Tortured by past incident

LegacyUser

Its kind of hard to give many details. Basically, I screwed up with an inlaw (got overheard saying how I isolated I felt from the family and how they hadnt seem interested in meeting my family) , have tried to make amends big time and said person doesnt want to know. My husband was brilliant when I told him, never blamed me for anything even though I was in the wrong myself and met up with said person.

Why I feel tortured is that I have had a fairly tough hand in life, from very young - siblings dead from accidents and cancer, my mother turned to drink to cope and my father buried himself in work. I was bullied in school about my siblings and my weight. I became bullimic after that and nearly died from heart problems. The one relationship I had back then was controlling and became abusive.

Somehow, I got my health back,got away from the relationship,finished college and did really well, have a fairly ok job now and am very, very happily married to a gorgeous younger man. But emotionally, I am scarred and wary with people generally. I come across as warm and do have friends but am so careful because while I have tried to deal with my past (counselling, therapy, I have done it), my heart literally feels battered. My husband is probably the only person who has seen how fragile I can be (even now, I have nightmares,night terrors) and he still wanted to marry me.

I was hoping that my husbands family would become my family, if you know what I mean, and I stupidly put too much emphasis on this happening, in my own head. They kind of dont really mix with each other (so I know its not personal to me) and it kind of came to a head, not long after I married and then this incident happened. My husband said a little of my past to this person, to explain why I would have felt this way but said person didnt want to know.

Ever since, none of them contact me. I have descended into a sort of an abyss of torture ever since. I know my past would exagerate everything, its just I feel I have really messed up, I am genuinely sorry and its too late.

Sorry, I know Im not making much sense.

useful_contacts

Unregistered wrote: »

Its kind of hard to give many details. Basically, I screwed up with an inlaw (got overheard saying how I isolated I felt from the family and how they hadnt seem interested in meeting my family) , have tried to make amends big time and said person doesnt want to know. My husband was brilliant when I told him, never blamed me for anything even though I was in the wrong myself and met up with said person.

Why I feel tortured is that I have had a fairly tough hand in life, from very young - siblings dead from accidents and cancer, my mother turned to drink to cope and my father buried himself in work. I was bullied in school about my siblings and my weight. I became bullimic after that and nearly died from heart problems. The one relationship I had back then was controlling and became abusive.

Somehow, I got my health back,got away from the relationship,finished college and did really well, have a fairly ok job now and am very, very happily married to a gorgeous younger man. But emotionally, I am scarred and wary with people generally. I come across as warm and do have friends but am so careful because while I have tried to deal with my past (counselling, therapy, I have done it), my heart literally feels battered. My husband is probably the only person who has seen how fragile I can be (even now, I have nightmares,night terrors) and he still wanted to marry me.

I was hoping that my husbands family would become my family, if you know what I mean, and I stupidly put too much emphasis on this happening, in my own head. They kind of dont really mix with each other (so I know its not personal to me) and it kind of came to a head, not long after I married and then this incident happened. My husband said a little of my past to this person, to explain why I would have felt this way but said person didnt want to know.

Ever since, none of them contact me. I have descended into a sort of an abyss of torture ever since. I know my past would exagerate everything, its just I feel I have really messed up, I am genuinely sorry and its too late.

Sorry, I know Im not making much sense.

well you have apoligised and tried to explain yourself , and the person has just ignored it... is that really the kind of selfish grudge-holding person you want to know?

Seen as your husband doesnt talk to that relative much its not going to affect your relationship with him, so id just leave it if was me. hes your family now

Dizzyblonde

You've been through enough in life without agonising over this. You made a mistake, you tried to make amends, and if that's not good enough for this person then I say leave it go.
There will alwyas be someone who doesn't like us, and that's ok. Don't waste time and effort trying to prove that you're worthy of their affection, it really doesn't matter.
It sounds as though you have a very happy marriage and a lovely husband, so count your blessings and not your crosses

Oh The Humanity

I've been in the wars myself OP so I can identify.

Its crushing when you are dissapporoved of, especially if you have been through alot. I can identify with the sense of every small mistake seeming to be magnified into a huge catastrophic error.

You sound like a person who is somewhat perfectionistic when it comes to assessing your own behaviour, you are really being very, very self critical on yourself. Ok, you made a small error (take it from an objective observer) in trying too hard to fit in, but the fault is not all on your side, as you said, these Inlaws are cool with everyone and not just you.

Sometimes the more you seek approval from people, the more they will reject you. You must not obssess on this and dissect it over and over and replay it in your head. You have to let go now and accept this.

You have your gorgeous husband, you are lucky but you also deserve him. Dont allow the coolness of your Inlaws to affect your relationship.

Many people have cool or even hostile relationships with their Inlaws, I understand your original family was destroyed cruelly and believe me I truly can identify. But your plan to become part of them as a new family is not going to happen. Let go of that idea, at the moment it is enslaving you rather than freeing you.

Work hard on the existing friendships, relationships and aquaintences you have. Try not to take rejection too much to heart, it is so much part of daily life. If you look at popular, well adjusted people you will see that they too are rejected, the difference between them and the lonely person is that they get up and try and try again. Without beng pushy be happy and accept how things are.

I wish you well.

HarryD

The said person needs to get over it in my opinion.
What you said was not a major insult, and you've apologised.
This would be enough for any reasonable person.
Wouldn't be enough for you ..

Craft25

Wow.. you have hit the jackpot to find someone you are so close to in your spouse.. alot of people mess that one up!!

now instead of trying to find the family you never had in his family, just let it go & create your own family by finding really good friends who you can surround yourself with

nodody's family is like the Waltons

cantdecide

Both of my parents came from large families and I'm amazed that one side is close, warm and engaging and always take an interest in each others lives. All of my aunts and uncles know all about the lives of the nieces, nephews and grandkids etc. The other side is different. I have actually passed people in teh street and wondered 'sh*te- was that Jane? Haven't seen her in years so I'm not sure'...

There have been bust-ups and inevitably, they always get sorted. If they don't, they don't. If you've been open to forgetting and moving on and they haven't- you can do no more. It's out of your hands and if this manner of minor spat is enough for them to leave you out in the cold (with your dream guy, btw) then to hell with them. You have done a lot less than is forgiven and forgotten about day in, day out in life.

In a nutshell, it wasn't that bad a thing so forgive yourself and move on. If they are going to be nobs about it, feck 'em.

Lizzykins

The point you made that you thought your inlaws family would become your family too struck me.
I thought that would happen too for me but my inlaws have zero interest in me or mine. I got over the hurt a long time ago. Now I only bother with them when it suits me. Best thing is to move on. You have a great husband from the sounds of it and you've overcome serious difficulties so well. I take my hat off to you courage.
Best of luck.

Redpunto

Maybe give it one more shot - write a letter saying how sorry you are and how youd like to have a relationship with them and how much it would mean to you.

If after that they are still acting like ejjitts then forget about it and concentrate on yourself and your OH.

In-laws are (usually) never easy to get on with at the best of times, in my experience cause mostly upset and heartache so dont be cutting yourself up about it.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

p, I am genuinely sorry and its too late.

Sorry, I know Im not making much sense.

Have you ever considered talking to a professional?
Seems to me that you're head is a bit melted and getting someone to help you get things in perspective might not be a bad thing.