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Confused, single, frustrated.
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08-03-2009 3:43am#1
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woah, deep breaths Mr Single. And step back from the siutation.
You don't sound like a nut job at all.
First of all you mention that you fell pressurised into finding a girlfriend. But do you actually want one? It's okay to be happy with your life as it is, enjoy the sports and activities that you do, meet up with your mates etc etc. It sounds like you have a pretty cool life actually. The point is that if you're only seeking a girlfriend because it's "the done thing", both of you are going to end up unhappy. Trust me on this if nothing else. You're young, so how about dating every now and then just to get the experience and confidence and then whenever you're ready you can start thinking about relationships? 2 unsuccessful online dating experiences in nothing as online daters will tell you! Maybe try again, figure out what works for you, see each one as a learning experience no matter how unsuccessful.
Thanks for your reply
I do feel hugely presurised.. Not so much buy my friends, but buy the fact iof my age, sorta scared if i dont meet some one then i may welll never will or never will have the confidance to im young now id liek to nip this in the bud.
yeah you said it better, i would like a gf like but the girl who i mentioned, she sounds more like a mother then a gf and some what a pain in the ass. Altho she is a really nice person..
Id love to date every so often gain the experence and confidance etc, take things slow I'm in no real hurry. But some of me want's to be and i think that's where my needy tendenceys come from or I just fall in love to quick.... but i see where you coming from...Secondly, although it's good to analyse ourselves once in a while, how are you at going with the flow, sounds like it's a bit hard for you?? Sorry if that's unfair, correct me if I'm wrong. This girl you like who has a child - is it really a case that she can't even meet you for a meal...the picnic thing in March might be a bit optimistic mind you ;-) You mention that "the needy side" of you that wants this girl - but maybe that's what relationships are about - meeting someone and knowing that they're there for you, but also vice-versa. To be honest though I think you are still trying to figure out things in your head, still a bit confused, so maybe you should take some time away from a situation you haven't managed to figure out and take some time to just date and figure it all out.
Well the reason i can't go with the flow is that I suspect that its more a lust then genral interest, if you no what i mean? no the picinic's etc wasa bit optimistic i was just useing them as situations and the kinda thing's we could get up to..but im not saying that i wouldnt date a woman who has a kid/s eather.. It's just I dont feel the connection that maybe she feel's.
You metioned my needyness but i think it's sorta me seteling for something less then i want, is that wrong of me?
Im trying to switch of from the situation as I dont think it's the right one for me presently but part of me feel's let down bye it in away... Because i do like her but i dont like her like that...The truth is that realtionships are not all roses and picnics. The idealised view from the movies just aint true. Not of all us see fireworks every time we meet our other half. So rather than seeking an idealised relationship, when you're ready to find someone, just look for attraction, good conversation and work from there....
Oh i know any sort of realtionship aint easy i know they require work comitment and sacrifce and understanding, thats not something im to worried about as i would work at something if its worth it.
When i see some one worth aproaching on say an online dateing place. I feel underpresure because I know, espechilly on the free ones that they get guys asking for sex etc.. You gotta be some what origanal but not freek them out its not an easy thing to do...
which is one thing i have a lot of problems with. i feel a huge amount of presure, But i feel that its more hope that they will reply which I think puts me under huge preasure...0 -
Thanks for your reply
I do feel hugely presurised.. Not so much buy my friends, but buy the fact iof my age, sorta scared if i dont meet some one then i may welll never will or never will have the confidance to im young now id liek to nip this in the bud. ...
You're young! There is no rush. I have honestly seen too many young, often married, couples split up in their 30's and they all say they should have taken a bit more time in the first place. Better off spending your time figuring out what you like in a girl, what you like in a relationship etc before settling down. Build up your confidence now and it will pay dividends later.yeah you said it better, i would like a gf like but the girl who i mentioned, she sounds more like a mother then a gf and some what a pain in the ass. Altho she is a really nice person.....
It all sounds very complicated - not because she has a child, but because you have all these heart to hearts and uncertainties and analysis. Relationships require work but you need to wonder should it be this complex this early on. If not, move on. That's just my opinion mind, only you can make the decision.Id love to date every so often gain the experence and confidance etc, take things slow I'm in no real hurry. But some of me want's to be and i think that's where my needy tendenceys come from or I just fall in love to quick.... but i see where you coming from... ...
Think about where the neediness comes from. Can you address it in other ways? My mother's friend always says that only you can make yourself happy... and though I dismissed this notion in the past, I finally realise it's true. Nothing wrong with falling in love quickly, nothing wrong with having a big heart, nothing wrong with being a romantic. Just make sure it's for the right reasons, not just to fulfill an insecurity, not just to "settle". Easier said than done I know; I've had times I didn't stick to my own advice ;-)You metioned my needyness but i think it's sorta me seteling for something less then i want, is that wrong of me?
Im trying to switch of from the situation as I dont think it's the right one for me presently but part of me feel's let down bye it in away... Because i do like her but i dont like her like that... ...
That's okay. Don't feel let down, you gave it your very best shot by the sounds of the it. But you're right, if there's no connection, there's no connection. Relationships go awry every single day between people. You are no different. Most of us will date dozens of people before we settle down! Each relationship teaches you new things, you move on. So don't beat yourself up over this.Oh i know any sort of realtionship aint easy i know they require work comitment and sacrifce and understanding, thats not something im to worried about as i would work at something if its worth it. ...
There you have it - when you find the right person, you'll be sorted!When i see some one worth aproaching on say an online dateing place. I feel underpresure because I know, espechilly on the free ones that they get guys asking for sex etc.. You gotta be some what origanal but not freek them out its not an easy thing to do...
which is one thing i have a lot of problems with. i feel a huge amount of presure, But i feel that its more hope that they will reply which I think puts me under huge preasure...
The more you date, the less this will be an issue. Two dates so far and you feel the pressure because it's new. But ten dates down the line (if that's what you want), it'll be a cinch! You'll build your confidence and I know you can start enjoying the dates for what they are, instead of constantly analysing how things will end up. You sound like a really decent thoughtful guy so everything is in your favour!0 -
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You're young! There is no rush. I have honestly seen too many young, often married, couples split up in their 30's and they all say they should have taken a bit more time in the first place. Better off spending your time figuring out what you like in a girl, what you like in a relationship etc before settling down. Build up your confidence now and it will pay dividends later.
Well i kinda know what i like in a girl it's just meeting her and off course the fact that there useually not single but then again that could be braught down to sheer fate.. I'd never marry for the sake of it that's just lets havea life of pure glumness. Im working on building my confidance but it's difficult at time's.... But i see the good in what i do!It all sounds very complicated - not because she has a child, but because you have all these heart to hearts and uncertainties and analysis. Relationships require work but you need to wonder should it be this complex this early on. If not, move on. That's just my opinion mind, only you can make the decision.
I know that how i felt, I didnt think it was right and i was so aprehensive about it. So I aovided the so are we going to meet up questions buy being really random...Think about where the neediness comes from. Can you address it in other ways? My mother's friend always says that only you can make yourself happy... and though I dismissed this notion in the past, I finally realise it's true. Nothing wrong with falling in love quickly, nothing wrong with having a big heart, nothing wrong with being a romantic. Just make sure it's for the right reasons, not just to fulfill an insecurity, not just to "settle". Easier said than done I know; I've had times I didn't stick to my own advice ;-)
Well thats what i try to do and have been encouraged to understand. It's just hard to do that some time's because you can get caught up in the emotion/feeling so easiilly. Yeah I would agree that if i was to settle for an insecurity it would be for the wrong reason's which i dont think i could do, because sooner or later it would dawn on me.That's okay. Don't feel let down, you gave it your very best shot by the sounds of the it. But you're right, if there's no connection, there's no connection. Relationships go awry every single day between people. You are no different. Most of us will date dozens of people before we settle down! Each relationship teaches you new things, you move on. So don't beat yourself up over this.
I didnt really give it a shot because i had a feeling call it intuition that it was'nt right for me. I felt somewhat guilty for it and i dont think that was fare on me.... Yeah I agree love lifes a learning curve so is life in genrall...There you have it - when you find the right person, you'll be sorted!
The more you date, the less this will be an issue. Two dates so far and you feel the pressure because it's new. But ten dates down the line (if that's what you want), it'll be a cinch! You'll build your confidence and I know you can start enjoying the dates for what they are, instead of constantly analysing how things will end up. You sound like a really decent thoughtful guy so everything is in your favour!
I know but again its meeting the right person for me....
thats the problem they where almost 5 to 6 months ago and i tock a brake I dont know how to get back into the swing of things but would really like to... My problem is more how do I aproach a possible person online with out sounding boring you read all these dating books you can buy none of them help because it's all mind wash and out there to change your self in many respects which i desagre with in some ways i agree in bettering your chance's but calling your self a wuss because you have emotions and feeling's isnt good for one self esteam....
Thank's but on a dating site you can't really say oh im a decent thaughtfull guy with bags of honesty because what girls going to beleave that in these day's ? for all they know im a sex preditor acting out and telling lie's so im sort of caught in between a rock and a wall...
but thank you very much that means a lot and thanks for your help 0 -
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