When does self preservation become selfish feckology?

LegacyUser

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Molested by my brother when I was a kid, past forward 20 odd years to where I finally admitted it to my family but they seem to have taken a lets all get over this side instead of the lets **** him out of the family side. Fast forward still another year...and my niece, his daughter has told me abotu the nightmare man at the end of her bed and has started to show signs I recognise from my own childhood.
So I've started legal proceedings I always said I wouldnt against my brother to get social services involved on behalf of my niece.

Now my dilemma (like that wasnt enough eh!) I'm moving abroad for a couple of years in two months and I cant trust the care of my niece to anyone else. No one in my family has stepped up to this monster of a brother except me and now I fear she'll be left to fend for herself. (she's 6) I clearly have no faith in social services either. What do I do?
Should I stay or should I go?

Victor

Is this the child's father we are talking about?

Overheal

Victor wrote: »

Is this the child's father we are talking about?

From my reading yes.

my niece, his daughter has told me abotu the nightmare man at the end of her bed

Is there some other charge you may be able to get brought up on him to call attention to the problem (ie. child porn on the computer)?

LegacyUser

Yes, my brother, her father one and the same.

Well as the family eek I generally have access to all pcs and I can safely say no there is nothing untoward on his pc or laptop. And no he wouldn't have the computer knowhow to hide it well enough.

Social services thus far have been lacking any real power. She;s still living with him ffs.

MJOR

How far along are the legal proceedings where is the childs mother in all of this? Is she aware of what is going on? That child id definately at risk and you have to help her.

Miss Fluff

Where is the child's mother?

How did the "nightmare man" conversation come about with your niece?

You have help this little girl if you suspect she is being abused. Your first port of call should be her mother.

PK2008

What have the police said?

LegacyUser

Op Im so terribly terribly sorry for this injustice which has happened to you and now your niece...


Why oh why do families of abuse victims turn away from facing the truth and have courage to do whats right, My father was a pedophile also and i went to a womens group for sexual abuse victims, any of us who told were shunned by our families and i thought how similar the toxic families operated about this issue, as if it was our fault or something that it happened.

One of the girls in my group needed support from her family to report her father and not one family member would support her either so her case was dropped, she has to live with the injustice of that while she is not allowed to be in the home again, the family stood by the father, but a few months after the mother stopped sleeping with the dad, she wouldnt openly come out with admitting the abuse to the family but she knew in her heart that the husband had done it.

The welfare system is not very good either- you only have to look at what happened to baby p in england and see where society is at with taking these issues seriously.

Is the mother around?

I think you need to go away as planned and continue your life but keep pushing your claim against your brother and get him reconised as a paedofile, then the authorities will be fully involved.

So sorry again for you to be in this situation, hopefully by getting him charged it will give you some justice and stop anyone else from being abused by him-

LegacyUser

The mother knows but doesnt believe me (about my circumstances or the kids)
The police are waiting for Social services to make an "evaluation"

I generally stay away from family functions but attended one last week and was colouring in with my niece when she started asking about dreams and nightmares.

Legal proceedings are only after getting started. I have no idea how long this will take or what steps will be taken (if anyone knows please fill me in) but I'm moving abroad at the end of may...But I cant leave her alone in this.
Its been a ****ty horrible year for me and the selfish part of me needs to get away to survive. But at what cost? I'd hate myself for leaving her.

Tyler Durden

Tyler Durden wrote: »

Its been a ****ty horrible year for me and the selfish part of me needs to get away to survive. But at what cost? I'd hate myself for leaving her.

i think for piece of mind, stick it out and try your best.. this is a terrible situation and i'm not in a position to give any useful advice so i wish you the best.

dory

I think for her you should definitely stay and see this through. You really have to do everything possible to stop this.

Sleepy

OP, you can't leave. After all that you've been through, it could be too much for you to take if the worst happens and you weren't around to help.

estar

proceedings can take a long time. one in four is a great organisation. contact them for support and advice.

LegacyUser

estar wrote: »

proceedings can take a long time. one in four is a great organisation. contact them for support and advice.

Thats great thanks.

Thank you everyone.

cantdecide

You are in a position to alter this girls future. How many children don't have someone like you to look after them in these situations. It's pretty close to a life and death situation. If you are made of the steel I suspect you are, my guess is that you will end up staying...

GAAman

Op i wont tell you what to do i will tell you what i would do

I would look into taking custody if it is possible, and postpone the living abroad for awhile maybe even take her with me for safety.

Look at it this way, if someone could have helped you back then would you have wanted them to? Well you can help save her

Seems a simple choice to me

smileysurfer

First... what a horrible situation your in, no one should have to go through this.
Second... if you leave then your taking away the only thing trying to keep this child safe! I would suggest / stress that you talk to the mother again, she really needs to hear you and know whats happening!
I dont see how anyone would take allegations like this about their husband lightly!!!

Overheal

The mother would be more responsive to your descroptive first hand account. How many people know how their siblings like to shag? Forgive my forwardness here. But I think even she can relate to your brother's overly dominant attitude in the bedroom. I think she needs to hear it.

Wantobe

OP are you in Ireland?

Because a. You do not need to take legal proceedings to get social services involved and b. there isn't a chance in the wide earthly world that you would get custody of this girl if you are.

To get social services involved you need to contact the local social services office and talk to the people there. You need to follow this up with a report to the gardai about the abuse you suffered. You then need to get back to social services and tell them there is a statement made against your brother and ask them to investigate.

You need to sit down with the girls mother and calmly and quietly tell her what happened to you. Of course she doesnt want to believe you- so you need to ask her to have her daughter checked out by a GP and preferably seen by a child psychiatrist. She can get a referral from the social services.

If she doesnt then you must pursue the social services- you need to keep calling them, otherwise they will not follow up. You need to pursue your complaint with the gardai. The gardai may well decide there is no point in bringing a case now, so be it- at least you will have tried. You can take a civil action but again the proof necessary may not be there.

If you keep hounding the social services IMO that is all you can do.

LegacyUser

Yes I'm in ireland.

I have contacted Social services and the gardai but the left hand doesn't seem to know what the right hand is doing. I have a lawyer who is pestering everyone as well as me pestering them too. Though he says I wont get custody as I'm single and self employed. I work pretty much every hour god sends 7 days a week and that the best I could hope for was that the child will be put with her grandparents but she has two brothers and unless they can all go then I woudlnt want that to happen.

I pretty much decided to give up the moving away already I think and just needed to know it was hte right decision. Thanks Guys.
Visa Nulled, Job quit. I'm gonna get this sorted and finished for my niece before I do anything else.

barkingmadlolly

OP cannot even begin to imagine what your going through with this. IMO staying will be hard but to leave and always wonder if you did the right thing would be worse. 1in4 shoud deffo be able to provide you with advice and support. Best of luck, my thoughts are with you

LegacyUser

OP, This must be so hard for you especially as your family aren't backing you, my heart goes out to you and your niece as well.

One in Four are fantastic, if you haven't already contacted them i'm sure they can help.

I commend you putting your own life on hold to help your niece, you're a wonderful person for doing that. I'm 25 and will be spending tonight on the couch as the "monster at the end of my bed" like your niece described to you still haunts me and tonight I wont be making it upstairs. If I had the chance to save another child from that I hope that I would do it.

Look after yourself,

.

CDfm

Great and brave post OP - me I would get on with my own life as you have and are doing your bit.

Taking the action you have done is very preventative - the one in four idea is great as it will give you support plus a reference point to ensure the correct legal steps are taken.

pseudonym1

Make sure you are right about your niece being abused! It could be other feelings interpeting themselves. Children will often say things for the sake of it!

I am no way belittling what you went through and your present situation.

You neeed to somehow get family on side. The girl will need long term gardianship. I think you need to start with the mother. She must know something.. Perhaps if you could discuss things could come to a conclusion.

I think if you believe this is happening you must see it through. You are very brave and strong. Hope you are getting counselling to help you cope... Best of luck x

LegacyUser

Op,

I think you should go abroad and take your job and live your life,

this situation is going to drive you mad here in ireland and i think your hands will be tied a lot,

I have been in a similar situation before and all i was advised to do was get the authorities involved and notify the mother which i did,

I dont think you are the right person to fix this because of the animosity toward you in the family, you are going to be heavily emeshed in this situation for a long time it will make your life crazy and you deserve to go and heal you will be no use to anybody with the stress of this.

you were not going to leave until may you could see a therapist and get some advice they also have great links with the right people and a responsibility to help the child too- this will have a network of people involved before you go.


I really dont think you should give up your life when you have been sacrificed through your childhood,

People on here are not giving professional advice i think you need to get some and decide from there its all early days after you have recently told everyone about the abuse,

I think you need to put yourself first as selfish at others might think it is....

My therapist suggested this to me and i knew it was right.

You have to separate yourself from this situation right now to get some perspective.

smileysurfer

Unregistered wrote: »

Op,

I think you should go abroad and take your job and live your life,

this situation is going to drive you mad here in ireland and i think your hands will be tied a lot,

I have been in a similar situation before and all i was advised to do was get the authorities involved and notify the mother which i did,

I dont think you are the right person to fix this because of the animosity toward you in the family, you are going to be heavily emeshed in this situation for a long time it will make your life crazy and you deserve to go and heal you will be no use to anybody with the stress of this.

you were not going to leave until may you could see a therapist and get some advice they also have great links with the right people and a responsibility to help the child too- this will have a network of people involved before you go.


I really dont think you should give up your life when you have been sacrificed through your childhood,

People on here are not giving professional advice i think you need to get some and decide from there its all early days after you have recently told everyone about the abuse,

I think you need to put yourself first as selfish at others might think it is....

My therapist suggested this to me and i knew it was right.

You have to separate yourself from this situation right now to get some perspective.

Please dont listen to this rubbish advice!!!! :eek:

At a time like this you simply cannot leave your niece, or put yourself first! - Which it sounds like you know anyway.
You are her only chance seeing as no one else will believe whats going on.
If you seperate yourself from the situation then what chance does your poor niece have?

LegacyUser

smileysurfer wrote: »

Please dont listen to this rubbish advice!!!! :eek:

At a time like this you simply cannot leave your niece, or put yourself first! - Which it sounds like you know anyway.
You are her only chance seeing as no one else will believe whats going on.
If you seperate yourself from the situation then what chance does your poor niece have?

Are you a professional???

Do you have any experience in dealing with sexual abuse and a family member being in this situation???

I mean she has to separate herself from the situation emotionally which she is heavily emeshed in,

Once the mother has been told and the authorities what else can she do????

The welfare system we have is very reluctant to do anything without evidence , she could be fighting a loosing battle costing time and energy,

All she can do is persue her own claim and get the authorities to act from there,

there is no reason she cannot do this from abroad,


You have no idea what the system is like here its a lenghtly unsupportive process without evidence,


Best advice is get some professional advice from a therapist,

People who have no experience in this are only giving advice based on their personal feelings about this, and its very unrealistic-


How far do you think she will get with no evidence against her niece, and the animosity toward her from her family she will get hated more, the only thing she can do is speak the truth about the abuse she experienced, the niece has to be dealt with as another case and the op is not responsible for what has happened or what might happen to the niece in the future and no one on here should make her feel guilty for not having the nieces safety at heart- of course she does -but the police need evidence for this and the op cant do anything about that-

LegacyUser

maybe you could encourage her to tell her teacher at school? Aren't teachers obligated to report anything abuse that they hear from children?