Ten years on

LegacyUser

i'm not sure i'm even going to post this but i feel like i need to talk to someone. it's ten years ago today since i was raped. i was 17 at the time and it was only a month after i lost my virginity. I'd had a few drinks and i invited this guy into my home but i didn't agree to have sex with him. he put his hand over my mouth so i couldn't breathe and told me he could kill me. i was terrified.

afterwards i felt stupid, guilty, ashamed. this guy looked at me like i was something he'd stepped in. i would see him around sometimes over the years and he wouldn't even look at me.

I thought i was over it but i saw him recently and it just stirred it all up again. it was during the snow and he was shovelling snow outside a garden. i had to walk really slow on the ice and he had to stop shovelling so i could go by and he just looked the other way. it's stupid that that hurts so much.

ten years on looking back i can see how much this has affected me. I've had a few boyfriends but no long term serious relationships. I'm scared to let someone get too close to me. When i was younger i would push guys away, i needed to know that they would back off. Sometimes i see myself as he sees me, like im nothing, not even worthy of a glance.

On saturday night i got really drunk and scored some guy. i don't even know what his name is. i feel really crap about myself and im beating myself up over it.

I have an important interview coming up on thursday and i can't concentrate. i don't want this guy to ruin my life any more than he already has.

I don't know what i'm looking for here, i just wanted to be able to say it to someone.

Thanks.

mud

you poor darling,

correct me if i'm wrong but by the sounds of it you haven't sought much personal or professional help since then?

this is something you should look into as it's never too late to heal those wounds.

By the way you described your encounter with him, I'd guess he's totally aware of what happened between the two of you and is fully aware of the dreadful act he commited.

It's your choice whether you go any further with that information.

Please don't think I'm being facetious but I had an experience some years ago and I was always counting anniversaries and psychologically swimming round in circles,

One day I went to the beach and picked up a nice stone that fit really nicely into my hand, I walked along the beach and thought of all my woes, when I was ready I turned and threw that stone which was heavy with my problems as far as I could into the sea . . .

. . . it didn't change my circumstances but I did feel better and as soon as I felt my mind clearing I was well on the way to getting my life back.

Hope this helps m

dlofnep

Sweetheart, contact the police and make them aware of this. If he done it to you, he could do it to another girl, and probably has! You should be proud of yourself for being brave about this; But at the same time, this guy shouldn't be allowed to walk freely when he's a danger to society.

LegacyUser

OP again

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my post, it's really appreciated.

mud:
I like your idea about the stone, ive tried not to count the anniversaries, the first few years i couldn't help it. this year i just got reminded by seeing him and i realised even if i wasn't thinking about it all the time it was affecting how i relate to people.

As for personal and professional help, i told a couple of my friends at the time but being 17 year old girls they did what they could. years later when i went through a bad patch, feeling depressed i would ring them and nearly always ended in tears (not about this issue). they didn't want to know, found it too depressing to talk to me on the phone. i learned my lesson after nearly losing all my friends not to be like that anymore.

Professional help would be a good idea i think, but i'm not sure i'm strong enough to open those wounds at the moment. I've a lot going on at the moment and i'm barely keeping afloat. I couldn't afford it either I only work part time.

dlofnep:
Contacting the police is not something i could do ten years later, but even at the time i couldn't do it. i knew how it looked, i'd had a few drinks and i invited him into my home. i confided in a guy i knew at the time and he told me i led the guy on. even if that wasn't the attitude of the police, only 1-2% of reported rapes result in conviction in this country and it would have simply come down to his word against mine. i couldn't handle the shame and guilt with having to tell people how stupid i'd been or how i felt, i just wanted to crawl somewhere and hide. i still do, that's probably why im talking about this on an anonymous forum instead of confiding in someone. i don't think i could face the way they would look at me.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

You sound like you have thought about the consequences and weighed up what has been best for you, sorry to hear this happened and of the trauma it has brought you.

There is not a doubt in my mind that you were innocent to this situation, no other mans judgement matters, this man forced himself on you and you were unwilling and he didnt make sure you were ok with it, you were totally innocent! He knew what he was doing and took advantage of your kindness. Never believe again that you did anything wrong- so so sorry this happened to you how scared you must have been.

It has brought shameful feelings to you but you have nothing to be ashamed of.

It has been impacting on your life as you say because it is an experience that has not left you yet.

I have been abused myself and i am a survivor of it, i am fully healed from the experience and it is such a relief to feel the burden lifted now, my life was a mess trying to cope with this underlining issue all the time.

I did go to therapy to get it out of my system and i found it great, i also went to a group therapy of all girls my age which was free in clontarf, that was really helpful too, there is free therapy too - government funded but i ended up paying a professional because i wanted someone specialized in sexual abuse, i never had a penny but i always managed to pay her, some weeks she would let me pay the next week etc and i got by,

The emotional skills i learned in therapy have made me such a strong person now and i feel my bad experiences make me more compassionate to others,

To heal and learn to love yourself is the best revenge you can have to an abuser because then they have no power over you.

Peace and love to you xxx