Getting back with an ex years later..

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I’ll cut right to it. I’m 28 years old. When I was 22 I met an amazing guy and went out for 4 (mostly) happy years. He ended it 2 years ago, he is 31 now.

At the time when he ended it we weren’t very happy. We were fighting all the time and it was mostly about money. Neither of us had well paying jobs and we struggled to pay rent, buy food etc. When he finished things my heart was broken. Deep down I knew it was for the best though and I had actually been planning on ending it myself. Another problem was we spent all our time wrapped up in each other so we both lost contact with all our friends. We were together but extremely alone.

After we broke up we stayed in touch but it tore us both apart. He got a new girlfriend straight away almost and I slept with a guy we both know. I was so hurt he ‘replaced’ me (that’s how I saw it at the time) and he was livid I slept with someone we both knew. Things got messier and messier and I was so unhappy I went on anti-depressants. I never stopped loving him during this time although I did have other boyfriends.

About 3 months ago we got back in touch. We had both just moved to the same area. We met up for drinks and got on so well. Meeting up for pints became a regular occurrance. One night we met up and ended up sleeping together, this also became a regular occurrence. We still had fantastic chemistry and love for each other but it was all very confusing and messy.

One night we were really drunk and he started asking me how many men I’d been with during our break up. I didn’t want to have the conversation but he said he needed to know. I told him six people and he went crazy. In a drunken rage he punched me in the face leaving my cheek badly bruised. I told him I never wanted to see him again.

I’ll wrap this up as it’s getting very long. Since the new year we’ve been back in touch.
He says he loves me more then ever and is deeply sorry for all the pain he caused me. He said he wants to protect me and be there for me. I love him too.

My question is..can exes get back together after years apart and make it work or will there always be jealousy etc?

Also, if a man hits you does it make him a bad person or someone who made a foolish mistake? He hit me 3 times in total in the last 6 years.

Thank you so much for reading, opinions greatly appreciated…

Wibbs

Yes exes can get back together, especially if the time apart was long enough to make the second time relationship a new one and has removed the reasons for the split in the first place and the story of their partnership still has chapters to read. Indeed some of the very best relationships I've known have been like that.

But...... this is a man that has punched you in the face. This is a man that has raised his hand, not once but three times in the original relationship. Even with the time apart, this man has not changed and in the space of very few recent encounters has struck you again. This is not a good healthy man to be around. TBH you feeling that he may be tells me you're not in a particularly healthy place either. Not wishing to get all oprah about this, but you need to stop loving him and start loving yourself more.

buckieburd

He hit you 3 times too many. Cut all contact with him.

how are you?

do it.you have nothing to loose

ellie1

heres an idea: ask him how many women he has been with and for everyone he has been with give him a quick swift kick in the bollxxks.... When he staggers back up ask him how many of these women he has hit and for everyone that he has hit give him a smack in the jaw. he will be in hospital for the amount of smacks and kicks he will get...

Every other women has probably got rid of him for the same carry on but get back with him if you fancy a life of terror, guilt and feeling like ****. he is a bully and is only trying to get back with you because you will put up with it.
How dare he punch you in the face.

You need to tell people what he did to you and go and get some counselling because your self esteem and self respect must be very low if your considering getting back with this pxxxk.

PS: sorry if it sounds harsh.

LegacyUser

how are you? wrote: »

do it.you have nothing to loose

Yeah, apart from your teeth :rolleyes:

If you get back with someone you know has violent tendencies, then you're eventually going to be back here again complaining about your physically abusive partner. Here's your chance to not be a victim.

LegacyUser

Don't get involved with him again, cut all contact. This man is toxic and not good for you at all. Why would you entertain the idea of being with someone who physically hurts you? How is that demonstrative of love? People who love each other truly would never raise a hand to hurt their partner.

I know it won't be easy, it never is when you love someone. But be strong and remember you deserve better than a man who physically abuses you. There are lots of lovely men out there who would never ever dream of hurting a girl. Find one of them and enjoy feeling safe.

He punched u in the face. This shouldn't even be under consideration. Any "man" who hits a woman is no man.

mirwillbeback

Agree with Neil.

Run a mile.

sceptre

Once is too many, that should be enough (or too much if I'm being unclear).

However I'm a fan of the notion that any person can do something incredibly stupid and hurtful once, possibly including hitting someone when they obviously shouldn't. Though I'd like to think it's something that I could never do (I'm pretty sure it's something I could never do).

Whether I'm right or wrong on this is a bit irrelevant - he's hit you three times in six years. I'd walk. I'd run.

Relationships are as much about timing and circumstance as anything else so yes, it's entirely possibly for people who've broken up with each other to get back and make a success of it. But he hit you three times. Short opinion on the specifics of what you're asking? No. No.

reprazant

exandme wrote: »

Hi Guys,

He says he loves me more then ever and is deeply sorry for all the pain he caused me. He said he wants to protect me and be there for me.

Is he going to protect you from himself?

exandme wrote: »

Also, if a man hits you does it make him a bad person or someone who made a foolish mistake? He hit me 3 times in total in the last 6 years.

It makes him a bad person. If it were once, you could try and make excuses saying it was a mistake etc, etc but 3 times? Seriously, walk away. Nothing good will come from it.

LegacyUser

Hmm..so a unamimous no from everyone.

Do you think it's possible that he truly does love me and that the hitting was just drunken mistakes? Do you believe that a man who hits a woman is not capable of love?

Can you hit soemone you love?

How can it feel so loving and how can he seem so genuine but really not love ma at all?
6 years is a long time. Maybe he just hasn't met anyone else yet who he really likes..

Ironbars

He WILL hit you again, if you can live with that by all means try again.........

LegacyUser

I've been hanging around PI for support & advice as I'm finding it really difficult to come to terms with the end of a long relationship. I don't feel I have any advice to offer in PI so I keep schtum but this time I'm moved to comment: OP, your post is shocking: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

LegacyUser

He knows you know he is violent, by accepting this, you are allowing him to keep doing it.

Don't take him back, if he can hit you in the face as a 'friend having a beer' 6 years later then it can only get worse if you take him back.

Beruthiel

exandme wrote: »

In a drunken rage he punched me in the face leaving my cheek badly bruised.

He hit me 3 times in total in the last 6 years

The above two comments mean you should cut ALL contact with this creep and move on with your life.

He says he loves me more then ever and is deeply sorry for all the pain he caused me. He said he wants to protect me and be there for me.

Blah, blah, blah.
Actions speak louder than words OP.
If he actually cared for you and your well being, do you think he'd lay a finger on you?
He's scum.
Any man (or woman for that matter) who lifts a finger to another person is a bully, a coward, not worth the air they breath.

I love him too.

Do you love YOU?
Do you respect yourself?
Do you care enough about yourself to know that you deserve to be with someone wonderful. Someone who couldn't even imagine doing such a thing to you.
If you love yourself enough to expect more from a partner then never, ever, ever see this man again.
In order to stop feeling anything for him, you must not keep in contact. You cannot get over him while you are still thinking or seeing him.

Also, if a man hits you does it make him a bad person or someone who made a foolish mistake?

Hitting someone is not a 'foolish mistake'
He's a piece of dirt and he WILL do it again.

smileykey

He lost you and still didn't learn his lesson about hitting you. If you got back with him, after he hit you again then he's not being given any reason to stop. I wouldn't go there, seems like you were happy enough for the 2 years apart and you can be again.

neuro-praxis

Love is actions, not feelings.

He might have feelings of love for you but his actions have shown that he wants to own and control you, not love you.

Forget him. And don't let any man ever do this to you again.

cocoa

wait... He hit you, someone he's known for a very long time and supposedly loves, not during a heated debate or argument, not after you insulted him as a person or his relatives, not after you attacked someone close to him, but after you answered a question he insisted on asking.

My mind boggles that you can even be considering this, but let me put it this way. Even if we take what is probably the best possible scenario, where he hit you because he feels for you so strongly and because he never stopped caring for you all this time (even though then proceeding to hit that person makes no sense), then even though he cares about you, he's still in a very unhealthy and angry place and you will be much, much better off without him.

I really can't see any way of justifying hitting someone who hasn't done anything wrong, who never did anything to hurt you.

Mr. Incognito

You must be CRAZY!.

Stay away from this man. You want to get over him CUT ALL CONTACT.

Did you telll your close friends and family he hit you? I bet not as you know how they'd react.

God woman, wake up.

MagicMarker

If you take him back make sure he's dressed accordingly at all times.

Seriously, cut contact with him altogether, you'd be an absolute fool to go back to him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far. They mean alot and are shocking me into sitting upright and smelling the coffee.

Can I just ask, if there are any men out there who have hit a woman and are deeply sorry and did love that woman? I knwo it's not an easy thing to admit even anonymously but I'd be very interested to hear. It happens all the time to woman and to a lesser degree men..

Beruthiel

exandme wrote: »

Can I just ask, if there are any men out there who have hit a woman and are deeply sorry and did love that woman?

Honey you are trying to find the last straw to clutch onto.
This isn't the movies, life doesn't exist through rose tinted glasses.
This is real and stats prove over and over again that this kind of scum never stop. What they do is get worse over time until you end up in hospital or worse...
Call any womens refuge and ask them what they think.
You've had a very lucky escape, count your lucky stars and get the hell away from him.

sammyv

I'm sure he does actually love you. But he is an angry person, you will never be able to fix that.

Ask yourself this...do you mind that he hits you, is this why things finished the first time?
Has he ever said he would get help?

exandme

exandme wrote: »

Hmm..so a unamimous no from everyone.

Do you think it's possible that he truly does love me and that the hitting was just drunken mistakes? Do you believe that a man who hits a woman is not capable of love?

Can you hit soemone you love?

How can it feel so loving and how can he seem so genuine but really not love ma at all?
6 years is a long time. Maybe he just hasn't met anyone else yet who he really likes..

U know what, I love my girlfriend and never in a million years would I hit her no matter how pissed off at them I was.


Even my male best mates, I've had some arguments with them over the years and the furthest it's ever gone was name calling and maybe a push, at which point we both copped on and said "sorry man, this is too far". If he was any kind of a man he would have known to walk away long before "the rage" kicked in.

The fact that its happened more than once is, frankly, despicable. You could almost legislate for one if he truly learned his lesson but he learned nothing.

I've done some bad thinsg ocne in my life, and the guilt I felt after determined that I'd never do those things again whther I was drunk, high, sober, angry, sad etc. If he was truly remorseful then it wouldn't have happened the corresponding 2 times.


Stay the hell away from him. Do yourself a favour and have some more self respect and don't settle for someone who isn't good enough for you.

andyournameis

this is a man that has punched you in the face. This is a man that has raised his hand, not once but three times in the original relationship. Even with the time apart, this man has not changed and in the space of very few recent encounters has struck you again. This is not a good healthy man to be around. TBH you feeling that he may be tells me you're not in a particularly healthy place either. Not wishing to get all oprah about this, but you need to stop loving him and start loving yourself more.[/quote]

I agree with the above.....Run as fast as you can, I had the same problem with an ex boyfriend before, and it was an on/off relationship too... Who does he think he is has punched you in the face and you are feeling sorry for him and you are thinking of taking him back are you bloody mad!! ... I see all the signs they are coming back to me... they make you feel so special, all about you,you spend all you spare time with them, then all the friends stop calling over, you start loosing your confidence,then the control starts followed by the abuse... it finally took 4 years to get away from all that.. I know what I'm talking about he is like a drug to you, you have to have him, but please just walk away he knows that he has hit and he knows he can get away with it, it will keep going on and on
Since I have finished with my ex.I feel so confident and happy again, I couldn't never go back there in a million years,when you fully walk away I promise you, you will never want to turn back......

Locamon

Things will only get worse and I suspect you know this in your heart and soul, why else did you only get back with this guy under the influence? As a parting gesture suggest he gets help. Why hasn't he sought help already, you are not talking about a one off -this guy has a problem.

Nothing justifies this kind of behavior -make the break and if he calls you or approaches you make it clear you will report him to the Gardai who are very helpful in this area. Talk to a close family member or friend in confidence it should help you realise just how bad the situation is.

LolaLuv

OP, sounds like you're hanging onto the hope that this guy really loves you and is capable of reform. I don't know about your man, but I was in an abusive relationship for four years and always held on because I thought he was loving me to the best of his ability, and how can you ask more from a person than that? I still don't know if he did love me, but it doesn't matter any more. Abusers can't love you in any way that's going to be meaningful or supportive or enduring. I also thought it was my fault he hit me, that I drove him to it. Maybe I did, but the fact remains that if my having an opinion is going to make someone that mad, we're fundamentally incompatible anyway.

I'd encourage you to get as far away from him as possible. No more having sex, no more talking. You have to realize you can live your life without him. It sounds like it's been a pretty tumultuous relationship so you'll probably have a lot of stuff to sort out once you stop loving him. It's been over two years since I got out of my abusive relationship and I'm still rebuilding. Good luck.

kaa

exandme wrote: »

Hi Guys,

I’ll cut right to it. I’m 28 years old. When I was 22 I met an amazing guy and went out for 4 (mostly) happy years. He ended it 2 years ago, he is 31 now.

At the time when he ended it we weren’t very happy. We were fighting all the time and it was mostly about money. Neither of us had well paying jobs and we struggled to pay rent, buy food etc. When he finished things my heart was broken. Deep down I knew it was for the best though and I had actually been planning on ending it myself. Another problem was we spent all our time wrapped up in each other so we both lost contact with all our friends. We were together but extremely alone.

After we broke up we stayed in touch but it tore us both apart. He got a new girlfriend straight away almost and I slept with a guy we both know. I was so hurt he ‘replaced’ me (that’s how I saw it at the time) and he was livid I slept with someone we both knew. Things got messier and messier and I was so unhappy I went on anti-depressants. I never stopped loving him during this time although I did have other boyfriends.

About 3 months ago we got back in touch. We had both just moved to the same area. We met up for drinks and got on so well. Meeting up for pints became a regular occurrance. One night we met up and ended up sleeping together, this also became a regular occurrence. We still had fantastic chemistry and love for each other but it was all very confusing and messy.

One night we were really drunk and he started asking me how many men I’d been with during our break up. I didn’t want to have the conversation but he said he needed to know. I told him six people and he went crazy. In a drunken rage he punched me in the face leaving my cheek badly bruised. I told him I never wanted to see him again.

I’ll wrap this up as it’s getting very long. Since the new year we’ve been back in touch.
He says he loves me more then ever and is deeply sorry for all the pain he caused me. He said he wants to protect me and be there for me. I love him too.

My question is..can exes get back together after years apart and make it work or will there always be jealousy etc?

Also, if a man hits you does it make him a bad person or someone who made a foolish mistake? He hit me 3 times in total in the last 6 years.

Thank you so much for reading, opinions greatly appreciated…

well peole do saying absence makes the heart grow founder.
maybe ye needed the time apart so ye could get back to your real selves.

since ye broke up i shouldn't matter how many people you kissed, slept or went out with because it was your life.

hitting once is a mistake. twice not so much but three times girl f*** that. what if ye did get together and the hitting happens more and more often. wot if in the future ye have kids and they see him hit you??

can i ask you something??? if some else posted your thread, honestly what would say to that person??

i know it's hard to make a decison cause you are crazy about him but girl you safety is more important. friends and family would be worried sick about you. these are all things to consider too hun.

well thats all i really have to say. but if ye do get back together i hope everything works out for you xxx.

vandermeyde

Beruthiel wrote: »

Honey you are trying to find the last straw to clutch onto.
This isn't the movies, life doesn't exist through rose tinted glasses.
This is real and stats prove over and over again that this kind of scum never stop. What they do is get worse over time until you end up in hospital or worse...
Call any womens refuge and ask them what they think.
You've had a very lucky escape, count your lucky stars and get the hell away from him.

Unfortunately Beruthiel she's not made an escape at all. She had the chance to but she didn't. If she's spending every reply in this thread trying to clutch at straws to find some kind of way to excuse him I think its safe to say that once he gets her on the phone/meets her, he'll flutter the eyelids, tell her he loves her and back around goes the circle again.

You WILL get back with him op, your self esteem and self worth are so low that you've convinced yourself that this guy is for you, BUT, he WILL hit you again, it'll probably get more prevalent and will rely less on alcohol, he will try to control you and this will get worse over time. You will never "change" him. I hope you wake up enough to smell the coffee and sever all contact with him but I'm afraid experience has told me that you won't.

banshee_bones

Run a mile.

Hit me once, shame on you,
Hit me twice,shame on me.

Seriously. i think you are clutching at straws. Move on, and get away from this guy. There are plenty of great,loving,caring guys out there that would never lay a finger on you, sober or drunk.

jellie

if a friend came to you with this problem what would you tell her? be honest with yourself & ignore the fact that its your ex. if your friend told you someone had hit her - several times - you would be telling her to run away as fast as she can.

its hard to separate your feelings for the man you want him to be (possibly the man that he can be most of the time) & the man that he is being. but where do you see it going? do you think that he really wont hit you again? if hes hitting you for answering a question he asked, imagine his reaction to something bigger?

run away from him & cut contact.

t-ha

exandme wrote: »

Can I just ask, if there are any men out there who have hit a woman and are deeply sorry and did love that woman? I knwo it's not an easy thing to admit even anonymously but I'd be very interested to hear. It happens all the time to woman and to a lesser degree men..

Only if I was asked to.

Seriously though, if you love someone then you'ld do anything to shield them from pain, not inflict it yourself. I'm no psychiatrist, but IMO if a guy hit you because you were with other people AFTER he broke up with you then he probably sees you more like a possession than a partner.

Wibbs

vandermeyde wrote: »

Unfortunately Beruthiel she's not made an escape at all. She had the chance to but she didn't. If she's spending every reply in this thread trying to clutch at straws to find some kind of way to excuse him I think its safe to say that once he gets her on the phone/meets her, he'll flutter the eyelids, tell her he loves her and back around goes the circle again.

You WILL get back with him op, your self esteem and self worth are so low that you've convinced yourself that this guy is for you, BUT, he WILL hit you again, it'll probably get more prevalent and will rely less on alcohol, he will try to control you and this will get worse over time. You will never "change" him. I hope you wake up enough to smell the coffee and sever all contact with him but I'm afraid experience has told me that you won't.

I reluctantly have to agree with vandermeyde on this one. I could damn near write the script of what comes next. I've seen it far too many times for comfort with far too many women I've known.

IMHO women in general are more emotionally in tune, they're generally better at playing emotional games too. Men, particularly some men are very good at emotional control. It's almost instinctive with some of them. What's also uncanny is these same mens ability to spot a victim who is also insecure. Of course it's not so uncanny, they smell the insecurity in others, that hangs on their own heart like a stench.

It all stems from insecurity in their own masculinity. Hence when you told him how many men you had slept with while apart(none of his biz BTW), he heard "those men were better than me. Those men had bigger willies and were better lovers. I'm losing control of what I thought was my possession. This has hit me right in my most insecure place!". Now a lot of men may feel that at least partially, but few would take it to heart to that degree. Even fewer would take that internal insecurity and lash out and punch the woman.

There is no love there. There is no love within him for himself. How the hell can you expect him to truly love anyone else? How can you expect him to love you, if you don't see this for what it is?

You say you're attracted to him. That's a big factor too. If you fancy him to this degree, I would almost guarantee you'll go back to him. Actually no almost about it. Your crotch and your heart will ignore your own good sense and bring you back to this time and time again.

Lets break it down really simply. If someone walks up to me and kicks me in the family jewels. At the same time they tell me they love me. Which should I believe?

I'm gonna say this and I don't think I'll be popular for saying it, but I frankly don't care: Many will say you're the victim in this. I would agree the first time. I would even agree the second time. After you were apart and he does this yet again? No. If you do go back and this "man" strikes you again, then it won't be his fault, it will be yours. Please prove me wrong. If you do, I'll be a very happy man for being wrong.

4Xcut

exandme wrote: »

In a drunken rage he punched me in the face leaving my cheek badly bruised.

Hitting you once, although absolutely horrible and in no way excuseable, could be possibly, in some light, seen as a once off. There is the attitude that if he hits you once he'll do it again, not always true(doesn't make the one time right though).

However, he has demonstrated that he will do it again. It wasn't a once off, it is something he will do if pushed far enough. Personally, I would advise you to have nothing further to do with him. Tell him plain and simple that although you love him, you would not feel safe.

If you are thinking about gettin back with him, please ask yourself one question. Is this the sort of person you want to raise children with. What if he hits one of them? What if he starts hitting you and you stay with him?

What ever you decide to do, please realise that it may be your decision now, but others(i.e. children) may have to deal with it in a few years.

LegacyUser

Be thankful that it is over. You both need void fillers at this moment, but he is just the wrong guy for it. You broke up for a reason, and him hitting you is another reason to stay clear of him.

A man who hits a woman is not a man. He was angry with you for the amount of guys you've slept with over 2 years, but it doesn't excuse him punching you.

Otis Driftwood

Echo the sentiments of everyone OP.Run a mile from this bully.The most recent incident you got away with a briuse on your cheek.What would he be sorry for next,a couple of broken teeth,maybe a nice concussion?IMO a leopard (or in this case the cowardly lion) cannot and obiously has not changed his spots.You are better off without this jerk,history or no history.

CDfm

I have to agree that a punch in the face should earn him a Darwin Award and exclude him from the gene pool.:mad:

What madness possessed you guys to discuss former lovers. Total madness all around here. The Punch is understandable but inexcusable.

linola_c

Agreed he will hit you again. Don't accept this - stick up or yourself and be strong!!

Jealousy point - yes imo it will totally destroy you two. Personally, it would eat me up!You will always be wondering why he chose those girls!what bout the girlfriend he got soon after u broke u????4 years together and straight into another relationship!!!!

Get rid and try to move on!!xxx

LegacyUser

To exandme: you need to go to your GP as soon as possible because you are suffering from Battered Women's syndrome.
I know this because I had it myself. I thought battered women got beaten to a pulp every day...some do BUT the majority get lashed out at by their men causing bruises etc.
The first time he did this I made an excuse for him..and he WAS a good man 99% of the time. But the other 1% was terrible.
It started out once a year then got more frequent. He would be so sorry afterwards..and he WAS sorry. I lived through it and it might go months and months before it happened in an arguement again.
Please do not keep seeing this man.
I married mine and had to leave when our child started to witness it.
It took me YEARS to love myself, to realise that NO MATTER what I had done a man who lays a hand on a woman is NO GOOD.
There is no justification for it at all. You are starting to have the symptoms I had..his abuse is making you ill to the point that you DO NOT love YOU.
Please leave him IMMEDIATELY. Go and get support from women's aid because it will take you time to recover,and you need support. Hugs to you

gagomes

C'mon OP, are you being serious about this question? Seriously, are you?

I can't simply understand why so many women tend to like men who hit them aggressively. It's no wonder why guys like me and, say, copper23 on this forum (and surely tons of other men) wonder why so many good women always fall with the wrong men. Give yourself a chance to be happy for once, look for the right man - not the one with the biggest pocket or the biggest willy (not that your post implies your ex had any of these) and be sober enough when going on dates.. guess a woman who gets a man who's hitting them, is likely to get another just like it, because of the power of attraction (it almost feels like I'm reading The Secret, eh), one thing relates to another, but anyway, good luck, it's ultimately your decision... even though I believe you're not being very wise, I completely understand you may actually still love him, which is something you should work towards forgetting. IMO.

CDfm

Domestic violence is one of societies dirty little secrets and have both male and female perpetrators in equal numbers.

Dump the guy.

Ginny

Please please do not get back with him, if he hit you once he will hit you again, he's already shown that.
Please talk to your friends about what has happened,get support from the people closest to you.
Of course he'll promise he'll never do it again, but what has he done to address what happened?
Has he gone to a counsellor etc.?

You had a lucky escape already, do not get dragged back into this relationship.

yellowcurl

Cut contact completely, it will hurt you at the start but it will begin to feel better. No one deserves to be punched/hit. He says he loves you, but clearly not enough to refrain from hitting you.

Awayindahils

I'm not going to get into the violence. It was wrong and you know it was wrong. You haven't got the fallback of he won't do it again.

However the title of your PI is that you want to get back together after years apart. You haven't been apart for years. You went out for 4 years, its 2 years later. Out of those two years it appears that you spent maybe a year, or a year and a bit properly out of contact. The contact you have been in hasn't been productive. You don't mention having had a relationship- have you tried moving on to something real? Not just sleeping people.

If you apply the silly rule of half the time you went out to get over the relationship, you are only just there. You have been in quite a lot of contact. I personally would consider 3 or more years of minimal to be years of no contact. Years later could be 10 or 15, its not 2. It just isn't.

blondiegirl

If a guy hit me he would know about it i think if you get back together with him you are insane. He is a coward. Run, there are plenty of guys out there!