I need help please

LegacyUser

I am having an awful time of it,My son first off,does not accept no for an answer ever,he screams at me and curses at me and fights me all the way about everything.I have very little money and i try so hard but no matter what even punishment putting him in his room over and over again he will just come back out and start again.Screaming at me and saying how mean and how i never let him do anything.For example:Tonight he wanted to call around to other end of our estate to his friend,it was already dark and raining and i said no for them reasons(he is only 11) and he screamed at me for twenty minutes i let him have sleep over last night and they were up late dvd pizza and pop corn and sweets i got them all.My other son is 13 he is cheekie at times but he is very good.I see my relationship deteriating more and more everyday with my youngest i dont know what to do.
On top of that my bf is making it hard for me to he is coming late been angry with me all time and even tho he says sorry ,i feel really un appreaciated by him,he goes to his friends when ever they call.And is always late now
I am right now crying so hard inside and tears in my eyes.
I am very good person i have ofc my faults but i am never mean to anyone i only get upset and angry when i am provoked into it and it takes alot alot alot alot alot to anyway lose my head even then i try to keep it without shouting and roaring.
I dont understand my bf anymore he says he loves me with all his heart.But last week he went out with one of his girl friends dancing.Ok i am ok with that.But he had made plans to be with me and then he was with me for a bit but said i have to go meet her as she is waiting(i am his gf).i have asked him if he fanices her or something.And he tells me no ofc not he loves me and she is just a mate.

for both of these things please any advice at all,
How do i get my son to listen?
How do i tell my bf its upsetting me without sounding jealous.
I have tried but it comes out like i am jealous and dont trust him

wasper

Unregistered wrote: »

I am having an awful time of it,My son first off,does not accept no for an answer ever,he screams at me and curses at me and fights me all the way about everything.I have very little money and i try so hard but no matter what even punishment putting him in his room over and over again he will just come back out and start again.Screaming at me and saying how mean and how i never let him do anything.For example:Tonight he wanted to call around to other end of our estate to his friend,it was already dark and raining and i said no for them reasons(he is only 11) and he screamed at me for twenty minutes i let him have sleep over last night and they were up late dvd pizza and pop corn and sweets i got them all.My other son is 13 he is cheekie at times but he is very good.I see my relationship deteriating more and more everyday with my youngest i dont know what to do.
On top of that my bf is making it hard for me to he is coming late been angry with me all time and even tho he says sorry ,i feel really un appreaciated by him,he goes to his friends when ever they call.And is always late now
I am right now crying so hard inside and tears in my eyes.
I am very good person i have ofc my faults but i am never mean to anyone i only get upset and angry when i am provoked into it and it takes alot alot alot alot alot to anyway lose my head even then i try to keep it without shouting and roaring.
I dont understand my bf anymore he says he loves me with all his heart.But last week he went out with one of his girl friends dancing.Ok i am ok with that.But he had made plans to be with me and then he was with me for a bit but said i have to go meet her as she is waiting(i am his gf).i have asked him if he fanices her or something.And he tells me no ofc not he loves me and she is just a mate.

for both of these things please any advice at all,
How do i get my son to listen?
How do i tell my bf its upsetting me without sounding jealous.
I have tried but it comes out like i am jealous and dont trust him

This situation must really wear you down. Is the Bf the father of your son? Reason is the young one is imitating the behaviour of the BF.
Start being assertive with adult & when he starts respecting you then work with the child.
Why are you ok with BF to be going out with another girl dancing?
The next time your son starts screaming, talk to him calmly all the time & don't lose your rag. Be firm & let him be aware that all that screaming will let to nowhere because you have made up your mind.
I hope it works out for you. PLease let know your progress.

Overheal

Is he hitting puberty? Having your balls drop can make anyone cranky as ****.

That and your boyfriend does not sound like a great role model at all, and only seems to your son to justify giving you crap. Is he having trouble elsewhere? School?

You might get some better responses in the Parenting forum too.

IMO this boyfriend thing could really ne exacerbating the issue, from your son's point of view. Is he the father? Is the father divorced? Were you married, and have you considered a child psychologist?

LegacyUser

wasper wrote: »

This situation must really wear you down. Is the Bf the father of your son? Reason is the young one is imitating the behaviour of the BF.
Start being assertive with adult & when he starts respecting you then work with the child.
Why are you ok with BF to be going out with another girl dancing?
The next time your son starts screaming, talk to him calmly all the time & don't lose your rag. Be firm & let him be aware that all that screaming will let to nowhere because you have made up your mind.
I hope it works out for you. PLease let know your progress.

Hi yeah i am really unhappy right now,I have an up day and then a down day i am normally pretty happy but to a balance.No he is not the father my sons father died 9 years ago.
He doesnt do anything in front of my son or say anything.My son has been like that for a while.But now its got to point i am wanting to give up
But i still keep trying even tho i feel like that.It so hard when your son you adore and love all his life and was such a quiet wonderful sweet baby and toddler growing up,now to turn on you and be so rude its breaking my heart he is such a passionate loving child but he just wont listen to me at all,he thinks he is right about everything and me saying no is an attack,even if i try explain cause i am worried he screams abuse anyway
Thanks for that lovely advice tho and for reading helps alot,i have no one i can talk to about any of it.They dont understand at all and think i am blowing out of proportion.
I will do what you say and thanks again for that xx

I am ok with him going dancing with her cause i dont control him,and i want him to know i trust him.I do say why you want to go and stuff cause it kinda hurts he is spending time with her and i dont even know her at all ,But he just wanted to go out and i couldnt so i didnt make a big fuzz about it anymore.
I dont know how to approach it anymore i have told him it hurts when he does these things he is really sorry he says and that he understands and he would feel the same if i was to go out or spend loads of time with other men.But then he just went out with her anyway and broke our night together

Thanks so much for your kind words it truly helped alot xx

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

Is he hitting puberty? Having your balls drop can make anyone cranky as ****.

That and your boyfriend does not sound like a great role model at all, and only seems to your son to justify giving you crap. Is he having trouble elsewhere? School?

You might get some better responses in the Parenting forum too.

IMO this boyfriend thing could really ne exacerbating the issue, from your son's point of view. Is he the father? Is the father divorced? Were you married, and have you considered a child psychologist?

He is not huge part of their lives right now i dont allow it as we havent been together long enough.He is great with them all the time and never gets angry in front of them.Plus my sons behaviour has been like that before him,its just gotten alot worse.
Can puberty really cause that?
yes i was married he died when he was 2.
I wouldnt even know were to start,i know i am partly responsible for my sons attitude but i dont know what i have done wrong to escalate it to this extreme,I have always been with my sons right up to now,i barely ever go out anywhere without them.
its a complete mess
I would know where to start i have asked my doctor about these things and he has given me no in sight how to go about it.
School i dont know i do watch school alot to see but just seems to be directed all at me and his brother and no one else.

Thanks alot for your reply

Overheal

If its not a problem in school say (you could always ask his teacher) and it is only directed at you and his brother than thats evidence enough of an issue that you need to identify. It would be one thing if he did it with everyone and not just the two closest people he has in his whole life.

LegacyUser

wasper and Over heal thanks so much both of you for your help
It really meant alot

Things are looking a little better with my bf we had a long talk and we are sorting things out there
He is gonna help me with my son and see if he can talk with him better that might help and he may understand easier than i would been a man.I think by talking with yous helped me in more calmily manner say things i needed to say
But i am gonna listen to both your advice about my son.
I will let you know how things are going
Wishing you and all your family the best and happiness to you both

xxx

estar

children arent stupid, and your bf and your unhappiness might be distracting you from what the child needs which is love, support and boundaries. dont enter into discipline over ride without talking to your son. wait until he is calm and talk to him calmly about his behaviour. tell him you love him, praise his good behaviour to the highest heights, and tell him what you require from him clearly and be consistent - ie no shouting, no swearing, and obediance in reasonable circumstances. make sure he knows you care for him and want his happiness and want to know when he is unhappy. tell him the consequences of not following the house rules - no pocket money, no sleep overs. tell him how hard it is financially, and how you are restricted, so that he appreciates that DVDs and popcorn are a treat. enforce the rules strictly. give praise when he is good ie when he comes home and is civil - say - wow its so lovely when you speak to me in a nice way, it makes me happy - you are great son.

try and get him to talk about his feelings.

i have to say i made my mother cry when i was 12 regularly. i was a cruel little beast, it makes me sick to think of it as my mother is so selfless. i told her i hated her. and i got punished. the worse thing they did was ignore me!!! that made me beg for forgiveness within hours. i dont recommend ignoring, but i do recommend calmness and authority.

if your BF isnt on the same wavefront as you - needing to go out on the town, not support you in the house, not help you out, then reconsider his role in your life. you cant seperate your boys from you. he either wants the whole family life package or he doesnt. i dont think it works seperately.

Faith

When I was a child, if my mother told me I couldn't do something and I freaked out, she wouldn't passively desperately try to get me to understand her reasoning. In a quiet, firm but very angry voice, she would say something like "How dare you speak to me like that. You are not going out, and that's that. Now go to your room.". Frankly, that would scare the shít out of me and I quickly learned that what my parents said, went. Tantrums of any type were not tolerated, and my parents certainly would not have explained their decision to me if I was behaving that way.

I feel like a lot of people these days are really keen for their children to feel like they're equals to their parents, and that it's a friendship rather than a parent-child relationship. You are the parent, he is the child. When he misbehaves, treat him like a child. He's not your equal and he shouldn't think he is, IMO. Next time you tell him he can't do something and he throws a tantrum, make it abundantly clear that you will not tolerate that kind of behaviour and just send him to his room. Don't humour or engage him by trying to explain your reasoning - he doesn't need to know it, he just needs to know at that point that his behaviour is not acceptable.

Equally, you said he had a sleep over and you provided all sorts of goodies. Did he appreciate them? Make sure he's not taking you for granted. I always had to thank my parents repeatedly when they bought me something. I still do, in fact. It should be a treat, not a given.

LegacyUser

estar wrote: »

children arent stupid, and your bf and your unhappiness might be distracting you from what the child needs which is love, support and boundaries. dont enter into discipline over ride without talking to your son. wait until he is calm and talk to him calmly about his behaviour. tell him you love him, praise his good behaviour to the highest heights, and tell him what you require from him clearly and be consistent - ie no shouting, no swearing, and obediance in reasonable circumstances. make sure he knows you care for him and want his happiness and want to know when he is unhappy. tell him the consequences of not following the house rules - no pocket money, no sleep overs. tell him how hard it is financially, and how you are restricted, so that he appreciates that DVDs and popcorn are a treat. enforce the rules strictly. give praise when he is good ie when he comes home and is civil - say - wow its so lovely when you speak to me in a nice way, it makes me happy - you are great son.

try and get him to talk about his feelings.

i have to say i made my mother cry when i was 12 regularly. i was a cruel little beast, it makes me sick to think of it as my mother is so selfless. i told her i hated her. and i got punished. the worse thing they did was ignore me!!! that made me beg for forgiveness within hours. i dont recommend ignoring, but i do recommend calmness and authority.

if your BF isnt on the same wavefront as you - needing to go out on the town, not support you in the house, not help you out, then reconsider his role in your life. you cant seperate your boys from you. he either wants the whole family life package or he doesnt. i dont think it works seperately.

Thanks alot for the reply
I have been putting them into practice what all of you have said and i am finding it alot easier to cope with his cheek.
thanks so much again estar.I guess because i had it so easy and i was such a quiet child myself,to then have to try keep discipline with my youngest son is alot harder.
xxx

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

When I was a child, if my mother told me I couldn't do something and I freaked out, she wouldn't passively desperately try to get me to understand her reasoning. In a quiet, firm but very angry voice, she would say something like "How dare you speak to me like that. You are not going out, and that's that. Now go to your room.". Frankly, that would scare the shít out of me and I quickly learned that what my parents said, went. Tantrums of any type were not tolerated, and my parents certainly would not have explained their decision to me if I was behaving that way.

I feel like a lot of people these days are really keen for their children to feel like they're equals to their parents, and that it's a friendship rather than a parent-child relationship. You are the parent, he is the child. When he misbehaves, treat him like a child. He's not your equal and he shouldn't think he is, IMO. Next time you tell him he can't do something and he throws a tantrum, make it abundantly clear that you will not tolerate that kind of behaviour and just send him to his room. Don't humour or engage him by trying to explain your reasoning - he doesn't need to know it, he just needs to know at that point that his behaviour is not acceptable.

Equally, you said he had a sleep over and you provided all sorts of goodies. Did he appreciate them? Make sure he's not taking you for granted. I always had to thank my parents repeatedly when they bought me something. I still do, in fact. It should be a treat, not a given.

Thanks alot faith
Yeah i agree with you on the whole parents trying to be friends thing.I feel he gets alot of it from the fact his friends are given everything and anything they want from their parents.and they tend to use it aswell to say nasty things to my son.also they slag him cause he has no father.Its not an excuse but they also say things like your mother doesnt let you do anything and you have nothing.
Yeah thats just it he really didnt at all appreciate it.I have set four rules now for him.
1:If he curses at me he goes to his room and doesnt come back out.
2:because of his behaviour no sleep overs again till i am sure he appreciates them.
3:When i say no i mean no,if he doesnt take it as no then i will remove his computer priveiges
4:If he is in trouble in school he will also have something of his removed.
Its going to be a struggle but if i can get it back to us been all happy in same house again it will be worth it.
Thanks so much again :)xxx