Problem with partners past.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 5:10pm #1

Hello, I've been lurking for a while but don't have an account. was just hoping someone could shed some light on this situation as I am in need of a bit of assistance with it.

In a nutshell, ive got a great girlfriend who im very happy with. i love her and the two of us are very well matched. we're both in our early twenties. but i only have one thing that's really starting to bother me and that's her past.

she's had a good few partners more than me, which is fine i don't care about the number really. its more the people shes been with that left me feeling slightly uneasy. two of the men she had one night stands with were married and she knew they were married beforehand. when i first found out i didn't know how to react, i just told myself that her past is none of my business. but its the fact that she was happily able to sleep with them without guilt at the time that made me feel worried. i think the blokes who did this were just as much in the wrong though. its risking breaking up a family but the way i see it my gf was willing so i kind of saw her in the same light.

We have talked about it. it really bothered me at one point as i felt that im just lining myself up for getting used. but she told me that she'd never do that again and she'd never cheat on me and that she loves me. i love her too so and im not going to lose someone as great as her over something she did in the past, which really has nothing to do with me.

So im just looking for help on how to get these thoughts out of my head, mainly my twisted mind conjuring up made up images of her past and the constant nagging feeling i have in the back of my head.

i absolutely HATE myself for thinking like this and i feel like a teenager. she says im a great boyfriend and i want to keep it that way, i dont want to start treating her badly. she means the world to me.

does anyone else think like this? did you stop? and if so how? any help i appreciate and thanks for reading my ramblings

herya · 03-03-2009 6:22pm

Looks like what she's done is in the past and has very good chance never to repeat again. If you can accept this give your relationship a chance. Now if she does it again it's a different story!

Redpunto · 03-03-2009 6:37pm

She didnt cheat while in a relationship - the men did, not that it was the right thing to do BUT it wasnt her doing the cheating. Get over it and enjoy the relationship and stop talking to her about it - it'll just bring up the issue again and again.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 6:41pm

Seems like she's been pretty honest too. I think you should defo try and move past it. You're both quite young too, people make mistakes when they're young, it doesn't have to define their whole lives

bluecell99 · 03-03-2009 6:44pm

It's in the past.She's with you.Everyone has a past.Live for the here and now.

Too much looking back and doubt will create a bad atmosphere and inhibit you from developing your relationship.

ownknee · 03-03-2009 6:52pm

I'm guessing she was really immature when all that other stuff happened & has since grown up. I'm sure if she could go back & change history she possible would but then she might not be the person that she is today, which is a great girl you love.
Maybe you're getting a bit panicky because of the strong feelings you have for her & you're afraid she might do the same to you.
Sometimes people have to do silly things & mess up a bit to realise thats not the person they really want to be.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 6:52pm

Redpunto wrote: »

She didnt cheat while in a relationship - the men did, not that it was the right thing to do BUT it wasnt her doing the cheating. Get over it and enjoy the relationship and stop talking to her about it - it'll just bring up the issue again and again.

Cheers man. im trying to get over it, believe me

thanks for the replies everyone. im certainly going to work past it. im not throwing away what we have, it's the last thing in the world i want to do.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 7:00pm

ownknee wrote: »

I'm guessing she was really immature when all that other stuff happened & has since grown up. I'm sure if she could go back & change history she possible would but then she might not be the person that she is today, which is a great girl you love.
Maybe you're getting a bit panicky because of the strong feelings you have for her & you're afraid she might do the same to you.
Sometimes people have to do silly things & mess up a bit to realise thats not the person they really want to be.

yes, i was afraid she'd to it to me too but she swore she wouldn't and was no longer like that. and yes, she told me she was all over the place at the time and didn't know what she was at so i suppose it's just part of growing up. Thanks

CDfm · 03-03-2009 7:32pm

OP what is your problem. Doesn't common sence tell you that the whole topic unsettles you -so why talk and think about it. It is the past.

These past history qwuestions serve nobody well.

ownknee · 03-03-2009 7:33pm

no problem op

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 7:49pm

CDfm wrote: »

OP what is your problem. Doesn't common sence tell you that the whole topic unsettles you -so why talk and think about it. It is the past.

These past history qwuestions serve nobody well.

I dont bring them up. Se does. When the conversation first came up i was pretty shocked by the answer. I'm not a prude or anything but it just made me uneasy. anyway, i decided that there was no point asking as the answer is just something i wasn't interested in. but she can absent mindedly mention things she's done with lads before and what they've told her before in conversation. she doesn't do it on purpose. she just assumes i dont mind hearing this stuff. nothing in my past bothers her as ive done nothing to disgust her (her words not mine)

Bottle_of_Smoke · 03-03-2009 9:01pm

Personally I'd be more concerned about the numbers. THe married men were in the wrong, she wasn't married to anyone.

Are you sure its not the numbers bothering you? Cause that won't go away until you've slept with enough people to keep your ego happy. That sounds offensive but I don't mean it in a consescending way at all, I'd never enter a numbers conversation with a a girlfriend for this very reason

Polleta · 03-03-2009 9:02pm

Ok I'm going to be totally different here and say ignoring those niggling feelings is never a good thing.

I'm a firm believer in trusting your gut instinct cos its usually right...

Ok maybe a person can change and she didnt technically cheat herself BUT I found out a guy I was seeing a few years ago was actually seeing someone else too.. I immediately booted him out of my life as that would be against my personal morals. Obviously her personal morals are different and I would be insecure enough going out with a guy who had a history like your girlfriends to have to define the boundaries of what counts as cheating to me so that I knew he knew where they were.

Perhaps I'm just a bitter twisted old woman though..

03-03-2009 9:09pm

Personally I'd be more concerned about the numbers. THe married men were in the wrong, she wasn't married to anyone.

I find it despicable to sleep with someone who know has a partner. So she wasn't the one who was married, she still knowingly slept with someone else's husband. What a horrid, selfish action.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 9:18pm

Polleta wrote: »

Ok I'm going to be totally different here and say ignoring those niggling feelings is never a good thing.

I'm a firm believer in trusting your gut instinct cos its usually right...

my instinct tells me im on to something good with her. the only problem im having are these poxy little annoying reminders of a past that i had nothing to do with.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Are you sure its not the numbers bothering you? Cause that won't go away until you've slept with enough people to keep your ego happy. That sounds offensive but I don't mean it in a consescending way at all, I'd never enter a numbers conversation with a a girlfriend for this very reason

It is a bit man. Ive accepted that women have more sex than lads as they just get approached more and have more opportunity. i dont want to sleep with loads of people though. i just want these thoughts to stop.

[quote=[Deleted User];59267823]I find it despicable to sleep with someone who know has a partner. So she wasn't the one who was married, she still knowingly slept with someone else's husband. What a horrid, selfish action.[/QUOTE]
that's what i thought. i hate saying this but i kind of saw her in a slightly different light after she told me. the bloke's wife and kids didn't seem to be important. but she really regrets it. im not making excuses for her, im just being honest.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 03-03-2009 9:19pm

[quote=[Deleted User];59267823]I find it despicable to sleep with someone who know has a partner. So she wasn't the one who was married, she still knowingly slept with someone else's husband. What a horrid, selfish action.[/QUOTE]

Can understand to an extent, but lets face it - he'd be sleeping with some other girl if it wasn't the OPs ex. Doesn't make it wonderful, but does make it irrelevent.

Salome · 03-03-2009 9:45pm

She's being open and honest with you OP, I think the past is history and once you're happy with her and she's happy with you, you're on to a winner.

Everyone has a past, the trick is, not to let it dictate your future together.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 10:03pm

Salome wrote: »

She's being open and honest with you OP, I think the past is history and once you're happy with her and she's happy with you, you're on to a winner.

Everyone has a past, the trick is, not to let it dictate your future together.

Yeah you're right. I just need to grow up a little more :P
Thanks for your help everyone!

Problem with partners past.

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