Stick a fork in me I'm done!

LegacyUser

Well here goes, ,my misery post. I am female mid-thirties another member of the loney friendless spinster group. pathetic I nkow . I don't really have any one to blame for my predicament which in a way makes it worse. I bougth a house in a fairly remotevillage (only place I could afford at the time) which basically has no facilites bar pubs and a church. I didn't really want to buy there but parents coerced me and I figured I would make new friends etc etc and wouldn't be lonely but then longterm partner upped and left me on my tod , which I wasn't too bothered about at the time as I figured it was on the cards. Fast forward four years and I'm stillcompletely isoltated despites efforts to meet people , zero friends and getting more and more depressed by the day. I have tried joining clubs , doing courses but can't seem to connet with people , work colleagues are just that , socialised with them once or twice but very little in common so friendships don't materialise
I have been basically putting a brave face on things but I'm in a massive amount of pain, evey failed relationship since then has caused a ridiculous amount of pain especially the last one who I developed strong feelings for very quickly , too quickly and was predictably dumped ,think that was the final straw really
. I honestly don't know what to do at this stage. I have done a good job of hiding it from my family especially the marks from when I cut myself which I am the most ashamed of. I have tried to get counselling etc but appointments had to postponed because of work as I am required to travel from time to time. I just want to die , like thousands out there at the moment. I haven't had any sort of holiday for a very long time , as I am terrified of going anywhere incase I have some sort of meltdown away from home. The only support I have is my local doc she is really great but there is a limit to what she can do.
I am sorry for being so whiney when there are people out there who are in a far worse states than I am but I am starting to avoid being with my family now who I love and have started planning my death it's what occupies mind most. I hope I can pull myself out of this, as usually I am able to deal with the tough stuff as I have had depression since I was 20 the trouble I really think it's time I wasn't here and most of me wants to die to be with loved ones who are no longer with me and who I miss like hell.
Thank you for reading this.

Nevyn

Maybe a break away to have a melt down is what you need.
Book yourself into a hotel bring the box of tissues and your weepy movie and go cry your eyes out.

Go back and make new couselling appointments and if any of your family as tell them
you are not fine. You need to stop bottling this all in. Find a good healthy was to express it all and don't be putting on a brave face for the sake of others.

And then when your read start looking at making changes to your life including if needs
be selling or renting out the house and moving else where.

Life is too short to drink bad wine.

estar

can you afford to rent in a larger town / city nearer friends or a wider social circle and still pay part of the mortgage?

could you take a couple of weeks off work and go volunteer somewhere, or an arrange hike for charity and meet others.

could you go and visit a friend for a week or two, or regularly meet up with friends by staying over in a hotel once a month in a larger town / city

a change of environment could be all that is required. we would all be miserable and depressed if we werent living in a place that stimulated us / with outlets for our interests.

dont give up.

what are your interests / what do you like doing ..........

LegacyUser

Hi you dont sound winey, just lonely and im sure it hurts,

Ive been here before and i know from experience that its all to do with how you feel on the inside which determines your life on the outside.

I dont know if your into any of this kind of thing but i loved the book the secret it changed my world, and i think it would be brill for you watch this and see what you think...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_b1GKGWJbE8

I liked the vision board idea where you gather all the things you want in your life, cut out magazine images text etc and stick them on a poster where you look at it every day, it seems to make your mind attract these things quite quickly and i can only tell you its been brilliant for me, i learned that the more specific you get about what you want the easier it comes into your life.

Also if you buy a little notebook and every night write down 5 things you are greatful for you will suddenly see the many great things you are and have about yourself which generates new feelings which iliminate the old feelings-

Its all worth a try!

Much love to you xxxx

BaubleFreak

stop postponing appointments for work. your life is far more important than your job! you can come back from this, I know because I've done it and 7 years down the line I'm a different person. you really need to stick to the counselling though!!!!!!!!!

Soul Stretcher

I think its time to call in the professionals - which you already have done by contacting a counsellor - your mental health is crying out for an outlet - a good Counsellor could help you turn your life around (that's what they're paid for !)... so please put your counselling appointments AHEAD of your work commitments.

I think professional help is an absolute must as the tail end of your post indicates that you may be in a full-blown depressive episode and labouring under the negative self-defeating thinking that entails...

You CAN do it...

gollyitsolly

Sometimes you need to get out of your own head ! Being alone too much can drive you crazy. Try to get out and work with people who are worse off than you. Do some charity work and dont be worrying about meeting or making new friends. Friends will come in time. Engross yourself in others problems and your own problems will get smaller. And you can make a big difference in others lives and make yourself feel good at the same time.:)

TheDollyParton

Prioritise seeing a therapist. Your happiness is more important than anything else in your life.

Also, MOVE. If you are not happy where you live, and there are not opportunities there for you to improve your quality of life, move. We have such an obsession with owning property in Ireland but frankly, it's bull****. What's the point of owning a house if you're unhappy? Try renting, in a community that fosters the kind of life you'd like to have.

You have my sympathy, just remember the only person who can change your situation is you. Good luck.

Dudess

OP, for starters, stop being hard on yourself. Calling yourself pathetic is only helping perpetuate the situation.

Dravokivich

Your main issue seems to be with how dissconnected you are.

1) You don't really socialise much with others from work. How does it sit within the work place? Does it make you feel detatched from everyone else?

2) You seem lost in your own village. You've tried looking for things to do or people to associate with, but each time you end up being diss-interested...

Is this a reflection of your impression of other people or how you think others may feel about you?

As mentioned above by Dudess... your main issue might be that your always trying to throw yourself down. Because of that now you're not really all that bothered getting back up now are you?

Whats up with you're family? Have you tried spending some time with them, discussing how you feel (not nessacirlly what you've done to yourself)?

It's obvious you're missing something and everywhere you go or do you end up dropping or pushing away becuase you aint getting it. And in at least 1 instance above you've forced it away.

If you feel so dam tired of it all... go home... leave the village you are in. It's like you're trying to find an exit driving the wrong way around a Cul de Sac.

calahans

If you are that unhappy then you need to put your life before your money. Can you sell you home, or maybe talk to the banks and take a year off your mortgage? I would suggest to move somewhere else where you will be near other people.

Lastly, as others have said, dont be hard on yourself. There are lots of people in your situation and its not their fault. Your life is not over. You still have time in your life to do what you want.

cantdecide

You can't change everything but ffs change something. The obvious one is get away from where you live now as a priority- it simply hasn't worked for you...

LegacyUser

Your post could have been written by me. I'm also in my mid thirties and for some reason started cutting again after almost 20 years of not doing it. It was probably due to excessive stress from an abusive relationship and money problems. Like yourself I don't have many friends and have been unable to make them despite efforts.

It seems the main problem is the ending of your relationship. You do not mention what your life was like before moving but rather that you're very isolated now. If you've been dealing with depression since you were 20 it seems this in combination with your breakup is why you feel so lonely now. You don't mention missing any specific friends or best friend from your old circle of friends so it seems maybe you ex was such a huge part of your life that until he was gone you didn't realise how much your life revolved around him.

My gp is great too and I'm thankful for her. She has been a lot of help to me. But my problems are too big for her, especially my cutting one, so I went to a psychologist who specialises in cognitive behavioural therapy. My gp found me one. This was two years ago and I quit cutting soon after I started attending. I started to address my problems a little bit every day. Firstly, I accepted my relationship was over and started to look at ads online but I didn't respond. Just did this to remind myself there were men out there looking for female company and soon I would be out there with them in real life. (I finally am and have met someone very nice from an online dating site.) Next was the loneliness. I accepted my lack of money and friends was probably not going to change immediately so I found a solo hobby that I could talk about with others online. I chose sewing and now have a very active online persona and a way to keep my hands busy. When I did feel like cutting I would cut fabric. Quilts were my project of choice because fabric always had to be cut! I sought out a few friends I'd known from years ago and forced myself to meet up with them once a month. It was only once a month because I didn't have energy to do it any more than that. I was also scared I would break down and start talking about my very scary feelings.

I don't know if what I have written makes much sense or is helpful to you but I wanted to share just in case some small part is of assistance. The loneliness you speak of is terrible and I struggled with whether to respond or not in case in just seemed inappropriate.

You need to start taking steps to get well. You know yourself best so approach your get well plan with that knowledge and don't be hard on yourself. The one advantage of being on your own is you can cry all you want, talk to yourself, and do things you wouldn't want people to see. Please do get help. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I've just looked at the scars on my inner thighs and smiled because that person who was cutting them with a razor blade just a couple of years ago is gone. My life isn't perfect, I'm still lonely at times and I still don't have money or a large groups of friends but I do have my health. It is a strange feeling to look at sharp objects and realise I used to want them to hurt myself with since I don't feel that way anymore. I hope you feel this way soon too. Please take care.