I want a baby

LegacyUser

Hi All
I am a long time poster but decided to go unreg for this one. I know its not a big issue compared to some posts but here is my question..
I am 26 being going out with my bf for 6yrs, he is also 26yrs old, we have lived together for 3yrs, we are very happy, both finished college and working in full time jobs for 4years and we have lived the dream and travelled the world- ( well the main places we wanted to visit for now!!) we have a large amount of savings too.

For the past year I have very strong urges to have a baby with my bf.. I have always loved children and these baby urges are just getting stronger. i have spoken to my bf about this and initially when i mentioned it last yr i think he thought i was mad! Dont get me wrong i have no intention of forcing him into having ababy with me, this is a decision that we will have to make together when we are both ready. After talking about it with my bf over the past year he is coming around to the idea of starting to try for a baby after we get married next yr. but we will obviouslly have to wait and see how we feel then( we are not offically engaged either its all just talk at the moment)

My fear of not having a baby until im in my 30's fightenings me because i am afraid it could take years for me to get pregnant and then ill just be rushing any other children because ill be closer to menopause!

My friends who are all single think I would be crazy to have a child before im thirty..
im just wondering since when is 26 way too young to even be talking about having a baby with someone you love.
We are a very close mature couple and financially we can definately afford a baby so what is the problem with having a baby at 26/27?

So my question is, is it just my friends that think i mad to start thinking about this and should i wait until im in my thirthies incase i miss out on something in my late 20's?

I would like to hear your opinions on waiting until your in your 30s to start a family and if you have a baby in your 20s do you regret not waiting until you were older?

Thanks

LegacyUser

I'm a 26 yr old male and I'd love to be a papa...

Lollipops23

your settled,financially secure and your bf is coming around to the idea....what exactly is the problem?your mates?forget them.this is a decision only you and him can make.it has nothing to do with them.

if you want to wait till after you're married,then do that. But make sure you keep your BF in the loop every step of the way,it's his life you're planning too!

Joey the lips

Hi Dear, A very difficult question to answer and I think you know that.

It depends on how your willing to push so to speak. I think your wise to wait till your married but make def plans to get married now. You want to enjoy your wedding day without worrieing about where the little one is. We dont this not because soc was makeing us feel that way but because we knew if we had the baby first we would have never spent the money we did on the wedding with the child. on a seperate note it adds to the excitement of the wedding by trying for a baby afterwards. Def some x rated stores to tell there.

But then having had a child I am sorry i did not do it years ago while I was young. I work with a lad who is 42 and had his children when he was 20 and 22. They are now grown up and he is still young. I wish I done this.

What i suggest you do is give yourself and the fella a point " Hi john I am 28 now I want a child by 30 and the milkman is starting to look attractive" you get the point your making lite of it while affairming what you want.

Mr. Incognito

You friends are single and are judging your decision to hav a child against their own hectic lifestyles.

You're more settled, emotionally and finacially.

It's up to you and your partner really and no-one else.

What i suggest you do is give yourself and the fella a point " Hi john I am 28 now I want a child by 30 and the milkman is starting to look attractive" you get the point your making lite of it while affairming what you want.

Terrible terrible advice. You cannot give someone an ultimatum on something like parenthood that requires 110% commitment. It has to be a mature, joint decision to avoid resentment.

Das Kitty

Lollipops23 wrote: »

your settled,financially secure and your bf is coming around to the idea....what exactly is the problem?your mates?forget them.this is a decision only you and him can make.it has nothing to do with them.

Exactly!

If you both want to have a baby, have one.

Forget what everyone else thinks or is doing.

cantdecide

I'm around your age and I'm always amazed that our parents generation were all married with children by their mid twenties and now, starting a family is something that is reserved for people well into their 30s.

Do your own thing. If having a baby is right for you two, then do it..

foxy06

I'm twenty seven and I'm pregnant on my third. We are not as financially secure as you but we are a really happy family. We both have secure (I hope) jobs and are married. My eldest is seven and we have a wonderful relationship with him. I have never had regrets about having him so young because he has made us so happy.

Your whole life changes when you have children but it's for the better. Good luck.

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

I would like to hear your opinions on waiting until your in your 30s to start a family and if you have a baby in your 20s do you regret not waiting until you were older?

I don't have children (yet), and I know it is different for men than it is for women, but having a child will drastically change your life forever. My friends who had children in their 20's regret it somewhat; they wish they had waited.

Are you ready to give up your life as you now know it, or do you think you have a bit more living to do?

TheDollyParton

I feel the exact same way as you. I would LOVE a baby, I don't think you're as unusual as your friends are making you feel. And even if you were, feck it, it's your life!

LegacyUser

When I was 26 I was married, we both had reasonable jobs but decided to wait until our 30 to have kids. I'm now in my 30s and we are trying for our first for over a year now without success. I really wish we had started trying earlier and would have done so if we'd known that it wouldn't just happen when we wanted it to. I'd say if you both want kids and feel ready to start trying then go for it and don't listen to what others say, you don't want to regret it later.

Darthhoob

had my first when i was 19, wasn't in the best of situations and i missed out on the social side of things..but i dont regret it. i can be social later one when he is older...and i am not so old lol!. just had another baby and i am 26 now, and i feel that was the best time for me, as i was in much better situation and i was ready. as much as i love my first son i wasn't ready at 19 and i didn't want another till a couple of years ago.

i certainly dont think 26 is too young! i'm looking forward to seeing my kids grow up, have kids of their own...and possibly still be young enough to do my own thing too (although with two boys, one of which has special needs...im expecting them to not move out till i'm put in a home LOL)

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

...you don't want to regret it later.

I'm not sure worrying about fertility problems should be the motivator to have kids as soon as possible, but I understand why you have regrets.

Assuming the OP and her partner don't have fertility problems, would it not make sense to enjoy a few more years of "freedom"?

Just my opinion, not trying to say anyone is wrong.

Dizzyblonde

OP I had my first baby at 23 and my second at 26 and I never regretted it for a minute. They're now in their 20s. It's an individual thing, only you know when the time is right for you.
Of course you'll have to talk to your OH about it and maybe reach a compromise. Good luck.

star-pants

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

It's an individual thing, only you know when the time is right for you.

Agreed.
OP don't mind what others think or do - you're mature and in a mature loving relationship with financial stability so if you two want to start having kids go for it! I don't think there's any specific age(in adults) that's good or bad to start having kids, once you can provide for them & want them in your life.
I'm 25 and if I was in your position I'd probably want to start having children too.
Once you and your partner are agreed on when to have one then go for it, don't worry about other people.

glezo

hi

i had my first baby when i was 24 and my 2nd at 26
although i love to have more children i always said once i reach 30 im not having kids so now saying that ive only a year left so i doubt it now(as curcumstance has changed for me)

so saying that i totally agree wit having children before 30 as you can live life when your children are old enough to live it with you..
eg.. going clubbing with them, as i plan to, travel the world with them and for them to understand the experience better etc

Crea

I'd my 1st at 33 and have to say that I would have preferred to have had children earlier. Trying to conceive just seemed more urgent and stressful because I was worried when it took almost a year to conceive and I felt time was slipping away. I had my 3rd at 37 so we've been busy and we did have the children far closer together than I would have planned if i'd been younger. Also i'm wrecked and think i'd have more energy if I was younger.
If you feel you'd miss out on things in your late 20's that you'd regret later in life then maybe you should hold off. You do sound like you've done everything you wanted to do. You're friends are not you - they want to still live the wild life. 26 is not too young to settle down and by the time you get married and have the baby you'll probably be 28 or 29 anyway, it's hardly 18

galwaydude

Personally i would hold off for another few years. Enjoy your youth when you can because once you have a baby that is all gone for a few years. We had our first when my wife was 29. Its amazing how much energy a 2 year old girl has. But you know what i wouldnt change it for the world. Just be prepared and you will be fine.

Dudess

Unregistered wrote: »

My friends who are all single think I would be crazy to have a child before im thirty.

They're not you.

im just wondering since when is 26 way too young to even be talking about having a baby with someone you love.

It's not. It's just that it has become a "norm" due to people hanging around in college for more than one course, going travelling, going back to college again, then just wanting to do the partying thing with the money they're earning when they finally start working. But that's not for everyone. Just because it's very common now doesn't mean anyone has to comply with it.

We are a very close mature couple and financially we can definately afford a baby so what is the problem with having a baby at 26/27?

Nothing at all - seems ideal.

I'll be honest: the only thing I feel could be a bit of a concern is the lack of a network of other mums who are friends (if you're the only one out of them who has a baby). Support is vital. Not dissing the dad, but if he's working during the day, it can feel a bit isolating. I know young mothers who have commented on this... but then again, I also know a mum who moved to Dublin from Cork knowing absolutely no-one and she just got out there and met people and has a huge network now. I think there are "mother clubs" and the like - they get a bad name because of the "yummy mummy" stereotype but they're hardly all assholes.
And if you've other family around besides your partner, then you'll have the support you need - just go about finding the support you want.

As for holding off and enjoying your youth for a few more years - why are enjoyment of one's youth and having children considered mutually exclusive? Seems like you have the perfect situation for making babbies. In my opinion, putting it off for a few more years would be just doing so for the sake of it. And if you wait until next year, you'll be about 28 by the time your first child is born - young yes, but several years from an age where you'd be "throwing away your youth".

Best wishes...

The Sweeper

Advantages of having children younger:

You still have a life left when they grow up.
You're closer to their mindset because there isn't a generation gap.
Your support network, e.g. grandparents, may be better able to help out because they're not as old themselves.

Advantages of having them when you're older:

You're more financially and emotionally secure, and your relationship could be more stable.
You have more life experience to pass on to them.
They are more likely to be a proactive choice than a happy accident.


If you're ready now, then do it. Personally, I can't imagine what it's like to want children and be wondering if now is a good time. I've spent my whole life not wanting children and wishing the optimum time were just over so people would stop pestering me about it. But one piece of advice I can give - never let other people outside your immediate relationship influence your decision. It's YOUR decision, YOUR child, YOUR life. They won't be there to either hold the baby or hold your hand in IVF, whatever choice it is you make. Other people aren't a good reason to either have or not have children.

KM56

i don't think you mad for wanting a baby at 26. i think you should have a baby when you feel ready. and plus you shouldn't care what peolpe think....you said you friends are single, i think why they said you were crazy because they are used to their freedom. and you are at a totally different page to them.

sure i was 16 having twins. and i did wish i wasn't a mother when i was 18 to 21 because they are the party ages really. but i do not regret any moment of it. and at least you seem ready for a child...money wise like. i'm 27 now and me and my bf are talking about a fourth child.

MLE

I had my first baby at 28 and my second at 31. Im so glad that I didnt wait till I was older. Personally I think there is enough to worry about when having and raising children then adding your age and its possible effects to the equation.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I had my kids quite young and had my family complete by 32. Now I love them and they are almost reared and I am still young BUT my career definitely suffered as a result. I have worked all the time but taking maternity leave, days for sick kids etc does affect your career, particularly if like most average earners you can't afford a nanny, au pair etc to mind a sick baby( and believe me every healthy child gets colds etc and can't go to the creche and a childminder won't mind a sick child). I was lucky that I could keep on working at all, many of my friends were pushed put of jobs once they started taking mat leaves(first ones to get laid off etc).
In an ideal world it won't make a difference to your career,but in reality it does...anyone who tells you it doesn't has not worked in the private sector as a Mammy. Unless you're Superwoman you can't have it all. I have no regrets having them young but I went in with my eyes wide open. I also find that now in my 40s I am only now pursuing post graduate studies necessary for me to climb up the ladder...I had to give it up before as I was holding a toddler in one arm and trying to write papers with the other.
Also I have friends who are having babies in their 40s and never had any problems get pregnant. I have to laugh when you say you'll be near menopause...the average age for that to START is 50!!
I went for my gynae check-up and was told I was ovulating every month shown in the blood tests..in fact a lot of women have unplanned pregnancies in their 40s because there is an idea in Ireland that no contraception is needed at 40+.
Fact is some women ARE more fertile than others...I got pregnant first go every single time,and can still get pregnant if I wish. Yes it is easier to get pregnant in your 20s, but if you have a regular menstrual cylce and your hormones are normal(your GP can do blood test for this) there is no reason why 30,35 is too late. So stop worrying you're 26 not 46!
I am divorced and receive maintenance from exHubby who is a good Dad so I would say definitely get married first ..if the relationship doesnt last you have more legal redress than a single mother. Every one thinks they married "the one" but there's no guarantee in life.
I would do it all again in the morning..just think before you leap ok.

CDfm

Sorry to rain on your parade but having lived together for 3 years what are his attitudes to children? Does he want to be a Dad at all or are you just hearing what you want to..

I was a young Dad and it was fairly rough going financially - I think it is a fairly dramatical aspiration after traveling the world -realistically you should have spent the time saving etc.

While you are both working now -you are not established really in your carrers and really how are you going to afford it.From what you say -you are 26 went to college and travelled so how long have each of you worked -4 years? I hope its in the public service or teaching.

Are your jobs secure and could you survive if one of you became unemployed? Do you intend to work? What if in the current market he became unemployed? What if you both did?

At 26 you have no experience of life during a recession.You have no friends with children or an idea of their costs.

I would suggest you do a budget probably even post a thread in the Parenting and work out the real costs and fit them into a budget.

Being a parent means a huge life change with no more parties,foreign holidays and really even your clothes budget is cut.

He doesn't seem overly entusiastic and slowly coming around might be that he no longer says "are you mad woman" but still thinks it.

I would like to see you fill out more detail as what you have in place financially,home and career wise before being more positive.

embee

Unregistered wrote: »

My fear of not having a baby until im in my 30's fightenings me because i am afraid it could take years for me to get pregnant and then ill just be rushing any other children because ill be closer to menopause!

In an ideal world scenario, we'd all be having children in our 20's. Unfortunately, the ideal world scenario very rarely fits in with "real life". It is true that it is somewhat harder to become pregnant after 30, but really, a lot of women have no trouble conceiving in their early 30's. Once you get past 35 there are increased chances of problems occurring, but again, a lot of women over 35 have had happy, healthy babies. Your fertility does diminish as you get older, there is no getting away from that, but I've read that the average age for women in Ireland to be having their first children is around 31.

My friends who are all single think I would be crazy to have a child before im thirty..

Well, from their own viewpoint, as people who are single and probably not thinking of settling down/marriage/kids etc, perhaps it would be "crazy" but you've been with your partner for most of your adult life. You are happy, contented, stable... it isn't that crazy at all IMO.

im just wondering since when is 26 way too young to even be talking about having a baby with someone you love.
We are a very close mature couple and financially we can definately afford a baby so what is the problem with having a baby at 26/27?

26 is most certainly not way too young... again, you're with someone you're sure you want a family with, ye will get married eventually, you're madly in love... it's not too young. You sound mature and like you're ready for it. I was 25 having my daughter, I was a lot less ready than you seem to be but I've managed fine.

So my question is, is it just my friends that think i mad to start thinking about this and should i wait until im in my thirthies incase i miss out on something in my late 20's?

It's just your friends who think you're mad. It's not like you've only just met this fella and you're so mad for a baby that your judgement is being clouded somehow. You've been with him 6 years, living together, marriage is on the cards... you're not mad at all IMO. You've said yourself that you've done loads in your twenties already, even travelling, you've done that. If you feel like you're going to miss out on something, then it isn't the right time for you, but it doesn't come across that way in your original post at all.

I would like to hear your opinions on waiting until your in your 30s to start a family and if you have a baby in your 20s do you regret not waiting until you were older?

My daughter will be 18 when I'm 43, and I'm glad that I've had her young. My parents are both 49 and are parents to three "kids", who are 30, 28 and almost 26, so I probably would fall down in favour of the "having them young" side. There are clear advantages and disadvantages to both being a younger and an older parent, but 26 isn't terribly young to have a child IMO... it's a little younger than average but it's not extremely young. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and by the sounds of things you're ready for it.

Best of luck!

ladylou

I'm 27 and would love to have a baby, until recently me and my OH hoped that it would be happening before we are 30 but our financial situation is no longer as stable so marriage, kids etc are going to have to wait unfortunately.

I know that most of my friends would have similar recations to your friends, OP, but it's whatever is right for the two of you as a couple. One of my friends said she wouldn't consider having a baby until some of her other friends did so she wouldn't feel like she was missing out on the social side of things. While I realise a baby would change my freedom and social life, to hold off until my friends decide to have children would seem insane to me. She is actually a couple of years older than me, which I think proves it has more to do with the stage you're at in your own life rather than your age.

This is a big decision and shouldn't be based on what your friends think, the most important factors are if you and your OH both feel ready and are in a position to afford it.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

I am divorced and receive maintenance from exHubby who is a good Dad so I would say definitely get married first ..if the relationship doesnt last you have more legal redress than a single mother.

I agreed with the rest of your post 'cept this which seems so mercenary.

LegacyUser

"I am divorced and receive maintenance from exHubby who is a good Dad so I would say definitely get married first ..if the relationship doesnt last you have more legal redress than a single mother."
My words above...

To CDfm: sorry I reread my words and it DOES sound mercenary! Just my experience of division of property,assets and maintenance in a fairly staightforward divorce has been much,much simpler than that of single never-married friends who have split from partners.For divorced men the difference between them and never-married Dads is even bigger in the court system especially in custody issues...scarely so TBH.
I got married for love(pity he kept looking elsewhere for it) but I was very glad I had a marriage cert when I blocked the sale of my kids' home.

Nitxteha

It looks like you have the ideal situation to have a baby but get married first, don't try to hurry up things, or force situations. Everything comes with time and patience. You are still young, take a step after the other.

As for your friends, don't mind them much..everybody has different views towards family, relationships, babies etc..They're giving you an advice not a warning

chrislad

I'm 26 and I had (or she had...) my first 4 and a half months ago, and despite the changes, I wouldn't change him for anything in this world. Words can't explain how your life changes so completely, and how much you would never want it to go back to the way it was. However, it's a decision that both yourself and your partner need to agree on. It's as much a life changing decision for him as it is you, and I think that because women bear the physical nature of pregnancy, too much emphasis is put on the woman, rather than it being a joint decision.

CDfm

thats not saying that you wont love your child if they are unplanned

but the financial pressures and lifestyle are massive and could be for op if b/f isnt ready for kids

LegacyUser

Hi OP - my god it's like you've just taken the words from my mouth, was thinking of posting something very similiar.
My bf and myself are 26, together for nearly 7 years and living together for over a year with our own home. I am desperate for a baby but don't think I can wait till we are married as we probably won't be able to afford to get married for another two or three years - I do not want to be heading for 30 before starting my family.
My bf wants to wait another bit to make sure our jobs are going to stay secure and that we are in the best situation possible before having a baby. He wants one too but I don't think he has any idea how strongly I want a baby. I am dreading any of our close friends telling us that they are pregnant as I know, as horrible as it seems, and as happy as I will be for them, underneath I will be so jealous. I have no intention of forcing him either, completely agree that it will be a decision that we make together but I don't think I can wait much longer. And the whole thing of how long it will take just to get pregnant - I don't think men have any idea! They advise 3 months just to get the pill out of your system before trying. I talked about just coming off the pill and using condoms but it caused a bit of an argument as he thought I wanted to start trying straight away.

Anyway, sorry for the long post but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in wanting to start a family in your mid 20's. I don't see a thing wrong with it and don;t let other people's opinions bother me. All that matters that is what myself and partner want.
I have a friend who had her first baby quite young and she would not change it for anything in the world. Think of being young enough to really enjoy your kids and then being young enough to enjoy your retirement when they grow up and leave the nest.

sardineta

babymadguest wrote: »

Hi OP - my god it's like you've just taken the words from my mouth, was thinking of posting something very similiar.
My bf and myself are 26, together for nearly 7 years and living together for over a year with our own home. I am desperate for a baby but don't think I can wait till we are married as we probably won't be able to afford to get married for another two or three years - I do not want to be heading for 30 before starting my family.
My bf wants to wait another bit to make sure our jobs are going to stay secure and that we are in the best situation possible before having a baby. He wants one too but I don't think he has any idea how strongly I want a baby. I am dreading any of our close friends telling us that they are pregnant as I know, as horrible as it seems, and as happy as I will be for them, underneath I will be so jealous. I have no intention of forcing him either, completely agree that it will be a decision that we make together but I don't think I can wait much longer. And the whole thing of how long it will take just to get pregnant - I don't think men have any idea! They advise 3 months just to get the pill out of your system before trying. I talked about just coming off the pill and using condoms but it caused a bit of an argument as he thought I wanted to start trying straight away.

Anyway, sorry for the long post but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in wanting to start a family in your mid 20's. I don't see a thing wrong with it and don;t let other people's opinions bother me. All that matters that is what myself and partner want.
I have a friend who had her first baby quite young and she would not change it for anything in the world. Think of being young enough to really enjoy your kids and then being young enough to enjoy your retirement when they grow up and leave the nest.

Do you not see the irony an stating that you can't afford a wedding, but you're wanting a child?

LegacyUser

I'm a single male will be 40 next month I would love to be a father but it's looking like it's not goin to happen. All my friends are settled and some have kids. It's really getting me down lately I don't want to grow old alone.

Peewee_lane

sardineta wrote: »

Do you not see the irony an stating that you can't afford a wedding, but you're wanting a child?

I see where you're coming from, but some womens hormones go bananas and the 'longing' for a baby just eats away at you all day.

These feelings pass, whenever it happens to me, I quickly realise its my hormones and forget about it. After a few days the feelings are gone and Ive forgotton all about the strong feelings I had.

Tis hormones, not irony methinks.

LegacyUser

sardineta wrote: »

Do you not see the irony an stating that you can't afford a wedding, but you're wanting a child?

Hi,

No i don't see the irony in forking out over 25 grand for a wedding all in one go compared to the cost of having a baby. I know that babies are expensive but the costs are much more spread out. As I said, we both have secure jobs and perhaps I should have said that we would be saving for our wedding for the next year or two but I would would rather have a baby if it came down to it.

CDfm

babymadguest wrote: »

Hi,

No i don't see the irony in forking out over 25 grand for a wedding all in one go compared to the cost of having a baby. I know that babies are expensive but the costs are much more spread out. As I said, we both have secure jobs and perhaps I should have said that we would be saving for our wedding for the next year or two but I would would rather have a baby if it came down to it.

I think the irony is that you do not have the financial wherewithal to raise funds for a wedding and yet want a child which is a far more significant event and much larger financial commitment.Dont you see the irony?

Have you and your partner tried living for one month on the dispossable income you would have with a baby in tow - that means start with zero funds knock of all baby expenses and then live on the balance. Then the following month do it on one salary. You will soon know if you are ready.

Anyone care to post a baby cost budget?

silvine

I'm a bloke and had a kid when I was 25. Great experience, wouldn't change it for world etc etc

Don't do it! Why exactly are you in such a rush? It will be a lot harder for you now if most (or none) of your friends have kids. Who will you talk about it with or lean on? To say nothing of the huge financial implications, child minding issues, how it will affect your work, your relationship.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

I think the irony is that you do not have the financial wherewithal to raise funds for a wedding

Did I not say that we are saving to get married? That would imply that we are raising the funds and I did say I would rather have a baby if it came down to it. I know that having a baby is a much more significant event, a bigger committment, which is why it doesn't bother me having a baby before we get married.
I don't think there are many people in the position to simply go out and pay for a wedding without saving or taking out a loan. I refuse to take out a loan to get married, personally don't see the point in that, so we are saving, as do my most people who want to get married.

I know what my dispossable income is and I know that we could afford a baby.
I am not ruled by my hormones as another poster suggested and have looked at the reality of having a baby. I know excalty what it entails, many of my friends and siblings have children so I know what they cost. I was trying to tell the OP that she is not alone in wanting a baby in her mid 20's.