Don't know how I feel about decision to have babies

cufroige

This is just a feeler/rant to get the dilemma of my life out of my own head & get some feedback...
Apologies if it's in the wrong forum

Also I apologise if what I am waffling about may seem insensitive to women/men who face the prospect of never having children not through their own choice, that is not my intention, this is just my own personal issue. And because I have also never tried to concieve, I am only presuming myself to have the priveledge of choice..

I can't for the life of me figure out whether I want children.

Of course, all I hear from friends who are parents is that it's the best thing that ever happened to them. Sure, I hear ya's but I hardly expect anyone to admit they've made a terrible mistake.
And what bothers me also is that some parents carry themselves as if they've accomplished something that makes us non-parents saps and are somehow superior, smug and patronising in their advocating the decision / lifestyle choice. Again, I feel they must champion the decision to us 'hang arounders' as if there's something wrong with us for 'overthinking' it.

Of course I'm going to overthink this decision. I gave a dog away once after making the mistake of taking one on without much consideration of time space & breed, because he was homeless and cute, then he wasn't a puppy anymore and grew into a horse that nipped my neighbors bratty kid.
I felt so horrible about that... Off topic slightly but I have since moved to a bigger house and done a lot of research before finding the dog of my dreams and everthing has worked out great. I love my dog, but I knew what I was getting into with this one....

Now, back to humans...I am afraid I will regret not having children (I'm 33yo married Female)
But I'm more afraid of regretting having children if I do.

God, it's really doing my head in though.

I HATE people who say not having children is a selfish decision like as if to scold you for enjoying your life as it is. Is it not just as selfish to have a baby just because you're broody?

Babies are cute, kids are cute, teenagers are not, adult kids are not.. I wouldn't like to have an offspring like me.

I have no romantic delusions about having my own baby. I am not under the illusion that it will be all cuteness and cuddles.... And yes I get very broody. My husband gets broody, and he would be a great father and we would be a great team.

I am good with kids and I am kind. My friends tell me I would be a wonderful mother. I love my friends kids & my baby nephews but I have never been at any of their beck & calls, they have never kept me up at night so of course I am good with them and seem like I'd be a good mother.
Some of my friends kids are very bold. I have been hit by 2 of them and mammy just lightly directs them that 'that's bold'. The children more often than not run riot & are not disciplined at all, and their antics are laughed off and labelled as cute!!!

I know it's illegal but I would be of the school of "a kick in the hole" if I had a child who slapped or kicked my friends, their friends or siblings or the dog.

I love my sleep, love soaking in the bath, reading, peace & quiet, doing what I want when I want. I often take on classes in various hobbies during any given time. I am a terrible procrastinator, a terrible saver of money, I can be very unorganised. I don't always have great energy. I already hate my body and have since I was six years old. I won't be a 'glowing' pregnant woman enjoying the experience, it will suck. I won't gloat about my 'achievement' as if I've passed some 'fantastic person' test.

I and my husband are My in laws only chance of becoming grandparents & they would be such lovely grandparents, and I would have a lot of support, so I do romanticise SOMETIMES about all those good things, good times. That is part of the 'will I regret it if I don't' thought process.
YET I DREAD to think of the possibility of postnatal depression on top of regret. I have a tendency toward depression anyway.

BY THE WAY,,, when I say 'regret' having kids I mean it from both sides. Obviously the selfish regret of my time not being my own anymore, but also and more importantly the guilty regret of bringing a child into a world bad enough without having a headcase of a mother not sure if she's done the right thing, not being a good parent, ya know...Not being able to cope.
Actually, I can't find an unselfish reason for bringing a child into the world...

God, I'll stop there... that has turned out to be a spew of a rant, but there it is.. I just want people to let me know if they know what I mean.
I'd love to hear from Non parents with the same dillema,
parents with re-assurance, no regrets
parents with regrets (if such a person exists, please be honest & come forward)

Thank you so much in advance :eek:

Snowie

Thinking about it leads to lot's of pros and con's......


It would apear, that you missed load's of good point's that you would experence as a mother...

first time the baby says moma or dada.
First time the baby walk's
first day they go to school.
First acheavement the kid brings home from school.
fisrt time the kid comes limping in because s/he falls of his bike and you look after the kid.
The first tooth s/he losse's and the tooth fairy
Chreistmas his her first christmas list
The funny things kids do ?

Kids are great, ive worked with them from the age of 16 to 22 as a summer camp instructer full time ive worked in adventure center's, i have more fun with kids and there funny questions then with adults some time's there awsome good fun with kids they keep you young something that few adults cant do...

Yes all kids missbheave of course they do but it's how you make them relise there miss beheaving you teach them right from wrong.

I think your focusing to much on the bad and not on the good side...

CathyMoran

I was petrified at the idea of becoming pregnant and becoming a mother - I am not domesticated, not the best with pets though I love other peoples kids and they love me. However I always knew that if I married my husband we would have to try for them, then I got ill and was faced with the prospect of not having them...from then on in I knew that I wanted them either biologically or by adoption...we got pregnant and lost a baby but I loved being pregnant and while I was petrified of doing the right thing a baby was right for us. A lady in work said that if you are not worried about having kids then you should not be having them - in a way that makes sense. Trying again for a brother or sister for the one we lost. In the end only you and your husband can make that decision, good luck.

Phsyche

I think a lot of people might not agree with me on this but you seem to enjoy your time being you at the moment and a child will only hinder you.

As for this:
first time the baby says moma or dada.
First time the baby walk's
Etc.,

When a woman has post-natal depression for a couple of years after the birth(you might you might not have it but if you've already experienced it you will probably get it) her life is a bit ruined and all these achievements will not look exciting at all unfortunately.
And believe me, no matter what everyone says there's not enough help for people with depression out there.

One of my friends always says to people who keep talking about having kids. 'Borrow' a child from someone for a week and you'll get it out of your system

r3nu4l

Phsyche wrote: »

...her life is a bit ruined and all these achievements will not look exciting at all unfortunately.
And believe me, no matter what everyone says there's not enough help for people with depression out there.

I'd correct by saying her life is shattered rather than just a bit ruined. For many women with post natal depression they hate themselves for hating their baby, they hate having the baby around, they get into terrible arguments with their partners and the partners life is made miserable too. There really isn't enough help for women with post natal depression out there, that I agree with

Original Poster, here's the deal. You seem to really enjoy your life right now, the one thing most parents have said to me is that once you have children your life is no longer your own (they've all also said, they don't regret it ). Now if you really love your life as is then you need to think strongly about this decision, like you are doing now.

As for it being selfish to not have children well I'd be someone who says that in many ways it is very selfish to have children. It's a natural genetic urge and giving into it means that you are further populating an already overpopulated world, massively increasing your carbon footprint and that of the world in general and if in the future we really do see massive food shortages globally and huge inflation in the price of foodstuffs then you may be bringing a child into a world that is nowhere near as nice as this world we are in now.

All of that said, I want children myself...just not now. I think I'd make a good Dad and my wife would be a good mother but there are lots of things for us to think over right now before going any further.

It's a tough call, you need to think long and hard about how much time you are willing to give over to a child (all of it) and how much you are willing to sacrifice. That's the 'bottom line'.

VeryBerry

cufroige wrote: »

.. I just want people to let me know if they know what I mean.
I'd love to hear from Non parents with the same dillema,
parents with re-assurance, no regrets
parents with regrets (if such a person exists, please be honest & come forward)

Thank you so much in advance :eek:

I don't know if I'd fall into this final category yet - because baby isn't due for another few weeks. But I'm quite prepared to admit that being pregant and becoming a mother isn't something I'm 100% thrilled about.

I can completely understand where your coming from OP. I was (and am!) of a somewhat similar frame of mind, perhaps more extreme, because I was fairly sure I never wanted children at at all. For myself and my own situation, I couldn't (can't?) see anything positive in the experience. I also couldn't (and still can't) see that it would be in the best interests of a baby to be brought up by me!

But despite using two forms of contraception, I somehow managed to get pregnant, and my husband and I made the really, really tough decision to have the baby. There are days when I do regret the decision, as already it is impacting negatively on my life - particularly my work life. And I'm pretty sure things aren't going to get any easier when the baby is born. But I have to live by the decision I've made, and I keep trying to focus on all those positive things other posters were talking about.

With regards to your own situation, think abuot how you would feel right now, and what you would do, if you found out you were pregnant. I think we can talk things about things and analyse things over and over and get no where. But sometimes gut reactions are a really good indicator of what we truly want. And I wish I'd listened to mine.

Darthhoob

VeryBerry wrote: »

I don't know if I'd fall into this final category yet - because baby isn't due for another few weeks. But I'm quite prepared to admit that being pregant and becoming a mother isn't something I'm 100% thrilled about.

I can completely understand where your coming from OP. I was (and am!) of a somewhat similar frame of mind, perhaps more extreme, because I was fairly sure I never wanted children at at all. For myself and my own situation, I couldn't (can't?) see anything positive in the experience. I also couldn't (and still can't) see that it would be in the best interests of a baby to be brought up by me!

But despite using two forms of contraception, I somehow managed to get pregnant, and my husband and I made the really, really tough decision to have the baby. There are days when I do regret the decision, as already it is impacting negatively on my life - particularly my work life. And I'm pretty sure things aren't going to get any easier when the baby is born. But I have to live by the decision I've made, and I keep trying to focus on all those positive things other posters were talking about.

With regards to your own situation, think abuot how you would feel right now, and what you would do, if you found out you were pregnant. I think we can talk things about things and analyse things over and over and get no where. But sometimes gut reactions are a really good indicator of what we truly want. And I wish I'd listened to mine.

(((hugs))) i was in the same situation as you, but i was 19, living with parents, and the father was a prat who doesn't have anthing to do with my son. i really didn't want children but found myself pregnant and decided, against the odd, to have the baby. i didn't know if i was making the right choice but now that he is nearly 7 years old i know i did. it was tough there is no denying that, especially as he has asperger's syndrome. i couldn't imagine life without him and although he can be very hard work the moments he is funny, loving, nice make up for it. put it this way if he doesn something that REALLY upset me during the day i'd still think positively of things at the end of the day the love you feel is on a different level. i also suffered from post natal depression, more so actually with my second child (who i was ready for and planned with a man i'm spending the rest of my life with). the only regrets i have about having my eldest is that situation i was in at the time and my age at the time. i dont regret having him at all...just wish i was ready for him (and i wish his biological dad was his stepdad...as he is a great dad)
obviously i'm me and you are you...but just wante you to know it is possible to be happy when you are dreading it x

as for the OP, dont have children cos other people think you should or because you think you should. have them cos you are ready and you want them it seems to me as you dont want one yet nor are you ready so hold it off for now . i certainly dont think that not havng children is selfish.....i see selfish parents more often than i'd like

bicardi19

I'm the mother of 4 kids and really don't believe you are being selfish. You are weighing up the pros and cons and giving the idea lots of thought.

The only problen with thinking about having kids is you tend to see the hard work they take, the money they cost, the time they take etc.

When I had my first, it was a surprise, I wasn't married , was only 20, living at home and had only been with my boyfriend for about 6 months. Had no intention of having a baby and was hardly able to look after myself. And I can't stress that enough.
Forward on 9 months and when I held that baby in my arms for the first time and I knew that I would not have had it any other way. All those feelings of apprehension and dread just dissapear. Don't get me wrong it's not a walk in the park but its so worth it.

If having a baby was so bad why would we humans keep on doing it.
Having a baby is not all just hard work and sleepness nights there are rewards for all your hard work.

It is you and your husbands decision to have a baby. Don't let other people tell you what you should and shouldnt be doing. Do whatever you think is right for you two. Just because I have 4 doesn't mean I think everyone should have kids. I just wanted to let you know that there is a positive side to it as well.

And just for the record I'm not a big fan of other peoples kids either. I'm of the same thought as you when it comes to teaching them a bit of manners.
"kids are like farts you can only stand your own"

cufroige

bicardi19 wrote: »

"kids are like farts you can only stand your own"

LMAO!!! That's so funny

Thank you all for your very honest opinions.

I woke up this morning and thought "Am I gonna be lambasted on boards for my post?"

I'm delighted with the feedback. In response to a few of your replies

yes, I guess I like my life as it is now. I should keep that in mind.
I suppose I am overthinking/ focusing on the difficulties of having kids.
I agree there are a lot of selfish parents out there and I hate to see that.
Some kids are brought into the world almost like trophies by these selfish people.
I wrestle with the selfishness of becoming pregnant just coz people 'want' their own kids.
I agree the world is in a state of overpopulation and would feel guilty and very self indulgent about ignoring that.
I understand my (sometimes overwhelming) broodiness is my body's natural urge to procreate and send my genes on to live forever (selfish gene)
I have thought about all the good times : first tooth, first bike etc but they seem like feeble reasons to go for it.

I'm more particularly concerned about a growing child, and the issues they may face, like bullying, drugs, us being treated like a cash machine, horrible friends of bad influence & if my child WAS the horrible bad influence friend.

I know a lot of the above has as much to do with good parenting and direction from me as is has with it 'just being so' but it's the teenage years that really frighten me... Some teenagers are HORRENDOUS!!! Then again, a lot of the horrible ones I know would have been better raised by a pack of dogs, so the blame lies squarely with mam & dad.

funny enough, If I realised I was preggers tomorrow my gut tells me I wouldn't be devastated that it'd be ok, of course I would worry & probably have a few days of panic but I think that's normal.

I have a couple of friends coming to stay soon with 4 kids between them for a few days, it doesn't exactly count as 'borrowing' but I KNOW I'm gonna be frazzled when they leave. But they'll be in novelty mode and hyper. I'm gonna have to set some house rules this time coz last time 2 of the same kids absolutely upended my house with no intervention from mammy. I thought it was very bold, it wasn't just kid mess, they took all the cushions off sofas & beds onto the floor & fought & cried & kept running in to 'tell' on each other...grrrrr...
So this time I will have to take the role of rule setter and explain what I expect and do not from them. We'll see how that goes!

I have a strong feeling It may be that I'm just not ready, and behind that there are fantasies of myself never having my house taken over by a brood of brats ....Thoughts of me throwing spare clothes into a bag and fecking off where ever I like on a whim.
Then there is the constant biological alarm going off in my head that at age 33 I'd wanna start clarifying my position here because my eggs won't wait forever. They may jump ship before I'm fully decided and laugh at me on the way out!!

My Brain is fried! But thank you all....keep em comin!!:D

Affable

Strange this thread should come up. I've been thinking the exact same thing, so can empathise. It is a very, very complex issue. I hear you about the patronising people, they are most annoying. Some who leap into relationships and kids young are pretty limited people.

The genetic legacy standpoint has not much validity. In two generations there will be as much of your genes left as there are in 1 generation of your siblings kids, if that makes sense or puts it in perspective. Genetic legacies don't last long. Plus there are racial/demographic shifts taking place in the world. Then there's the question of do you want someone to look after you when you're old, selfish maybe but a valid question..I guess there may be other family members you have, also it's not entirely worth living your life morbidly for years and years ahead. Then there's do you actually want that love in your life will you feel empty without it? Well, thats impossible to determine...it might depend whether you have more career/creative goals than relationship goals. Then there's the practical issue, ie can you find an attractive, fun partner who doesn't want kids, and would that be better than a not so good partner who does want them?(one permutation of many possible situations)
I can't really answer these questions for you as they are so complex.
I can only point you in this direction;
The best piece of wisdom I've managed to conclude from thinking about this issue is this-We are subject to influences on our feelings and personalities when in the company of others. There is a tendency to think that because this influence has legitimacy or power over us then it must be valid, it must be submitted to, and we can't rail against it(a good example would be the folks being smug about kids you mentioned). Ever seen those case where a child raised by dogs ends up behaving like a dog? That's the influence it was under and it was unavoidable. Doesn't mean it has legitimacy or that it's 'righteous' though, even thought aht may be virtually hardwired into the kids brain..it's adapted to that influence to survive. Strange example I know but it make some parallel sense to me.
But we can rail against influences because we have mltiple selves and potentials in different environments.
Put it this way, here's some possibilities.
If you are experiencing envy or pressure for kids solely when around these people but at other times not at all and you are dreaming of other things like freedom, wealth, travel etc, it may be these people just have a fleeting influence on you which you have magnified, and which you could ignore.
However if you have thought of having kids outside this influence(and maybe you can determine what constitues being outside the influence)
ie you dream of it in private moments then that means you really do carea and want them.
The former scenario is wanting them for envy but not because you care about them, the latter is genuinely wanting them.

I hope that helps, but it is not at all easy.

cufroige

Affable wrote: »

If you are experiencing envy or pressure for kids solely when around these people but at other times not at all and you are dreaming of other things like freedom, wealth, travel etc, it may be these people just have a fleeting influence on you which you have magnified, and which you could ignore.
However if you have thought of having kids outside this influence(and maybe you can determine what constitues being outside the influence)
ie you dream of it in private moments then that means you really do carea and want them.
The former scenario is wanting them for envy but not because you care about them, the latter is genuinely wanting them.

I hope that helps, but it is not at all easy.

Good point, thank you...

Good to know I'm not alone here..

yeneewss

Wow, your friends' kids sound awful. Kids are how they are brought up. If my kids had behaved that way when they were young, I would have killed them. Seeing brats makes you want to not have brats. Raise your kids with manners, love and respect for themselves and others. Having said that, no-one will die if you don't have kids. Was 21 when I had my first, unprepared like most youngsters. Now I have three and am 41 and looking forward to all those things I missed when I was young, but now I have people to do them with - my husband, my son (19), my daughter (17) and my baby, (12). They were hard work but I have achieved something in that they are well rounded, unbrat-like, people that make me proud. People tell me all the time to be proud of them but I think they should be proud of themselves. Raising good people is an achievement, but being happy in yourself is also an achievement. Borrowing brats won't work. Borrowing kids who are a pleasure to be around is different and will give you a different perspective. You are young and still have plenty of time, if having children is meant for you biologically as well. Of course, even if you don't have kids, you can volunteer for youth stuff - like one of the people who replied. I was a scout leader for a while and worked with the ISPCC. Kids are hard but kids are also a source of joy and inspiration and make you want to go on with life when nothing else does! At the end of the day though I believe in gut instincts and when yours tell you what they tell you, listen to them!!!
Good luck, whatever you decide. Be who you are meant to be, not what anyone else wants you to be!

Darthhoob

bicardi19 wrote: »

I'm the mother of 4 kids and really don't believe you are being selfish. You are weighing up the pros and cons and giving the idea lots of thought.

The only problen with thinking about having kids is you tend to see the hard work they take, the money they cost, the time they take etc.

When I had my first, it was a surprise, I wasn't married , was only 20, living at home and had only been with my boyfriend for about 6 months. Had no intention of having a baby and was hardly able to look after myself. And I can't stress that enough.
Forward on 9 months and when I held that baby in my arms for the first time and I knew that I would not have had it any other way. All those feelings of apprehension and dread just dissapear. Don't get me wrong it's not a walk in the park but its so worth it.

If having a baby was so bad why would we humans keep on doing it.
Having a baby is not all just hard work and sleepness nights there are rewards for all your hard work.

It is you and your husbands decision to have a baby. Don't let other people tell you what you should and shouldnt be doing. Do whatever you think is right for you two. Just because I have 4 doesn't mean I think everyone should have kids. I just wanted to let you know that there is a positive side to it as well.

And just for the record I'm not a big fan of other peoples kids either. I'm of the same thought as you when it comes to teaching them a bit of manners.
"kids are like farts you can only stand your own"

ahahah so true. love my kids but not keen on other peoples'

Sonderval

Ah yes, the 2.5 children, house and marriage scenario. Seems like this is an exceptionally common dream for the vast majority of people.

Frankly, I cannot see the appeal at all. I know family and friends who have had children, and while they never say a bad word about the experience, they know they can't either. And I know it cuts them up when I can go and do stuff they cannot because I do not have this huge, life warping responsibility.

I agree there are a lot of selfish parents out there and I hate to see that.

You have no idea - alot more then you'd probably think. All those kids throwing stones at your home some evenings? They have parents who think they have the whole parenting thing nailed down.

Some kids are brought into the world almost like trophies by these selfish people.
I wrestle with the selfishness of becoming pregnant just coz people 'want' their own kids.

There is nothing selfish in not wanting kids either. I have no idea how people can peddle that belief - it is easily defeated by any logical argument.

I agree the world is in a state of overpopulation and would feel guilty and very self indulgent about ignoring that.

Nice to see someone actually consider that for a change! The vast majority of people casually ignore such a fact. Sure one more won't matter...

I understand my (sometimes overwhelming) broodiness is my body's natural urge to procreate and send my genes on to live forever (selfish gene)

Humans are at a funny point in our evolution - we're driven in part by our genetic prerogatives, and yet we have transcended many aspects of our instinctual selves. There is no need anymore to be submit to many of these urges unless you want too.

I have thought about all the good times : first tooth, first bike etc but they seem like feeble reasons to go for it.

They are adorably special moments - I've shared some of them with family myself. But they are not the be all and end all of human experience. Not by a mile. And they alone are not a valid reason to have a child.

John Mason

I know exactly where you are coming from OP but i have came out the otherside and have decided never to have children.

They are dirty, smelly, loud and wreck your house and life.

I am so tired of people telling me that i am running out of time and need to sprogged up fast.

but then i look at my friends with kids, they are haggered beyond their years and completely broke.

and i know they look at me and wish had never had their kids (probably one for a split second but that longing look is there).

Then you have this whole business of who is going to look after you when you are old - that is the most selfish reason in the world to have children. ut i have already informed my friends 9 year old, that she will be looking after me when i am old - so that problem is solved

bicardi19

I'm definitly not haggard and old looking.
When I tell people I have 4 kids they usually tell me I don't look like I have 4 kids. Whats that all about? Never really understood that comment.
And surprise surprise I still have a social life.
Just cause you have kids does not mean you stop loooking after yourself or caring what you look like.

bicardi19

having said that its none of my business if "Mary" down the road has 10 kids ( as long as shes not on benefits and pays to feed, clothe, and keep a roof over their heads) or no kids its her life and her decision.
I wouldn't want anyone telling me what I should and should not be doing with my life.

Affable

cufroige wrote: »

Good point, thank you...

Good to know I'm not alone here..

Uni opened my eyes to not having kids. Frees you up to travel, buy a nice flat in a great city without financial worries(from using investments yoiu have), have some erotic experimentation, follow creative pursuits etc.
If you could find a supportive partner to do it with it can be liberating.

trio

This is a really interesting post for me because I could have written it, and I'm also a 33 yr old married female.

But it's good to get your thoughts in order because by God, it gets confusing if you have no natural desire to raise children.

I mean, EVERYONE I know at this stage that are my age are starting families. So you start to become noticeable by your omission in that area. And yet I have to say I never look at them with envy because they look absolutely shattered.

And to be honest, it's always the mothers life that changes. How many house husbands (by choice) do you know in reality? Their partners/husbands may be having less sleep, but they're still out of the house until 7pm in the evening at work. None of my friends can afford to keep working and pay childcare so their lives have done a complete 180 since having the kids.

They've gone from being sociable, working women, out and about, to being women who barely see anyone other than their mother and the checkout girls at the supermarket. It just seems so lonely! I think the isolation would grind me down. I know there are some mothers who continue with great social lives but all of my friends have barely the energy to cook their husbands dinner every night.

But still, from time to time you see a pregnant woman and feel like there's a club that you'll never belong to. But the funny thing is that I never feel like that seeing a woman with kids trailing after her, so wierdly I suspect that I would be very curious to experience pregnancy but just don't want all that comes after.

Maybe I should be a surrogate!

Last weekend I was in a gang of women and one of the mothers was telling a funny story about her kid and in the middle broke off and said to me "Now you wouldn't understand this, not being a mother, but never mind...." and continued with the story. And I felt pretty stung. I'm not BACKWARD! I can understand a funny story as well as anyone! OK, so maybe I'm missing this really deeeeeep level of super-mommy-humour, but JESUS! Thanks for making me feel like a whole different and less interesting species!

Laivasse

I'm in a similar, slightly more pressing, situation but I'm approaching it from the male side of things.

For almost my entire life up to this point, I imagined myself as childless for eternity. Without disliking children, I never really saw their appeal. Also, like some previous posters, I get angered by the unpreparedness of many parents, with 'trophy' kids whom they bring into the world rashly and then often proceed to screw up. I can't help but feel that's an arrogant way to live.

However, I've been in a relationship with a girl who has recently made it clear to me that her future will include kids. After brushing the issue aside for a long time I've suddenly been forced to a precipice where I have to decide how I REALLY feel about them, because my future happiness with this girl - who is, frankly, 'the one' - is at stake.

As a guy, it seems like the genetic imperative to actually have a child is less pronounced. To have sex? Sure, that drive is there, but men think less about what sex is for than the sex itself IMO. I have met plenty of men who see themselves as future fathers, but I suspect this is more of a learned response, gained through experience with other people's children. It's hard to imagine a man having no contact with children at all and still feeling the slow-burning urge to father a little boy or girl.

Unfortunately for me, I am that man: I can't remember ever having held a baby, and the only time I remember interacting with people significantly younger than myself was a brief period in my late teens when I babysat an 8- and 11-year-old. Yet in that mindset, I'm having to examine how I feel about children, with a view to parenthood. I've discovered I don't mind them at all. Unlike some others here I don't find them dirty, smelly or annoying. It's easy for me to like them. In fact I sympathise with children a lot because I often feel like a bit of a simple-minded manchild myself. Yet they are still a huge unknown quantity to me and as such the thought of parenthood is still tied to massive unease.

Like some others have said, perhaps the biggest worry is over the type of parent I'd be. As someone with a bit of a bleaker outlook on life than is the norm, it's often all too easy to imagine worst case scenarios. For example, the parent-child emotional bond never forms, or you screw up the child due to some character flaw you can't control, or you do your absolute best and your child turns out horrible anyway... But I think that all might be a bit of a self-sabotaging, self-fulfilling prophecy. Worry endlessly over what type of parent you'd be, and the fear itself may poison the experience. Have faith in yourself as a person, and those same qualities you celebrate in yourself will see you on the way to becoming a good parent.

That's what I'm hoping anyway.

Affable

trio wrote: »

Last weekend I was in a gang of women and one of the mothers was telling a funny story about her kid and in the middle broke off and said to me "Now you wouldn't understand this, not being a mother, but never mind...." and continued with the story. And I felt pretty stung. I'm not BACKWARD! I can understand a funny story as well as anyone! OK, so maybe I'm missing this really deeeeeep level of super-mommy-humour, but JESUS! Thanks for making me feel like a whole different and less interesting species!

That's not an indication of satisfaction is it? That rather indicates she envies you. I've noticed similar resentment from a stressed sibling with kids.

LegacyUser

it is really a matter for yourself. I have children and whilst I don't regret it let's be honest I can't say contrary without causing them great psychological harm or having people attack me. It is nice to have the two I have but I would never, ever have more. To be honest if I never had children, that would be okay, too. Maybe even better.

You can have relationships with children without being a parent. My sister is a primary school teacher, loves her job but never wants to have children. It is rewarding to see your child grow but it is also terribly draining and exhausting.

Choosing to not have children is an absolutely acceptable life choice and can be a very rewarding, if not more rewarding one than having children. Do not give into the pressure that comes from family, television, advertising, etc. It is your life and you should do what fits your lifestyle and feelings. Don't feel guilty about it.

Here is an interesting link on the subject http://childfreenews.blogspot.com/2006/10/childfree-news-and-like-it-is-revisit.html

dudara

Do not waste your time worrying about fulfilling what you perceive to be other peoples' expectations.

Have the confidence and faith in yourself to make a decision that you will be happy with.

yeneewss

There are a few slightly aggressive replies to your original query. Brats are brats, obviously, but not all kids are brats and not all parents are tied down and begging for a day of freedom. Like I said before, I had my kids very young but now I go out, travel, "experiment" (in the sense that one of the aggressive replies mentions!), etc. At the end of the day the decision is yours and all the b**ls*** written here, including my replies, cannot make your mind up for you. Listen to yourself and no-one else.

LegacyUser

I HATE people who say not having children is a selfish decision like as if to scold you for enjoying your life as it is. Is it not just as selfish to have a baby just because you're broody?

I think that kind of attitude went out with the ark....even my friends with kids would never dare to say that out loud. People nowadaysshould be more enlightened. Anyone who says something like the above should be challenged, as in how can it be selfish to do something that harms nobody, ie remain child free?
Its a nonsense! Probably jealous of the freedom childfree people have!

Its far more selfish to have kids just to be in the dreaded smug 'Mammy club'....

Myself, I have none, I am the only one of my friends who doesn't. I have now officially given up trying to keep in contact with any of them. I put my heart and soul into my friends and their kids, I knew how hard it was for them to find time to contact friends even formerly close ones. I never invaded their space or called unannounced, I babysat and played with their kids, I listened to their woes, I am basically a giver.

The last straw was when my last 4 childless friends got pregnant all at the same time, I am left with not one friend in the world to talk to. Its pointless trying to keep up the semblance of any relationship or friendship, they just dont reciprocate. The only friends they bother with are other parents.

I know they are up to their eyes but it hurts when all they have time for is each other. I phone only to find out they are all together all the time bringing each others kids out, the only free time I get to see the kids are weekends, when I always discover their plans are already made and I am never thought of. Just for once I would like to bring out one of the kids or be asked to the park.

Anyhoo, each to their own but being childfree in a childcentric world becomes a farce as you get older. All my friends are gone to me, sucked away by the next generation. I have no choice now only to make friends with younger people or men only and I suppose watch them all sleepwalk into it too! ARGH !

yellowcurl

I'm not at the age where i have to sit down and decide anything like you are trying to now but something my own mom told me recently popped into my head as i was reading your post.

She was/is a very career orientated person and made the decision to have children with my dad. While telling people that she was pregnant she was shocked by the amount of people whose responses were "oh... really? you, a mother?" and "I never really imagined you as the maternal type." Which frankly isn't a very nice thing to say to someone who is swimming with hormones and is already worrying about baby and life etc. She told me that she had never really felt a huge urge to have children but then slowly decided to weigh out the options with my dad. They were responsible and made a well thought out decision.

Then there is the other side, my uncle and aunt have never had children. They simply decided that they would like to just enjoy their lives by themselves and have the freedom that having a child doesn't quite allow. They could take months off work and just travel or take off for a weekend somewhere without the immense amount of planning that would be needed with children involved. They are incredibly caring people and I remember many times when my brother and I went for 'sleepovers' at theirs, they always made a huge effort to be a part of our lives but have never regretted their decision not to have children.

Sorry this is getting a bit long, but essentially what i'm trying to say is that there are many different options out there and there are no wrong decisions. It's simply your own decision to make with your partner. I had great parents even though other people didn't seem to think that they had any "parenting" qualities. There's no set list of requirements to be a parent, and the fact that you're already worrying about how it would affect the child if you regretted becoming a parents shows that you have at least one quality that unfortunately some parents out there don't have.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I think the woman's role has changed so much in that she is not just a baby machine anymore - i remember the old handbooks on how to be a good wife! run the bath for the hubby coming home, tidy the house raise the children etc...

Women are now in a different time, i am with my boyfriend nearly 13 years we are not married and we have no children as yet, we have both worked quite hard on ourselves as people emotionally getting any baggage dealt with and building up a financial steady income, i still wasnt sure i wanted kids but im starting to feel it is the next step for us, we will probably plan a baby before getting married.

There is a purpose for us all in this life, for some women its not to have babies, think of Oprah she has said she never wanted children and that the work she has done with the girls in Africa - that they are her children,

I feel that every woman has the right to become herself and do whatever feels right for her, woman in their 40s can conceive today anyway so being in early 30s is still young, im nearly 31 abd i feel with where my relationship is at i think if we had children there would be equal responsibility from the man and woman this was something which always scared me, if i would be left holding the baby so to speak,


I think a woman knows when shes ready, until then- no pressure! xx

stovelid

cufroige wrote: »

parents with re-assurance, no regrets

I wish there was an easy answer, or one that wasn't platitudinous. Anybody I know just kind of fell into parenthood. All I can say is that, from my perspective of course, the things I worried about (like annoying, demanding kids) just made sense when it was my kid.

I miss the freedom and time to do things like you're describing. I miss the shit out of it, but I don't regret having my son for an instant.

Nobody can say whether it's for you, except you. One thing I'm sure of though is that your decision is the right one, even if it's not to have a child. And nobody else has the right to tell you different.

LegacyUser

VeryBerry wrote: »

But despite using two forms of contraception, I somehow managed to get pregnant

Really?!! Are you sure you were using both correctly? What were you using?

VeryBerry

Unregistered wrote: »

Really?!! Are you sure you were using both correctly? What were you using?

Yes really.

Yes we were using them both correctly - and had been for 10 years with no problems or scares.

We were using the pill and condoms.

dancing_d

Sonderval wrote: »

Ah yes, the 2.5 children, house and marriage scenario. Seems like this is an exceptionally common dream for the vast majority of people.

Frankly, I cannot see the appeal at all. .

Totally agree with you there. Renting at the mo, with the OH @9 years with no intentions of marriage anytime soon and really don't feel any desire to have kids. I feel so happy, free, unlimited and love my life. I see friends and siblings with kids and although I am happy for them/ love the kids - It is not a picture I could paint myself in...