how to improve self-confidence?

LegacyUser

just wondering if anyone has any tips for how to boost self-esteem.

i'm a woman in her mid-20's with lots of friends and dates, but i have terrible insecurities. i find flaws with my appearance, personality, and constantly question my convictions and choices. the self-doubt is beginning to take it's toll. after talking to friends i've found that this is fairly normal, but it still drives me mental and i'd like to stop worrying so much.

it doesn't help that i've been single for three years and am starting to take it as a clear sign that ther'es something wrong with me. anyone experience anything similar and have solutions?

Kevster

I'm 26 now and have been single for around 4 years. I used to have low self-esteem that I would lock myself in the toilet at home... ....:o
Anyway, I embarked on a 'mission' a few years ago whereby I would no longer be afraid of who I was. Many years later, and i'm now at a point where I don't give a **** what people think of me, and I feel more liberated now. I can act the way that I want to act, and if someone else doesn't like it, they can go get stuffed.

... ...ask yourself this: Do you honestly have the time to be letting your esteem issue delay you any more? It's time to shake it off and tell yourself that you're a wonderful, strong-minded person, and that no-one is going to tell you how to behave anymore. you do what you want to do.

Kevin

LegacyUser

Inspiring stuff Kevstar, but how did you actually go about thinking that way, you make it sound easy, you cant just suddenly become the person who doesnt care what people think!!

LegacyUser

thanks for the reply kevster. but i have the same question as the last poster: how did you get to stop caring? was it a process, or did you just sort of wake up one day and decide to stop giving a shit?

That_Guy

Everybody finds flaws with themselves and thinks that they're appearance is somewhat "faulty". It's quite common. Everybody has their insecurities in some way.

You can't let your insecurities stand in the way of what type of great person you may be. Not everybody is perfect. Everyone is flawed in some way.

I myself am blind in one eye and I was very insecure about people looking at me when I was younger. I often got very upset because it seemed that people were going out of their way to look at what they deemed to be "freaky".

I eventually met people in a similar position to myself and they really inspired me. I know that I have a disability but it doesn't stop me from going out and enjoying my life. People can look all they want at me. I know I've got something wrong with me and I'm comfortable with myself.

There's a ton of shallow people out there who think they're above other people when it comes to looks etc but they're most likely the most insecure of them all.

As for being single don't worry about it. 3 years isn't that long to be single. It's not the end of the world. If you go looking for love it won't happen but on that one occasion when you don't go looking it'll probably be the time it does happen.

Just be positive in yourself. Sounds difficult but it's not so don't worry. Take it one day at a time.

Kevster

I know that I made it sound easy - my apologies. It certainly wasn't easy and involved years of 'etching away' at the thoughts that I was worthless. It involved taking risks every now and then like, for example, simply saying 'no' to someone and sticking with it, wearing something that I know would cause people to stare at me, etc. Basically, it involves doing things that you want to do and not feeling guilty about it.

I hope that this is making sense... ...

AngryBadger

sameproblem wrote: »

Inspiring stuff Kevstar, but how did you actually go about thinking that way, you make it sound easy, you cant just suddenly become the person who doesnt care what people think!!

I think Kevstar is on the money.

OP we all have to deal with doubts and insecurities, something I've found works for me is looking at a situation in terms of loss/gain. If something is bothering you, how can you fix it? Is the effort involved in fixing it (and presumably making yourself feel better) acceptable, or outrageous? If it's outrageous, accept that this is something you can't chage, and get on with your life.

Maybe that's a bit too clinical for some, but over the years I've found it to be a great way of divesting myself of doubts and hesitation.

Creamy Goodness

Kevster wrote: »

I'm 26 now and have been single for around 4 years. I used to have low self-esteem that I would lock myself in the toilet at home... ....:o
Anyway, I embarked on a 'mission' a few years ago whereby I would no longer be afraid of who I was. Many years later, and i'm now at a point where I don't give a **** what people think of me, and I feel more liberated now. I can act the way that I want to act, and if someone else doesn't like it, they can go get stuffed.

this sounds exactly like me...

the way i got round it was i threw myself into the deep end and attended a boards beers, it might not be everyones way of dealing it but it certainly helped me.

now i'm still a bit self conscious but no where as near as i was, but i'm gradually thinking who cares what other think of me, if they don't want to know, then **** them.

LegacyUser

cheers everyone. some good advise here. the problem i have isn't putting myself out there, i'm pretty good at that, but pretty much just self doubt. like if something goes wrong i always blame myself and if people criticise me i have a hard time brushing it off. i guess i think my core personality is flawed and useless. i'm trying to figure out how to say "fuck 'em" but it's not as easy as i was thinking it would be.

Snowie

While most people have insecurities some people except them other look them deep inside and hide them away, some just dont notice them other do and let it consume them others do negitive things that change there lives that can cause huge health risks.

Im 27 ive been single for 6 year's ive been seeing girls tho which does help but majority of the time. I'm on my own. But you gotta look past all that. I can hugly relate to self dout but some things that have helped me are
looking at the good things you every day even if there only small if they give you a sence of acheavment then look at it and enjoy it... like for instance i built a wall to day never did it before but i did, it and felt great about it. The day before i varnished a shed again an acheavment... My point being acheaving something makes you feel good to say yeah i did that, which in turn make's you feel more confident...acheavement is anything from getting somthing done in work to walking for 3 hours in order to get fit...

Ive a missing tooth im really self contous about it most people dont notice it but i do, when i smile it can be notice as its at the front but again some people have bucked teath some have no teath some people are cross eeyed some people have one leg shorter then the other some people have one leg...
So your not the only one and it's normal for every one...

As for thinking there something wrong with you dont see the positives in you ... There positives in everyone so see them beleaev in them..

we all get days of self dout but again majority of the time there just thaughts thaughs are like air and you useually dont see them... there a poem il post bye an Araen poet of 3000 years ago it makes a lot of sence to me

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks


hope this helps

zynaps

Hi,

It's important to remember that everyone one of us, even the apparently super-confident ones, has little insecurities and bits of themselves they're not proud of. I think the critical step to having self-confidence is to love yourself and forgive your previous failings - I have a friend who's never had a girlfriend (at the age of 27) and constantly tells me that he's now going to force himself to be confident and woo a girl, as if external validation will satisfy an absence of inner confidence.

My suggestion to help improve self-confidence is to spend more time doing some apparently selfish things - take a holiday, read that novel that's been sitting on your bedside table for 3 months, play that sport you like but never spent time on, start playing the instrument you always wanted to play but also never had time for.
It may not be the right thing for everyone, but it helped me when I was at a low - I used to feel really self-conscious with other people because I'm a short guy (5'5), and it wasn't until I was 24 or so that I came to terms with it and accepted that while most women don't find that attractive, I had lots of other nice qualities that _I_ care about (not that it's my only unattractive quality ) and would spend time on them instead of feeling sorry for myself