Getting the ex out of your head! sorry, its another moving on thread

LegacyUser

hi,
firstly im sorry that this is another getting over the ex thread but here goes. my girlfriend broke things off 2 months ago after we were going out a year. im in my early 20s and despite being young i truly loved this girl. she moved off to another country for a few months before christmas but we decided to give things a go. she reiterated that she loved me before going so i felt optimistic. so within 3 weeks of being gone she sends me a text saying she wants a break. of course i immediately rang her back to ask what was up/wrong and it was then that she said she wanted to breakup. i was gutted and pleaded with her not to (i know i won no man points there!) but she almost sounded aggresive on the phone and said to just accept it. this happend right before chrismtas and for a few weeks afterwards she would text me on occasion to make sure we were friends. i really do want to be friends with this girl but i know i wont get over her if i am. anyway to cut a long story short, i havnt heard from her in ages, no more texts so i thought i was finally getting over her however even the slightest thing like seeing her online on msn sets me off and i get those butterflies. she hasnt initiated any conversation with me lately and i figured it would be best i didnt either till im ready. but when will that be?
thanks for reading and again apologies for rehashing an old topic

LegacyUser

op again, i forgot to say the reason she gave me for breaking up was that she didnt want to be in a relationship. i know i sound like i need to be told to wise up but after a year of being together (and also being best friends during this time) i really wanted a better explanation. i know how that sounds. when i asked a couple of weeks later all she said was sorry for how things worked out and went offline. that was the last iv really heard from her

LegacyUser

Hey OP- know how you feel - similar age and similar length of time with the girl for me but im a few months down the line in terms of when the break up happened, so hopefully I can give you some advice based on experience.

First thing I would say is 2 months aint all that long and you might have to put up with a bit longer of feeling bad. I was still feeling bad about it 6 months after I was broken up with. Having said that, I dealt with it pretty badly and there is stuff you can do to stop feeling bad and get over her.

The main mistake I did was indulge my heartbreak. You know, I almost wanted to feel it as it was a sign of the love I had with my ex. So I wasnt helping myself at all. You've got to be mentally strong and ask yourself the question 'Do I want to move on/get over her?' If the answer is yes, then my first bit of advice would be to cut contact. Maybe this is just my experience, but I think that remaining friends with an ex is, if not impossible, incredibly difficult. I tried remaining friends with my ex and it just did not work because I could only think of her as my girlfriend and would hence experience all the pain and rejection of not being together every time i saw her. I made the decision to completely cut contact and even just making that decision really helped as I felt like I had made a clean concious break and she was not in my head as much anymore. And yes it is a hard decision to make, but its one you have to take for yourself as its the only way to move on (IMO).

The other thing I will suggest is to just try stop thinking of her. When you find yourself lapsing into thoughts of her, just try put it out of your head - this is easier to begin with if you're busy. So go out loads with friends, or make new friends, meet new people do new things. You won't be thinking of the past if the present is fresh and exciting.

I'm half advising myself here, because I still think I am very mentally weak - saw my ex recently for the 1st time in ages, avoided eye contact but still felt a bit **** going home that night. You've just got to tell yourself that its over and there is little point in crying over it for too long, theres a lot more to your life than the relationship you had I assume (friends family hobbies etc...?)

So yeah you can help yourself - my main bits of practical advice would be dont indulge it (for example dont listen to a cd that reminds you of the 'good times'). Cut all contact (especially face to face contact), and make a concious effort to forget about her, keep busy and keep positive its not the end of the world! and also when you do think you are over her, dont lapse back into old ways as it may be a false dawn.

Also listen to Wibbs if he replies because he is very wise and helped me out a lot when I posted a similar thread. best of luck my friend!

Kevster

Hi,

I'm sorry that this post went unnoticed. What you must do is change your phone number, change your email, and reject all forms of future contact she makes with you. This is the best approach to take, if you are looking for a quick 'getting over' of her. You shouldn't even be reading any messages she sends to you - That's just propagating your - and her - suffering.

Kevin

Salome

I'm inclined to agree with Kevster. It won't help if you see her name pop up on messenger especially when she's not chatting with you.

I think a clean break is the best way to go. I don't believe that you can really stay friends with an ex if you're still pining for her. I think that couples who stay friends after a break-up were never totally emotionally connected to that relationship to begin with. In your case, I know that you're hurting so a friends scenario for you will just be extending the torture.

Delete her emails, mobile number - I think that you won't get over this if you're still hoping for a reconciliation.

That_Guy

OP at least you got some sort of an explanation as to why she wanted to end things with you. I have a similar experience.

I was going out with a girl for a year and she said she wanted a break. Not entirely sure what this meant I gave it a go hoping things would work out and things would continue on as normal. Alas it didn't and I got a text from her saying it was over with no explanation. You're lucky though that she wanted to remain friends whereas my ex didn't and now for some reason unbeknown to myself she despises me and called me petty when I demanded an explanation for the break up.

That was about two years ago now and still to this day I want to know what her reason was because now I don't know how to change myself should I become involved in another relationship.

Anyway. I was like you too with the whole getting butterflies when she was online on bebo and for a while I cyber-stalked her on bebo to see who she was talking to. Not a healthy way of getting over someone but I felt that I needed to know. I finally came to the realisation that this was not the case because I knew that if I carried this on I would just end up hurt and feeling like sh*t.

To stay friends may seem like a good idea but it may crush you later on. Because you've got such strong feelings for her it might kill you when she announces to you that she has a new boyfriend or something.

Until such time as you get over her and the feelings you had for her then being friends may not be the best for you right now because you'll always have a niggling feeling swirling around your head that things may work out and unfortunately in most cases they don't and you might feel like you resent her for not taking you back.

For the time being just delete her from your MSN and keep contact to a minimal. This is a good yet difficult process of getting over her. You'll eventually do it and though you may not want to believe it yet you'll realise that she wasn't worth all the trouble. Good luck.

LegacyUser

OP I'm in the same boat. With a guy for a year, he finished it 1 month ago. Yeah the advice given here is easy to say - delete her number, delete her from msn or skype or bebo. Sure - that will help. BUT what if, like me, you know the phone number off by heart and what if - you don't see the point of deleting her from your msn etc because the minute you are curious to see if they are online or not you can simply add them again without them having any knowledge of you having deleted them or added tham again and it takes 2 seconds to add them and see if they are online again.

I have decided that the best thing to do is to control your behaviour. No one else can do that except you. make a promise to yourself that you will not contact her under any circumstances. and the other thing about deleting them or not going online is that what if - in a moment of weakness they decide they do want to instant message you - but in that moment you are not online. What if there is a chance of reconciliation but it gets ruined because you are off line - yeah all the rediculous ideas come to the mind of the broken hearted - i know - its my second time.

As far as needing a proper reaon for why it ended, i needed that too. Its human nature to want to understand 'why', well all I can say is - and to you too 'That Guy' - the reason is love. I came to realise that after my first break up and again during this one. If she loved you, you would not be broken up. You would have worked things out. The reason is, she doesn't love you. Toughest thing to go through is heartbreak. Sorry to sound mean.

The initial months are the worst, it took me about 1 and a half years to get over my first love (was with him for 3.5 years though) but this time I am not going to 'indulge', as mentioned above, in the heart break. I am gonna get on with my life, pick myself off the ground, dust myself down and put it behind me.

He was my best friend too, the pain will fade though, and you will find another best friend. That is one thing you can definately count on and be sure of at this stage.

WellyJ

If it makes you feel any better, anyone who dumps you with a text message isn't worth being upset over.