Dazed and confused - the girl next door

LegacyUser

For the past 2 years I lived with my ex and we broke up about 1 week ago. I am starting to feel better, accepting the situation, given I was not that into her any more. However, I still love her and still wonder "What if" scenarios all the time and wanted her to reconsider and give me one last chance to prove her that I can change some pesky parts of my self, to some extent I feel guilty for our break-up, but considering what has been the relationship, I would say we both played our guilty moments for the relationship to end up the way it did. We're still friends and living together, which is something that bothers me, because I am not used to be friend of her and honestly, it's starting to get my nerves going on as listening to what her day was like and/or how her colleagues or customers did something just does not interest me a shiny little bit. I still listen to her, in the boards.ie reading gaps (she even noticed how addicted I am to boards these days!)

2 weeks before we broke up, there was something that happened which felt quite strange.. I work in this business park in Dublin, where we have a Centra shop just in the middle of it where I usually go everydays to grab a crispy roll with spicy chicken and lettuce. It just happened that I started to notice some extra free sympathy from the girl that usually makes my sandwiches (which, coincidentally, has always been the same for sometime). Not only that, but she's got an awesome shy smile and sexy green eyes (I know this is standard for your-average irish, but she is not irish...however she speaks fairly well the english language)!

One certain day I arrived there earlier than usual and I was about to be serviced by her colleague, however, she just turned around and took the lead and took the crispy roll out of her hand and did it for me, all smiles and small-chat questions.

The following 2-3 days after this happened, I noticed it continued to go on with the same kind of sympathy but a slight bit more loose and.. I just couldn't take her out of my mind and I would go there just in front of the door's shop and look into the deli section just to see her in my smoking breaks, with as much care to not be caught like a "voyeur" as possible. During these days, I came home and all I could think about would be her. My gf would be saying stuff and I didn't care, I was completely focused on her. As if an arrow from cupid struck on me.

However, after this she seemed to have calmed down a bit in her sympathy and I would say that...it could have been because of the dalliance that I was wearing all time, which I never took away in any of the times I visited that shop (only after I broke with my gf I did so). Since I broke up that I've been more interested in meeting her, not that I want to have any relationship with her at the moment because it would be unfair for both of us, but I wanted to get to know her and see if anything develops naturally. Since I don't have any friends here in Dublin, it would also be a good way to have someone to talk to from times to times (I'm not into the pub/club scene either, so that's out of question).

During that initial week that I started thinking about her, I started trying to find out at which time she left the Centra, by going there at 4h, 3h30, 3h, 2h30, 2h, 1h30 which took several days until I figured it out. Since I found out, I wanted to know whether she'd be going out with someone or just taking the courtesy bus, she doesn't wear dalliance but I reckon she could not be wearing it since she works in the deli and most of the times she's wearing gloves.

So the other day, I stood there next to a "placard" containing the daily prices for the meals at the pub just off the centra and.. I spoted her coming alone but after a few steps her boss just came out and talked to her and he was also going to take the courtesy bus, so I didn't get to talk to her. The next day I did the same, gone to the same place and kept staring at the prices and looking at the entrance from times to times until I'd see her coming. However, this time I didn't look much to the entrance but I noticed through peripheral vision she was coming already and just as she was about 4ft far from me I looked and she said hello, I said hello too and completely froze, couldn't say a word. I just wanted to say "I've been obsessed by your pretty smile for about 10 days and was wondering if you would like to go for a drink"... after this, I decided to not repeat the "standing close to her job at her leave time", because she could be wondering already what would be going on as she always makes my crispy rolls, why would I be checking meal prices for two days at the exact same time she was leaving her job? am I over-starving? so I decided to make a break, a small one and to change things a little. I last been there on Wednesday, on Thursday went to the pub so she didn't get to see me and Friday I worked from home half day and I went to dart station to get the courtesy bus at around 2h. The bus that arrived, had her in, and I must say that I wasn't there at that time accidentally.. and I just kept myself back and I looked at her, she looked at me and I said hello and again, I had thought about this a million times, I just had no drive to talk to her, I just couldn't say it. I kept the whole day blaming myself about not being able to do it. It was such a short (yet embarrassing) moment.

Is this normal or am I being too much of a weak mind, paranoid, weirdo, stalker, whatsoever? I am, unfortunately, not the best person at dealing with rejection so that plays a huge part in my lack of courage. I've only had one girlfriend up to date (I am 26, btw, and she looks as being in 25-30 range) so I have little world experience with women, mainly because I am not that social of a guy, I have troubles speaking to people in general, I get nervous trying to think out what to talk about when I am with other co-workers, not even good at small talk. On the other hand, I have a huge lack of confidence and self-esteem and am the kind who enjoys being in the comfort of his home and does not care about drinking, pubs, clubs, sports, culture, etc. I am good-looking, I dress decently like your typical average computer science engineer (not the nerd kind).

Please provide me any advice you think would be worth to handle this situation, its getting me on my nerves and I know that I will most likely be trying to talk to her next Monday and will probably fail again, so I don't want to look like the typical weirdo which I may be showing up myself as and who keeps staring at the person he/she likes and does nothing other than just that.

I am going craze...HELP!! any advice is greatly appreciated.

Miss Fluff

You are bordering on stalking her. Stop it.

LegacyUser

OK, I already had that idea as I mentioned in the post, could you please advice the best course of action then? :-)

Thanks for reading all along, though!

Ginny

You seem to have fixiated on the girl from the shop since your break-up, honestly I see no behaviour from her showing she's interested in you.
I get a sandwich in my local places about once a week and girl in there always knows what I want, and comments on my changing hair, and there's no way she fancies me. .

I think you're just focusing your energy on this girl instead of maybe coping with your recent break-up.

And "dalliance"?

LegacyUser

Ginny wrote: »

You seem to have fixiated on the girl from the shop since your break-up, honestly I see no behaviour from her showing she's interested in you.
I get a sandwich in my local places about once a week and girl in there always knows what I want, and comments on my changing hair, and there's no way she fancies me. .

I think you're just focusing your energy on this girl instead of maybe coping with your recent break-up.

And "dalliance"?

You may not be totally wrong there, I had that idea myself as well, one week before I broke up with my gf, so I calmed down for that week...however...since I broke up that it kind of "came alive" as I felt I wasn't cheating anymore for having such feelings.

dating alliance (ring) I apologize if that's not the technical name...

Gyalist

Aren't you the same person who wrote this post just one week ago?

If I were in your position I'd make finding new accommodation my first priority.
Living with your ex is not healthy for either of you.

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

If I were in your position I'd make finding new accommodation my first priority.
Living with your ex is not healthy for either of you.

She found her own accommodation already but she's only moving at the end of the month.

TURRICAN

its all easier said than done but u should leave ur ex alone .
as for the other girl it would only be a bit of fun if anything didi happen.
u would take up with her for all the wrong reasons ie.getting over the pain of your ex.ud be wasting her time and yours.

could be all wrong tho aswell.
we all have choices to make ,people to see and plases to go .

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

OK, I already had that idea as I mentioned in the post, could you please advice the best course of action then? :-)

I did already. I said stop it.

BJC

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You are bordering on stalking her. Stop it.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I did already. I said stop it.

We're here to give advice and opinions not orders. Be a little bit more helpfull for God's sake.

star-pants

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You are bordering on stalking her. Stop it.

You may not find it helpful but MissFluff is right -- you're waiting around for days watching to figure out her timetable? And watching her leaving/talking to people before she gets the bus to figure out if she's single or not?
If that was me and a guy was doing that - I would be freaked out tbh.

You're going through a rough breakup and now you're just obsessing with the pretty girl from the deli. IF you're that interested/obsessed with her, just go up to her and ask her for a drink. If you think you can't do that then leave her alone. These types of obsessive tendancies are not good for you. Especially when you need to be dealing with the breakup.

cantdecide

I'm not going to boss you around but in fairness, until you said you were 26, I was assuming you were in your teens. You have a lot on your plate to deal with and you sound to me like you need to chillax for a while.

Dress it up as you sant but I would certainly think about restraining your wish to indulge yourself in these feelings and playing out these possible scenarios. Every guy will think their cute sandwich girl fancies them at some stage and for the most part, we're wrong so don't humiliate either of the two of you. I do agree that what you've done thusfar is borderline stalking and I would curb your creativity in these matters...

Joey the lips

I honestly think there is 2 issues built into this story

I think the op is trying to stirr his first girlfriend by using another. He also knows his first girfriend reads boards which is why he has done his best to draw us to this post.

I also think he is stalking the other girl and I hope to god she reads this forum to know who we are talking about.

I honestly think op your behaviour is dangerous and I suggest you leave both girls alone. That would be my advice to you!

loloray

BJC wrote: »

We're here to give advice and opinions not orders. Be a little bit more helpfull for God's sake.

Are you a moderator?
I agree 100% with Miss Fluff. She gave a clear concise diagnosis and gave advice.

The OP does seem to be obsessed with this lady, and I also think the OP should stop. OP I think you should reread your post and see what most people are telling you to do.

BJC - Miss Fluff actually gave a lot more advice than you gave - which was zero.

I also have no idea what a dalliance is? Is it an engagement ring???

JackieT

really, you're acting a little bit creepy! I think you should just forget her and look for someone else

Next time you meet a girl you like, talk to her, then if you like her , ask her out right there and then, don't overthink it! I realise you find it hard to deal with people of the opposite sex, but practice makes perfect you know - maybe if you just try talking to some girls on a night out, you'll realise they arent that scary after all

towel401

Joey the lips wrote: »

I honestly think there is 2 issues built into this story

I think the op is trying to stirr his first girlfriend by using another. He also knows his first girfriend reads boards which is why he has done his best to draw us to this post.

I also think he is stalking the other girl and I hope to god she reads this forum to know who we are talking about.

I honestly think op your behaviour is dangerous and I suggest you leave both girls alone. That would be my advice to you!

thats a bit far fetched i think.

and if you call this stalking, you don't know the meaning of the word

Joey the lips

towel401 wrote: »

thats a bit far fetched i think.

and if you call this stalking, you don't know the meaning of the word

Welcome to the thread if you are going to make a statement back it up. I will explain what I mean.

What do you call this behaviour

If you think my answer is far fetched what would be your answer.

It seems I am not the only one who mentioned stalking!

LegacyUser

Guys, thanks for all your opinions and suggestions. I do seem to agree to most of you, to some extent.

I don't feel like I'm stalking her in the right meaning of the word, I would call this "research". See it as someone trying to make a move to inform one another about their intentions but failing completely due to the lack of experience / courage / confidence - even after having practised the speech a little bit. When I said I went there just checking if she was getting out with someone or had anyone waiting for her, it's just that I wanted to know whether she'd have bf/husband, so I could back off at the same speed as I got in .. if that means anything to you at large.

I reckon someone who mentioned before that I may be mixing feelings with the "your average deli girl", but what if I'm not? am I doing something that I shouldn't ? I mean, the probing her shifts thing was partly...err..wrong, but, would it be better to ask her out when she's preparing me my sandwich, in front of her colleagues and my colleagues? Honestly, I don't want to interfere with her job, that'd be far worse than my insofar failed attempts. On the other hand, I work close to it, so I cannot afford to spend an hour where a lot of coworkers just go on and off.

Honestly, I understand the stalking part and I understand I have a pretty ****ed up messy head to pull back into orbit, but I would truly appreciate less judgemental comments, because those wont make me move into the right direction! c'mon.

star-pants

Pass her a note when you get your sandwich next - no embarrassment, and leave your number on it and see how that goes.

I wouldn't say its stalking, but it's an unhealthy obsession. Having been on the receiving end of this behaviour a billion times, it can come across as creepy and scary. Unfortunately a lot of men seem to confuse friendliness and politeness for fancying them. When you work in service jobs, you HAVE to be friendly and chatty, but now and again you get that guy who thinks you're interested in him, sees 'signs' which simply aren't there. I had one confused guy (after being told I had a long term boyfriend and wasn't interested) say 'but you always smile at me!' - if he had bothered to notice, I smile at almost everyone. Even the guys in my local shop are at it now, I walked past last night and one of them saw me out of the window and rushed out of the shop to say goodnight. I looked over my shoulder when I got down the road to see him staring after me. I'm sorry, but it's WEIRD. It's really intrusive and unwelcome. It's getting to the stage now where I walk around in shops with a big scowl on my face and don't use my manners, lest some random person thinks I'm in love with them because I smiled and said hello!

It is possible the girl fancies you, but quite unlikely. If you HAVE to ask her out, do so as directly as possible. Stop finding out her work schedules and what time she gets the train, ffs, unless you want her to call the guards.

MJOR

As someone that worked in retail for a very long time i aould say its not unusual for her to chat away and enquire after you, however she may not be interested at all. So just slip her your number and leave it at that. Stop watching her because if she cops it you'll come across as being downright creepy

LegacyUser

People are being a little bit tough on this guy. He's dragging things out a bit but that's all.

However, while I wouldnt agree that you're "stalking" her, I do think that if you keep this up for much longer, she's going to think you're a little bit strange.

Stop trying to catch her in the "perfect" situation - it'll never happen. Just ask her out straight and simple. if she says yes, great. If she says no, you'll probably have to start making sandwiches at home.