Lonely in the UK...long story

LegacyUser

Oh god where to start....

I am feeling very low the last few months. Bit of background...I did a BA in UCD and in my 3 years there, I made no friends outside of my very small circle of friends I moved with from home. This is a huge regret as I was and still am a very shy and insecure person. I just ambled through by hiding behind the people I knew and trusted already. I never really had the 'college' experience. Like I went out with my friends drinking. But I have had to but that was about it. I didnt join any societies or try out new things. It did nothing for my confidence but I didnt really know much better. Often my friends would bring back girls but almost always I would be the one with no-one. I had zero confidance at times, felt very resentful towards my friends and blamed my surroundings for my own shortcomings.

One night last summer, while back in my hometown I met a girl out and got on really well with her. We kissed and kept in contact and met up several times after. We got on really well and I could just be myself with her which was fantastic. We had sex and it was the first time for both of us. It was more of a summer fling than anyhing as I was working in Dublin and couldn't see to much of her. She filled me with so much confidence. To have a girl that was so interested in every facet of my life was amazing. But she was younger than me and not at the same level of life (18 and going into 2nd year in college). I had already decided to leave and start out a fresh new life for me. I decided to study a 1 year MSc in the UK. I was leaving in September. It was very hard to leave her. One part of me knew that I had to move on while the other still cared for her dearly.

My head is all over the place. I'm a 21 year old guy doing a 1 year MSc in town planning the UK. When I initially came over I was very happy. I enjoyed the sense of freeom and the novelty of new surroundings and new people. But I soon fell into the same habits i.e. being very antisocial. I met some very nice people but I spent too much of my time in my room. I suppse alot of it was spent reading on my subject (which was a different field to what I initially studied) but also alot of it was spent texting he same girl and other friends on MSN or facebook.

I came home over reading week and met up with the girl. We kissed a few times. I didn't see any harm in it as neither of us were with anyone else during the previous 8 weeks. But when I came back over here, things took a turn. I had an individual poster presentation that frightened the life out of me. I started having panic attacks and my mind went spinning. I began doubting every little thing in my life. And in this time of need I realised I had no-one I trusted to turn to. I felt so ashamed. It compounded my anxiety and became very depressed. While I get on well with my parents I am emotionally qute distant from them. As my dad was paying for my tuition I felt so ashamed to admit I was feeling down and had doubts about continuing the course. I was terrifed.

I rang my brother in London, who has always been more of a father to me than my actual dad. He was amazing, took it all in his stride and gave me some really helpful suggestions. I talked to a counsellor and went to a Network Spinal Analysis chiropractor who loosened me out and taught me some breathing techniques to relieve the stress and nervousness built up in my body. It worked very well but the thought of coming home for Christmas and the emotional stress that would come from it had me wound up again. Panic attacks. Low moods. I decided to go to my GP and she put me on Citalopram 20mg.

Christmas was very difficult for me. I had 3 assignments due for January which overshadowed any festive spirit. Compounded by my own personal difficulties and not being able to express them with my family. The girl was being quite distant from me which didnt help. I guess I was very needy and she got worried and backed off. Coming back in January I had managed to get 1 assignment done over Christmas and started another. Got all my work done on time and kept my head straight. Kept in touch with friends here and felt alot more relaxed. I had 10 days off so decided to go to London to see my brothers, go from there to Edinburgh to see an old school friend then head back to Ireland for the rest of the break. I could feel the medication kick in and found that it relaxed me and I was sleeping much better.

Coming back to Ireland again, inevitably I met the girl again. This time we had sex a number of times. I tried not to become emotionally attached to her this time. I felt quite bad afterwards but thought it would help my confidence. Which didnt in hindsight.

I guess what's bothering me now is that I've realised that I've missed the boat. While I have taken up a few new activities here I've found it very hard to connect with people. My insecurities and shyness has held me back again, cocooned me back into my shell.

Because of this, I have become obsessed with pleasing other people before myself. I therefore come across as very needy (not in a sexual way, just in general) and it puts people off. I cant help it though. I feel so alone here sitting in my halls dorm. I have nothing in common with my flatmates and often dread coming back here for the night.

My head is spinning constantly. I'm finding it very hard to function on even a basic level. I dont think Ill ever be happy. I'm just far too insecure and have no idea what I want in life. I just enjoy company and having a laugh. But I'm nowhere near outgoing enough.

Now I have my dissertation proposal due on Friday and it has suddenly dawned on me that I may not be up for doing this course. I graduated with a BA in English and Geography UCD so I have no experience of undertaking dissertation research and it all scaring me. I'm not enjoying college anymore. While some if it still interests me, I have lost the passion to succeed.

I have become subsumed with negative thoughts. I am obsessed with what people think of me and I often feel I've nothing worthwhile to add to a conversation. I am as low now as I was in November and feel like **** because of it. I have failed to change my patterns. I struggle to find positives in anything and always focus on the negatives within me and within other people. Im a disaster in social situations at times because of this, which gets me down.

I feel I have given up on life. I dont know what Im asking for. Just wanted to write it all down. Oh yeah and Im still talking to the girl. Can you see a pattern? I'm such an idiot. Im just too afraid to move on. Terrified that I'll be alone. My low self-esteem has distanced me from my friends.

There seems to be a circular pattern that destroys my confidence. I try to engage with people, become aware of my insecurites, which makes them more obvious, making me and other people more uncomfortable, which leaves me walking home resentful and even lower than when I went out. Thinking about it all introspectively adds to my **** mood.

I dont know how to get out of this. I know that going home and living with my folks wont solve everyhing. But everyday here is a huge struggle.

I've been given a once in a lifetime opportunity to change my life and Ive changed nothing.

Kevster

Hi,

You need a plan to stick to. Ideally, you will stay in the UK to finish your MSc, but then you can look forward to coming back here to Ireland, right? Don't just 'amble' through life like you are doing right now - You need a plan. Some people are happy to just go day by day, but I am getting the feeling that you are like me in that you need to know what's ahead of you in order to feel at-ease/happy.

Kevin

LegacyUser

don't give up on the MSc, you've got this far, changing things is not an easy process but mastering the beast (excuse the pun) and getting a masters degree will be a major milestone. Join up to any societies you're interested in, most people are friendly, if they judge you so what, that's their problem.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. You sound like a really thoughtful, condsiderate person, sensitive to others with a lot going for them - successful academic life, friends ( so what if it's not a group of hundreds right?! the close ones count)family members who care, and attractive to the ladies!

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in my college years (an inherited condition, not as a result of life events), and while I am in no way suggesting that what you have is the same, (you were fine in ireland, seems to be since the move right?)I think the level of help you have gotten for yourself so far is just not enough for what you need you right now. You've done the right thing reaching out to your brother and your gp, and you should be proud of yourself for that But you seem to be stuck in a rut. I know the headwrecking feeling of being stuck in your room, wanting to chat with your flatmates but being unable to leave your room, stuck in a never ending spiral of self-analysis and frustration.
i reckon, in my humble opinion, that going back to your GP and telling them exactly how you still feel so down would be the best move to make. Good Doctors are often cautious when prescribing tablets etc but it may be possible that you need more to get your mood levelled out and counselling or cbt to really get yourself back on track. A GP visit is like 15 mins and can't fix everything at once! maybe going back for help will provide you with enough relief to keep on with the studying. Knowing you are taking the necessary steps towards getting help can be a weight off.
Also College staff meet students with difficulties all the time, and you may be surprised what they can do to accomodate you IF you should need to take a break. I left it very late to talk to my department and only regretted I had not done it sooner!

You are still very young, have gotten a good start in life, you have good friends, and you Will Get through this! i would just worry that you might leave things too late to get a fair deal from the college re: your work. they will help in any way they can, but they need to know there is a problem first. No matter how obvious you think your low mood may be, people are often too busy battling through their own issues to really notice!
Your parents may seem or be unapproachable, and i understand you don't want to let them down. i guess you can only imagine how you would feel if your child ( young adult or not) was going through something like this alone, in another country, and was afraid to tell you about it? Please get some help now, even if you have to come back to see your home GP, and get a referral to a specialist here or in the uk.

You have been surviving like this long enough, and well done for reaching out, difficult first steps. please go back to the doctor or a college counsellor and follow this up, you deserve to get your life back on track. There is more help than just tablets out there for you. keep in touch with your brother. There is every chance that you will get that masters done, but your health is first!

Then you will be able to negotiate the relationship, and add to your circle of friends when you are back to good form! hope this helps. best wishes and Take care.

G86

I agree with the other post there - you need a plan. You don't seem to know where you want to be, who you want to be, or even who you are - and I'm guessing that's a really scary place to be looking at the world from. You left Ireland even though you were in a relationship and could have studied here if you wanted to, so I'm guessing coming back here isn't going to make you content.

How about heading travelling?

You could start planning now for when you finish your course. It could be an amazing experience for you, you'd meet so many people and I think you'd become so much more socially confident - it'd be a case of having to sure! Plus you'll be amazed at how quick the year will fly in when you've something to look forward to. Its just an idea

Oh and who says you shouldn't keep in touch with all your old friends? Moving on doesn't having to mean moving on from your friends!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, they really help.

I've talked to my course leader and there is possibility of deferring the dissertation if needs be. He's very approachable and understanding. I am going to book some sessions with the student counselling service next week. Through family I may be able to get something in London if I'm stuck with the Masters. I'm going to see them next weekend so that'll help.

Im just feeling very frustrated because my moods and physical well-being has moved back to November levels and I just feel like a failure. Some of my thoughts have been very scary. I just want to curl up in a ball and feel nothing. I have been finding it hard to confront my problems and end up reverting back to my old habits. Like I only got out of bed at 4pm today.

Has that ever happened anyone else?

I have to remember that as what is being said here, people arent analysing and judging me as much as I do to myself! But when all I focus on is negative thoughts its very hard.


Has anyone else had experience of cbt? That sounds good.

Affable

Unregistered wrote: »

I guess what's bothering me now is that I've realised that I've missed the boat. While I have taken up a few new activities here I've found it very hard to connect with people. My insecurities and shyness has held me back again, cocooned me back into my shell.
Because of this, I have become obsessed with pleasing other people before myself. I therefore come across as very needy (not in a sexual way, just in general) and it puts people off. I cant help it though. I feel so alone here sitting in my halls dorm. I have nothing in common with my flatmates and often dread coming back here for the night.
I have become subsumed with negative thoughts. I am obsessed with what people think of me and I often feel I've nothing worthwhile to add to a conversation. I am as low now as I was in November and feel like **** because of it. I have failed to change my patterns. I struggle to find positives in anything and always focus on the negatives within me and within other people. Im a disaster in social situations at times because of this, which gets me down.
.

Can you give me any more elaboration on why you want to please others before yourself, or no the thought processes that surround it, some examples? W It may help me to expand. I had a time of coming across as needy and it can actually be a perversion of your true nature..you may be stronger than you think it's just that some people are more willing to bull**** and be more in love with themselves. Don't chastise yourself, even the best of them can temporarily lose the plot and their bearings. Probably means you're a bit more interesting than those who are unquestioningly opportunist.

Gruffalo

Unregistered wrote: »

Oh god where to start....

1.This is a huge regret as I was and still am a very shy and insecure person.

Regret is pointless. You cannot change anything. You make a point of mentioning your friends bringing girls home. Has it dawned on you that you might not be be that kind of guy? Nothing wrong with that.

2. I had zero confidance at times, felt very resentful towards my friends and blamed my surroundings for my own shortcomings.

What did you resent about your friends?

3. We got on really well and I could just be myself with her which was fantastic.

Now here is a real clue. Do you think that you got on really well because you were yourself?

4. I had already decided to leave and start out a fresh new life for me. One part of me knew that I had to move on while the other still cared for her dearly.
My head is all over the place. I'm a 21 year old guy doing a 1 year MSc in town planning the UK.

I dont mean this in an offensive way but at 21 you have not even begun your first life so why do you want to start another one?

5. I suppse alot of it was spent reading on my subject (which was a different field to what I initially studied) but also alot of it was spent texting he same girl and other friends on MSN or facebook.

This tells me that you were able to balance post graduate study and your social network at the same time. That takes some doing, so fair play to you.

6. But when I came back over here, things took a turn. I had an individual poster presentation that frightened the life out of me. I started having panic attacks and my mind went spinning. I began doubting every little thing in my life. And in this time of need I realised I had no-one I trusted to turn to.

Postgraduate study is difficult and there is no shame in experiencing nerves or fear. If it was easy eveyone would do it. Just because you do not feel you can open up does not mean that they can not be trusted. From what you say, it sounds like your friends, your brother, your family and a certain young lady all want to be part of your life. Why not let them?


7. The girl was being quite distant from me which didnt help. I guess I was very needy and she got worried and backed off.

Or maybe she was confused by the fact that you try not to have her in your life when it appears you like her.

8. I tried not to become emotionally attached to her this time. I felt quite bad afterwards but thought it would help my confidence. Which didnt in hindsight.

Why are you trying to keep people at a distance? If you like the girl, go with the flow.

9. I guess what's bothering me now is that I've realised that I've missed the boat.

Missed what boat? you are 21, relax and enjoy life.


10. Because of this, I have become obsessed with pleasing other people before myself.

This seems to be at the core of your life. Why not accept yourself for who you are and treat yourself with a little kindness.

11. I dont think Ill ever be happy. I'm just far too insecure and have no idea what I want in life.

Yes you do:

I just enjoy company and having a laugh.

Enjoy the company, have the laugh and it will come to you. If you knew how your life was going to turn out at 21 you would be a freak and you would have a very boring life.

12. Now I have my dissertation proposal due on Friday and it has suddenly dawned on me that I may not be up for doing this course. I graduated with a BA in English and Geography UCD so I have no experience of undertaking dissertation research and it all scaring me. I'm not enjoying college anymore. While some if it still interests me, I have lost the passion to succeed.

You will never enjoy every aspect of your course, some of it will be boring as hell to you. I know I have the option of doing my dissertation in Ireland (also studying in UK) maybe you could do some of yours there. I am doing a dissertation this year and I am scared sh*tless, but I just focus on the fact that I will be a better person when I come out the other side of it, and I will be more knowledgeable about an area which interests me.

13. I feel I have given up on life. I dont know what Im asking for. Just wanted to write it all down. Oh yeah and Im still talking to the girl. Can you see a pattern?

Yeah, I can see a pattern. You like the girl, you are too hard on yourself, and you have the unrealistic expectation of knowing your lifes destiny at the age of 21.

14. I've been given a once in a lifetime opportunity to change my life and Ive changed nothing.

You are going through a phase in your life which is tough. When you get through it you will be a stronger and more self aware. You are more knowledgable from your studies and you are experiencing life in another country. Someday you will realised that you have changed a lot.

Be yourself and best of luck to you.

puffinn

Hi Op really glad to hear you've spoken to people in college.I posted earlier to you as anon, but as I said , i have clinical depression, which is prob very different from you.
I have had experience of CBT, you work out ways, practical ways to combat the difficulties you are facing. its not like the american type version of therapy you see, where you go back over your childhood and your past endlessly. it helps you examine your normal/ defective thinking patterns and ways to break them. for example i though that everyone I met was thinking, " there is something wrong with her" and i couldn't think of any small talk and was afraid to go out. my therapist suggested wearing something a little different a brooch, odd socks, that would take the focus off my inner self and put it on my outer self. again, this was for my particular situation and anxieties, which were prob diffenerent fron yours, but it seemed to help. you learn how negative thinking affects behavour- your negative behaviour getting bad results, again affecting your thinking leading to more negative behaviour, and so on.
well worth a try. well done! I am so proud of you for asking for what you need. keep doing the best you can, and don't be afrais to ask for that help when you need it.

estar

i remember being in a phone box crying down the phone to my parents saying i wasnt doing my exams as i didnt know anything, was crap in general, didnt know anything and wasnt able for it.

i got a first in that exam after they practically threatened me with ex communication if i didnt get it. because they believed in me! and when they believed in me and reminded me what i could do, i calmed down and got on with it. they were like - you can do it. you have done it before.

the same applies to you.

STOP EXPECTING TOO MUCH FOR YOURSELF AND SETTING YOUR GOALS TOO HIGH. STOP ANALYSING ALL THE TIME.

set your goals small and easy for now. you are only 21!!!!!! you have achieved so much. much much more than i did at that age. at your age

- i had never gone out with someone or slept with someone not that that is a good or bad thing
- lived in a different country on my own
- had yet to get my degree

i think the emotional seperartion from your parents is a good place to start. reach out. open your heart to your family. being weak is only a weakness if you dont use it as an opportunity to get support. ask for reassurance from those you trust most, not strangers in halls. we are all weak. we are all human. we all get scared. we all get lonely. the strongest people we meet are usually the people with the best network of support who know their weaknesses and how to get help for them. we all fail. although i dont feel you have failed. i feel you have failed in your mind because you expected so much.

stop assuming you know what people in your college think of you. relax. make casual small talk. aim to have one conversation a day. leave it at that. that will grow.

i think your expectations were to blow the entire UK away with your amazingness and social skills. have 2 milion girlfriends, get a first. no, be the worlds best town planner at a young age. and now you feel a failure because you have survived. you had unrealistic goals and are too harsh a self critic. would you expect these massive things from your best friend?

make survival your new goal, and already you are half way to becoming a winner. adjust your goals downwards. to a human level please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

geography in UCD is really hard. you clearly arent stupid. you got through your 3 assignments under great stress. well done!

my advice would be try with the support of your loved ones, and the student councillors not to defer. try to hold it together even though you are afraid and confused. start praising yourself for the small things. start seeing your worth and value.

ie - i usually praise myself for getting up on time, organised, and with a plan for the day. as there was a time when i wasnt so organised.

that means i feel great after doing this. i reached my goal. a stupid goal some might say. but its important to see the small things and not get blinded by the headlights of the future.

now, break that elephant into edible chunks. break your future into one week bite sized chunks, and forget about the future. if you take care of every day and week, you will find the future takes care of itself.

what dissertation are you interested in doing? what subjects have you enjoyed?

what do you have to get done next week? maybe its just stay alive? then just stay alive.

you have worried yourself into a state of emotional dizziness and you are exhausted. if you have bought time with the student counsillor. then take a break. stay in bed. sleep. recharge. reflect on how you are going to change how you approach your life goals so they dont over whelm you.

and accept where you are. stop thinking i should be doing this feel like that be doing this.

this is where you are. accept it as being ok. allow yourself to be yourself. this is the first step to becoming calm. and becoming calm is going to help you clear your mind, focus and make the right decisions and perhaps return to study.

you are where you are. it is what it is. and its going to be ok.