Should I sleep with him?

LegacyUser · 08-03-2009 8:42pm #1

OK, so I've been seeing a guy for the last 4 months or so. It's complicated - we were close friends, I knew he liked me but I had a boyfriend. Boyfriend dumped me and ended up getting together with the friend not long after. I really, really like this guy. We spent loads of time together, just hanging out, and also things became sexual but we didn't actually have sex. I knew he was leaving to go to America for 12 months, and I didn't want to get too attached. Once he left, we both realised how much we like each other and decided to give it a go at staying together. I'm going over to see him for 2 weeks next month and obviously we both want to have sex, but I'm worried as I won't see him again after for 9-10 months. Am I just being silly? We've basically done everything but sex anyway...

LegacyUser · 08-03-2009 8:56pm

if your not sure, personally i dont think you should. if you want to sleep with someone its not something you need to ask advice for. but sure, see how the 2 weeks go over there and if its something you want to do, go for it. just know that he will be there for another 10 months and could possibly be meeting and sleeping with a number of girls while he is there

*Honey* · 08-03-2009 8:58pm

I would suggest you play it by ear - see how the land lies when you meet up and if it feels right, go for it (with protection of course!!!). If you feel even slightly odd or not ready, don't do it. Be honest with yourself about your feelings on it.

LegacyUser · 08-03-2009 9:39pm

I don't think he has any interest in being with other girls, he really wants a relationship with me. He hasn't had sex in 9-10 months and he said he'll wait as long as I want to. He's not pressuring me at all. I really want to do it, and wouldn't think twice about it if he were here in the same country. But 10 months is a long time and it might not work out. Part of me is concerned about the 'number' of guys I'm with. I know many will find that silly. Another part of me thinks I should just go for it and be with this guy - it's not as if its a one night stand. He was a good friend and we're pretty much a serious couple now, albeit long distance. There's a very good chance of us staying together in the longer term. Why NOT have sex? hmm

Salome · 08-03-2009 10:16pm

He's doing all he can to make it all so comfortable for you - doesn't that speak volumes?

He's going to be back in 10 months.

Go and have fun when you see him. What have you got to lose? The guy is really into you. You might regret it if you don't go for it.

LegacyUser · 08-03-2009 11:25pm

hey.

I suggest doing what the others suggested. Go over and see him and first and foremost have fun. If you've any doubts then don't do anything, if he's as understanding and non-pressurising (is that a word?) he will totally understand.

What you really should look at is how this person makes you feel, are you happy around him, does he make you laugh etc. If yes then 10 months really isn't that long of a time.

Also don't get hung up with the 'number' of guys you've been with. Numbers mean rubbish. I'm 24 - still just a number. I've slept with 5 people - still just a number. there are 64 squares on a chessboard - it's still just a number. Are you worried about maybe how many partners he has had? Not that it should matter, sex is can be about two people who love each other expressing that love, or it can be a spur of the moment thing that means nothing.

upmeath · 09-03-2009 12:44am

You're human, and if you were to go there, do the job and come home you'll either regret it because it wasn't entirely heartfelt, or you'll both have loved it and crave the next installment for 10 months, and either way that's going to eat away at you for quite some time.

Joey the lips · 09-03-2009 7:03am

You yourself capable of making good decisions so as the others say if you go over and the land lies well why not sleep with him. Let him see what you've got so to speak

Have a bit of a laugh.....

Bear in mind though waiting another 10 months you should just treat this as a causual affair. So if you dont mind getting together on a casual basis with him "Why not"

The only thing I would be thinking there is if you can get together so casually he may have more partners before he gets home or he may think you will

So what you do really is decided by how you feel for him and in my opinion I would not start a relationship and make that clear until he comes back.

But if he is the fine looking lad you talk off all this might prove impossible

Best of luck and enjoy the US

LegacyUser · 09-03-2009 7:53am

Bear in mind though waiting another 10 months you should just treat this as a causual affair. So if you dont mind getting together on a casual basis with him "Why not"

The only thing I would be thinking there is if you can get together so casually he may have more partners before he gets home or he may think you will

I don't want a casual thing and it doesn't seem like he does either. He's the one who really wants me to be his girlfriend. At the moment it's not casual at all. He's told me he's in love with me, sent me flowers on Valentines day, we talk for 2-3 hours a day on the phone, he's talking about coming here to be with me when he gets home. If we hadn't been leaving Ireland, we would have become a real couple much sooner. The thing is I know 10 months is a very, very long time. It's hard being in a relationship and never getting to sleep together or even see each other. The intention is definitely there though.

Joey the lips · 09-03-2009 9:16am

shouldI wrote: »

I don't want a casual thing and it doesn't seem like he does either. He's the one who really wants me to be his girlfriend. At the moment it's not casual at all. He's told me he's in love with me, sent me flowers on Valentines day, we talk for 2-3 hours a day on the phone, he's talking about coming here to be with me when he gets home. If we hadn't been leaving Ireland, we would have become a real couple much sooner. The thing is I know 10 months is a very, very long time. It's hard being in a relationship and never getting to sleep together or even see each other. The intention is definitely there though.

Well then really you dont need advice you need someone to condone your actions and I would say you have a very level head just be careful that he wants the same or you will be in personel issues for other reasons

again enjoy.......

LegacyUser · 09-03-2009 8:43pm

have you tried talking to him about it? explain you're concerns to him and if he's as good as you say he is, you'll both come up with a solution that is win win for both of yous.

LegacyUser · 09-03-2009 10:15pm

Yeah but he just says he won't pressure me to do what I feel comfortable doing. Obviously when I see him I'll want to sleep with him (its been hard resisting so far!) so maybe i should just go for it...

shellyboo · 09-03-2009 10:29pm

I'm not really seeing any valid reasons for NOT sleeping with the guy other than 'I won't see him for 10 months'. Which, as a reason, I don't get.

Are you scared that by sleeping with him, you'll become more attached? I don't think that's going to happen... you sound pretty invested already. Just me, but I really don't see why you wouldn't sleep with him!

Sinall · 09-03-2009 10:29pm

You will know deep down, or in your gut, what is right for you.

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

He seems like someone who will respect your decision. And your decision should always be respected!

LegacyUser · 09-03-2009 10:34pm

shouldI wrote: »

Yeah but he just says he won't pressure me to do what I feel comfortable doing. Obviously when I see him I'll want to sleep with him (its been hard resisting so far!) so maybe i should just go for it...

well he sounds like a great guy. i'd be jumping on him if i was in that situation. you see so many men treat women like just arm candy but this guy seems like he really cares about you.

LegacyUser · 09-03-2009 10:40pm

I don't want to sleep with him and then perhaps (hopefully not of course) break up because of the distance. i know it sounds strange.

Sinall · 09-03-2009 10:49pm

You say you guys are close friends, so he will probably know your feelings on this type of thing.

We can't see into the future, so we don't know how the distance issue will affect you. But it does seem like the two of you genuinely care for each other, so your decisions will be based on that and how comfortable you feel with him.

You might not make a decision until you are in the situation and that's fine.....see how you feel, you will know what's right for you.

shellyboo · 09-03-2009 10:53pm

shouldI wrote: »

I don't want to sleep with him and then perhaps (hopefully not of course) break up because of the distance. i know it sounds strange.

Why not?

I know from reading your post here we're coming from very different viewpoints... just can't really fathom your reasoning!!

Nevyn · 09-03-2009 10:56pm

Ever stop to think that not seeing him after wards could be a blessing?
Sometimes trying to have sex with a friend can be awkward and things just don't gel
and if that is the case you have a nice long break after it happens to go back to
being friends.

or if things go well you then have your appetite whetted for the next time.

merlie · 10-03-2009 8:16am

shouldI wrote: »

OK, so I've been seeing a guy for the last 4 months or so. It's complicated - we were close friends, I knew he liked me but I had a boyfriend. Boyfriend dumped me and ended up getting together with the friend not long after. I really, really like this guy. We spent loads of time together, just hanging out, and also things became sexual but we didn't actually have sex. I knew he was leaving to go to America for 12 months, and I didn't want to get too attached. Once he left, we both realised how much we like each other and decided to give it a go at staying together. I'm going over to see him for 2 weeks next month and obviously we both want to have sex, but I'm worried as I won't see him again after for 9-10 months. Am I just being silly? We've basically done everything but sex anyway...

Yikes! Its complicated all right! You do have cause for concern and thats not misplaced. Going over for just one thing with him isnt going to help you figure out where you are both going with this 'relationship'. The fact that he is going to be away for another 9 to 10 months after you see him, isn't going to help your case with him. When you arrive in America, its going to be fabulous and its going to carry you away on a dream cloud and he being there to make this happen and fulfill what has been impending for a while, adds to the dream like quality. Then you come back home and may feel deflated and will be left wondering what the next step will be, if any.

My advice, when you go over, you need to be honest with him, you need to talk with him, dont let being in his company carry you away and you forget what you were planning to tell or ask him. You need a loving, caring and committed partner. Right now, you do not know where you stand in all of this but, what you DO need to do is to talk with him, perhaps before you go to set your mind at ease.

Should I sleep with him?

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