Reasons for cheating

bubblewrap

The other thread has got me wondering apart from his addiction, why else do people cheat?

My bf cheated on his ex (which is why I have my jealousy issues) but he said it was coming to the end and he wasn't happy, which is fair enough but he should have still left first. (She was cheating on him also, I just don't understand it).

Are most cheats just selfish? Do men and women have different reasons for doing it?

sammyv

The excuse that was given to me - 'i have confidence issues, so it made me feel good that other people liked me'....mmmm cheers for passing the confidence issues on to me!!

andyournameis

Are most cheats just selfish????

Nope they are just cowards who can't walk away from a relationship

bubblewrap

That is one other thing that bothers me, my bf was treated appalingly towards the end of his last relationship, she was sleeping with his life long friend and his confidence was rock bottom.....when we first got together, he always told me when a girl chatted him up if he was out etc, he never did anything as far as I know but he said it to show other women wanted him, so I ended up with the issues because of what his ex did to him.

He does regret saying it though, it was really early days before we got serious but things like that stick, ya know?

:rolleyes:

cantdecide

IMO it's simple lack of character and the 'it's okay, I was drunk' thing doesn't cut it...

ManOfMystery

There are many reasons - ego, selfish, lack of love from current partner, IN love with other partner, sexual desire, etc. You can't really pin cheating on any one thing, it's always different in every scenario.

I cheated on an ex once, and had 2 reasons for doing so. 1 - she treated me like absolute crap even though I was very good to her, so I finally snapped and decided it was payback time. 2 - Lack of sex (I only saw her at weekends, which meant she was treating me like crap in a concentrated time period, thus I was very rarely in any kind of mood to be intimate with her).

I'm not proud of it but can't change history. 8yrs later I'm with a fantastic girl who I love, and I would rather cut my own arm off than cheat on her, don't think I could live with the guilt.

ManOfMystery

bubblewrap wrote: »

That is one other thing that bothers me, my bf was treated appalingly towards the end of his last relationship, she was sleeping with his life long friend and his confidence was rock bottom.....when we first got together, he always told me when a girl chatted him up if he was out etc, he never did anything as far as I know but he said it to show other women wanted him, so I ended up with the issues because of what his ex did to him.

He does regret saying it though, it was really early days before we got serious but things like that stick, ya know?

:rolleyes:

Wasn't he just being honest? If I'm out and a girl chats me up, I'll tell my girlfriend later. It's not to make her jealous - it's because I want to be honest and don't want her hearing about it a week later because one of her friends saw me chatting to a girl and got the wrong end of the stick.

bubblewrap

Man of Mystery, you have made me realise my behaviour could be having that effect on my bf. I can be quite horrible because I am insecure and put him through a lot, I need to make him want me and no one else and I know at the moment I am not doing that.

bubblewrap

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Wasn't he just being honest? If I'm out and a girl chats me up, I'll tell my girlfriend later. It's not to make her jealous - it's because I want to be honest and don't want her hearing about it a week later because one of her friends saw me chatting to a girl and got the wrong end of the stick.

Yes, he said he regrets it, he was too honest he says...I should appreciate it, but it is my own low self esteem that read into it wrongly.

wicklori

In my humble opinion, cheating is a sign that all is not wel with the relationship. I would be very surprised to hear that someone in a happy fulfilling relationship cheated.
I think cheating is about looking for something one isn't getting from their own relationship...

ManOfMystery

It's a classic vicious circle.

You're insecure and your insecurities manifest themselves in a negative way - jealousy, possessiveness, etc. Your boyfriend will try and reassure you at first, but ultimately this lack of trust will break him down, you'll both lose the intimacy you have and he'll be more likely to look elsewhere for things that make him happy. And once he starts looking elsewhere, you'll get more insecure. And so on, and so on - it's happened to millions of couples.

You really need to learn to ignore suspicious voices which are in your head and put some trust in your bf ....... focus on the positive things he does rather than waiting for something bad which may never happen. And if he's out without you, don't sit fretting all night - I've done that before with partners. Do something yourself, like goin out with friends or watching a film ..... something to take your mind off things. After a while it will become normal and healthy to spend time doing your own things and trusting each other, and your relationship should be better because of it.

cantdecide

wicklori wrote: »

In my humble opinion, cheating is a sign that all is not wel with the relationship. I would be very surprised to hear that someone in a happy fulfilling relationship cheated.
I think cheating is about looking for something one isn't getting from their own relationship...

I disagree. I think this happens every day. There can be all kinds of reasons why but it's not fair to say that someone has never cheated on their dream girl/ boy just for an additional thrill. It's often just a childish indulgence...

OP, that's exactly the reason my ex gave for cheating on his ex, and it was such a BS and cowardly reason, I had the feeling he'd do the same to me (he did). Some people don't have the balls to end it, or want to check if the grass is greener. In my ex's case, things weren't going great, he was with someone else while he was on holiday, realised he liked me a whole lot better and missed me loads so didn't tell me about the cheating and came back being all nice to me. I found out not long after and dumped him. Idiot.

So I'd be careful if I were you OP. He doesn't sound like he really regrets it and it seems like he thought 'it was coming to the end' was a good reason to cheat. So when/if things get rough in your relationship, what's to say he won't do it again? It's totally different to someone who cheated and has learned from it.

bubblewrap

ManOfMystery wrote: »

It's a classic vicious circle.

You're insecure and your insecurities manifest themselves in a negative way - jealousy, possessiveness, etc. Your boyfriend will try and reassure you at first, but ultimately this lack of trust will break him down, you'll both lose the intimacy you have and he'll be more likely to look elsewhere for things that make him happy. And once he starts looking elsewhere, you'll get more insecure. And so on, and so on - it's happened to millions of couples.

You really need to learn to ignore suspicious voices which are in your head and put some trust in your bf ....... focus on the positive things he does rather than waiting for something bad which may never happen. And if he's out without you, don't sit fretting all night - I've done that before with partners. Do something yourself, like goin out with friends or watching a film ..... something to take your mind off things. After a while it will become normal and healthy to spend time doing your own things and trusting each other, and your relationship should be better because of it.

Thank you so much.

Yes I do sit fretting but not half as bad as I used to.

He has been out a lot lately helping a mate move house, watching football, going for an after work drink etc and all I think is, is he REALLY doing that. I am so sick of it. So is he.

shellyboo

bubblewrap wrote: »

Man of Mystery, you have made me realise my behaviour could be having that effect on my bf. I can be quite horrible because I am insecure and put him through a lot, I need to make him want me and no one else and I know at the moment I am not doing that.

That's pretty unrealistic.

Just because you're in relationship with someone doesn't mean you can stop yourself being attracted to other people. It's a natural instinct that can't be controlled.

What you CAN control is your actions... and if you continue to act insecure, irrational and jealous, you may push him to become the very thing that you're scared of - a cheater.

Now, your bf may never cheat on you, or he might. You can't control that. All you can do is be the best gf you can be and know that YOU are doing the right thing and acting the right way. You have to shape his behaviour with your behaviour... and if you're an excellent, loving trusting gf, why would he go elsewhere? He wouldn't, unless he's a cheating asshole by nature... in which case you wouldn't want to go out with him anyway, right?

wicklori

cantdecide... so for "an additonal thrill" they cheat-therefore not getting enough thrills in their own relationship????

bubblewrap

[quote=[Deleted User];59262859]OP, that's exactly the reason my ex gave for cheating on his ex, and it was such a BS and cowardly reason, I had the feeling he'd do the same to me (he did). Some people don't have the balls to end it, or want to check if the grass is greener. In my ex's case, things weren't going great, he was with someone else while he was on holiday, realised he liked me a whole lot better and missed me loads so didn't tell me about the cheating and came back being all nice to me. I found out not long after and dumped him. Idiot.

So I'd be careful if I were you OP. He doesn't sound like he really regrets it and it seems like he thought 'it was coming to the end' was a good reason to cheat. So when/if things get rough in your relationship, what's to say he won't do it again? It's totally different to someone who cheated and has learned from it.[/quote]



Edited: I am not sure if he regrets cheating on her or not but now he knows how hurtful it is having been on the receiving end, he said he would never put that hurt on me, he better not anyway. :mad:

AARRRGH

I think most serial cheaters have low self esteem. Sleeping with someone is a way of validating their self worth.

Their low self esteem may be eternal, for example, if they come from a bad home, or temporary, if they are in a loveless relationship.

The drunken kiss with a work colleague you fancy is a different matter.

cantdecide

wicklori wrote: »

cantdecide... so for "an additonal thrill" they cheat-therefore not getting enough thrills in their own relationship????

Relationships evolve over time and it's not beyond the realms of belief that one member can yearn for the early 'heart fluttering' days. Simple. Add alcohol and low strength of character and bish bash bosh. This is only one 'reason'...

Having the strength and perspective to recognise what you have and not give in to those irrational thoughts is often the difference between a faithful relationship and something else...

bubblewrap

cantdecide wrote: »

Relationships evolve over time and it's not beyond the realms of belief that one member can yearn for the early 'heart fluttering' days. Simple. Add alcohol.....

I would love to have the heart fluttering days back...but with him. I wouldn't cheat, cheaters are selfish and weak.

LegacyUser

In a lot of cases Wicklori is right, but alas the only people who have it right so far are the ones like ManOfMystery who say there are many reasons. Too many to allow any generalisations alas.

However many cases being right does not make the statement totally right. It is even possible that someone in a completely fulfilled relationship might cheat. A random example from an inexhaustible list is that they might feel scared of losing the relationship. They might feel the relationship is giving them so much and they are not giving a lot back.

A common example of this is the horrible problem that many guys rate their worth based on how many girls want them. If a guy thinks the only girl in the world who is interested in him is the one he is going out with he might begin to feel worthless, like he has nothing to offer and maybe that she has “Settled” for him or something.

In such cases the guy could be sooo happy with the relationship that another girl being into him makes him feel more worthy, like he has more to offer.

Of course I am not saying any of this is rational, forgivable or even makes any sense. I am also far from saying that this is the only reason someone in a happy relationship would cheat either. This is however how some people think and I just thought I would put it forward as a counter example to the notion that if someone cheats there must be something wrong with the relationship itself.

Of all the things the OP has said, I think the most heartening is that this guy told her of his past failings. That’s the first sign that he is likely trying to do it right this time. Maybe the OP regrets him telling her because it has caused her to be scared of it happening again, however like ManofMystery I think this could sometimes cause a self-fulfilling fear… that a constant lack of trust on her part could harm the relationship to the point that it causes the fear to come true.

He was open about his past failings, this is an honest start and one to note rather than to regret. You cant make someone want you and you alone, you just cant. Just be yourself, put a little trust in, and if you are the one for him then you are the one for him. You will never change that. Going to great lengths to make him like you will likely involve doing things out of character, in other words it will make you be someone you are not, which will either fail because you are no longer the person he fell for or it will succeed and he will love the person that you are not which is almost as bad.

ManOfMystery

cantdecide wrote: »

Relationships evolve over time and it's not beyond the realms of belief that one member can yearn for the early 'heart fluttering' days. Simple. Add alcohol and low strength of character and bish bash bosh. This is only one 'reason'...

Having the strength and perspective to recognise what you have and not give in to those irrational thoughts is often the difference between a faithful relationship and something else...

Very well put ............

kaa

bubblewrap wrote: »

The other thread has got me wondering apart from his addiction, why else do people cheat?

My bf cheated on his ex (which is why I have my jealousy issues) but he said it was coming to the end and he wasn't happy, which is fair enough but he should have still left first. (She was cheating on him also, I just don't understand it).

Are most cheats just selfish? Do men and women have different reasons for doing it?

i don't know why people cheat. some people just think that if there are not married it's ok. i don't understand it why they do it. but it does make you think.

i think men and women have different reasons.

i think most men just do it for the sex and i think most women don't really plan it because they don't feel loved or wanted and find it in another man. that's what i think but i know it could be the opposite way around and there might be more reasons.

i do think the cheat is selfish. sure they are only worried about themselves and actually don't care who they hurt and about their feelings.

PeakOutput

all the above are reasons for cheating sure but none are excuses

people are, in general, unreliable, people **** up all the time, people do ****ty things all the time there are still no excuses for it.

i find it way easier to find someone who has cheated than i do someone who has never cheated and says they never will. its also easier to find someone who has cheated and makes excuses for it than someone who has cheated and regrets it

bubblewrap

Do you think it is better for me to live in ignorance then rather than constantly wait for it to happen/imagine it happening?

I have been cheated on by every bloke I have been with, this is my first long term relationship which is why I am so scared of him f*****g it up by doing what everyone else did to me...:(

PeakOutput

bubblewrap wrote: »

Do you think it is better for me to live in ignorance then rather than constantly wait for it to happen/imagine it happening?

I have been cheated on by every bloke I have been with, this is my first long term relationship which is why I am so scared of him f*****g it up by doing what everyone else did to me...:(

iv been cheated on by every girl iv had a longish relationship with, you still gotta give the next one the benefit of the doubt or the relationship wont last as you will be too paranoid to let them live their own life.

AARRRGH

bubblewrap wrote: »

I have been cheated on by every bloke I have been with, this is my first long term relationship which is why I am so scared of him f*****g it up by doing what everyone else did to me...:(

Why do you keep picking bad men? This is something you are subconsciously doing.

You need to think long and hard about why you are doing this. Therapy might help.

Without meaning to sound like Oprah, do you love yourself?

PeakOutput

AARRRGH wrote: »

Why do you keep picking bad men? This is something you are subconsciously doing.

You need to think long and hard about why you are doing this. Therapy might help.

Without meaning to sound like Oprah, do you love yourself?

would you get out of here lol picking bad men? you cant tell if someone is a cheater or not

you cant tell if they have cheated before and even if they have maybe they never will again. if they have never cheated before whos to say its only because they havnt been given the opportunity?

this is not something that you are going to be able to figure out in the first couple of dates or even weeks/months of a relationship in 99% of cases

i was with a girl a year and a half who had never cheated on anyone else as far as i know but she cheated on me, is there something subconsciously in my head telling me a year and a half in advance that this is going tohappen but i dont love myself so this is the girl i want anyway? get real

shellyboo

bubblewrap wrote: »

Do you think it is better for me to live in ignorance then rather than constantly wait for it to happen/imagine it happening?

Honestly? Yes, I do.

bubblewrap wrote: »

I have been cheated on by every bloke I have been with, this is my first long term relationship which is why I am so scared of him f*****g it up by doing what everyone else did to me...:(

Don't project your issues - which you acquired from past bfs - onto this boyfriend. You're not doing either of you any favours. What you have is a self-fulfilling prophecy, you practically expect your partners to cheat on you, and they do.

You need to worry less about HIM effing up the relationship and start looking at the ways in which you're effing it up. Like I said... you cannot control his behaviour, you can only control your own.

Why do you keep picking bad men? This is something you are subconsciously doing.

All types of men (and women) cheat. Most of my male friends have, and they're not 'bad men'.

AARRRGH

PeakOutput wrote: »

would you get out of here lol picking bad men? you cant tell if someone is a cheater or not

I honestly think people can sense when others are trouble. It's not a coincidence certain women constantly choose abusers, and certain men constantly pick women who (subconsciously, at least) want to be abused.


[quote=[Deleted User];59263516]All types of men (and women) cheat. Most of my male friends have, and they're not 'bad men'.[/QUOTE]

OK, maybe "bad men" was a poor choice of words. You can use "men who will treat you badly" in its place.

cantdecide

bubblewrap wrote: »

Do you think it is better for me to live in ignorance then rather than constantly wait for it to happen/imagine it happening?(

Does he know how sensitized to it you are?? ie, does he know it would really devastate you to have it happen again???

G86

You don't know what his relationship was like with his ex, every relationship is different and while I'm not condoning cheating at all - there may have been reasons behind it that you aren't aware of. In my experience, people who love each other don't cheat, its the ones who fall out of love that do.

Regardless of that though, its in his past, and has nothing to do with your current relationship. I can see how it would make you feel insecure, I know I would be, but the fact that he's told you about it shows that he doesn't want to hide anything from you and wants to be open with you.

You just have to trust him, easier said than done I know.

Otis Driftwood

Reason for why people cheat is selfishness.They dont love or respect their partner and thats why they do it.The excuses like "i was drunk" or "the relationship was difficult" or whatever simply dont cut the mustard.1000s of people get drunk and dont cheat,1000s have been in difficult relationships and havnt cheated.If people arent happy in a relationship then they should man up and either tell their partner whats wrong or end it.

JangoFett

Not everyone cheats because of insecurity.

My ex cheated on me and never admitted it. She kicked me out of our house and literally a day later her ex was staying there every night. In the few months I stayed talking to her she still denied it even though her friends said she had cheated.

Some people are just cu.n-ts.

pseudonym1

In the last couple of months, I have found out about friends- and through friends, people wouldnt know that well ,who are cheating.

I cant fathom it! seems to be a control thing or something. Perhaps there is a buzz. 2 of these people I would have precieved to be in a very happy healthy relationship! Always thought if you loved someone enough wouldn t want to be with anyone else
Apparently not!
Perhaps we are just not made to be magnogamous!

Bottle_of_Smoke

People enjoy the excitement of it. Get to have themselves acknowledged as kiss/f*ckable.

This won't be popular but I'd say the main reason is humans have genetic urges to cheat. Men for obvious reasons, unlimited amount of sperm and no pregnancy messing with their bodies to deal with.

The reasons are there for women too. Multiple partners could have provided multiple sources of food and protection in the early human/ape years. Could have found a stable partner to help raise children and got pregnant from the tall handsome guy, her kid gets best of both worlds.

bubblewrap

G86 wrote: »

You don't know what his relationship was like with his ex, every relationship is different and while I'm not condoning cheating at all - there may have been reasons behind it that you aren't aware of. In my experience, people who love each other don't cheat, its the ones who fall out of love that do.

Regardless of that though, its in his past, and has nothing to do with your current relationship. I can see how it would make you feel insecure, I know I would be, but the fact that he's told you about it shows that he doesn't want to hide anything from you and wants to be open with you.

You just have to trust him, easier said than done I know.

He says that, I don't have a clue about his last relationship, he was with her from the age of 19 or something until about 26 so maybe he felt trapped because he never dated. Plus, she was seeing his best mate unbeknownst to him for years.

He is coming up 29 now, he says he has grown up, going out on the pull is behind him he says, lets hope so. There are some of his mates I don't trust but I am hoping they don't lead him astray.

G86

bubblewrap wrote: »

He says that, I don't have a clue about his last relationship, he was with her from the age of 19 or something until about 26 so maybe he felt trapped because he never dated. Plus, she was seeing his best mate unbeknownst to him for years.

He is coming up 29 now, he says he has grown up, going out on the pull is behind him he says, lets hope so. There are some of his mates I don't trust but I am hoping they don't lead him astray.

19 to 26 is a long time, and even longer if you're not happy, maybe he was looking for a way out of it. It wasn't the right way to go about it, but everyone makes mistakes. Its a completely different situation to you and him, you're not cheating on him, and you're both alot older. The life experience you both have is actually probably going to be an asset to you more than anything.

Why don't you trust his mates? Have they given you reason not to? Not liking them and not trusting them are two different things.

bubblewrap

His work mate who he sometimes has a pint with is ok, he is woman mad though but fair play to him, he is 22 and single but I don't want his roving eye rubbing off on my man, one other friend has had a lot of ladies in his time even though he has been with his gf for years, my man says he was only like that before he met his gf but I find it hard to believe, he is just a bit slimy in a way.

My man isn't slimy but is very sociable and am worried once he gets chatting to other women, that it may progress. He is just very chatty and friendly but what if it goes too far? Wish my mind would stop thinking bad thoughts.

kaimera

umm..I can't say exactly why I did; in hindsight I'd been trying to make things fit together to justify it to myself but couldn't.

Looking at where I am now I could possibly say that things wouldn't have worked anyway if they had stayed as they are but swings & roundabouts I guess.

While I get on with things [18 months since it happened] I am extremely aware of what a ****ing **** I was and this nagging fear of it happening again lets me concentrate on work right.

KM56

they are

1)cowards that can't tell their partners the truth bout how they feel
2) selfish because they want it all and don't care about other peoples feelings

LegacyUser

I honestly cheat because I know I'm always going to get away with it. My feelings come above everybody elses to be honest.

bubblewrap

Unregistered wrote: »

I honestly cheat because I know I'm always going to get away with it. My feelings come above everybody elses to be honest.

Why aren't you just single then if you are incapable of emotion?

pseudonym1

Maybe some people are incapable of loving their OH to the extent they love themselves!?

bubblewrap

I truly don't understand people like that, if their OH really is that bad, what is keeping them there? Why not be single and play around?

Maybe they like the deceit, the power of thinking they are clever so use some poor sod to give them that satisfaction...it is pathetic. :rolleyes:

shellyboo

bubblewrap wrote: »

I truly don't understand people like that, if their OH really is that bad, what is keeping them there? Why not be single and play around?

Maybe they like the deceit, the power of thinking they are clever so use some poor sod to give them that satisfaction...it is pathetic. :rolleyes:

Their OH isn't that bad in a lot of cases. Their OH is probably lovely, that's why they keep them around. They just want more, more, more. More attention, more sex.

If you're single and playing around, you don't have a constant source of sex and affection at home - you do if you've got a partner, and then you get your thrills going out to cheat.

I've never cheated, I don't like to think that I would, but I can understand that sort of... narcissistic, self-centred mentality. No empathy, just selfishness. It's pretty nasty.