maybe its the way things go with certain people. Other things take over... I think the whole just turning up on the doorstep would be inappropriate.. Spose that just the way we are...

Like I love doing things on my own, but at the same time I want to do things with my friends from home. I don't want to be meeting them every two or three months and then having to tell them everything about whats happened in the last few months.

I think it should be more frequent. Maybe its just me, and this is "normal"...

Diddler82

Sounds like there could be something more to this...I could be wrong but Im just saying it.

Do they like your boyfriend? Is there any reason why they would exclude you because they dont like him or he has a sordid past?

Did you do anything to p*ss them off or anything, cancelling at the last minute or not seeing each other sounds to me like they are not overly keen to keep the friendship going?

I know other people have said things change, but honestly not that much to the point where they are practically ignoring you...maybe you need to talk to them and ask them do you do something wrong or is there a problem?

Bluebell55

Diddler82 wrote: »

Sounds like there could be something more to this...I could be wrong but Im just saying it.

Do they like your boyfriend? Is there any reason why they would exclude you because they dont like him or he has a sordid past?

Did you do anything to p*ss them off or anything, cancelling at the last minute or not seeing each other sounds to me like they are not overly keen to keep the friendship going?

I know other people have said things change, but honestly not that much to the point where they are practically ignoring you...maybe you need to talk to them and ask them do you do something wrong or is there a problem?

Ya I see what you mean, it could come off like that, but I don't think so! Ya they get on grand with him, but when we are together he isn't necessarily around, so he shouldn't be a problem even if they didn't get on. Plus one of them set him up with me in the first place!!!

Nope I have never cancelled on them, or done anything to piss them off. Like the conversations we do have are totally normal and everything picks up where it left off... I know its not a problem with me as they don't do anything without me, and they know I am free when they ask me to do something.. I wouldn't say we are ignoring each other either...

yeneewss

You are young, so let me save you twenty years of frustration. Let go. Let go your inability to keep this group together, let go your need to keep in touch with these people. If they want to keep in touch they will. If not, you will lose touch with them. If that happens IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. People come into our lives for different reasons. Some for the long haul, some for a small time to fill a specific need, and some for the time that you are physically together a lot. The long haulers will always be there for you but everyone else will fall away, for whatever reason. It's not a reflection on you but it hurts unless you learn to accept that this happens in life. I have spent many hours and years crying/fretting over people who have left my life and desperately trying to keep in touch with people I thought were friends but who never made the effort to stay in touch with me. It hurts to let go but it hurts more to keep banging your head against a wall of indifference or lack of loyalty. I have even questioned relationships that I had initally paid for (like a personal trainer and people like that) with whom I thought foolishly that things were more than just monetary between us, only to be kicked in the teeth. Helped people who asked for it and then who dropped me as a friend when they no longer needed me. Trust me, the keepers will always be there for you. All you can do is be yourself, be a good person and accept new people into your life but don't hold on to anyone too tight. Best wishes for your life ahead. You have many things to learn but if anyone else's advice can save you pain or heartache listen to them. Listen to the song, Sunscreen, by Baz Lurman. So much of it is true.
SS.

wonders00

Blubell i could have written your fist post as I am in the exact same situation, I'm now in my late twenties and my group of friends from home seem to have dispanded over the last 2-3 years. I know it's natural for people to move in different directions but I have always been the one to take the initiative to try and keep us in touch. I know it wouldnt be realistic to say we'd meet up every week or even every month but I expected that we'd at least meet up every few months. After a while of getting nowhere I sort of started to give up and now I'm more looking towards new friendships and new groups to be with. It has made me sad a lot but yeneewss is probably right that's just life and you have to accept it. I felt like I must have been a bad friend and that's why they just didn't bother anymore but I don't think it was anything I did. I think things definitley change in your twenties you don't have the same groups of friends like you used to have in your teens or early twenties. I have to say it's comforting to know this also happens in other groups of mates because I was beginning to wonder was it just me! I only see them now for occassions and at christmass and rarely otherwise

Bluebell55

It is comforting to see that it happens to other people. I know I should just let go and see what happens- If we end up socialising frequently again, fair enough, but if not, we don't. I am jst going to have to let sleeping dogs lie.... Hopefully it will all work out.
I do have other friends at home, i.e. all the girlfriends attached to the hurlers (possibly called HAGs), but that is a relationship of convenience, and we go out together. Looks like I will have to focus on my friends from college, and hope it wont be a lonely summer at home!!!