A break - good idea bad idea?

LegacyUser

hi all, just want to get opinions n the whole going on a break issue.
iv been going out with my girlfriend 2 and half years, we were very good friends beforehand so we were very close. she had plans to travel before we got together, so she travelled the world and before she left, we decided that we would stay together and make it work. we ring/text at least twice a day so our contact is very regular. iv travelled to meet her aswell, and shes coming home ina few months.
like most couples we fight from time to time, we say what we have to say and they are usually resolved within a day or so.
shes started telling me thats shes thinkin abour our future, and needs time to decide what she really wants. as a result, she wants to go on a break. she also maintains our fights are taking it out of her.i hate the idea of breaks, i think they are a cowards way of wanting out of a relationship.but im mad about this girl,so i feel iv little choice about the matter.
what should i do, should i stick to my guns and say ur either with me or ur not or shud i agree to a break and hope she decides what she wants?

That_Guy

I went out with a girl for a year and she suggested a break which I agreed to. Unfortunately I received a text from her saying that it was over.

Being on a break tells me that it's over unfortunately. It could work out but most times it just means that it's over. It's not fair for one or the other being strung along wondering if and when the break will be over.

I hope it works out for you though. Prove me wrong.

LegacyUser

i just dont understand where its all coming from, we are so close and really looking forward to when she comes home. we were making some plans together and everything.i know she loves me, and she knows i love her, so why throw up such a horrible thing.im in bits over it.

dMaN24

For me a break is the same as, in this case, found someone else. Atleast that's my experience of when the other part want's "a break".

It's a bit of a cowards way, again i might be completely wrong here, to fool around and come to terms with the security she feels with you and then just comes along and ask you for giving it a second go.

Or she might just feel crowded up and needs some space on her own.

But my guess is that "having a break" is supposed to be easier to say than "it's over" since that is more definite.

But i'm with previous poster and i hope i'm wrong.

Lucy Lu

Yes, unfortunately sometimes a break means the end but you will never fully know until you both talk about it honestly.

Going traveling can change many things.

Sometimes a break works, most times it doesn't

Good luck with the talk and out come.

Sephiroth_dude

Breaks suck ass,me and my ex were on a "break"for the last couple of months,she broke up with me last sunday ,just let her be and let her have her space dont smother her,head out with your friends and have a laugh and try and take your mind off it and when shes ready she'll talk to you,hope it works out for ya.

LegacyUser

i cant see how things could be too crowded, shes half a world away, we talk or text and thats it. we were getting on soo well together.
i honestly dont think there is someone else. this idea has only come up in the past 3days.

Sephiroth_dude

what I meant was dont txt or ring her all the time,let her do the contacting the ball is in her court now.

Loxosceles

Unregistered wrote: »

what should i do, should i stick to my guns and say ur either with me or ur not or shud i agree to a break and hope she decides what she wants?

Well if she feels she hasn't seen enough of the world, I suspect she is having a grass-is-greener type of thing. Unfortunately that's a load of nonsense, but a lot of women have that complex and it takes a serious dose of observation and ego-smackdown for a woman with that issue to learn how to value what she has. Usually too late. Especially if you're a devoted, hardworking and decent partner.

I should know, I'm one of those recipients of the royal holy Ego Smackdown. What you may want to do is find a relationship counselor post haste who will help both of you and bring her back down to reality instead of wishing for things that aren't real, if you explain to the counselor what you're concerned about.

There's nothing wrong with travel as long as you know how good things are at home, and she needs to know how good she has it, how much you love her and how rare that is. Because care and support does not have a neverending supply, as I had learned to my detriment, it has to be fed by her and not expected to fall in her lap as some sort of romantic ideal. Love takes work.

LegacyUser

cant do councelor im afraid, we are on opposite side of the world rite now.shes after telling me (via txt) she hasnt an answer for me, she wants her space, and she understands if i want to finish it.iv my god but im hurting so much rite now.

hay guys, thanks for all the replys and words of encouragement, i do appriciate it..

dMaN24

Unregistered wrote: »

cant do councelor im afraid, we are on opposite side of the world rite now.shes after telling me (via txt) she hasnt an answer for me, she wants her space, and she understands if i want to finish it.iv my god but im hurting so much rite now.

hay guys, thanks for all the replys and words of encouragement, i do appriciate it..

That right there gives me bad vibes...

She gives you the opportunity to break it up. Which to me sounds like she's already made her mind up. Otherwise she would struggle a bit more i think. :(And since you would be the one breaking up, she would "feel better" knowing she wasn't the one taking the decision.

LegacyUser

now shes confusing me even moreso.
shes saying she wants to see wats its like wen she comes back.
she wants to figure out a solution
she wants her space.
iv told her i wont do a break, ill give her space,
but im not waiting around forever.

honeslty i think shes all over the place at da mo.

LegacyUser

and thats how it was left lastnite,
is it possible shes waitn 4me get so frustrated waiting for her 2decide datl ill be da one who says we should end it?
or does she really want time to decide?
surely most people know if they want to be with sum1 or not.

Das Kitty

Unregistered wrote: »

now shes confusing me even moreso.
shes saying she wants to see wats its like wen she comes back.
she wants to figure out a solution
she wants her space.
iv told her i wont do a break, ill give her space,
but im not waiting around forever.

honeslty i think shes all over the place at da mo.

Yep, she's trying to keep her options open! Don't be her safety net.

LegacyUser

so what to do here?
i dont want to be a safety net, but my options seem limited

Wibbs

Ok now this is me, but if someone wants space, I give it to them. All the space they want. Time is precious. The most precious thing you possess, so for me wasting that time on someone who isn't willing to meet halfway or is wishy washy about our relationship is pointless. I also start to move on with my life, however hard that may be at the time.

As it stands, she is dictating the pace of this relationship. She's asking for a break for whatever reason and also asking for you to hang around as a safety net in case the break doesn't pan out for her. You do this and it's not unlikely you'll get the dear John email in a few months time entitled "I've met someone else" etc. IMHO her dictating this and you going along with it or pushing her for a commitment one way or the other will drop her interest in you, if any remains.

If it was me, the next time she calls, I would tell her in a calm way "fine, yes I think we need a break. I agree with you. The fights were irritating me too. If we're not prepared to work on this together, then it's best if we take this break and see where this takes us.". I would then ease right back on contact with her. Let her do all the running. After all she called for the break so why should you do the running?

Then I would consider this relationship over. If only for the moment. Get out there, meet other women, see how you go. If she wants you she will come to you.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

so what to do here?
i dont want to be a safety net, but my options seem limited

I disagree. Don't sell yourself short or pin your hopes on another. Especially someone moving away from you. Our natural reaction to someone moving away is to move after them. It may be natural, but its not that healthy. Your options are not limited. Quite the opposite in fact. You've the option to move on learn from this and build your life in another direction. If she wants to be a part of that and you moving away from her is much more likely to make her want to be part of that, then that's cool. If she doesn't then that's her loss and another womans gain.

LegacyUser

thanks guys i see ur points.
i should be looking after no.1 here. my heart feels like its being knotted around itself.god knows if i go yet another sleepless night ill go mad,and as regards my concentration levels for college are out the window at the mo.i see that she is dictating the pace of things and dats very unfair to me.but im hoping against hope i guess as i do feel very strongly for her. in all the time shes ben away, i had ample opportunity to go off with sum1 but i just would never ever do dat.i have remained completely faithfull to her whereas if i look back on anything previous to her,i may have been slightly more flighty about my relationship.
in a weird way, i want 2 be here for her,she seems to be going thru all this badly.shes telling me shes not eating, not sleeping, and is in a very messed up space.my natural instint is to want to help her.
iv told her i think wat we have is great, it doesnt happen everyday,that we are close,wen wer together we get along great,we have a stong bond and im not going to just walk away from it..but at the same time,im not waiting forever-and she agrees with everything i say..she just keeps saying she needs space.
its all very confusing right now.

Loxosceles

Unregistered wrote: »

we have a stong bond and im not going to just walk away from it..but at the same time,im not waiting forever-and she agrees with everything i say..she just keeps saying she needs space.
its all very confusing right now.

Then just set a time limit. Give her 6 months to go off for the summer and sort herself out, and if this includes sex with someone else then that's fine because better that, than her cheating on you 10 years down the line because she felt she missed something. But if she goes over the time limit, you won't be willing to give her a second chance.

If you're a guy, chances are you had more sex before her, and she didn't. So you had a chance to figure out what kind of woman you want. But she doesn't know what kind of man she wants. Give her 1 sexual fling no-questions-asked for free before she makes a decision, just so she will have had the same freedom you did before meeting her. Capis? That may make things equal, at least in her mind, regarding freedom and space, and you may end up with someone much more willing to provide commitment.

But stick to the time limit without mercy, I'd say.

beth-lou

You can't make her feel any different than she does now.
Don't waste your time trying to change her mind.
Accept the break, tell her that you will explore the single life too, and see what happens when she comes back.
Don't offer her anything more.

I'd say she's enjoying her freedom and wants to be free to act upon it while she's travelling. No amount of pleading or begging can make this go away and you just have to let her go and hope that she will come to understand what she has with you.

I'm sorry for your predicament, but there reallyisn't anything you can do other than hold on to your self respect.
Call her bluff and tell her that's it. The more you push her, the more she might pull back.

bertson

Dude, I know it's hard, you are caught between a rock and a hard place. From what I have read this is a very similar experience I had when I was in college. Bird goes to Boston for the summer, all hunky dorry etc. After a month she wants a break.

Now, that was really code for, 'Im seeing someone else, and it might work out, but I will keep you dangling as a safety net"

My Advice. Tell her you agree to the break. And tell her you understand blah blah. Change your mobile number and then get yourself out and about to meet young ladies and attempt to sow some wild oats.

If when she comes back, and it works out, then that's great. If not, you will be over it by then.

I know you feel like a bag of warm p**s right now, but get out and about with your mates and enjopy your college life, instead of pine-ing for some long lost love

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks guys i see ur points.
i should be looking after no.1 here. my heart feels like its being knotted around itself.god knows if i go yet another sleepless night ill go mad,and as regards my concentration levels for college are out the window at the mo.i see that she is dictating the pace of things and dats very unfair to me.but im hoping against hope i guess as i do feel very strongly for her. in all the time shes ben away, i had ample opportunity to go off with sum1 but i just would never ever do dat.i have remained completely faithfull to her whereas if i look back on anything previous to her,i may have been slightly more flighty about my relationship.
in a weird way, i want 2 be here for her,she seems to be going thru all this badly.shes telling me shes not eating, not sleeping, and is in a very messed up space.my natural instint is to want to help her.
iv told her i think wat we have is great, it doesnt happen everyday,that we are close,wen wer together we get along great,we have a stong bond and im not going to just walk away from it..but at the same time,im not waiting forever-and she agrees with everything i say..she just keeps saying she needs space.
its all very confusing right now.

My humble? Ok I see where you're confused, but I don't buy her confusion as much. I would buy that she doesn't know what she wants. I would buy that she feels guilty about that. I would by that that guilt is coming across as wanting or appearing to want the same as you. That's how she comes across to me.

Of course because you want one thing and she appears to want another, you may interpret it as similar to your feelings. I say it's not. For one crucial difference; she's the one looking for a break. That to me says that she thinks something is broken in your relationship. That's the nub of it. The rest is window dressing.

It boils down to this. What is she saying and what are her actions saying? "I love you, I miss you, I'm not eating/sleeping etc". That's what she's saying. What is she doing? Shes moving away from your relationship. She's looking for you to give her permission to do so, while asking for you to wait for her. Eh nope. Now it could happen that she gets this out of her system, but it's equally likely, if not more so, that she'll hook up with another and you'll get the "Dear John" call. Personally I would be asking what kicked this off too.

Now it's natural that you want to be there for her. We've all been there, but my take with that guff well behind me, is that I'll be there for someone only if they're there for me. End of. Goes for mates too. Romantic relationships even more so. If a woman leaves me, it will upset me if I've emotionally connected with her, I will wish her the very best, but if she leaves or acts non committal, then she loses the privilege of me being there for her, beyond common courtesy and how I would deal with anyone else. If someone wants to be with me then that's her choice and she(and I) get the mutual benefit of that. If she wants to leave well that's her choice too, but I personally will not emotionally invest further in a relationship that is looking down the barrel of bankruptcy.

Do what others have suggested. Give her all the space she wants. Go out again socially, but don't rebound on someone that doesn't need that. Have fun. Start to be just you again. Move on. If she wants to move with you fine, if she doesnt also fine. Better to start today than later.

Epicpriest

this probably means "it's over". possibly someone else has caught her eye and made her think that "well if im looking at this person, it might mean im not really in love with my bf" or something of that nature. The best thing you can do although you might find it impossible is to be sensible,

tell her if it's space she needs then she should have it, try to wait for her to contact you, if you get drunk and start texting/ringing her it will only fuel the fire of her being crowded and it will end up being the reason why she broke up with you. Whereas if you play it cool and be supportive and give her time then she can't use you not understanding what she wanted as a reason.

please try to listen to my advice, this exact thing happened to me before. i messed it up by kind of not accepting that it was maybe over, and making it definitely over by pretending nothing was wring and kept ringing etc.

LegacyUser

hi again guys,

ok now im getting confused completely.

so we left the textin the other nite agreed that we were still together,and that i would give her all the space she needs,and when shes ready she would make contact. so despite checkin my fone every two mins since,iv managed not to contact her.and it has been killing me. i havent eaten properly, havent slept properly,its been hell.

im just after getting a text saying goodnite(shes in oz) shes thinking of me, and she will ring ina few days..kiss kiss..

i cant help but get my hopes up..can anybody bring me back down to earth here.

LegacyUser

dont know where my earlier post is but
i have made the informed decision not to text her back

LegacyUser

hi all, thanks for advice,

so we left it on sunday nite agreed that for now we are still together, but i will give her space, and when shes ready,she will make contact.(i know,shes dictating the relationship,im not really standing up for myself but i went along with it thinking if im understanding during this time,it may stand to me)so iv been sleeping a lot less since,eating a lot less and trying my best not to make contact.

i got a text today from her saying goodnite(shes in oz) shes thinking of me, and she will ring me soon, kiss kiss..

anybody have any thoughts?

im trying not to get my hopes up, but im failing badly at the mo..

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

dont know where my earlier post is but
i have made the informed decision not to text her back

Unregistered posts don't appear until approved by a moderator.

Moderators have lives outside boards.ie and aren't paid to be here.

LegacyUser

understood..
apologies all round..

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

understood..
apologies all round..

Not a bother. :0

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

i know,shes dictating the relationship,im not really standing up for myself but i went along with it thinking if im understanding during this time,it may stand to me

Now this entirely my humble here and people may well disagree.... Being understanding is a good thing. But there comes a point where you can be too understanding. In my experience if one person is dictating the relationship too much it puts even more pressure on them. This is not good. You can still be understanding while still having boundaries about how far you will take what someone is offering. Indeed I have often found that being too understanding increases the chances of someone running with that and leaving, even if they were in two minds in the first place.

so iv been sleeping a lot less since,eating a lot less and trying my best not to make contact.

The latter no contact bit is good. Let her do the running.

The first two are not good. OK look at it another way... when you pair first met, were you sleeping less, eating less and generally moping around? Nope, you were not. You being at your best is what helped her fall for you. Would she fall for you now in your current state? Would any woman? You see where I'm going with this? The more relaxed, the more fun, the more you appear to have options, the more secure you are, the more she'll think twice and be attracted to you. I don't mean be dismissive if she rings you. I mean be your usual self as much as poss. Be the man she fell for in the first place. No one is going to miss someone moping around, nearly as much as someone who isn't. Don't even do it for her. Do it for yourself.

Realise that these bad feelings will pass sooner or later and regardless of whether she leaves you or not. Clearly if she leaves you're gonna feel shíte for a while, but that too will pass.

realise also that there will be other women and other women will want you and find you attractive. Other women that you may feel deeper emotions for than this woman. I know you may not feel that's the case now, but it is.

Realise that if she does leave she is losing you too. She would be losing the future with you and that could very well be a bad thing for her.

LegacyUser

right so, i havent replyed to her text, she said she will ring in a few days time.ill wait till then.and let her come to me and see what she has to say.and when she rings ill try being myself and not sounding needy and that..is that the best way to go?
and in the meantime, get stuck into more immediately important issues such as college and that..and continue to not make any contact.
bloody tough going all this...
thanks for the reply

MJOR

I thing a break usually means a break up.....

LegacyUser

she said break but when i told her i dont do that, we came to the agreement of giving space until shes ready.
maybe its possible she doesnt want out of this relationship, maybe she realises something is not right between us and we are both commited enough to solve the problem together.
guess i have to give her space and see..

LegacyUser

Hey OP, was in exactly the same situation, g/f traveling, didn't know what see wanted etc. At first i was really broken up, didn't know what to do, felt bad, sad, mad, etc. Anyway, after a while I realised the only thing I could do was use this time to move on. I went after girls, met up with friends, went back training, distanced myself from the girl who wanted me as her safety net.

Anyhow, after a great few months of only occasional contact, she decides she wanted to get back together with me when she returned. we're back together and I'm glad of it, but I'm certain if I hadn't used that time apart to do things i wanted to do etc, we wouldn't be, because I would have just hung around waiting for her to get back.

Use this time to enjoy yourself, hard and all as that is to imagine right now. Even if you don't get back together, you won't have built your hopes up too high and you may even have met some cool people along the way.

Epicpriest

OP.... please, please, please.... dont think that your little girl who you're so familar with can be easily swayed by your "but i feel bad, you can't do this to me" texts, calls etc....

you have to not contact her at all. when she contacts you... which she will, to ease her concience, you need to not act like "god it's so good to hear from you, i've been waiting blah blah.

thats what i did.....

i know you love her, but you loving her doesn't make what she feels any different ok? the world doesn't evolve around you, or me.
just try and ignore her and when she contacts you just act normal, she will realise maybe that you aren't as weak as she thinks, it could mean getting back together, of not, it means you break up with her thinking you are a man, not a snivveling love sick mouse which will fuel her australian man loving ego...

if i could be in your position again i'd love it....
the woman im with now just blows the one i was with out of the water. do you know why? because she isn't a c**t :P

LegacyUser

well, ive learned one thing from all this-if someone wants space, give it to them. let them think about things when they need to..
look at me for example..i was asked to give space a few nights ago now..and this morning i geta txt saying she loves/misses/wants to work on it with me...result!
i have yet to reply to that txt either..maybe i shud!anyways, thank you kindly one and all for your differnent advice,im rather hopeless at relationships as ye can tell!