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Inner turmoil

  • 14-03-2009 5:14pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    hi everyone - ok, just needed to vent here to straighten my head out. Story is my sister-in-law is pregnant by a man she's been having an affair with for the last 4 years... she has no other partner, but he does [wife and young children]... he claims to be 'unhappy', but from all accounts his partner is none the wiser. I believe the sis-in-law got pregnant on purpose, in the hope it would change his procrastination about leaving his OH - and because I'm sorry, I believe that if you REALLY dont want to get pregnant, you take the right precautions beforehand, during or after having sex...

    So now she's faced with dealing with all of this on her own, she is half way through her pregnancy and I am the only one who knows about it (not even my hubbie, or their family knows) and therein lies my conflict - I care very much for her, she is a sweet and lovely person and I'm trying to be there for her. BUT, at the same time, I loathe the type of person she has proven herself to be - that is, A woman who actively pursued a married man (i.e. knew from the start he had a wife, but felt this 'connection' with him so couldnt say no), lied to her family & friends about continuing to see him (to ease her own conscience Im guessing), and has lied to me (I believe) about getting pregnant 'the 1 time they slept together since breaking up'... (yeah right)..

    I feel sympathetic to her situation and very unsympathetic simultaneously, as she is choosing to have this child, by a man with highly questionable qualities (disloyalty, deceit, selfishness), and I find her actions very selfish also, as she knows she will have 100% support from her family in all of this, and will struggle for nothing (compared to some single mothers) - which raises my final issue. My husband & I like most young couples with a young child ourselves have felt the pinch on the pockets lately, but have never once put our hand out for anything. We work hard, bought our own house with no handouts from parents etc... she had alot of help with buying hers, and with buying everything in it...

    I'm just so annoyed, and I know this is probably a very childish rant too.. I feel for that other woman so much, and I find myself hoping that the whole thing blows up in my Sis-in-laws face, because i believe her actions dont deserve the happy ending she's looking for..

    I am a terrible, terrible person for thinking like this, and it is keeping me awake at night that the situation is affecting me so much (when really it has nothing to do with me).. I'm troubled by how 2-faced Im acting - it is not me at all.....Am I totally unjustified in my feelings here?


Comments

  • #2
    cantdecide
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,465 ✭✭✭✭cantdecide


    Unregistered wrote: »
    .... I believe the sis-in-law got pregnant on purpose .... I care very much for her, she is a sweet and lovely person .... I loathe the type of person she has proven herself to be ... she is choosing to have this child, by a man with highly questionable qualities ..... as she knows she will have 100% support from her family ..... she had alot of help with buying hers, and with buying everything in it .... I feel for that other woman so much, and I find myself hoping that the whole thing blows up in my Sis-in-laws face, because i believe her actions dont deserve the happy ending she's looking for .. I am a terrible, terrible person for thinking like this when really it has nothing to do with me ...... Am I totally unjustified in my feelings here?

    You aren't a terrible person but you must realsie that people are as they are and you can't judge them by your standards. You can only wish that these things won't happen especially when babies are involved but they can and do every day unfortunately.

    The bit about her relying on support from family is the crooked bit for me. You do consequently come across as judgemental (which to me is a v.bad trait to possess) and a little bitter and twisted. She may not have the resources or capability to excel in life as you have but to me, this only falls into the category of every cripple has his own way of walking.

    You did say it yourself, it's none of your business. That is unless you wish to lend unconditional support for the sake of the baby but you don't get to comment or pass judgement...


  • #3
    pseudonym1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,092 ✭✭✭pseudonym1


    I relate to the turmoil you are feeling. It is heart rendering when someone you actually likes does something that belittles their character and esteem you held.

    You are not a terrible person - well not from what I know so far anyway :)
    She got with a married man .. That you are married your feeling the sting - not terrible - terribly natural.

    You obviously care about this girl or you wouldn't be losing sleep .
    Think you need to formulate a clear plan of what you can do next to help/support her.

    Could you tell your husband - perhaps after the inital reaction he will be supportive of her and in turn you to her - if that makes sense.

    Not sure what story with this man is - do they have a future together? Will he be a father/support her through and after the pregnency.

    There are lots of great conselling services for crisis pregnency. Perhaps you could go with her.

    I dont think you are being 2 faced - fact that you are still trying to be good to her although you are suffering inner turmoil is commendable.

    We have all done regretable things whats done is done. and its up to others what choices they make.. so dont be too hard on her or yourself!


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    cantdecide wrote: »
    The bit about her relying on support from family is the crooked bit for me. You do consequently come across as judgemental (which to me is a v.bad trait to possess) and a little bitter and twisted. She may not have the resources or capability to excel in life as you have but to me, this only falls into the category of every cripple has his own way of walking.

    - Yes I know I am being judgemental, and that too is unlike me - this whole thing has made me think in depths I didnt know I could.... The other part i didnt mention in my original post was that me & OH were to take our honeymoon (first holiday in 2 years as couldnt afford proper one when we married).. It was to be gifted to us by OH folks- I cannot ask / accept this now as sis-in-law is more needing of the financial help obviously - I feel bad for my husband, he deserves it, has been looking forward to planning something for this year, and Ive been evading his chances to talk about it... I am very annoyed at her for taking to so long to tell everyone, and some days it gets me down that I cant talk to OH about how Im feeling about it all
    I know what lies ahead of her is not an easy path, I dont why I am feeling so affected - I guess it is because I would not want to have my family broken up, and this has really brought it home to me that this stuff happens, and it has been done by someone close that I always believed was an honest, moral person and not capable of it....
    thanks for your comments... like i said, i just needed to vent as had no one to talk to about it....


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