Huge mistake..I broke up..she broke up..I lost her. Read and advice PLEASE!

LegacyUser

Yesterday I broke up with my girlfriend, it's been roughly a 16 month relationship. We made our first year living together last december, and since the very beginning of our relationship that we had all sorts of arguments. However, this sad story has 2 twists, one on my side and one on her side, I'll summarize the story (not heavily as my synthesis skills aren't the best). I apologize for the long post and general lack of english skills, but please keep reading and provide me as much advice as you can, what strategies I can employ to recover our relationship. I miss her so much and it's been less than 24hours... I know I have to build up on my trust issues, lack of confidence, etc, more advice on this would also be appreciated!

I met her on a dating site, we're both non-irish and we lived 2 islands apart. She had just got out of a marriage relationship where she was completely controlled by her ex-husband who was a very jealous lad. She lived a severely limited life which ended up in divorce after 8 years. I met her 4 months after they broke up. However, 1 month after they broke up, one customer of the company she worked for started giving her attention and cumplimenting her to his boss about how such a beautiful and hard-working professional he had. This person got involved with her, but he was married and she was like "second choice", very unwise move on her side - she recognized it and after she started feeling their relationship meant nothing to him other than having some sex, mainly because she wanted more from him, she just ended it up. I ended up meeting her about 5 days after she broke up...on this dating site. It took no longer than a week to have her interested in me and roughly 3 weeks later she took a plane and we met and that was the start of my first solid relationship and first girlfriend, as well.

The first 3 days we spent together, she told me about everything and about this relationship, of which, honestly, I would rather not have known about. She even provided me her email password, which I didn't care about, to be rather honest. What can a man find of interest in a woman email account? However, sometime later, I was told by her, while we were over the phone, to check for a few pictures from her dogs that had been sent to her email which she couldn't access and asked me to send them to another email address. As soon as I log on to her email account on gmail, I was looking for the pictures and forwarded them, but I noticed that she had a contact online on the chat that gmail contains. I decided not to end the session and just wait if there was something coming along. To be honest, I even forgot about the browser open...until a few hours later... and I noticed this guy, who happened to be the "married guy she was a 2nd option for" trying to talk to her. Nothing major in there, but it got me thinking why would she still keep his contact considering she had a huge struggle to get over him. So some days later, I was at work and I had talked to her about 5minutes ago over the phone and she told me "He was here in the office today but we didn't talk." I suddenly felt curious and decided to sneak her email again, however, it just happened that one of our systems at work had gone down and required some physical intervention and I was one of the selected sys. admins to be selected for the task, so I had to leave the office quite immediately, however I left the window of her gmail account open. This was a huge mistake, mainly because I caught them talking, because, for those who don't know, if there are 2 people sharing on gmail account, and one of them is speaking, the second person will see everything live, as if she was speaking himself, the same chat windows appears on both windows and that was when I found out them speaking, and the lines were like

him "Hi"
her "hi"
him "You were very pretty this morning"

and some other things I cannot recall which were re

etc... basically, I don't remember exact wordry to even translate or explain, but to summup, the conversation was misguiding, back when I found it, I wanted to broke up, but at the same time, I didn't wanted. It's my first girlfriend(eventho I didn't tell her she was my first gf) and I loved her so much and believed her excuse, she basically told me that she wanted to convince him that she still loved him and set up a meeting and she purposefully miss it, just to revenge from him. Being myself the kind of person who hates revenges, it still took long to digest the excuse, but I ended up accepting it and she was even considering not continueing with our relationship, because she had already broken a part of it. etc, I promised her not to touch this subject which, I have always done. However, before she moved to my "island", we spent 6 months separated where we'd see each other over the course of 5 days from 2 to 2 months, so we spent most of our freetime over the phone and since that situation happened, that I couldn't control myself. I had a urge desire to be in total control of the situation and for that, I would control who she had on her msn, the chat logs on gmail, the emails on both gmail and hotmail, sometimes going as far as checking her cellphone calls (because I used to know influential people in the communications operator she was signed to). I would control how much time she would take to arrive from office home, I would fall asleep with headset ON and the phone was ON as well, as our cellphone plan we only paid 15cents per each 2 hours. But I didn't realize back then, how bad had her situation been with her husband, but I just couldn't control it, whenever she wasn't online or on the phone with me, I was instantaneously thinking she could be out meeting with this guy. I possibly compressed her to the most, I still am amazed how love makes us so forgiving and so patient, she was a great woman, because after she got out of her marriage she just promised herself not to involve with any jealous person (something we rarely discover during the first 2 months, tho and after that, it's difficult to break up..)

The second one, I was the guilty one, but although it happened quite soon after that one above, I was only caught in December last year, 20 days before we made 1 year living together when I went to Cambridge on training. Basically, I engaged in a sexual conversation with 2 girls, and I even made appointments to meet them, however, for as stupid as this might seem - I don't want you to understand it, because neither me nor her understands it either - it was purely an attempt of sounding macho and trying to get some sort of conviction out. I'm not exactly a macho, nor the kind of guy who cheats (never done, possibly never will but I reckon this is something difficult to avoid and in our nature) but if I was reading that kind of chat from her, I would just feel the same way. After she found out the logs of our conversations, It felt like I had almost stabbed her in the heart, I even felt the knife carving on mine as well, because then I understood how useless I was for making the woman I adore to suffer in this manner just because I wanted to feel a bit more of a man and less of a no-confidence guy. I ended up feeling more of a dork and my confidence went as low as it could go (possibly not as low as it feels at this very moment).

So after we recovered from this one, we had the usual heated discussions over unimportant reasons. She's definitely not an easy going person and both of us tend to farfetch the reasoning, but I could say I am more contained in that respect.

To make the long story short, I have always been a very jealous person since that traumatic experience that I caught over spying her gmail account. It got better since she moved to my island and even better when we came to dublin. She didn't know english very well, but she's managing it quite well, altho she had to use gestures most of the times to speak a full sentence. She got a job in a centra shop not dealing directly with public, eventho she's asked questions about the products from times to times, so no great requirement for high fluency in the language. That said, since she started work that my anxiety and jealousy levels started to augment, eventho when I think of it, like, cold thinking, I don't feel jealous, but when she's speaking about her team mates with whom she speaks all the working day, I feel like she could find something in one of them and drop me for them and I start to get paranoid about it. But on that respect, it hasn't been much of an annoyance, mainly because I started to accept it, but yesterday (and finally we're reaching the point) I had a heated discussion, mainly because she added a guy from our island on to her msn, eventho she had deleted all my female contacts off of my msn before, after I told her that that one person made me feel jealous, because he's good looking and has good conversation skills, something I unfortunately miss. She incisively said she wouldn't remove the contact from her msn and that I should've to deal with it. I Got really mad, was starting to eat a pizza and I couldn't go beyond the first slice of a 12", as whenever I get pissed off, it just affects my stomach and intestines. So I went to the toilets and when I came back I sat next to her with my laptop, she was with hers and I was quiet, non speaking and she told me that our meeting tomorrow with 2 friends was planned already and I didn't reply. I was mad thinking about what just happened, I couldn't accept that she had someone on her msn that was making me feel bad and she still insisted on keeping it. I know I can't and shouldn't control and that our wishes cannot be fulfilled as we want them to, but I just felt that, if she knows that having this contact in her msn is making me feel bad and she still insists on keeping it, then I wonder why we are together and what she really feels about me. So I abruptly started packing my laptop into the bag and cables, went to my table pc, wrote a huge letter on notepad, put up youtube playing the music that marked our relationship and went out of home, rushing and without saying a word. I went to the centra she works for, bought 3 packs of cigarettes and headed back into the office. This was when I realized the mistake I just made, so I called her and she wouldn't take the calls, she first rejected and then she simply didn't take any further calls, which, is obviously very reasonable.


I must say that one of the things I attribute the fault for having made such a stupid move, was that I spent 20 days without smoking (broke the record yesterday) and had 2 weeks of work under pressure which hasn't yet finished and will possibly be even worse the coming weeks given that I am very distracted person and one of things I've never been good at, was being able to concentrate when I just had a heat the day before or the same day. It's been almost 24 hours since I last saw her, I miss her, she doesn't take my calls.

After I got home from the office and saw she was no longer in it, I felt disgraced, couldn't think where she could be because she only has 1 or 2 friends around here. I found her friend's cellphone and called her, she didn't get the calls, so I went to where they had been the day before - burger king - and they weren't there, so I then tried to go to her friend's boyfriend job, look him under the description and try to talk to her friend, where I was actually very sucessful, to some extent. I found him and she told me her girlfriend would come in a few minutes, she just went out to shopping. When she came back, she was alone, I went to talk to her, and told her I made the hugest mistake in my life and that I know she was the closest friend she had in ireland and that I wanted so badly to talk to her and ask her for forgiveness and try to forget about everything that happened, but she kept saying she hadn't seen her that day after they both left work, but she insisted on me coming home, which somehow I had the idea that she telling me subtly that she was well. She also said that if she knew something she would text me and asked me not to call her all the time because her battery was running out, etc. In moments, her boyfriend, came out and brought her 2 purses, which made me think something was wrong, but eventho I didn't wanted to look like I was trying to identify the purses the few times I glimpsed down to check any similarities to the purses my gf used, I couldn't quite tell whether they could be one of them or not. So I just accepted her suggestion and went home, I kept all night awake, trying to reach her mobile which would be on and off from times to times. I called her friend again, but she didn't get the call, I even think I brought problems to her friend and the boyfriend, which I really regret but I couldn't stop trying to reach my gf, which I was never able to talk to.

I tried several times today, dropped several voice mails, text'ed, called - to no avail. So I tried to call her friend again in the morning and she got the call, she told me she was fine and that she had been able to call her yesterday late night and that she was at some friends house (my perception is that she was with her, but that doesn't matter as long as she's not with me, tho). She told me that I should give her space, and I told her that, we (me and my gf's friend) we were both very similar in the way we both act after a discussion. We simply want to talk to the other person right way, however, my gf isn't like that, she prefers not to talk for half-day or until the next day, and her friend just told me the following "Yes, you're right, we are both very similar, but I don't stalk my boyfriend like a maniac" and those words really made me feel even down, made me realize how messy I was with all this. They were quite spot-on, so since I talked to her that I received the receipts from the texts I sent during the night and I haven't called or text'ed her today since she turned on the phone (which, at the moment, I don't even know if she still keeps it on or not) to give her space and not add more pressure over the situation. So for those who followed through this long story, you're brave for continuing and if I could, I would definitely throw some degree in psychology to you. However, I am not feeling very healthy, haven't eat a thing since that slice of pizza yesterday, 2 packs of cigarettes have run over and I am tons of times crying just when I realize the mistake I made and how much I would want to not have woken up that day.

If you could provide me some positive advice to try and take over the situation and recover my girlfriend, please do, I will be eternally grateful. I really need something, I just don't know what else todo. Asked my aunt to call her as she adores my aunt and they've spoken, my aunt told me to slow down, not add any pressures and let time heal the wounds.

Thanks for reading and for commenting, I will appreciate a lot your feedback and help. I really need it.


UPDATE: As I wrote this post this afternoon, she arrived at home just a few minutes before I was going to post it (was just reviewing for spelling mistakes and such, so I saved it and I posted it now. She seems highly determined to break up, she's looking for a second job, a room to divide with someone else. We are both going to sleep in separate rooms, which is quite normal given the circumstances and what's bothering me the most is that she's not tolerating me treating her the way I always treated, i.e "calling her love", my mother just tells me to give her space and time so she can calm down. She says she's going to be my friend and help me with tasks I have not been used to and will be always there for me whenever I'd need someone to talk to or simply to have a coffee with, and so on, but that's not enough, I want my gf back. I want her so badly much

LegacyUser

I'm sorry, I am the author of this topic and I just wanted to add a part that I distracted and not continued. In her chat, there was a part where she basically says they could be very happy if they were only the two of em together... I am just not very clear on what exact words were used on this. Please advice, as much as possible. Thank you so much.

Wibbs

IMHO it sounds like she's in the process of detaching from you. This latest argument could be just the excuse/reasoning she needs to make a break. This kinda thing rarely comes out of the blue. It's been building for a while I would say. The adding of the other guy to her MSN may have been innocent, may not have bee, but it was your reaction that made it more than it was.

I would take your aunts advice

my aunt told me to slow down, not add any pressures and let time heal the wounds

. It's good advice. At the moment, the more you push, the more she will pull away. The friends/her description of you "stalking like a maniac" is not good. If you want any hope then stop trying to contact her. It's obviously freaking her out and reinforcing her decision. So stop. If she's going to come back to you she will. If not, there is little you can do, but continuing to push will just make her run faster and further away.

Back off. Breath. Start eating properly again. Go back off the ciggies. Move on or at least attempt to. Again if she's thinking about going back, that will make her want to go back more. If she's made up her mind that it's over, it helps you to move on faster. Win win situation.

bobbbb

tbh i think your girlfriend should call the police on you. Or you should go get help. You sound like a potentially dangerous person to me.
Leave that girl alone.

Richard

bobbbb wrote: »

tbh i think your girlfriend should call the police on you. Or you should go get help. You sound like a potentially dangerous person to me.
Leave that girl alone.

So a guy pours his heart out, asks for advice and you respond in that insulting way. If you have a view like that, bobbb, it's maybe best kept to yourself.

Wibbs

OK folks, opinions differ and people disagree. Let's leave it at that. Thanks

LegacyUser

Richard wrote: »

So a guy pours his heart out, asks for advice and you respond in that insulting way. If you have a view like that, bobbb, it's maybe best kept to yourself.

Thanks Richard and Wibbs.

As for bobbb's comment, I think he's partly right, but that doesn't help me change, does it? what positive aspect can I filter off from your message?

Altho I understand I should look for some psychic help, I cannot avoid from acting in this way. It's stronger than me. Just today I woke up at 6am and I bursted myself into tears and went to our bedroom (where she slept tonight alone) and I once more asked her to reconsider, she just said "NO, NO RECONSIDERATION AND IF YOU CONTINUE, IT'S POSSIBLY BETTER FOR ME TO MOVE ON TODAY!" then I continued saying things about us and how much I love her and she said "SEE? You're given an opportunity to show some change and you're failing at it." which made me feel even worse. We're now sittiing beside on the couch, as I type this, one next to the other, we speak seldomly, she just downloaded "marley and I" and as soon as she hands me the usb drive we will be watching em both on my laptop. I still haven't eaten a thing, not because I don't want to, but because my throat seems to have a knot in it (it happens whenever I get in such situations). I have a plan for tomorrow, but the worst thing is that I may not go to work, because I just don't feel fine enough to handle my life pressures against my work ones. I fear I may lose the job, but I really can't make it there under these conditions... I only wanted to have her back before tomorrow morning..so I could still go work and think of what are the next steps to balance out my anxieties, my lack of confidence and my general lack of control over jealousy feelings.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

then I continued saying things about us and how much I love her and she said "SEE? You're given an opportunity to show some change and you're failing at it." which made me feel even worse.

Yep and she's right. Why? Because by pushing it what you're actually demonstrating to her, consciously or not is selfishness. It's about what you feel, not what she may feel. You feel yourself losing her and its all about your emotional panic.

She is actually telling you how to act. She may even be telling you how to maybe change her mind, so for gods sake man, listen to her. You have to back off. End of story. If you can't you need to physically remove yourself from her space. Now this is obviously an extreme situation emotionally for you but if you're like this in general, then I would seek out counseling as soon as possible. Your life will not be good if you build on this.