Tired of messing up

LegacyUser

Hi,

This is the first time i've done anything like this so i apologise in advance if this is a bit disjointed and rambling. In a nutshell, I keep messing up and bringing misery on myself.

Basically since i left school (which was in 2000) i have made a lot of things very difficult for myself and i though as i got older i might be able to sort it out better. Here are a few examples. AFter i left school i went to study Business in one of the main universities in the country (which was/is also my home town), it was fine, stuck with it for a year, and then left for dublin. I had convinced myself the grass was always greener on the other side. it invariably wasn't, and to leave, was one of the first big, bad decisions in my life.

while dublin wasnt all bad, i found it hard to make friends (although im much better at that these days) and was home most weekends. after leaving college in 2005, i had the chance to go away for a year travelling but i for some reason, opted to head on straight into more exams for a career in law. four years on and im only now getting the wheels in motion on that front.

i guess what im saying is, ive made a lot of bad decsions in my life. maybe i havent thought things through or what, but it's something i seriously need to eradicate. this point is clear especially when it comes to women.

i've always underperformed with girls. thats not to say ive done nothing, quite the opposite, i have lots of female friends and have hooked up with quite a few over the years. thing is, im good the initial stuff with girls (getting to know them a bit, flirting, making them laugh etc) but after that im hopeless. ive only been on one "proper" date and i completely blew that by essentially ditching the girl. this point has come more clear recently after i got to know a really nice girl pretty well and then when she went to kiss me, i backed off. i cant explain it. i get a lot of stick from my friends about this but it's the way i seem to be.

it's really starting to piss me off and i find myself hating myself for it. i have lots of friends, a good family life and am making inroads in my career despite the country's state. i have been told quite a few times im a smart,nice, charming, funny, good looking guy, yet i stilll mess stuff up for my self quite a lot. i can be extremely moody with people and be a bit short with people sometimes. i dont know if any of this is tied in with some sort of inherent self confidence problem. i dont know if thats true cos i certainly would not classify myself as a shy person. i know im rambling a bit now. i just had to get this off my chest, as its driving me crazy. my life could have been so much better had i thought things through more. ive never really spoken to any friends at length about this. my mother knows how i feel, but only recently, as i had a big interview in dublin which i cancelled after a spur of the moment decison in fear i wouldnt get it. (i know, an absolutely absurd thing to do). my mother thinks i could possibly be depressed and i only discovered recently there is a history of the disease in the family. i've been told i overthink things a lot (which is probably clear to anyone reading this), btuive really had enough of stopping and starting through life. a lot of my friends are starting to settle down and get engaged. one of my best mates recently had a child. i still go out at the weekends and have a laugh with the lads.

i suppose, i really want to sort out my woman probalem, or more specifically, me being the problem. the only thing stopping me is my state of mind. i dont know if i want a girlfriend or anything, just to be less of an arsehole with girls. i can think of at least 5 occasions when something with a girl has been stopped before it started because of my bull****.

im tired of being doen all the time.

anyway, im sorry if my points were not clear. perhaps im venting a bit. any thoughts would be great. even those telling to cop the **** on.

thanks guys

Nevyn

Everyone screws up, every one makes mistakes, it's part of the human condition
the trick is to learn from them.

So you want to be a grown up and go on 'proper' dates with women.
What do you consider to be a proper date ?
What type behaviour to you think you should be exhibiting on such a date ?
what is it what you want ?
What are you going to do to make it happen ?

bluecell99

Welcome to the club.Nobody out there who does not make mistakes.You sound like a perfectly normal young guy to me.Just donne keep looking back or over-analysing things.You made decisions - fine.In retrospect some of them might not have been right.Big deal.Its learning and living.

Great that you have a good relationship with the Ma and while not an expert,doesnt sound like depression to me.Far more serious and destructive symptoms if that illness took hold.

Just relax and let things happen in the romantic front.

ScumLord

Any of us could list out all the stupid mistakes we've made throughout our life's and feel like a div. **** happens and will happen you just have to get used to that.

It's hard to ignore all the bad points (especially if your like me and your brain decides to go over all the mistakes you've made just before you drop off to sleep) but you just need to look at it all as valuable life experience.

You seem like a fairly spontaneous person, you maybe move to fast but there's plenty of people that would love to be like that because their sick of doing nothing.

You've just developed a biased view of yourself and your letting that view which is probably blown out of proportion in your own mind, drag you further down that street.

I don't like self help books but I'm reading Derran Browns book trick of the mind (it's not really a self help book) and he goes into all these false perceptions at the back of the book. After teaching you some magic tricks which should help with the ladies. It's a good book in that it's funny and practical and not at all preachy.

beks101

OP, I think you should have a read back on your post and pull out all the things that you HAVE achieved...

So you left a course that you might not have, had you known the grass is not always greener...good lesson to get out of the way early on, some people wait twenty years to get that one under their belt and leave a trail of mistakes in their wake.

So you stuck around around instead of going travelling...to work on a career in law. Hardly reeks of failure OP, and it's never too late to rule out travelling, especially now that you're single.

We all make bad decisions, there's no safeguard against that happening.
Jeez, if I was to list all the bad decisions I'd made in my life I'd put your post to shame, and I'm only 23!
The issue is learning from the mistakes to prevent history repeating itself and putting them where they belong - in the past.

It does sound from your post that you may be self-sabotaging your efforts - not showing up for a big interview, killing potential relationships before they get the chance to develop...getting to the root of this with a counsellor might not be a bad idea, and before you dismiss this idea, I have a family member who works in this area and it's not as uncommon as you think. And can be a huge help.

Best of luck OP, you've a lot going for yourself!

Joey the lips

God bless you your just living you life. I dont see any problem with you your perfectly normal, you just want to meet girls regardless why dont you make friends with a girl, go the pictures etc give it a go but dont make anything more than friends and it will teach you to talk to women.

Mind you if 6 months on you still fancy her and the feeling is mutual why not give it a go.

Good luck and enjoy!

Polleta

It just sounds you you are basically so afraid of failing that you won't put yourself out there... I used to be afraid of failure and talk myself down. Before every interview I ever went for I thought they will see right through me and decide I'm an idiot...

I decided to grow my self confidence after several people said it was my own fear holding me back. Its not an easy thing to do but I did it through hobbies and getting feedback from people(not all good but all constructive) and bascially becoming more self aware in general.


At some stage in our lives we all kick ourselves for running away from someone we actually like. My personal thing is acting like a total idiot in front of guys I actually like even though 5 mins before I realised I liked him I was chatting away and fine. Also if a friend tells me oh he fancies you too I'll instantly be like oh no this feels too playgroundy and I'll run away and then kick myself. Sorry just trying to show you we all act like idiots.
If you really like her I'm sure you will overcome your fears and it will all work out.

Best of luck and try not to put yourself down so often cos you definitely have a lot going for you if you look.