Do you have a "life plan"

watna

A friend of mine broke up with his gf last week. We were all shoked because we thought they were really happy but apparently they were happy but had this niggling thing that they fought about all the time.

The girl had a life plan. She is only 22 but has said on numerous occasions that she wants to be married in two years time, kids in 6 years time (and ive up work), house in 3 years, that kind of thing. He doesn't know if he wants to have kids or get married but is happy finding out. Apparently the topic came up over and over again and now they are on a break so he can think about if he wants kids or not. She's given him a month to decide. He said he felt incidental to her plans and he's not sure what he wants now.

I met him for a drink and could see it from her side a little bit. I know there are certain things I want from life i.e. to marry my OH one day and settle down in Ireland - at some stage, so I know what it is like to have some goals. However, mine are vague and liable to change and generally I'm a bit all over the place.

Another friend has a 5 year plan - to earn x amount of money a year and to save x amount of money towards a house .

Do you have a plan? e.g. for your career or with a partner or just otherwise. I'm feeling like I'm at a disadvantage for not knowing where I'm going!

Jesus Wept

1. ????
2. ????
3. ????
4. Profit


She probably schedules sex too.
I think that guy should run for the hills.

amacachi

I don't have a particular life plan, don't think any of my friends do either, other than some vague dream of going abroad at some point in the future.

watna

The-Rigger wrote: »

1. ????
2. ????
3. ????
4. Profit


She probably schedules sex too.
I think that guy should run for the hills.

Can I share your plan and have some of the profits too?

I think he has come to the same conclusion about it all - get out of there. I was just curious if other people were like her and had definite plans.

As for going abroad some day. I am abroad - now what do I do?!

Jesus Wept

watna wrote: »

Can I share your plan and have some of the profits too?

Of course you can, you can get in at the ground level of my plan with a modest investment.

watna wrote: »

As for going abroad some day. I am abroad - now what do I do?!

Come home! The grass is greener.

amacachi

watna wrote: »

Can I share your plan and have some of the profits too?

I think he has come to the same conclusion about it all - get out of there. I was just curious if other people were like her and had definite plans.

As for going abroad some day. I am abroad - now what do I do?!

Depending on his age I'd do the same.

Heh, I wouldn't worry about it. :P 22 seems to be pretty young for definite plans, let alone putting timeframes on them. Course I'm a guy so obviously I'm more laid back about everything. :P

In general I don't think most people have too definitive a plan for the rest of their lives. Like I said, no-one I know has much of an idea what they're planning.
Surely he should've noticed she was mental before getting in too deep? :P

missannik

I don't have a life plan, but I do have a "100 things to do before I'm 40" list. I think that having a plan which is so rigid, as mentioned by OP, only sets up oneself for failure/ confusion/ etc. Your views change over the years anyway. The good thing about the list is that it helps you to focus on what you'd like to accomplish and it doesn't have to be 100% serious, like a life plan tends to be.

Snowie

Persoanlly she sounds like a pain in the ass i bet she has tuoper wear with label's everything in alpha betical order, and doyleys and stuff.
No i havent got a plan im winging it, I had full time job once got fired they gave me months extra pay went snowboarding for 6 month's it was great, the point is you never know whats going to happen next id rather make dessions and meet luck fate stuff out of the blue half way insted of closing my self off ina little bubble..
She's more or less taking away any chance's of the future out of the blue and living a mondain boreing life for the next 18 years. which to me at 22 sounds awfully nieve.
She needs a wake up call bring her sky diving it might help....

MIN2511

The fact that she gave him a month has me thinking, what if he's not ready in a month? Will she walk away?


No plans, they suck! Just live life, short term goals long term achievement

watna

ok, this has made me feel better that I have no plans!

Also, it's interesting that everyone thinks she's being a bit unfair (to put it mildly)

Puddleduck

No, I dont think shes being unfair. She knows what she wants in life and she knows she wont be happy if she dosent get it, if its not for him they perhaps they shouldnt be in a couple.

I have a general plan, as in I know what I want before Im thirty and yea it can cause problems if your OH dosent want it too.

Sleipnir

That's because you basically have to meet someone with the same plan as you, and who is also at the same stage in it!
What she wants is a guy to entirely surrender to her "plan" i.e. have his balls cut off and stored in her handbag. How can it be any other way?

"I have a plan"
"I don't"
"Well if you want us to stay together, you must work to my plan. Otherwise feck off"
"Ah, I'm outta here..."

Also, she's with a guy at the moment and her plan is to marry in two years. The guy would rather wait longer so she dumps him. Now what? Get another guy and go out with him for a few months. Crap, now she's got to be married to him within a year! Break the news of the plan after a year. Guy doesn't agree, she dumps him.

Bye, bye plan.

Puddleduck

Yes some people can stick to their plans a little too rigidly but at the same time how many people here will go on about being with a person that wants the same things as you? Yes, youd want to be with someone who wants marraige/kids/a house/dogs whatever.

I think she needs to be a bit more flexible, but I think maybe the guy should sit down and think does he want these things in the future with her?

Ginny

I don't have plans as such but did break up with my ex over the kids issue.
I do want children, I do want to eventually get married but there's no definite dates or time limits I'm aiming for.
As for career I want to make enough money to live comfortably, I've already got the house so right now my main goal is to pay the mortgage and bills every month..:D

watna

I didn't really start the thread to see what people thought he should do - he has his head screwed on pretty well with it all. Although it is really interesting to see what people think. As the saying goes, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans!

I'm interested if anyone else has a similar plan or knows anyone for who a life plan worked out like the want, ot a life plan that went wrong!

jellie

i have a rough plan of how id LIKE things to go, but its open to change & changes as my life does.

when i was in college i planned to go to australia after working for a year after college. then with my last ex that changed a bit cause he wanted to travel too so i decided to wait until he finished college & wed go together. there was always a vague plan of how things would go with him.. wed get engaged, get married, knew we wanted kids.. but there was no timeline, just a rough plan of how id LIKE things to go. broke up with the ex so obviously the plan changed a bit more. still havent made it to australia but im only out of college a yr & half & im only 24 so i feel like i have loads of time to get to my plan, however vague it may be.

i think its nice to have an idea of how youd like things to go, but i dont think theres any point stressing yourself with timeframes.. yeah it can be handy to have a goal, but if you put pressure on yourself youll lose the enjoyment of it all

Puddleduck

I know someone similar to the girl in the original post.

Wanted kids by the time she was 26, wanted a house marraige the whole shebang.

She is now 26, pregnant, married a year and has a house two years.
Then again she is the kind of person that gets what she wants. She could have been lucky that she was with someone that wanted the same things but to a certain extent I think she did push ideas on him.

I admire her for achieving the things she wants but Im not sure I could do it, what has she got to look forward to now? To aim for?

deadhead13

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" - John Lennon.

minidazzler

I have a life Flowchart!!!! In case some things don't work out. I know what I want out of life, but I don't plan any relationship's at all.

Basically, because it is too hard to have 2 people actually want the exact same things, and you can't plan around that!!

Dragan

Puddleduck wrote: »

No, I dont think shes being unfair. She knows what she wants in life and she knows she wont be happy if she dosent get it, if its not for him they perhaps they shouldnt be in a couple.

She knows what she wants now...she has no idea what she wants in life.

And she assumes she will not be happy if she doesn't get it.

You don't fit your life to plans, you fit your plans to life.

ntlbell

Puddleduck wrote: »

No, I dont think shes being unfair. She knows what she wants in life and she knows she wont be happy if she dosent get it, if its not for him they perhaps they shouldnt be in a couple.

I have a general plan, as in I know what I want before Im thirty and yea it can cause problems if your OH dosent want it too.

what if he lost his job couldn't afford to buy a house in 4 years time?

dump him?

what if she can't have kids etc?

it's just plain stupid.

it's one thing having a "plan" and it's another getting into a hissy fit because your partner in there early twenties doesn't want to comit his life to a calendar.

Puddleduck

ntlbell wrote: »

what if he lost his job couldn't afford to buy a house in 4 years time?

dump him?

what if she can't have kids etc?

it's just plain stupid.

it's one thing having a "plan" and it's another getting into a hissy fit because your partner in there early twenties doesn't want to comit his life to a calendar.

Ive said she should be more flexible. Yes things can come up that throw things out of sync but perhaps she wants to be a young mother? She wants her independance but dosent want to rent? We dont know why she wants the things she wants. As I said I have a general life plan, as in I know the things I want, but if it dosent happen that way then no biggy.

ntlbell

Puddleduck wrote: »

Ive said she should be more flexible. Yes things can come up that throw things out of sync but perhaps she wants to be a young mother? She wants her independance but dosent want to rent? We dont know why she wants the things she wants. As I said I have a general life plan, as in I know the things I want, but if it dosent happen that way then no biggy.

With regards the OP's friend she's obviously not very flexible.

wanting to be a young mother is fine, wanting your own home is fine, having the wants is not the issue here.

being rigid and unreasonable is.

Wibbs

Puddleduck wrote: »

She could have been lucky that she was with someone that wanted the same things but to a certain extent I think she did push ideas on him.

Plans are fine, but this bits where it can badly wrong. Now some people may need a little push, mostly men IME and that's OK, depending on the man, but at 40 I've seen the long term outcome in relationships where one was guilty of being too pushy. Sometimes the man BTW. Not good.

Personally, if a woman was pushing any sort of plan at me beyond feeling the other person out in the early stages then game over. I've had that more than once. Straight out planning without my input and/or emotional blackmail turns my attraction off quicker than damn near anything else. It's been tried.

Wibbs

ntlbell wrote: »

having the wants is not the issue here.

being rigid and unreasonable is.

+1. "My way or the highway" women are among my biggest turn offs. Smacks too much of the Irish mammy in training. I like a woman who knows what she wants. That's good, but when she knows what she wants for us equally. All too often it's a selfish thing though.

Dragan

Personally i have always been a more "roll with the puches" type of person. This has led me to have a very interesting life, met some very interesting people and some very interesting lessons learned.

I have a general goal to be happy and to just go in the direction that my happiness indicates.

Lillylilly

Back to the OP's question-
As a teen, I had a vague plan where I wanted to be fully qualified in my field by 26 and married with a house and child before 30.
I'm 26 now, qualified, started studying again for something else (new plan to be qualified next yr), and am with the man of my dreams.
We both want to own a house within the year, then get married and have kids. Ideally I'd like to have my first child as close to 28 as possible cos that's how old my mam was when she had me- and I love that she's still young enough to do stuff with me as well as being a super friend!

I'm quite an organised, focused person- I generally plan everything! But I think the most important thing is not to be so rigid with it. My partner agrees with the main bulk of where we both feel we should be as a couple, but if he didn't, my plans would change! It's not the plan that's important- it's the person you are with!!

ntlbell

Dragan wrote: »

Personally i have always been a more "roll with the puches" type of person. This has led me to have a very interesting life, met some very interesting people and some very interesting lessons learned.

I have a general goal to be happy and to just go in the direction that my happiness indicates.

I think no matter what plans you "think" you have you end up rolling with the punches or getting knocked out.

I think sometimes people in there early twenties are a bit like 10yr old kids. at this age there's a good chance reality hasn't really bitten you yet and you're still a bit of a dreamer, just out of college (usually) whole life ahead of you but you're still a bit of a moron with f*ck all life experience..

most will get a good punch at some stage tho wake them up a bit.

Nevyn

Life is what happens while you are making plans.
That doesn't mean you can't try to plan to have an intresting life and try and achieve certain goals
but if you are going to be that inflexible and rigid you are setting yourself up for a series
of kicks in the pants imho.

Peared

Wow I wish I was that young and innocent and naive and self centered again that I could make 'life plans'.

Was gonna use the make god laugh quote but I see watna got there first.

Anyway, life will knock it out of her.

Dudess

LOL

Ah that's harsh Peared, but if there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's DO NOT MAKE PLANS!!! But that's only me - they can work out to a T for some people, vaguely for others.

I have various stuff I'm aiming for, but no rigid plans - I've definitely become a bit of a "que sera sera" person.
I certainly wouldn't advocate wandering aimlessly through life, but three-year plans and five-year plans all sound rather mechnical and 1984-esque. What about spontaneity? Unexpected stuff happening which is out of your control? Being REALLY rigid about plans is highly likely to set you up for disappointment/a fall.

Faith

I have a very rough outline of how I'd ideally like things to go. But already things are getting shifted around. My outline is completely selfish and will obviously have to be adapted to also suit my partner at the time. For instance, I'd love to move to California in a few years, but if my OH really doesn't want to, then chances are I'm going to change my plans, not dump him.

I have the next few years sketched out, but that's because I'm hopefully starting a new degree in September and it's easy enough to plan things when you know what you'll be doing with the bulk of your time.

luckat

A life plan is a great idea, in terms of work and where you want to be. The alternative is wandering vaguely along - works for some people, of course.

I suspect that there was more to the breakup in Faith's story than the plan facts as she gives them.

A beautiful and talented close relative of mine was engaged to a guy for nine years; every year they'd make the wedding plans, then he'd find some excuse why they couldn't happen this time. He basically ate her youth.

The successful people I know almost invariably sat down at some stage and looked at their abilities and their desires and matched them up with some kind of "where do I want to be... how do I get there?" plan.

In one case, three friends sat down and made a deal to coach each other through their careers, setting targets and reaching them to get where they wanted. All are now exactly where they wanted to be at 25. All male, by the way.

Latchy

watna wrote: »

I didn't really start the thread to see what people thought he should do - he has his head screwed on pretty well with it all. Although it is really interesting to see what people think. As the saying goes, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans!

I'm interested if anyone else has a similar plan or knows anyone for who a life plan worked out like the want, ot a life plan that went wrong!

Nothing wrong with having dreams and goals to aim for as long as you allow for a bit of pearshaping along the way .I have a sister abroad who as somebody mentioned , had planned everything she wanted out of life lined up in Alphbetical order .Thing was some realities of life to got in the way and she wasn't best able to cope with them .She also expected the man of her dreams to live up to perfections that were really OTT and unobtainable so sad to say, it was not totally surprising that she married twice and divorced twice .

ntlbell

luckat wrote: »

A life plan is a great idea, in terms of work and where you want to be. The alternative is wandering vaguely along - works for some people, of course.

I suspect that there was more to the breakup in Faith's story than the plan facts as she gives them.

A beautiful and talented close relative of mine was engaged to a guy for nine years; every year they'd make the wedding plans, then he'd find some excuse why they couldn't happen this time. He basically ate her youth.

The successful people I know almost invariably sat down at some stage and looked at their abilities and their desires and matched them up with some kind of "where do I want to be... how do I get there?" plan.

In one case, three friends sat down and made a deal to coach each other through their careers, setting targets and reaching them to get where they wanted. All are now exactly where they wanted to be at 25. All male, by the way.

again, there's no problem in making plans or having some sort of goals.

I think everyone including the " i live life on the edge and just take what comes at me" gang have some sort of idea in their head what the next few years holds for them and where they want to go be but for the majority these will change constantly based on things they have no control over

the problem is not making the plans and having the goals, the problem is when you can't be happy without hitting them and have no flexibility within these goals you're just heading straight for the oncoming train.

Dudess

I think the general consensus is: have plans, goals, dreams, but be flexible - and also have back-up plans.

luckat wrote: »

I suspect that there was more to the breakup in Faith's story than the plan facts as she gives them.

I don't get you.

John Mason

i had a 5-year plan

then something happened and the 5-year plan collapsed. my 5 years are up in september.

i think about that plan a lot but i have decided to extend it for for another 5 years cos i will do it, if it kills me.

plans are afoot at the moment

jim o doom

Live life as it happens I say; - my only current plans are get a black belt and move away from Ireland in X amount of time. I'm getting married 2nd June and have bought a house - but neither of those things were planned!

well I mean buying a house involved planning and so does getting married.. BUT.. they were not part of an overall "life" plan - it just sorta happened

I say if you enter something with no expectations, you tend to be more pleasantly surprised when something nice happens than if you have a rigid plan or high expections. Then yer setting yerself up for dissapointment.

Like I had high "hopes" for the first Star wars movie. that was a BIG let down haha

banshee_bones

Having kids is a big decision! You cant force someone to decide on that in a month! At 22 she should just be a bit more relaxed...

Im 22, i have finished my undergrad, spent a bit of time abroad, i have vauge things i want to acomplish like learning to swim,surf,snowboard, get into an MA, maybe do a Phd (if thats they way things start heading) find myself in a career im passionate about, get in some more travel,not have to worry about money all the time, build my own house, things like that....

If I can achieve them great, happy out! but if my vauge plans dont happen its probably for some reason and im ok with that because im sure something else will happen and fill the void!

luckat

Dudess wrote: »

I don't get you.

The description of the breakup comes at second hand. I suspect that the woman who supposedly broke up with a loved partner purely because she had a schedule for childbearing, didn't in fact - that there were more 'issues' than just her plans for kids.

Elle Victorine

finish college....get job...live happily ever after.:rolleyes:

Nothing too solid.

Faith

luckat wrote: »

I suspect that there was more to the breakup in Faith's story than the plan facts as she gives them.

Do you mean watna's story?

Red Hand

I have implemented many 5 year plans using Isikawa fishbone diagrams and appropriate feedback loops to achieve stasis in unpredictable environments for my clients. The key is to micro-manage the macro issues and use a Deming/Juran inspired holistic approach to goal achievement.

Brainstorming and lateral thinking are the key corner-stones to achieving alternatives-

Infertile, yet want a child? Babysnatch!

Salary not what you expected? Tiger raid a bank!

No friends? Join boards/facebook/bebo and set up multiple accounts to befriend yourself!

Just a few examples of how I have aided people in achieving their goals.




Got to take a power-nap now, I have a 2.30 appointment with an important client. I'll need it-McCreevy was much easier to work with tbh.:rolleyes:

consultech

The-Rigger wrote: »

1. ????
2. ????
3. ????
4. Profit

I'll start you off - First you need to get d sugar...

Clare Bear

I have goals in my life that I'd like to achieve and there's things I'd like to do/settle down and marry etc by a certain age but from past experience plans never work so I just take every day as it comes and see what happens.

At 22 she needs to just chill out and have fun!

Kya1976

Definitely don't have a 'life plan', things/circumstances change too quickly so I don't see the point. Sure I have things I want to do with my life but as Clare Bear said its more goals.

SeekUp

Ahhh, I wish that I could be much more of a roll-with-the-punches type.

I'll admit it - I'm a planner. Always have been and probably always will be. I don't think it's the necessary changing of life plans that bother me; I mean, to a certain extent, you have to be flexible or else you'll end up with ulcers. I think what bothers me most is setting goals (perfectly attainable goals!) and not meeting them. Am I where I hoped I'd be at this point in my life? Yeah right. Am I happy? That's to be determined . . .

In any case, I dare say I understand where she's coming from -- she probably wants to do x y and z by certian times because she thinks it'll make her happy. will it work? Well, probably not. But haven't we all done stupid stuff because we thought it'd make us happy at one point or another? And then learned the hard way? Is there any other way to learn?

schween

I used to have a life plan but I found out life doesn't exactly go according to plan due to things beyond your control. Now I've a general few things I wanna do but taking life as it comes.

jim o doom

SeekUp wrote: »

But haven't we all done stupid stuff because we thought it'd make us happy at one point or another? And then learned the hard way? Is there any other way to learn?

yer dead right there - some lessons tend to be learned the hard way.

But.. when youve learned x amount of lessons the hard way, a lot of the time someone would have already you that things weren't gonna work out (an older person with life experience or whatever), but you did it your way and learned that "hard lesson" for yourself.

After a certain amount of hard lessons you start using common sense a hell of a lot more, and listen to peoples advice more carefully and it makes the hard lessons fewer, because you know what's likely to happen..
what I mean is - you don't have to do everything that hard way

And in something like what the OP posted - if she learns her lesson that happiness is not found by doing x thing in x amount of time.. children whatever by certain stages, she could end up in a very unhappy situation.. and that would be one haaaaaaard lesson.

But saying that, if she REALLY does want kids and that's the end of it, she should probably be with someone who wants kids too..

I don't personally and I'm with someone who doesn't as well so thank god for that

luckat

Jeremiah 16:1 wrote: »

I have implemented many 5 year plans using Isikawa fishbone diagrams and appropriate feedback loops to achieve stasis in unpredictable environments for my clients. The key is to micro-manage the macro issues and use a Deming/Juran inspired holistic approach to goal achievement.

But where's your plan, Jeremiah?

Saying which, your examples are excellent; I plan to try them out.

ntlbell

luckat wrote: »

But where's your plan, Jeremiah?

Saying which, your examples are excellent; I plan to try them out.

caught in a 360 feedback loop