Need help with girls

Copper23

Hi,
I posted a little while back but I'm not making any progress I wanted to ask more.

Ok, I'm a guy of 24. I think I'm ok looking and stuff, not great but I'm tall and not overweight or anything, try to dress well, have good job, etc.. not confident in looks due to all this though.

I'm just torn to bits because I'm no good with girls. I had one girlfriend over a year ago who I met through friends so it was a fluke, its not something likely to happen again in my circle of friends. I liked her a lot but she cheated then broke up by just stopping talking to me, the mutual friends we had now dont talk to me, the only thing she did say was how horrible and aweful I am and that nobody will ever like me or be friends with me because of it.

I just want to move on. I've only seen her occasionally since maybe in a pub or something. I obviously don't even register in her thoughts anymore but its absolutley tears my heart apart just seeing her, I cant even describe the feeling. I cant help it. I feel like a horrible person but I see her and I just wish she'd stop hating me. I loved the time we were together, it was the only time anyone liked me and I had fun and was happy.

Please don't say I'm not over her, and I don't need to be with anyone else. My problem is I just want to be normal and be able to meet someone. I do wish everything could go back and I was with her but its not going to happen, I know that so the only way I'll stop thinking about it and feeling horrible is to find someone else and just forget about it and enjoy life again.

Its just that its so so long since anyone showed any interest in me I really feel like something is wrong with me.

I read good advice on boards about approaching girls but it doesnt work for me. Girls on nights out are drunk and hyper and have very short attention spans unless you are putting on some show and dance for them. I'm just me. I can't make anyone want to talk to me. I've tried drinking, I don't get messy but its makes me more talkative since I'm quiet but thats no good. I've tried not drinking at all so I look sober and confident compared to the drunk guys but that makes me no fun cos I'm not doing silly stuff to entertain the girls.

There is no way of meeting during the day. It's not like if I stopped a girl I thought was cute in town or in a shop or gym that she'd think anything but that I'm a freak.

I just don't know. It just cuts me up that the girl I was with got with a guy in 5 seconds just cos she was in a bad mood with me one night. Her and all her friends score any night they go out. Its just that... how do they do it? I feel horrible that she has probably met a million guys since me, I haven't met one single girl. Maybe I don't want that but I'd like just to feel like I am normal and somewhat attractive and I won't be alone forever. All my friends get with people every time they go out. But that not happening for me. When I see attractive girls in clubs I just can't approach. I just don't know what to say or what to do. I don't feel good enough whatsoever in any way. I asked family if they thought I could improve my appearance or anything but they just say "oh its fine", its not like you can talk to guy friends about this stuff, you are just supposed to know how to get girls, as a guy.

I'm really down about this. The longer it goes on the worse I feel. I thought even moving to a new town would mean I would start a fresh and feel good and meet someone but now its just so lonely because I can't meet anyone. I go out 2/3 times a week. I can't afford it anymore and its tiring but I do it on the vague hope someone might chat to me and not be drunk and be normal and like me. Hasn't happened. I really need help.

waraf

Ok I don't want to be too hard on you mate cause you've poured your heart out there but firstly in my experience women like a man to be a man so although you probably don't want to hear this, you're gonna have to suck it up and move on. Hit the gym and put on a bit of muscle - I guarantee you it will boost your confidence and the ladies will appreciate it too. Also, if you have trouble talking to women in pubs, do some sort of night course or take up a hobby where you know there will be chicks. Check out nightcourses.com or similar websites for ideas.

LegacyUser

Op, you dont realise how much you sound like me only a year ago when I was 24 myself. I had had one girlfriend in my life who just went off with another guy because I was so insecure. This dented my confidence even more and the fact she found it so easy to just go off and find a million guys after me and I was still stuck on this girl and just never seemed to attract anybody didnt help. I was down for a while but something just hit me one day and I said enough is enough, stop pittying myself and get on with it. I did what the above poster said and joined a gym and went 5/6 times a day...this improved my self confidence ten fold. I also just got far more comfortable around women in everyday life through getting a new job where I had to deal with women day to day. That may sound odd but before that I never really had any interactions with women in my life, all boys school, part time jobs that were male orientated etc.

Now only a year later Im a completely different person, I am confident around women and I currently go out with a stunning girl who in all honesty could have her pick of most men and gets chatted up several times a night, even when Im standing beside her. I have actually had more female attention in the last 8 months or so then I have had in the rest of my life put together and its all because I stopped feeling sorry for myself, got fit and learned how to talk to women like they are people.

You need to just get over this girl and move on. Dont hold any emotional baggage and dont feel bitter towards all women over this because even if you dont think so it will show! If you dont then your problem will just continue to get worse. Good luck OP

Salome

Why did your ex call you horrible and awful? Why are her friends not talking to you - she cheated didn't she?

Is there something you're not telling us?

Reesy

hey mate,

Would you consider putting yourself in situations where you meet women in a no pressure situation? I'm thinking evening class / hillwalking group / book club / whatever you are into. It gives you a way to get to know the women & them to know you, so you can start slow & build on it, once you get to know them casually, then maybe you can suggest a drink or something.

Good luck.

Copper23

Salome,
Honest to god, I'm telling what I know...

We met because one of my good friends was going out with her friend. I don't want to go into the story but I swear I didn't do anything to any of them. I know the girl told them something but they would never said what it was she said that I did, they just dont want to talk to me. Thats what makes it so hard, I swear I didn't do anything to deserve it but it happened.

Others, thanks for the advice. But I AM at the point where enough is enough, I really cant take it anymore but like anon, I am working out, I am doing stuff but the girls are never interested in me.
Like, how did you get with her? How did you manage to go up to her and what did you do...
I know what you mean about treating them like normal people. This will sound stupid but in these situations where you met girls they dont act normal, like, not like they do when you interact with girls you know in everyday situations. They are hyper and hard to talk to.

I'm really at a loss and dont know how much longer I can take this. Is there any way this can be helped? I really dont know. Even if I say f-it and go up to an attractive girl and talk, it doesnt change that they just plain don't like me no matter what I try.

entropi

I apologise for all the quoting here, its a long post but hope it makes sense

Copper23 wrote: »

Ok, I'm a guy of 24. I think I'm ok looking and stuff, not great but I'm tall and not overweight or anything, try to dress well, have good job

Ok this is a good start, since you have highlighted positives in your life without adding in a negative...focus on these for now

I'm just torn to bits because I'm no good with girls. I had one girlfriend over a year ago who I met through friends so it was a fluke, its not something likely to happen again in my circle of friends. I liked her a lot but she cheated then broke up by just stopping talking to me, the mutual friends we had now dont talk to me, the only thing she did say was how horrible and aweful I am and that nobody will ever like me or be friends with me because of it.

What i can point out from this, is that she wanted to end it on her terms, making you out to be the evil one who ruined it...well she's the one that cheated so feck her, she was the bad apple here so move on with pride and hold your head up high eh:) just cut her out of life altogether, if she looks at you dont seem sad, just turn your head and ignore her glance.

I loved the time we were together, it was the only time anyone liked me and I had fun and was happy.

Exactly!! it WAS fun, but times change, she is no longer part of your life so do not be afraid to move on and find happiness again. We all have times like these, good and bad.

My problem is I just want to be normal and be able to meet someone.

But you DO seem normal tbh, you have problems, past mistakes and regrets too, but remember you also have your job, a good one too which in todays economic stress, is something nice to hold onto. You also like to dress well, have height which alot of men would love to have and are eager to get out there and do something...fair play to ya!!

Its just that its so so long since anyone showed any interest in me I really feel like something is wrong with me.

I'm just me.

And thats all you should be:)

I can't make anyone want to talk to me. I've tried drinking, I don't get messy but its makes me more talkative since I'm quiet but thats no good. I've tried not drinking at all so I look sober and confident compared to the drunk guys but that makes me no fun cos I'm not doing silly stuff to entertain the girls.

You cannot make anyone talk to you, true so why not just try, and if they wanna carry on, then by all means do so, and if they dont...well move on feeling good because you tried. You shouldnt drink too much yeah, you aint nobody's pet monkey dancing on queue...

I just don't know. It just cuts me up that the girl I was with got with a guy in 5 seconds just cos she was in a bad mood with me one night. Her and all her friends score any night they go out.

Forget her, she is the root of the problem here i think, dig her up and throw her on the compost heap she aint good.

All my friends get with people every time they go out. But that not happening for me. When I see attractive girls in clubs I just can't approach. I just don't know what to say or what to do. I don't feel good enough whatsoever in any way. I asked family if they thought I could improve my appearance or anything but they just say "oh its fine", its not like you can talk to guy friends about this stuff, you are just supposed to know how to get girls, as a guy.

Actually...your mates are a vast and rewarding source of information on this, YOU MUST ASK THEM!!! do not be afraid to talk about this stuff, you say they can pull on a night out? well get some tips from them, watch them in action and even as an observer you can learn a great deal. If they hit a wall and come back to the group, ask em what they did to even get that far and you could learn after some attempts what works and what don't work. Being yourself is key, you just have to adapt to the situation to succeed, not change your beliefs or who you are.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, im the unreg that said your post sounds just like me a year ago. I just happened to meet my girlfriend through work. When she started all the guys in the office were all over her like a bad smell and I just stayed back and left them to it. When I used to talk to women or they talked to me I always went into it with the expectation of something happening which inhibited me whereas now I just talk for the sake of conversation and if anything extra happens than thats just a bonus. I just talked to her in work and nights out but I never went overboard by making a move or telling her how I feel etc and she ended up chasing me. I didnt do anything special really, it just happened. The other guys were all making too much effort and shooting themselves in the foot one by one and so obviously the nice guy who is showing some interest and isnt a drunken mess and is able to hold a conversation all of a sudden looks a better option than those other guys. Its the same in clubs, I used to have the fear of rejection but now if I just talk for the sake of a conversation then I cant be rejected because there was no expectation there in the first place! Also if the girl is hyper and hard to talk to as you put it then f*ck em'....avoid, there are plenty of girls who are normal and real easy to talk to......it also helps that through years of seeing all my friends f*ck over girls again and again and hearing women crying about all the bastards out there that I am now old enough and mature enough to realise that I am actually a great catch and any woman would be lucky to be with me....you gotta think this way!

Copper23

It just doesnt work at all for me.

I went out with friends last night, both the guys and girls started pulling again. The guys were with some seriously nice girls... but they had zero interest in me.

I eventually somehow got dancing with another girl, she wasn't exactly what I'd normally like but since I can't get the girls I like I said just be happy SOMEONE is dancing with me, it was going well but she ran for the hills when I suggested swapping numbers at the end, when it actually seemed logical like it was heading that way...

I'm on the point of breaking down this morning... I lowered my standards so much just to be with someone and I was just turned down, shhe literlaly ran. There must be something horribly wrong with me. I'm really on the verge of a breakdown here.

Wibbs

Copper23 wrote: »

I'm really on the verge of a breakdown here.

IMHO this is the part of all of this that stands out for me in all your posts on this subject. While I think breakdown maybe too strong a term, I do think your self image is so low and outa whack that no amount of good advice here will likely do you any good. Indeed when people give you good advice you deny it or make up excuses to counter it. And I also feel rightly or wrongly that people's natural sympathy and advice may actually be playing into your current unhealthy feedback loop.

That's understandable if your world view is skewed the way it appears to be at the moment. This will also translate into the world of dating. Women will pick this up. Indeed I would say IMHO women are better at reading the body language of men who may be low emotionally, as in many ways they have more to lose by getting involved with that.

Again IMH, you're not going to find your answers here. You're not going to find your answers with a woman either. If I waved a magic wand and you magically became catnip to women in the morning I strongly suspect it wouldn't be enough, or at best a band aid on a gunshot wound.

I do think this worldview of yours that believes that you are all those things is actually making you self sabotage your chances to agree with that worldview. You would rather be proven correct than become happy. So your demenour around women sets you up for failure. You may claim it doesn't but the proof of the pudding.... Are you telling me that in a nightclub or pub you're the ugliest, least attractive man there? Highly unlikely.

Try and look at this logically. You think you're worthless or unattractive to women. So just you in a world where you meet at least 50 women a week and a world that has billions of the buggers on it, you alone can't find one that would be attracted to you? Makes no sense.

I think you need to speak to someone, your GP say who may be able to refer you to a counselor to work through this. To find a map so you can find yourself back to the way you should be and deserve to be. I don't think you can do it on your own.

My 2 cents anyway.

SoWatchaWant

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO this is the part of all of this that stands out for me in all your posts on this subject. While I think breakdown maybe too strong a term, I do think your self image is so low and outa whack that no amount of good advice here will likely do you any good. Indeed when people give you good advice you deny it or make up excuses to counter it. And I also feel rightly or wrongly that people's natural sympathy and advice may actually be playing into your current unhealthy feedback loop.

That's understandable if your world view is skewed the way it appears to be at the moment. This will also translate into the world of dating. Women will pick this up. Indeed I would say IMHO women are better at reading the body language of men who may be low emotionally, as in many ways they have more to lose by getting involved with that.

Again IMH, you're not going to find your answers here. You're not going to find your answers with a woman either. If I waved a magic wand and you magically became catnip to women in the morning I strongly suspect it wouldn't be enough, or at best a band aid on a gunshot wound.

I do think this worldview of yours that believes that you are all those things is actually making you self sabotage your chances to agree with that worldview. You would rather be proven correct than become happy. So your demenour around women sets you up for failure. You may claim it doesn't but the proof of the pudding.... Are you telling me that in a nightclub or pub you're the ugliest, least attractive man there? Highly unlikely.

Try and look at this logically. You think you're worthless or unattractive to women. So just you in a world where you meet at least 50 women a week and a world that has billions of the buggers on it, you alone can't find one that would be attracted to you? Makes no sense.

I think you need to speak to someone, your GP say who may be able to refer you to a counselor to work through this. To find a map so you can find yourself back to the way you should be and deserve to be. I don't think you can do it on your own.

My 2 cents anyway.

What Wibbs said. We can tell you exactly how to act confident and all that jazz but it's useless until your mind is at peace/ until you believe that you can do this- clichéd, but true. Once you deal with this, you can have whatever you want.

Go to your GP, he will assist you. Don't feel shy about it either, take it from me, he'll be delighted to help you, it'll probably make his day to give a man like you a helping hand.

Nervous Wreck

^^Agree with the above two posts.

My 2c, briefly, is just to say.... Copper, I've always been in the same situation as you, except I'm probably less handsome (due to bushy eyebrows, messy teeth and stupid glasses) and I'm like 5'8 which doesn't exactly get me any modelling contracts (though it does help win limbo competitions). I think the only difference between us is that I cut loose.... I get down sometimes about being not-so-attractive and being shorter than my little brother etc but then.... Well then I get my sister to pluck my eyebrows, I dress well and I bare my messy teeth and stupid glasses to the world. If someone doesn't like me for my faults then **** 'em! There's always gonna be someone that does (and as such, there currently is!) so forget the naysayers. Picking up girls in clubs is a loada crap anyway. I only ever swapped numbers with a girl at a party once in my life and when I called and asked her out, she said no. Few months later, we'd been hanging out as friends anyway and she told me she desperately regretted saying no. I spat in her face and never spoke to her again. Ah no, I didn't. Hah. But that's the kinda turn-around that can happen when someone gets to know you. Ya sound like a decent chap. Your ex sounds like a dick.

cantdecide

Look OP, you're not the same as everyone else. I'm very much like you and trust me, we are a small minority with compatible women an even smaller minority and we DO have it hard- it's inevitable that we do.


I've tried it all and found it soul destroying too to sit by as the drunken Don Juans interfere with the drunken yungwans. I RARELY meet someone I'm compatible with in pubs and the when I do, they're more often than not taken. This is because they tend to be serial monogamists- I don't know why. These women will tend to be with the wrong guys before they will be prepared to wait for you.

Trust me, the 'daft' outgoing pubbing and clubbing types DON'T have any interest in you and I bet that you don't have any interest in most of them, either really. So give up your any-port-in-a-storm crusade and realise you're looking for quality, not quantity.

On the upside, you are entering the age where girls start to give up their teenage criteria and start looking for quality too. So you WILL have more and more opportunities from now on. I promise you.

Stop beating yourself up- stop denying your character. You don't have to Harden The F*** Up (to coin a phrase) though you WILL have to apply some kind of effort in some kind of direction to put yourself in the way of these rare compatible women. That and start being more confident in yourself and patient too.

LegacyUser

I am 26 years old, 6"7 tall and feel so much the same as OP, but I used to have girlfriend til last friday, tho (the only one so far). I would suggest you to try online dating (not sure if someone suggested it already as I only read a couple of posts in this thread yesterday and only today I found time to actually reply to it. Try it, I found my girlfriend through one of these sites...I can't suggest any decent irish dating site, tho, but I would appreciate if someone could, tho.

Copper23

I dont want to seem like I'm shooting everything down but this is my predicament...

Online Dating
I've tried two sites. High class girls generally don't use these, they dont have this kind of problem. The girls who do use them never reply or have no interest in me thus my reasoning that I must be very ugly as thats all you can be judging me on.

Joining activities
I live in Galway, dont currently have a car. I just cant find anything to join where I'd meet some nice girls. There seems to be very limited things to do around here. Please dont say this shouldnt be the primary reason to join because I wouldnt be joining if I did want to meet new people.

Pubs / Clubs
I've just never found girls who are just cool to talk to. Girls are generally hyper and think very highly of themselves. They're drinking, this is what they are like. I dont know where to find the quality girls who aren't drunk and hyper and would be interested in me.

Work/Social Circle
This is a no go area. There arent any avenues to go down here. Even if a new nice girl does come into the circle, I'm the last guy they want. I generally dont try too hard as Anon suggested as I usually know they are not interested, and thats what happens, they aren't, they dont chase me. If I DO chase them, I'd be made look like an idiot.

Councelling
I've tried two councellors who simply couldnt see what my problem was. They didn't understand whatsoever and just said "so what do you think I can do?"

I'm sorry, I'm not shooting everyone down but I dont see where all these friendly people and quality girls are. People generally aren't too friendly unless they know you. I'm at a total loss. I don't know where to turn for help. I think I'm a nice guy but I'm quiet and I'm not Brad Pitt looking. Nobody wants me. I have no real family to go to, I only have friends through work. I'd give anything to just know how to get a nice girl in my life again. I need to know I'm not broken. I'm really getting down over this. I'm so lost, with this and in life because of it.

cantdecide

Lots will tell you to do this or do that (usually based on what has worked for them). Fair enough, you don't have to get big and ripped or start studying law or whatever it is that worked for them. However, Your excuses are broad generalisations- not personal experience. You CANNOT tell us that if you joined a club that there is definitely not one single suitable lady that might take a shine to you. You just can't say that. No one ever said it was going to be easy and we can't wave a wand and make them form an orderly queue for you. The ball is still in your court.

You are really wallowing in this and the more you allow yourself to wallow, the less likely you are to get around it. If you put nothing in, you will certainly get nothing out. Or, by all means wallow, just don't think for a second it's forgivable because it absolutely isn't okay to wallow. Maybe that's why your counsellors couldn't help you??

How do you know that you aren't going to meet the lady of your dreams standing in a slow queue to buy a pack of fags?? Start by just being open to the idea that maybe there's a girl out there thinking the very same thing looking for a guy just like you.

One thing is for sure. We don't know you well enough to help you persoanlly or pep-talk you, so unfortunately, it's up to you now.

waraf

I understand that it sucks trying to pull and getting nowhere but the guys that I know who are the most successful with the ladies are the same guys who can handle rejection like water off a ducks back. Some people will find you attractive, some won't. Seriously, you just need to keep on trying. Don't have high standards. Sorry to be crude for a min but some of the best one night stands I've ever had were with ladies who wouldn't be considered exactly stunningly beautiful in the cold light of day. Let's be honest here - first you need to get laid or at the very least get a snog. A relationship will happen along the line somewhere but you need to get your @ss down to the local meat market nightclub (coppers in Dublin - not sure what the equivalent is in Galway) and pull yourself a drunken minger. Also, women are looking for a bit of fun so you need to at least pretend to be happy and confident while you chat them up. Desperation is not a turn on. Failing that you can always look up the classified ads in the back of InDublin magazine.....

LegacyUser

go out a few nights and pace your drinking - don't be drunk in other words

be smartly dressed and well groomed, smelling nice

just go round and chat up women

get a few numbers and take it from there

Copper23

Anon... Thanks for the suggestion. It makes sense...

But I never get totally pissed, I've tried drinking less and not at all on nights.
I try to dress well, I've spent a lot in this area.

The problem: Just go chat up women...
I DONT KNOW HOW! I know that sounds ridiculous but how? What do you say? Aany time I've just tried talking to girls they cant get out of there fast enough cos im not doing a song and dnace for them like the other guys!!

Get a number? I've gotten one number in my life. I wouldnt have a clue. I've asked 2 girls for their number in the past month beucase I thought I might have been getting somewhere with them and they both laughed in my face!



I know the answer sounds simple if you know this stuff but I really a truely dont!

LegacyUser

Hi Copper23,
I'm 24, Galway girl and I think Galway could be part of your problem. It's clicky, everyone sticks to their group of friends, girls (and guys) can be a little up themselves, and don't bother talking to anyone else - I mean even when someone out of your direct group knows exactly who you are they tend to ignore you.
Get outta here - go away for a weekend, visit a friend, at least get out of the environment and crowd that you're used to, you might feel more confident when you're away from all the stereotypes?
Good luck, and chin up

LegacyUser

copper i think you sound like a lovely man, why dont you stop analysing yourself and all around you and chill!!! when your least expecting it...you will meet the right person so until then relax man!!!