Am I Selfish

LegacyUser

Started going out with a girl last Summer. Everything was great at first. She was my first proper girlfriend at 24, I know, late starter.
Anyway she has a 5 year old son. That doesn't bother me at all and I get on great with the little guy.
We had talked about probably moving in together next year and just general talk about our future together. At first I thought we wanted the same things, and to an extent we do. We would both like to have a child or two down the line. However lately I am starting to feel like we are quite different. She is quite religious, I'm not in the slightest. I smoke occasionaly. She hates it. Things that seem small but might grow into bigger problems later.
I don't want to hurt her but I am really having doubts that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I enjoy travelling and would love to go with her but with her child this is not an option. It takes a good months worth of planning just to go to Galway or somewhere for a weekend.
This has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel guilty for thinking like this.
What do you guys think? Am I being selfish? What should I do?

star-pants

I don't think you're being selfish - you're just being honest. You're having a think about the realistic side of being with this girl for a long time which is good because obviously you care about her and don't want to get into something you're not 100% about.

Talking to her is the only way to really resolve this. Will religion play a big part? regarding possible marriage and/or children. Will smoking be a big issue if ye move in together. Are you content with including a 5 year old in all your plans etc..
You need to think about all this and talk to her. Thing is you could try living together for a bit, not buy a place together or anything and see how you get on. Like a trial living together.

LegacyUser

thanks for the advice. I guess honesty is the best policy. Just need to get my thoughts together before we talk.

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks for the advice. I guess honesty is the best policy. Just need to get my thoughts together before we talk.

Exactly, best to be honest hun. And obviously good for you to have thoughts together before you talk to her. I hope things go ok.

Oh The Humanity

Unregistered wrote: »

Started going out with a girl last Summer. Everything was great at first. She was my first proper girlfriend at 24, I know, late starter.
Anyway she has a 5 year old son. That doesn't bother me at all and I get on great with the little guy.
We had talked about probably moving in together next year and just general talk about our future together. At first I thought we wanted the same things, and to an extent we do. We would both like to have a child or two down the line. However lately I am starting to feel like we are quite different. She is quite religious, I'm not in the slightest. I smoke occasionaly. She hates it. Things that seem small but might grow into bigger problems later.
I don't want to hurt her but I am really having doubts that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I enjoy travelling and would love to go with her but with her child this is not an option. It takes a good months worth of planning just to go to Galway or somewhere for a weekend.
This has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel guilty for thinking like this.
What do you guys think? Am I being selfish? What should I do?

No way are you being selfish.

You are being quite wise and realistic.

To settle down with someone so fundamentally different without deep thought would be folly.

I would run a mile from someone religous myself, she might start expecting you to join in. What if ye did have kids, she might start forcing you to get them Christened and want them to be brought up religous. It would be the cause of a lot of fights.

Its one thing getting on great with the little guy but you are gonna start resenting him if he prevents you from travelling and having fun like you should be doing at 24.

Its bad enough being tied down by your own kid, never mind someone elses....

Tread carefully I say.

LegacyUser

Thanks. I feel like I'm being a prick. We had talked about bein together long term and I thought it was what I wanted at the time but I don't feel the same way now. I feel like I was leading her on.

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

Am I being selfish?

No, it is totally normal for people in a relationship to realise they aren't quite as compatible as they thought.

Unregistered wrote: »

What should I do?

See if the problem can be overcome, but if it can't, you should probably break up.

Relationships break up all the time. It's a part of life...

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

No way are you being selfish.

I would run a mile from someone religous myself, she might start expecting you to join in. What if ye did have kids, she might start forcing you to get them Christened and want them to be brought up religous. It would be the cause of a lot of fights.

I agree with most of the other posters that you are wise to think about these things now.
It's not easy being tied down with kids so young.
However, I disagree with the above - I'm sure the girl realises that her bf isn't religious, and it's a bit of a stretch that she might expect him to 'join in'.
Also, you'll find that most kids are christened in one form or other - and most schools will prioritise places for kids who are of their particular faith. It seems like a big deal in your early 20's but you'll find when you're a bit older that you might just go along with it, or even find it meaning a bit more to you. If you want a church wedding for example, there are certain vows you need to make and most people do this without giving it a second thought - e.g. promise not to use contraception.
Not to detract from the rest of the response(s) but this is something I see coming up a lot on boards, probably due to the demographic, and in my opinion isn't the deal-breaker or awful thing that is sometimes implied.

*Honey*

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks. I feel like I'm being a prick. We had talked about bein together long term and I thought it was what I wanted at the time but I don't feel the same way now. I feel like I was leading her on.

Things change, relationships change, people change... it's better that you realise that you may not be suited sooner rather than later.

Splendour

star-pants wrote: »

Thing is you could try living together for a bit, not buy a place together or anything and see how you get on. Like a trial living together.

This suggestion imo is a selfish one as there is a child involved and who knows what impact your 'trial living together' will have on the little dude...

OP, you're only with this girl since the summer, that is not a long time to really know someone. A lot of people say things during the 'honeymoon' period of a relationship and really believe and mean what they say-at that given time, but when the cold light of day dawns they realise they were led more by lust than love. I'd say most of us have been there...

I don't think you're selfish, but if you feel you've 'lead her on' by things you've said then maybe you can learn from it and not do this again in future relationships. TBH, from the sounds of it you don't want to be with her and feel a certain amount of guilt for feeling this way, and guilt is not a good basis for any relationship...

star-pants

Splendour wrote: »

This suggestion imo is a selfish one as there is a child involved and who knows what impact your 'trial living together' will have on the little dude...

Yes actually - sorry, head wasn't with me - you're quite right, depending on how attached the child is to you, moving in might be a big thing to them

Salome

I think you need to be very careful when entering a relationship with a woman with a child - the child is a huge consideration. You really need to tread carefully when committing to a relationship. Sometimes, the child will have to come first.

The religious thing is only a problem if you let it become one. I'm not religious but my OH is, he's not a bible-basher or anything but I know it's a part of him. I respect it - he doesn't make me join in. I know when we get married, he would prefer a church wedding, whereas I would prefer a civil ceremony but I am happy to compromise for him, his belief is stronger than mine. I don't care tbh but I know he does so I'm happy to make him happy.

If you don't think you can give 100% to this relationship, then you've got to be honest with her and tell her. Think how confusing it would be for the little dude if you move in and then a couple of weeks later, you decide to leave. Make sure you know what you want before your relationship moves onto the next step.