How do I repair my self esteem?

LegacyUser

I am a 21 year old woman in my final year of college. I have been single for almost 2 years, and really, considering my maturity the last time I was in a "relationship", I have been single for my formative years. I was in my secondary school days extremely shy, suffered from severe depression and was, to be frank, ugly, but have grown into my own skin over the years and now have a good reliable circle of friends and have grown to accept myself, to the point of accepting compliments, since I would now be considered to be good looking (that is said for the interests of reliable advice and in no way for any conceited or confident reason).

I was happy enough to be single for a time. Then, after about a year and a half, I met a guy. He was a friend of a friend, more personality than looks, although I've always thought he was good looking, and he was lovely to me. We got to know each other over the course of a few months (which in college terms is quite a while!) and eventually we kissed.

We met (just kissing) regularly for a few months. Eventually, feeling that we were headed for a relationship, we slept together. The next week, on a typical college night which we would have normally spent together, he kissed someone else. I was very upset, wondering what I did wrong, etc. He texted that weekend to apologise, and when we next met, he told me he didn't know what he had been thinking, that he only liked me, that he'd have gone mad if it had been me he had seen kiss someone else, etc. I gave him another chance. The next week was Hallowee'n. We were out together. I had agreed to give him space to enjoy the night with his friends. Imagine how hurt I felt when I saw him kissing another girl. Naive maybe but I had thought I could now trust him. When confronted he denied it but eventually when faced with witnesses he admitted it.

That was it for us for a long time, until one night, while I was unfortunately quite drunk, he apologised and we kissed again. Since then, last December, we have been with each other, leading from nights out, 3 times. Each time, he has been the instigator. I have made it clear each time that I was mad about him and keen to make it a relationship. When we spoke, he made it seem as if he wanted the same thing. However, I now, looking back, really think he was only after what he could get. He may have liked me in the beginning but he ended up just using the fact I liked him so much against me.

Each time I thought I was over it and moving on he comes back, hounding me, tearing me away when I kiss other guys, texting me constantly and coming over to me in the college library for hour or 2 hour long conversations. A couple of nights he has texted after a night out asking to come back to mine and I have told him to go home and never to dare to suggest such a thing to me. But at the end of the day I was still mad about him. So against my better judgement, still mad about him, I kissed him last Thursday and slept with him. Now I find out that for the last few months he has been telling our mutual friends in college that I'm easy and that he could have me whenever he wants.

Perhaps I'm flattering myself, but I'm an intelligent enough person and I'm painfully ashamed that I was taken in by this guy. I realise I should have never gone near him once he did what he did in the first place. Its like I have two personas, the one who knows better and the one who hopes he's secretly mad about me and will one day change. All I can hope is that our friends don't believe him about me. But more than that is the fact that I am so lonely, and so ready for a boyfriend. And I put my faith in this guy. But when he has turned out to be this way, what hope have I? I feel like such a fool to have cheapened myself by sleeping with him, even though at the time I thought I was sleeping with the guy I would have a future with.

How do I recover my modesty after this guy and his rumours? I did sleep with him, but only because I was mad about him and believed we had a future. So how do I make myself look decent when, in reality, I did sleep with this guy as he claims? I feel so ashamed of myself... And so, so lonely...

shellyboo

so_sad wrote: »

How do I recover my modesty after this guy and his rumours? I did sleep with him, but only because I was mad about him and believed we had a future. So how do I make myself look decent when, in reality, I did sleep with this guy as he claims? I feel so ashamed of myself... And so, so lonely...

Wow, OP... this asshole has really done a number on you. Not only has he completely, totally and utterly used you and treated you like utter crap, but he's made you feel like it's your fault.

Do yourself a favour and don't waste another second of your life worrying about that twat and what he thinks or says about you. He is the one who should be worrying about looking decent - he's the one who kept using you, knowing you wanted more.

Yes, you were a bit silly to keep going back - but you didn't do anything wrong. He's the one who cheated, he's the one who deceived you and played on your vulnerability. Please please please don't let him hurt you any more by actually caring what he thinks. He's done you enough damage already.

Nevyn

One big lession I have had hammered home over the last four years is that you can not
live your life worried about what other people think of you or what they are saying about
your or what they maybe thinking of you.

Live your life, make your choices and hold your head up high.

We all makes mistakes, we all do things which make us look back and cringe
and wonder why but what matters is what you do next and how you carry on after.

You are in your final year you will soon not be in contact with the majority of the people
you are no concerned about and those who know you will not think any less of you
or believe what he has to say about you.

I would suggest you cut contact with him and if his name comes up in converstaion
simpley say he is a jerk and leave it at that, refuse to socail with him if he approaches
you tell himg him loudly and assertively, " I have nothing to say to you" and don't be in
his company, people will get the message soon enough.

You have to take back the power he has been weilding over you and let him know
he is not good enough.

Laivasse

Hi OP.

Please don't blame yourself for being taken in by this piece of waste. He sold you a better image of himself than the one that really existed. You can't be blamed for being more than a little interested. I'd echo what Thaedydal says about blocking this turd out and not letting him hold any territory in your life.

Don't worry about how this makes you look, or anything like that. In my experience, guys who go around dirtying the reputations of girls with their stories are slime, but the guys who listen and believe it are not much better. This guy's dirtier side probably only attracts dirt like him. Anyone worth a damn would sympathise with you, not him, after hearing the way he's treated you. Have confidence in your personality to speak for itself; take comfort in the knowledge that anyone who wants to know the real story of what you're like, will get it from... well, knowing what you're like.

You do sound like an intelligent and earnest person. I hope this experience hasn't destroyed your faith that there are men out there who are also like you. Just try not to sell yourself so short in future. For example, giving him 'space to enjoy the night with his friends' when you're both out together and it's a very young relationship... that just hits all the wrong notes for me. I feel like a 70 year old trapped in the body of a 20-something saying this, but whatever happened to being a gentleman? Is it too much to ask, in this day and age, that a guy should enjoy the company of a girl he's out with for the evening...?

You need someone who takes you seriously. Don't ask that from guys who will never give it - you'll risk being exploited by people who will use your needs against you. But DO have confidence in your right, and ability, to find guys who will treat you that way naturally.

idontknowmyname

Don't blame yourself, you fell for someone who didn't genuinely like you, this guy completely played on the fact you liked him and took advantage of that. I was in a similar situation last year and it killed my self-esteem and brought on a severe episode of depression. It completely destroyed me and only in recent months have I recently started to recover. I completely agree with the previous post that you won't have to stay in contact with people in college if you choose not to.

It will take time to rebuild yourself but surround yourself with people you trust and are able to pick you up. Maybe buy yourself a new outfit you feel great in and if you don't feel confident- fake it! We all have the pity train come to town every so often and we're entitled to feel sorry for ourselves but then we have to dust ourselves down and get on with building ourselves back up. Just focus on your final months in college and ignore this loser...you've a lot to look forward to once you finish college