I've got a problem... can I change the kind of woman I'm attracted to?

LegacyUser

You might not take my problem seriously, but it's causing me a lot of distress recently and has made me quite depressed at times. I don't know if many people go through this..

Basically, I'm physically *very* attracted to slim girls with long legs, who dress nice, for example cute miniskirts, boots... girly girls I guess you could call them.

The problem is, I don't seem to have much in common with them (in my experience so far). I spent three years in a relationship with a girl I was amazingly physically attracted to, and had great sex, etc. and I kept trying to convince myself that we had things in common. I kept trying to find stuff we could do together to fill in the gaps... but the truth was, we were on totally different planes of existence and had absolutely nothing in common. The chemistry and the spark was unreal, and that can keep a relationship going, even if you have nothing in common I guess...

But I was left feeling empty inside, even after we had the most amazing physical intimacy - we fitted very well together physically.

Fast forward to the present, and I'm nearly thirty.. lonely, and want to meet someone I can share my life with, and not just sex. I've recently met an amazing woman who I have stuff in common with (I'm into art, music, drama and stuff), who has all the things I wanted in my last gf in her personality, and I think we could be good together as friends. Problem is, she doesn't fit my stupid, hard-coded physical requirements. She is not thin and doesn't have long legs slim legs. I don't know if there would be any sexual chemistry, and I wouldn't fantasise about her (with my last gf, I would constantly fantasise about being with her, even before we first has sex).

Then I see the tall blonde girl in the miniskirt and get turned on instantly, but I realise she wouldn't be a good friend, or a soul-mate.

I just want to know if it's possible for me to change my hard-coded physical desires? I don't want the super-hot chick in the heels and miniskirt anymore... physically I want her, but emotionally and intellectually she will leave me empty. I want the girl who shares my interests, but generally the girl who shares my interests seems to look and dress quite differently to my sexual objects of desire.

I don't know what the answer is, but all I know is that my life would be a lot easier, and I would have much happier relationships if I wasn't always chasing the blonde in the denim miniskirt and boots...(I think I am obsessed with girls who look like that! maybe I need help).

To make things worse, my last girlfriend, who totally filled my physicaly requirements, wants to give things another try...

I'm confused and getting depressed. Can I change my hard coding?

faceman

I dont you from Adam OP so please take my comments with the pinch of salt as you see fit!

It would appear from me, based on your post alone, that you are seeing women in a similar vain many of us blokes do in our early years. Conquests to show off to our mates. You are basing your decision to date a girl purely on her physical appearance and because you havent stepped beyond that realm, you have no other experience to go on.

Why do you feel that you can only be attracted to this one type of women? Do you get a buzz from them? Do you like to show off the girls to your friends? Do you have many female friends? What are your relationships like with your female friends?

Affable

Sounds like you alreayd know you can. It's just a case of looking to personality more. It's commons sense. Maybe those entenglements didn't work because you didn't respect them enough.

LegacyUser

I have plenty of women friends, and I grew up with a house full of sisters (I'm the only lad) so it's very easy for me to befriend girls and I also have lots of female cousins who I'm very friendly with. I have a lot of time for women in general, and in honesty I often prefer their company to men in terms of friendship and having the craic.

But none of the above has anything to do with base, instinctual sexual urges. It's totally separate. And when it comes to those urges, there are certain things that drive me crazy sexually and I'm very clear on what those things are. I may not like it, but it seems to be beyond my control. Perhaps it's a fetish I have for a certain type of look, I don't know. But it's a purely sexual thing, and it's a totally different way of looking at a lady than the friendly way.

I just would like to bring those two things together, but it doesn't seem to be happening for me.

Sometimes I feel like I would like to have two wives - one who is my best friend, soul mate, share stuff in common with, emotional similarity and have lots of fun with...

Then my second wife would satisfy all my dumb base sexual requirements, which I don't seem to have control over!

It's the only solution I can think of!!

tbh

girls who look like the girls you want, and girls with the personality you want are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Hold out and find a girl who has both.

LegacyUser

tbh, do you think that's possible? I'm just basing my experience on girls I've met, but you could be right...

There are some girls who I would just love to have relationships with though, if only I could get past the whole "not really madly attracted to ya" thing... lol. These less-attractive girls also seem to be way more chilled out, and have less emotional and self-esteem issues... funny isn't it. I find their personalities attractive but that doesn't seem to be enough

Laivasse

In my experience it's entirely possible to change the type of girl you're attracted to. It happened very easily for me. Just stop telling yourself it's hard-coded - it's more of a learned response, and different experiences in future will cause you to learn different things that can overwrite that response.

Growing up I had desires that were quite typical of people who are forcefed the type of images that we are constantly forcefed via the media: I thought skinnier was better. That was before I had much experience with, well, real women. Now skinny women do little for me; I very much like a woman to have big hips, full breasts and even be carrying a few extra pounds. I think it's cute.

Sounds like you've now sought out a woman based solely on her personality. Now, evaluate the things you like about her physically. There should be something there; in my experience there almost always is. Does she have nice calves? Large breasts? A pretty face? Nice smile? Hips you can grab? Nice curves? Good skin?

Obviously if you're with someone who makes you physically sick it's never going to work. However if you progress towards a relationship with someone you never before thought of as your 'ideal', and if the relationship is healthy, you'll soon realise that making her happy makes you happy. Turning her on will turn you on. Your unconscious will start to associate this woman with all your notions of sexiness. You'll enjoy the things you already like about her physique all the more, and you'll start to relish things you never noticed before, stuff that makes her an individual: the way she walks, the shape of her bum which never really caught your eye before, maybe her facial expressions or the way her boobs bounce during sex

Don't think too much about it, anyhow. Focus on how much you enjoy her company, focus on what you like about her body - there has to be a few things - and if it gets to physicality, make sure you're making her (and yourself) happy. The rest should follow. That's how it happened for me.

cantdecide

I think you have yet to experience the joy of meeting someone who doesn't jump out at you instantly who quickly becomes the prettiest girl in the room when you start to speak to hear. It does happen and it's awesome when it does...

sardineta

Move to the southern US - that look is very commonplace there and statistically you'll have a better chance then to find a personality match, also.

clonmel

love_zone wrote: »

I
Sometimes I feel like I would like to have two wives - one who is my best friend, soul mate, share stuff in common with, emotional similarity and have lots of fun with...

Then my second wife would satisfy all my dumb base sexual requirements, which I don't seem to have control over!

It's the only solution I can think of!!

Dont'be silly!!:D

We can't choose who we want love or being attracted by, it just happen!!.
If you like the company of a girl , but don't fancy her it's not your fault.

Zaph

sardineta wrote: »

Move to the southern US - that look is very commonplace there and statistically you'll have a better chance then to find a personality match, also.

sardineta, if you haven't anything sensible to offer the discussion it might be better if you stayed out of it

tbh

love_zone wrote: »

tbh, do you think that's possible? I'm just basing my experience on girls I've met, but you could be right...

I think yes, it's possible, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily going to happen. However, the best answer is the one here:

cantdecide wrote: »

I think you have yet to experience the joy of meeting someone who doesn't jump out at you instantly who quickly becomes the prettiest girl in the room when you start to speak to hear. It does happen and it's awesome when it does...

that does happen, I'm living proof

Oh The Humanity

I think you should aim for the whole package in one girl OP, hard to come by but not impossible.

I wouldn't try to compartmentalise your needs into different women, as in the hot one you lust after and the sound plain one you want as a partner.

That will only lead to pain for the women and for you.

You will find sometimes people who are goodlooking take longer to become 'sound' as life lessons are not as quickly dealt to them and they might grow slower.....but even very good looking people will generally become sounder with experience.

Similarly, people who were plain or nothing special to start with can learn all the hard lessons early and thus be very well rounded personality wise a bit earlier. Then maybe with a bit of work those people will become better looking and just be late bloomers!

These are of course generalisations BUT just mentioned to illustrate that the crossover can and does happen.

It really is lovely and gratifying to meet someone who is humble and sound AND blows your mind physically, I would hold out but be willing to compromise a bit. ie Dont expect perfection but do look for the physical and personality qualities all in one person to some extent.

Nitxteha

I think your problem is that you have not fallen in love with anyone.

Girlfriends or boyfriends are not chosen "a la carte". It just happens, and when you find the right girl and fall in love with her, regardless her looks, she will be the most wonderful girl to you.

Just don't force situations. If that such a nice girl that you have lots in common with, doesn't attract you physically... that means that "you are just not into her". Just be friends with her.

If you really want to change that teenager attitude about barbies (no offence..) try to know the girls better, focus more on their personality and not on that much on their looks.

LegacyUser

Hey
I'm a woman, so maybe my point of view is going to be a bit redundant, but here goes anyway!

I've met guys who I didn't think I was that physically attracted to until I kissed them... Not that I'd be kissing guys I find horrendous, but I just didn't think they were my 'type' until I found out what the physical chemistry was like.

Worth exploring maybe??

S

puglover

love_zone wrote: »

tbh, do you think that's possible? I'm just basing my experience on girls I've met, but you could be right...

There are some girls who I would just love to have relationships with though, if only I could get past the whole "not really madly attracted to ya" thing... lol. These less-attractive girls also seem to be way more chilled out, and have less emotional and self-esteem issues... funny isn't it. I find their personalities attractive but that doesn't seem to be enough

I'm attractive...not in a leggy sort of way, I'm quite short actually :rolleyes: Think more along the lines of Eva Longoria (not a bit modest am I ) Anyways I am also intelligent, well educated, have an interest in the arts etc. I also know lots of similar women, some that even fit your physical requirements. I don't know where you are looking but it's obviously not in the right places!

Stheno

girl pov wrote: »

Hey
I'm a woman, so maybe my point of view is going to be a bit redundant, but here goes anyway!

I've met guys who I didn't think I was that physically attracted to until I kissed them... Not that I'd be kissing guys I find horrendous, but I just didn't think they were my 'type' until I found out what the physical chemistry was like.

Worth exploring maybe??

S

Same here (another woman ) I have one physical type I tend to go for, but it's by no means exclusive, with the right guy it just doesn't matter what the type is

Good luck

The Pontiac

love_zone wrote: »

You might not take my problem seriously, but it's causing me a lot of distress recently and has made me quite depressed at times. I don't know if many people go through this..

Basically, I'm physically *very* attracted to slim girls with long legs, who dress nice, for example cute miniskirts, boots... girly girls I guess you could call them.

The problem is, I don't seem to have much in common with them (in my experience so far). I spent three years in a relationship with a girl I was amazingly physically attracted to, and had great sex, etc. and I kept trying to convince myself that we had things in common. I kept trying to find stuff we could do together to fill in the gaps... but the truth was, we were on totally different planes of existence and had absolutely nothing in common. The chemistry and the spark was unreal, and that can keep a relationship going, even if you have nothing in common I guess...

But I was left feeling empty inside, even after we had the most amazing physical intimacy - we fitted very well together physically.

Fast forward to the present, and I'm nearly thirty.. lonely, and want to meet someone I can share my life with, and not just sex. I've recently met an amazing woman who I have stuff in common with (I'm into art, music, drama and stuff), who has all the things I wanted in my last gf in her personality, and I think we could be good together as friends. Problem is, she doesn't fit my stupid, hard-coded physical requirements. She is not thin and doesn't have long legs slim legs. I don't know if there would be any sexual chemistry, and I wouldn't fantasise about her (with my last gf, I would constantly fantasise about being with her, even before we first has sex).

Then I see the tall blonde girl in the miniskirt and get turned on instantly, but I realise she wouldn't be a good friend, or a soul-mate.

I just want to know if it's possible for me to change my hard-coded physical desires? I don't want the super-hot chick in the heels and miniskirt anymore... physically I want her, but emotionally and intellectually she will leave me empty. I want the girl who shares my interests, but generally the girl who shares my interests seems to look and dress quite differently to my sexual objects of desire.

I don't know what the answer is, but all I know is that my life would be a lot easier, and I would have much happier relationships if I wasn't always chasing the blonde in the denim miniskirt and boots...(I think I am obsessed with girls who look like that! maybe I need help).

To make things worse, my last girlfriend, who totally filled my physicaly requirements, wants to give things another try...

I'm confused and getting depressed. Can I change my hard coding?

Then I see the tall blonde girl in the miniskirt and get turned on instantly, but I realise she wouldn't be a good friend, or a soul-mate.""
How do you know she would'nt be a good friend or soul mate? What are you saying about these girls? To stereotye them just like that is pretty sad. I've no pitty for you what's so ever. You go on about trying to find the right girl, both emotionally and intellectually with a mutal attraction, join the club. Grow up, everybody has had this problem at some stage in their lives.

LegacyUser

Go for women in their early 20s, more likely to be physically what you want and the ones who share your interests more likely to be single.

Its also somewhat likely you're writing off the hot women as bimbos, but in reality if you get to knwo them better they could well have a lot of the same interests

Loxosceles

OP, you can't change the type of woman you're attracted to. Don't be unfair to a woman who is genuinely attracted and devoted to you when you only feel chummy feelings for her. Inevitably your physical needs and attractions will make you cheat on her.

You and I have the opposite problem OP. There are a lot more guys who are genuinely attracted to my body type but are too embarrassed by what they would suffer from their mates. I've already got a marriage destroyed by in-laws who humiliated my husband to leave me because of my size, which is not nearly as big as some. And worse, I was 6 months pregnant with our child at the time.

I don't need someone to be wearing 'Shallow Hal' morality specs to date me either; that's just god damn insulting.

OK maybe do yourself a favour and marry the hottie who zoings your noids but won't stimulate your brain. At least if you end up having a steaming love affair with a not-so-hottie who turns on your brain, the hottie will be psycho enough to take all your stuff and the chihuahua too, and then you'll see if the homely girl actually loves you when you have nothing.

lox.

Wibbs

zudo wrote: »

Then I see the tall blonde girl in the miniskirt and get turned on instantly, but I realise she wouldn't be a good friend, or a soul-mate.""
How do you know she would'nt be a good friend or soul mate? What are you saying about these girls? To stereotye them just like that is pretty sad. I've no pitty for you what's so ever. You go on about trying to find the right girl, both emotionally and intellectually with a mutal attraction, join the club. Grow up, everybody has had this problem at some stage in their lives.

Exactly. What you find attractive and the world finds attractive and who is a good woman and person are not mutually exclusive things. It's not an either or choice or situation. Bad matches come in all shapes and sizes and so do good choices.

The Pontiac

I'm seriously struggling to find the whole objective to this argument. OP goes on about finding tall girls in mini skirts attractive. Most fellas do. What is his problem? But after sex he was left feeling empty inside, and then he goes on and on about that they were not his type of girls blah,blah. Get a grip man, everyone needs to find the right girl, not just you. This is just pathetic and sad

Affable

tbh wrote: »

girls who look like the girls you want, and girls with the personality you want are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Hold out and find a girl who has both.

I find it a bit odd personally that some guys have a prescriptive type. Don't want to be too superior about it but it's almost dehumanising. I think it's more healthy to just figure out how people strike you.

The Pontiac

Wibbs wrote: »

Exactly. What you find attractive and the world finds attractive and who is a good woman and person are not mutually exclusive things. It's not an either or choice or situation. Bad matches come in all shapes and sizes and so do good choices.

Well said Wibbs.

Snowie

what do you want, a girl who's talks about celeb's and your interest's afluently (really hard word to spell!) Or do you want a woman just as attractive mentelly, but not phiscially pleaseing....

Your want's and needs...

you want a hot girlfriend
you need a companion, small and tubby women are just as atractive as some skinny blonde but there attraction might come from a mentle attraction, Your so hung up on your guide lines that your probably missing her attraction, because all women can generate attraction....

Do you want to be fullfilled in life or do you want to be borad and have sex thats good but you could go with this other girl and she could quite possibly light every fire in your book serously dude dont dissmiss a girl just because of her apearence....

antiskeptic

love_zone wrote: »

You might not take my problem seriously, but it's causing me a lot of distress recently and has made me quite depressed at times. I don't know if many people go through this..

I haven't scanned the replies but I'm sure many do.

I faced into something like this same problem when I got to seriously considering marriage to the woman I'm to shortly marry. How on earth was I going to stop my eyes turning to the class of woman I'd describe as - forgive the crudity - but..****able? How could I be sure that I wasn't going to follow up on that basic desire 3, 5, 10 years into marriage - when she (and I) had thickened round the middle. The girls in skirts surely would prove irresistable then?

It was a constant worry and something that had me seriously considering whether I should break off the engagement - I loved my fiance too much to face the hurt-in-her-eyes that must surely follow.

Until I realised I actually loved my fiance. Not fall-in-love love, the kind that has you giddy. But love to the depths of my soul that has me singing from the rooftops in a way that being in-love can't match. I've realised that the way to avoid the girls in pretty skirts is to stay focused on who my fiance is. Once I do that, the pretty skirts become pretty vacant.


Which brings us to your situation.

There is nothing you can do, I suspect, about the pretty girls being ****able. That's what's being advertised and that's all you can purchase. The way to have your circuitry rewired then is to have it expanded by actual love. And the way to do that is to focus more closely on the person in front of you. Not the body in front of you. Find out who she is first - and leave her body and the discovery of it to one side, until you find that you've a better reason to go there. It might not be this lady but if you look for that instead of sex there's a reasonable chance you'll find it.

_________________

I've not slept with my fiance. And I can't wait until I do. What I can tell you is that this old purveyor of girls in pretty skirts has found that what it is I can't wait for isn't the sex - but the union between me and her. The pretty skirts still look pretty. But in a vacant, transient kind of way. They don't demand anything like as much of a thought as they used to.

Love's moved me on.

Diddler82

antiskeptic wrote: »

I've not slept with my fiance. And I can't wait until I do. What I can tell you is that this old purveyor of girls in pretty skirts has found that what it is I can't wait for isn't the sex - but the union between me and her. The pretty skirts still look pretty. But in a vacant, transient kind of way. They don't demand anything like as much of a thought as they used to.

My hat is off to you my friend, so unheard of in this day and age and didnt think it was possible anymore.

As for the Topic, I just dont think you have met the girl of your dreams yet. You will in time and just be as open to meeting as many new people as possible that will open doors to different circles of friends etc.

Lastly what I will say though is, dont get ahead of yourself, if you meet someone you like, play it clever dont jump with two feet, love is great thing, lust is not!!

petethebrick

I think you have a stereotype of slim, leggy attrtractive girls built up in your head - im sure you will meet one who you're compatible with eventually.

Relationships don't work if there isn't big physical attraction (in my experience anyway) - so don't start dating someone you're not attracted to just because she has a good personality and you have things in common etc