Dad having an affair.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Doing my LC right now and I'm stressed out with so much right now I don't even know where to begin.

Anyway, it all started when I went to fix my dads wireless and I found a site called makefriendsonline on his computer. I was a bit worried but then thought nothing more of it, he was probably just checking it out and stuff but then realised that he had been going out way more than he ever has etc. One day he told me he'd be picking me up late from school because he had to go into town. I was like alright, thinking that maybe he was up to something but then thought nothing of it..until when I asked him what he was doing he stuttered and told me he was looking at 'watch straps'. He never goes into town by himself, ever. I can't remember the last time he's been.

Now, what up to this point seems innocent..wait until I get into a bit more detail. My father never uses a phone, ever. We've always begged him to carry around his phone with him (that we got him as a present once), because if there's an emergency it'd be useful to contact him. Anyway he refused and says he doesn't 'do' phones, so that was that.

One night, he was going across to the shop to buy smokes. My brother also smokes too and pretty much every time my dad asks him if he wants something from the shop. This time he didn't, so after a while when my brother realised he left he followed him over to the shop. It was night time, and he saw a light to his ear - which when he saw my brother come was startled and put it back into his pocket. My brother was sure it was a phone. When they got back, my dad said he had to suddenly go back out again (most likely to explain to whoever why he had to suddenly hang up). When my brother told me, this wasn't good enough for me so I decided to check his coat pocket one night and what did I discover? A new phone in his inside pocket. I couldn't believe it. He never carries a phone around for his own family to call him but he can have one to be discreet about his little affair(s)? My brother also found him on another dating website the other day. He pisses me off so much, acting like family dad when he's here and then doing all this **** behind our backs. It's not the affair that bothers me, it's the fact he's not being honest with anyone about it. I would never harbor a grudge against him for being with someone else as I know my parents marriage has been becoming bland over the years, but I can't forgive him for doing this shít behind all of our backs. He had just gone to the shops recently and took ages, my mom was just saying how he should have a phone and how it's so selfish to his family etc, I almost died inside. What do you think guys?

TLDR/Summary:
- Caught dad on various dating sites.
- Goes out a lot more now.
- Never uses a mobile phone for his family ever.
- Bought a new mobile phone which my brother found him using when he thought he was alone.
- To confirm this I checked his pockets at night and saw the phone.

What should I do? I dunno what to say if I confront him about it. Is it any of my business? I don't want to tell my mom as I don't want her to get hurt.

Overheal

If it were me I'd probably bring it up with him. But you have to remember your big priority is the LC, and you don't need to turn this into a big drama. All it might take is a quiet word to tell him you know, and share your concerns. But damned if you do and damned if you don't: telling him might compel him to come clean (or end it), but leaving him be, it looks as though he's getting sloppy, and before long he will be found out anyway.

dudara

You may be adding 2 and 2 here to get 6. So far he's browsing dating websites (which I think a lot of men do) and he's bought a phone.

Take it easy for now and concentrate on your studies.

Toots

Overheal wrote: »

If it were me I'd probably bring it up with him. But you have to remember your big priority is the LC, and you don't need to turn this into a big drama. All it might take is a quiet word to tell him you know, and share your concerns. But damned if you do and damned if you don't: telling him might compel him to come clean (or end it), but leaving him be, it looks as though he's getting sloppy, and before long he will be found out anyway.

Good advice. I agree with Overheal, I think you should have a word in his ear about it. Purely from the point of view that he certainly seems to be getting careless, and sooner or later will probably slip up. Don't say anything to your mother. There may be some other reason for your father's actions, and really it's not your place to say anything to her anyway. I'd imagine that if your mother finds out for herself that he's cheating (if he is), then there's a good chance that all hell will break loose. You need to realise though, if you tip your father's hand, he may decide that he wants to end his marriage. If you do decide to say anything to him, make it clear that you're not trying to blackmail him or anything and you're not going to tell your mother, just that you've noticed he's up to something and might want to be more discreet. He might have a perfectly good reason for how he's acting.

DublinWriter

When you are growing up you see your parents as almost superhuman figures who can do no wrong.

It's a inevitable point on our learning curve that one day we find out that they do not have the incorruptible qualities that we invested them with when we were children; that they indeed have faults, f*ck up, and can do so quite royally.

That's the time when you realise that, you yourself, are an adult too.

Salome

DublinWriter wrote: »

When you are growing up you see your parents as almost superhuman figures who can do no wrong.

It's a inevitable point on our learning curve that one day we find out that they do not have the incorruptible qualities that we invested them with when we were children; that they indeed have faults, f*ck up, and can do so quite royally.

That's the time when you realise that, you yourself, are an adult too.

That's all very nice etc but it doesn't help the OP as such.

OP, I think you need to think about yourself first and foremost, concentrate on your LC. If you still feel there's something suspicious going on, speak to your dad after you've looked after number 1.

Do your exams, get your own life on track first.

yellowcurl

Concentrate on the LC my dear and deal with the rest afterwards.

If (worst case scenario) he is having an affair, there won't be much that you can do at the moment. He'll eventually slip up and all will be revealed, you don't want to be caught in a case of "shoot the messenger" while you have exams coming up. Do you know where he keeps the box from the phone with the mobile number etc? And where would he get to charge the phone?

These things will eventually be found and will prompt a lot of questions so don't worry about having to be the one to deal with it.

cbreeze

Might be a normal explanation. The guy has been in denial about phones and has now discovered that they are indispensible. Unless he's very ancient most men like gizmos. But he doesn't want to admit it. Might be a work phone. If the radio is on in the room, the phone makes beeping noises to come on it. So if he is the only one with a phone, all will be revealed. Soon.
Its only a phone - concentrate on the LC. If you have worries about the LC you Da might be able to help - he might have gone through what you are going through.

That_Guy

Is there proof of him actually having an affair or this just a hunch you have. I will admit that the phone is a bit weird alright but as much as it's affecting you right now, you should do what a lot of previous posts say and stick to studying.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, that's what I though. No he's definitely having an affair as he's retired and was one night recently drunk talking to my brother about how you should never waste your life and how he was unhappy with my mom.

It just pisses me off because he pretends to be the family dad and I'm like **** off you're having an affair you cúnt.

stovelid

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks guys, that's what I though. No he's definitely having an affair as he's retired and was one night recently drunk talking to my brother about how you should never waste your life and how he was unhappy with my mom.

It just pisses me off because he pretends to be the family dad and I'm like **** off you're having an affair you cúnt.

Whatever the rights and wrongs are (and we're only hearing one side of the story here), your (or anybody's) parents are not infallible.

Just concentrate on your studies for now, and wait and see what transpires. You don't want to screw up your exams for something that may end up being unfounded.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks guys, that's what I though. No he's definitely having an affair as he's retired and was one night recently drunk talking to my brother about how you should never waste your life and how he was unhappy with my mom.

It just pisses me off because he pretends to be the family dad and I'm like **** off you're having an affair you cúnt.

I can't blame you for being angry. If i thought my old man was doing the same I'd kill him. i'd just be thinking of my mam and how much she could get hurt. Any reason goes out the window but that's just irish lads looking after their mammies in our own illogical way.

But I agree with other posters so far. The evidance doesn't look good but it's still fairly thin on the ground so don't say anything. It might be nothing, so just see how it goes. Focus on your own life for a while. This will get sorted one way or another.

The Corinthian

I was in exactly the same situation as you. LC year and discovered my father was having an affair.

Ultimately I said nothing to either of my parents, although he eventually did get caught and this essentially brought my parents' marriage to an end.

Was it the right decision not to get involved? Yes. My having a little word with my father would not have changed anything, other than potentially sour my relationship with him. My telling my mother would have changed nothing other than accelerate their break-up and definitely sour my relationship with my father.

Had he not gotten caught, and it fizzled out, then status quo would have been maintained, my mother would have been none the wiser and left unhurt.

It's a pretty amoral position, I know, but ultimately it's one of those situations in life where no matter what you decide to do someone is going to get hurt. So you choose the road that will cause the least damage and deal with your silence as best you can.

Not a pleasant situation, but such is life.

JJJJNR

You could just ban the site he's on, in internet explorer. That would be a subtle hint.

kaa

i know what your going through. and i was doing my leaving for the second time.

i don't know what advice to give because my mom told me and my brother.

but only think about your leaving because you don't want both your parents wondering why you did so bad.

ya i know it's hard but it is your decision about you and your brother should do. tell your mom or confront your dad and get answers and stuff.

i know you said he said he was unhappy with married life but maybe the on-line chat rooms are just for him to talk 2 other people to forget the problems and using a new phone maybe just for talking to them again. but it is all weird and signs are there but it still could be innocent.

like i said really don't know what advice to give because we were told in my house. but it is upto ye really because ye can't have something bothering ye especially when you got your leaving.