Concern for Siblings Wellbeing

LegacyUser

My younger brother and sister live with my parents abroad and I have another brother living in Ireland. I am the eldest of 4 children and am going to visit the family abroad next week.

My 17 yo sister is in part time study and my 20 yo brother doesn’t do very much all day apart from DJ in the local pubs and clubs the odd time. They are both in a steady relationship for about 2 years with their OHs.

When they left I had been with my OH for about 4 years and the relationship broke down after 10 years about 3 years ago. He was a big part of my family’s life and it ended as he had been sleeping with someone else for the last year of our relationship. When this person contacted me and told me he tried to end his life and ended up in a mental institution for a while. In the last 3 years I’ve worked hard to move past this unhealthy relationship and not let it affect the rest of my life. It was the lowest point in my life and at the time I actually thought it would kill me

I have become aware recently that I see my sibling’s relationships as very unhealthy. My sister made a comment recently that she doesn’t remember what it is like to sleep in her own bed. She spends most night over at her OH place and my brother has his OH over at my parents’ house about most nights.

I want to speak to my parents about this. I feel that they have a duty of care to my siblings to guide them in putting their energies into other things apart from spending all their time with their OHs. I think that they actively foster these relationships to the determent of the emotional health of my siblings and I am very afraid that if the relationships break up, my siblings will not have anything else in their lives. I feel that my parents don’t provide enough guidance, motivation or sense of individuality to these kids. I feel that my parents left Ireland without too much worry for myself and my brother (who lives in Ireland)as we were in steady relationships and that they could pass on ‘responsibility’ for us to our OHs. I know my parents told my OH at the time that he was took look after and take care of me

Do you think that parents have a duty of care to their kids into adulthood to encourage them to have their own lives and their own thoughts and should try to give constructive and meaningful guidance to their kids for the benefit of their long term emotional health if even at the time, what they has to say may not be well received?

All POV are really welcome and thanks for taking the time to read this

Lollipops23

while i'd see "every night" as a bit excessive,especially at such a young age,it's really not your place to say anything. it's up to your parents to raise their kids,not you. Just because you had a dreadful experience it doesn't mean they are having them too. just be there for them when they need you,that's all you can do.

PirateShampoo

Had hard time following your post but what i can make of it is that your relationship failed and now you want to run your brothers and sisters so they dont make the mistakes you made?

If thats so then you have no right, its there mistakes to make and they wont learn unless they make them.

They will probably end up teling you to sod of anyway and end up not liking you.

R.D. aka MR.D

its possible that your experiences are influencing you to make assumptions about their relationships.

every relationship is different as well as ever brother sister relationship so my advice may be no good to you.

but honestly i think you should let them live their own lives. you can say you are concerned about it but don't nag them or demand they break up.

As i said everyone is different and there is no magic formula to make a relationship good or to work.

you might destroy your relationship with your brothers and sisters over something that is really part of growing up.

username123

I think you should let them live their own lives - people have to make their own mistakes (if that is what they are doing) and learn for themselves.

No offence - but its none of your business how your parents raise your siblings.

Plus - the 20 year old is old enough to be making his own decisions. The 17 year old could possibly benefit from better parenting but realistically if your parents are letting a 17 year old daughter spend every night in her partners bed then its unlikely to change because you have a chat with them is it? She will be 18 next birthday and not appreciate being told what to do anyway.

The best you can do is be there for them and talk to them yourself about the importance about having more in their lives than just a relationship.

Redpunto

Seems like youre putting your relationship issues onto your siblings.

You cant tell them what to do - they need to make their own mistakes, just make sure they know you are there for them if they need you.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks everyone for your replies

Just want to clarify a few things. I've no problems with them being in their relationships at all. My sisters OH is a lovely fella and a real gent to her.

It's not them I want to speak to, it's my Mum and Dad. I understand that they are not my kids to raise but some of the decisions that my parents have made in bringing them up make me worry for their future. They were taken out of school at 9 and 12 years of age and neither have had any official education since, apart from my sister and her course. I am not saying the Leaving Cert is required by everyone for every career but I do feel the social aspect of school and the things that it teaches you regarding ambition, motivation and social skills is really important and their lack of experience in this may hold them back for years to come.

Of course, my own personal experience is influencing this thinking but it because I don’t see them very much and I care about them and their happiness. My sister and I are especially close and I had a lot to do with caring for her as a small child. I know how difficult I found it when they left. My whole family disappeared in one swoop and being away from them is still very difficult. We are a close family and when I found myself single after such a long time, I wanted my Dad to give me a hug and tell me it would all be ok but I couldn’t have that. I was dreading last Christmas and it was only because of my flatmate that I didn’t spend the whole 2 weeks in bed drunk or asleep.

But that’s a bit off the point. I want them to be happy. I want them to grow up to be well-rounded, decent, independent people and they both have so much potential to be that. I feel that they are lacking the guidance that they need to do this and are being taught to depend on their OHs for happiness and not being taught how to find this within themselves.

Thanks for reading

Nevyn

You can encourage them, you can set an example, you can listen to them and steer them
but you are not thier parent and you can't make them.

Simply put that is not your place and it could be taken that you are meddling when
you dont' live with them any more.

yellowcurl

Maybe chat casually about it with them, but don't say "I think you should...." because even with the best of intentions sometimes, people can take it the wrong way.

Can i just ask how come they never went back to school at such a young age? Is it not illegal in that country to be out of school?