Morally incorrect?? :(

LegacyUser

i'm a guy who has been seeing two girls casually for the last few months. one lives down the country and the other up here in dublin.. i see each girl about once every 1-2 weeks, usually that consists of a drink out or maybe a dvd and wine.. both are incredibly fun to be with and each offers something to me that the other can't. i really feel i like them equally, physically it's serious with both girls.
i don't want a serious relationship (girlfriend) and i think both girls have sensed this to some extent....
in short, am i being a pr$ck?? does this sound like something thats more than casual? i ran the situation past a housemate earlier (female) who believes i need to finish it with one of them, as what i'm doing is by no means casual.. i dont want to be a boll$x to either girl, (which i'm already being??) whats the right thing to do?? help!

Silverfish

As long as both of them are aware its casual and they are not your girlfriend, I don't see an issue.

Joey the lips

The problem you have is you risk loosing them both if they find out. Its a classic film line. You'd get a role on eastenders

But if you think they both know and are avoiding the subject why the hell not continue.

I dont want to sound old fashioned but how are you ment to love one if you dont give the relationship a chance????

RHunce

Unregistered wrote: »

i'm a guy who has been seeing two girls casually for the last few months

ok so far i see nothing wrong

Unregistered wrote: »

one lives down the country and the other up here in dublin..

i still fail to see the problem

Unregistered wrote: »

both are incredibly fun to be with and each offers something to me that the other can't. i really feel i like them equally, physically it's serious with both girls.

every mans dream

keep up the good work!

as long as its clear to both parties and no harm is being done its all kool and the gang

t-ha

It's called polygamy - it's awesome and widely practiced throughout much of the world.

If you start falling for one of them you'll probably want to change yourself, but if you're just having a good time with both I don't see the harm.

ellie1

I think its okay as long as both girls are aware that you are seeing another person. And you are not being a pxxxk as i am sure you dont have a problem with both girls seeing other people.
make sure your wearing willy wrapper!

LegacyUser

I was one of these women (not yours but exact same situation!).

Suspected there was another but as we were casual and I wasn't ready for anything heavy it went along fine - for years! I finally got to stage where I wanted more and what happened? Your can't deny a diamond ring and honey it wasn't on my finger. I was left devastated but not surprised.

Take it from me, it might be many a mans dream but his face when I "dumped" him should be on a public service announcement for why Menage-a-trois just don't work.

Make a decision and stick to it - now

Jimmy Bottlehead

Unregistered wrote: »

I was one of these women (not yours but exact same situation!).

Suspected there was another but as we were casual and I wasn't ready for anything heavy it went along fine - for years! I finally got to stage where I wanted more and what happened? Your can't deny a diamond ring and honey it wasn't on my finger. I was left devastated but not surprised.

Take it from me, it might be many a mans dream but his face when I "dumped" him should be on a public service announcement for why Menage-a-trois just don't work.

Make a decision and stick to it - now

Bitter much? If he gave a diamond ring to the other girl, I doubt you could've dumped him much :rolleyes:

OP, if both girls are aware that its open and casual, then fire away. You have to realise that they may be getting some extra lovin' from another guy, but if you're ok with that then enjoy both having your cake and eating it heartily

Salome

If both girls know you're seeing other girls, then I don't see what the problem is.

But when you start to feel more for one over the other, then end it with the one you don't feel as much for.

LegacyUser

op here. thanks for reading and replying. i'm going to make it clearer to each party that it's casual, and more importantly that's all i really want right now and for the foreseeable future.. i guess i need to be certain they understand this so no-ones feelings are at risk.
through different conversations i've had with both girls they know that my last serious relationship ended with a not-so-nice breakup. i'm basically exercising caution in getting serious with someone again, naturally.
there both crackers and i'm in a very happy place with both of these ladies right now.. if it comes to the stage where i'm really falling for one of them i'll take appropriate action!! thanks for the help and good night..

thekinks

kudos. just dont be a liar, man!

banshee_bones

you didnt really answer the question posed by most posters though?

Are both girls actually aware that there is another girl? because im thinking if you sat them down and out right told them "so yeah ..um theres another girl" they wouldnt be taking it so well. Or perhaps thats just me? and im being old fashioned here?

At least you are being upfront about what you want, i guess thats something.

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

op here. thanks for reading and replying. i'm going to make it clearer to each party that it's casual, and more importantly that's all i really want right now and for the foreseeable future.. i guess i need to be certain they understand this so no-ones feelings are at risk.
through different conversations i've had with both girls they know that my last serious relationship ended with a not-so-nice breakup. i'm basically exercising caution in getting serious with someone again, naturally.
there both crackers and i'm in a very happy place with both of these ladies right now.. if it comes to the stage where i'm really falling for one of them i'll take appropriate action!! thanks for the help and good night..

As long as both girls know that you're seeing someone else, and they're both ok with the casual nature of these relationships, then there's no issue. If you've not told one or both girls, then that's unfair, whether or not you've implied you don't want anything serious.
And obviously as others have said, if you start to fall for one more than the other, it's time to choose.

lconmara

Sorry but I think you know you are being unfair and thats why you posted here. You want all the jack the lads to write how great you are so you can have your cake and eat it.

Pick one, and stop wasting the others time.

redfacedbear

I think that you need to make clear with each girl that 'casual' means not monogamous to you. I don't think that you necessarily need to tell them that you have 1 specific other on the go - it's not really any of their business if you've already told them that you are not exclusive.

LegacyUser

lconmara wrote: »

You want all the jack the lads to write how great you are so you can have your cake and eat it.

thanks for making that assumption, but i didn't come here for an ego boost.

As of yet, i haven't told either girl that there is another. and i'm not going to either. i doubt that is something anybody wants to hear, even if an open relationship has been established!! as i said already, they both know to some degree that all i want is a casual relationship.. i'm going to do my best to make this clearer to both girls next time i see each of them to avoid any confusion. they're clever ladies so i'm sure they will be able to deduct from that that there may be the possibility of me seeing/hanging out with other girls. but i'm still going to do my best to make it clearer.
also, i'm 99.9% certain that one of the girls hooked up with a guy/guys on a holiday a week or two back. it doesn't bother me and i haven't mentioned it to her at all.

Jimmy Bottlehead

lconmara wrote: »

Sorry but I think you know you are being unfair and thats why you posted here. You want all the jack the lads to write how great you are so you can have your cake and eat it.

Pick one, and stop wasting the others time.

Boohoo, looks like someone wasn't a smart girl when younger and was the girl shot down.

OP, just make it clear to the girls, and your conscience will follow. You're doing nothing wrong, if they're both aware you're not taken.

prinz

You can bet your last euro that one doesn't know about the other. He's a user, OP you're like a child who wants ice cream and fish fingers in the same bowl. Would you ever grow up and mature sometime. My guess is if each knew, he'd be shown the door definitely by one if not by both.

And eh to all the posters who said this is every man's dream? Uhm no it's not. I'm not someone who uses people as commodities for my own gratification.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

As of yet, i haven't told either girl that there is another. and i'm not going to either. i doubt that is something anybody wants to hear, even if an open relationship has been established!! .

I think that answers your question about the morality of the situation. If you cannot look them in the eye and tell them the truth then you're acting in a morally dubious manner. You know it. I got past that stage when I was about 2 years old. Maybe you're a slow developer.

qz

Thread striking a nerve prinz?

As long as the girls know you don't want anything serious, I really don't see what the problem is.

Casual relations = open to see other people imo.

prinz

qz wrote: »

Thread striking a nerve prinz?

As long as the girls know you don't want anything serious, I really don't see what the problem is.

Casual relations = open to see other people imo.

No. He asked how it was morally speaking. And morally speaking if he doesn't feel comfortable discussing this with them, he obviously realises that it's not something they (a) want to hear or (b) will put up with, then he knows deep down what he's doing is wrong. Basically he wants to keep two on the go and not have them find out about each other. If all three are that open and casual etc etc, then why can he not bring himself to mention one to the other?

biko

prinz wrote: »

You can bet your last euro that one doesn't know about the other. He's a user, OP you're like a child who wants ice cream and fish fingers in the same bowl. Would you ever grow up and mature sometime. My guess is if each knew, he'd be shown the door definitely by one if not by both.

And eh to all the posters who said this is every man's dream? Uhm no it's not. I'm not someone who uses people as commodities for my own gratification.

I agree. It's clear now the OP hasn't told the girls about each other, just that he's "not ready for a gf", and why would he when he can have his cake and eat it too?
OP, I think you should tell each girl there is another you're seeing - if both says "fine", that's grand, then by all means continue
Although I suspect they may be wanting more soon and then the crap will hit the fan somehow.

VeryBerry

Unregistered wrote: »

As of yet, i haven't told either girl that there is another. and i'm not going to either.

Do you mind me asking why? I'm just wondering if on some level you're worried that straight out telling either girl about the other might upset the situation?

Unregistered wrote: »

i'm going to do my best to make this clearer to both girls next time i see each of them to avoid any confusion. they're clever ladies so i'm sure they will be able to deduct from that that there may be the possibility of me seeing/hanging out with other girls.

IMO, I think the best way to avoid any confusion is be brutally honest and straight forward and say to each girl that your idea of a casual relationship = seeing other people. As clever as people may be, you just never really know what these girls are thinking. I wouldn't leave any room for assumptions or ambiguity. I just think it's fairer to everyone in the long-run.

mack81

THREESOME :pac::pac:

star-pants

VeryBerry wrote: »

Do you mind me asking why? I'm just wondering if on some level you're worried that straight out telling either girl about the other might upset the situation?

I agree here, if you've no issue with dating both and keeping things open, then why have an issue with telling them that you're not exclusive?

VeryBerry wrote: »

IMO, I think the best way to avoid any confusion is be brutally honest and straight forward and say to each girl that your idea of a casual relationship = seeing other people. As clever as people may be, you just never really know what these girls are thinking. I wouldn't leave any room for assumptions or ambiguity. I just think it's fairer to everyone in the long-run.

+1 be honest and let them choose, otherwise if one finds out about th eother and they flip because you didn't make it clear it's just going to come back on you.

Zaph

mack81 wrote: »

THREESOME :pac::pac:

mack81, you may wish to have a read of the charter and what it has to say about unhelpful posts before you post in PI again.

mack81

Zaph wrote: »

mack81, you may wish to have a read of the charter and what it has to say about unhelpful posts before you post in PI again.

My Apologies.

humanji

Morally speaking, you're doing nothing wrong if it doesn't bother your own morals. Other people (and I'd admit to being one of them) think it's wrong to not tell both girls about the other. But if you don't have a problem with it, keep going at it. To be honest, I can see it all ending in tears, but I'm negative like that.

You just have to make sure each of the girls know it's casual. It's quite possible that either or both are assuming it's a full blown relationship or soon will be, and are just agreeing with you for the sake of it.

Just make sure you're well protected during sex. You're seeing two girls and they each might be seeing two guys etc etc, so keep safe.

LegacyUser

op here. thanks for the additional responses and thoughts. i know what iv'e got to do, and how clear i need to make things with the girls in question, so thanks for the closure and i'm going to get on with the task at hand.
- on a side note, some peoples responses in on this thread, and in p.i. in general, are clearly from baggage-laden individuals... maybe they shouldn't be giving out advice when it is emotionally charged!

Zaph

Unregistered wrote: »

- on a side note, some peoples responses in on this thread, and in p.i. in general, are clearly from baggage-laden individuals... maybe they shouldn't be giving out advice when it is emotionally charged!

The whole point of PI is that people generally do give advice based on their own experiences, how else can they give advice? There's no compulsion on an OP to accept all, or indeed any, of the advice given. However, even if in a thread of 100 replies there's just 1 post that resonates with the OP then it was worth them asking the question, regardless of how emotionally charged that, or any other replies may be. If we were to stop people giving advice because they're too emotionally attached to the subject, then maybe we should stop people asking for such advice on the same grounds?

prinz

humanji wrote: »

Morally speaking, you're doing nothing wrong if it doesn't bother your own morals.

Didn't the Nazis use that excuse in the Nuremburg Trials?? :rolleyes: That's a baseless philosophy.

To the OP, a 'casual relationship' can be just as monogamous as any other. You're being unfair to both girls unless they 100% understand that you're sleeping with the other. Which they don't as you yourself said because 'nobody wants to know that'. Why not? You asked the question 'Morally incorrect??' my answer Yes it is. That said if both know the full extent of your relationship with the other and are perfectly happy with that - go ahead. It's pretty obvious from your response re the 'baggage' of people who have taken the time to respond to YOUR question that all you were looking for is a slap on the back from the lads.

Kimia

Op you are wrong.

If the girls knew about each other fine. But they don't. And you're not going to tell them.

That says it all.

LegacyUser

OP, how do you know that the girls involved aren't also being physical with other guys? How do you think you would feel being used like that, not to mention the health risks you are risking both yourself and them.

stop being greedy and be a man, one or both has to go.