Thinking about ending my life and wish to god things were different

LegacyUser

Im going unreg for this for obvious reasons. I`ll say this much, Im 25, female and although my life had pretty much played out like a soap opera this far and Ive had some pretty low moments, this is the closest I have ever felt to actually ending my life.
I`ll keep this as brief as possible. Nearly two months ago I had an operation on both my eyes to put two glands behind my eyes that had prolapsed back into place. I initially thought they were only going to do the right eye and only found out when I went into hospital that they were going to both. Everything in me wanted to cancel the operation but I went ahead with it and put my trust in the doctors to get it right. Wost mistake I ever made.
I knew that I would be left with a scar in the crease of each eyelid but I was more or less ok with that. Unfortunatly, whatever happened in that operating room, the doctor ended up pushing back all the natural "padding "or fat around my left eye which means that it now looks hollow compared to the other one which had healed just fine. If you can get a mental picture of this: one eye now looks visibly different from the other and they no longer look symetrical. Its not something that would leap out at you walking down the street but it is noticable when you look closely. I feel so angry that they could have done this to me. Not only is my self-confidence completly destroyed but I have been in constant pain with that eye ever since and ironically its the left eye that had hardly given me any bother before the op that is now the source of all of this trouble.
The doctors are not taking this seriously and I am now fighting to get my medical notes to find out exactly how they botched the procedure with my left eye.
Up until this I was a different person entirely. I had goals, energy and drive. Now everytime I look in the mirror I feel ugly, freakish and unnatural. I was always told I had really striking eyes and one of the only features that I liked about myself has been destroyed. I only leave my flat to go to and from work and have seperated myself from my freinds and social scene because I cant bare to be looked at. The only possible solution now would be cosmetic surgery involving fat grafting which will cost thousands of euro that I cant afford.
My life has been ruined by this. I cannot look in the mirror without hating myself for allowing this to go ahead. I was better off before the operation, and if I could do one thing now it would be to turn the clock back and never go through with the damn thing.
I struggle through each day now. I cannot feel attractive no matter how many hours I spent on my clothes or make-up. I just remember how I used to look and how I look now and hate myself intensly. Most days I want to die. I know I will never feel happy or confident in myself again and cannot go on like this. I cant feel even the tiniest enthuisasm for the things I used to enjoy, poetry, politics, music, travel,anything. If I could I would shut myself in my flat and never face the world again.
I dont know how much longer I can go on like this. I have Xanax at the moment that I asked the doctor for because I was taking panic attacks and not sleeping from the stress of it all (the first time in my life I have ever asked for medication for stress) and visualise taking every single one of them and washing it down with a bottle of wine. I try and try to pull myself out of these thoughts but I cant. I have started looking at different types of coffin and making arrangments for my funeral. I have thought about the notes I want to leave before I go. I am no longer any use to anyone and cannot face the thoughts of living out the rest of my life in misery, looking at all the attractive women around me and feeling like a freak beside them. I guess I just dont know what to do from here. I just want to be the way I was again but that cant happen. Im within a hairs breath of doing this now and Im scaring myself. I even try to tell myself there`s good sides to dying because I`ll get to meet up with all the people who have passed before me etc but more than anything I mourn for the normal life I had until two months ago.
Maybe Im looking for suggestions or maybe I just needed to release some of this. All I know is I really dont feel like I can go on.

Nevyn

http://www.samaritans.org/

1850 60 90 90

Please talk to a professional who can help you.