In Complete Despair

PurpleDaisy

I'm new to this, this being my first thread, so not sure what I'm looking for really but have to get this out because I'm in turmoil...

I'm 20, my boyfriends 22, been together about 14 months. And in the last 2 weeks everything's just fallen apart and I feel completely helpless.

It's been going on for about 2 months, stupid petty fights over nothing and arguing for the sake of it, which inevitably turns into a hugely nasty stand off, name calling, personal insults, the lot... This generally lasts about two days, then it's all hugs and kisses, until the next one, usually 3 or 4 days later.

Last week one of these stupid fights kicks off, so insignificant that right now I can't even remember what it was about and of course, straight away, we're at it again. Name calling, insulting, tearing apart the whole relationship, which up until the last few months, has been pretty fantastic. Only this time, we haven't worked it out... at it's been complete hostility since last Friday.

We've met up 3 or 4 times, trying to sort it out but it hasn't worked, it's just become worse and worse. And it's killing me...the stuff that's been said between us the last week has hurt me so much. I'm already pretty insecure when it comes to relationships but after this I have absolutely no confidence left.

Then this morning, after me begging and pleading with him for the last week to try and sort this out, he leaves on a plane to go to a dance gig, in Europe, with two friends. I begged him last night not to go but he still did. Asking me to wait until he's back and we'll sort it when he gets back from his guys weekend away in Amsterdam...leaving me to sit here in turmoil with the last week going round and round in my head, not to talk of imagination running lose on what's going on over there while he's out having fun, completely unphased bout us.

On top of that, I've just found out that he's been hiding stuff from me. I know I shouldn't have gone snooping but I did. It was wrong but what I found out was awful...i'm not going to get into it but basically I seem to be the last one to find out that he's used viagra a couple of times while we've been together, never mentioning it to me, shouldn't he be able to talk about these things with me?? Along with that apparently he's been making some pretty distasteful and public comments and digs at me that he's made in the past, not just since the fighting started but since we've been together.

I feel completely violated and lost. Up until now he was always there for me, and I always thought I knew him so well. But now it's all falling apart. He's run off to a foreign country, leaving me here in bits, and knowing that the future of our relationship is in entire jeopardy and on top of that I find out all this that he's been doing behind my back.

I'm in shock and have no idea how to deal with this. I still love him so much but I don't know what to make of all this, because this isn't the person I thought I knew..

I need some advice or opinions or comfort...please...

AARRRGH

What has started the problems?

What has changed?

cantdecide

How do you think he feels about the whole thing?? Is he distraught or accepting that it's looking bad for your relationship? Is he dismissive??

PurpleDaisy

I've been trying to track down what could be causing it too...but have got nothing except that we're both doing final year exams...stress, pressure etc.

And he says he wants to sort it and it'll get fixed etc....but actions speak louder than words i suppose and they're just words

Dravokivich

Hmm... seems a bit dicey overall.

You mentioned that you are kinda hesitant about relationships in general and this was the first big 1 you've been in, maybe that could be a bit abrasive if you were going to look at it from that view point. as you said your 20 he's 22 and this has been going for 14 months, so basically since ye were 18 / 20. Might be come across a bit rough to say this but the stars don't shine forever. This little fights are bound to happen. I've seen it with 1 of my mates loads of times. If he got envolved with someone it became a long term relationship lasting over a year and a half. Always ended rough. Honestly not sure if it was him or the lenght of the relationship, but someyimes i think there's no way to avoid something like that.

If what you've heard is true in regards to how he's talked about you, thats something that will need to be brought up between the pair of ye. I do believe that there are somethings / opinions i'd rather keep to myself and everyone is entitled to that. But if you were to be envolved with someone, they need to know how you feel and what you think of them. I'd be cautious though, are you hearing this from mates you trust, his mates or word on the street?

In regards to him going off to Amsterdam. It's probably a holiday he had arranged before. As you mentioned, over the last week ye tried to patch things over 3 / 4 meet ups, maybe the pressure should be left to ease off apart. Because of that i think there's no harm in him being away for a couple of days.

But in all honesty my main concern would be how he's treated you and spoken about you. Thats what can make or break the whole thing.

claiva

hi,
sorry to say this, but, it's time to let go.
he obviously does not love you.
dump him right now by text.
believe me it will give you some relief.
he wants his cake, and to eat it too.
i wouldn't care about the viagra issue, loads of lads I know use it without telling their missus.
it's a macho thing.
this guy sounds terrible for you. it is not normal to have arguments where you hurl hurtful personal abuse at one another.
good luck op.;)

PurpleDaisy

I have to point out that in fairness, the stupid fighting for the last 2 months has been both of us, not just him.

It's him running off to Amsterdam and finding out all these things that he's been doing and saying behind my back that has really gotten to me...

I text him over in Amsterdam there and confronted him over the things I found out, which I know I probably shouldn't have, and he says he only said those things when he was angry or when we were fighting before etc. and didn't really mean them, and that I'd do the same thing. Fair enough we all say things we don't mean when we're angry but he's done this behind my back...at least if I was angry I'd do it to his face.

I don't understand it all, up until now everythings being going great or so I thought. I mean we had our ups and downs like any other couple, but we were really good. And I have been in long-term relationships before, and they didn't compare in anyway to what i thought we had.

It's just taken a complete nosedive and I don't know why...