Parent drink problem

LegacyUser

Hi everybody going unreg for this one.

I need some advice I'm really hate my mums drinking.

Just some background info: I am 22 and in 2ND year in college living away from home.

I do drink myself (go out for a night every 1-2 weeks) and my dad goes for pints maybe 3+ times a week too but hes never drunk drunk or mean.

I am on a grant and up until recently had a part time job(recession) I pay my own rent/bills etc . I dislike my mother when she drinks so much that I did not move home for the summer last year. Now that I am not working I am home weekends/holidays. Ive noticed it has gotten worse. My mother lives at home with my Dad and older sister.

She drinks more nights than she doesn't about 1-2 bottles of wine sometimes even more per night at home alone/or if we are there. Its hard for me to say that exactly how many nights cause I'm away at college Mon-Fri.But every Friday and Saturday night and all day Sunday without fail shes drunk and over the mid term I noticed most weeknights too.

She is really nice to everybody when shes sober and we get along great, but when she drinks shes very mean. I have never really had friends over at my house after about 10pm for fear of embarrassment. They see her as a nice person and I havent told them about her drinking.

Shes always giving out about everybody and everything when drunk.Constantly putting me and my friends down and giving me lecture about only being in college for the grant?! even though I'm passing and going to class's and giving me lectures about not having money to give in hand outs even though I honestly never ask (due to the fear of the rants over the years) even though I know my parents have plenty of money.
I know My older brother and sister (they are 8+ years older than me) have gotten paid though college and lots of money for things from my dad who is retired now, over the years and my sister still lives with them not paying bills/rent, but Ive never asked the man for a thing.


In Fact I dropped out of college in first year because I did not like my course and I wanted to do something else. My dad offered to pay my fee's but at the time
My mum guilted me into not taking the money saying how they had nothing cause my dad wasn't working I believed her then she proceeded to build an extra pointless room onto the house and Do up the back garden costing tens of thousands and I ended up taking the year out and worked full time in a crap job to pay my fee's the following year.

My dad and sister do not say anything to her about her drinking even though my sister has recently started to bitch to me about it. It makes me very annoyed but for
some reason I cant speak up to her for fear of what might happen.

Her brother is an alcoholic who was off the drink for 4 years but recently has fallen off the wagon and she's disgusted at him on the phone to her sisters day and night on about him and she isn't talking to him/going to his wedding. I'm listening to this when I'm home every weekend with weeks and all I can think of is "your a f'ing alco too". I fear that I may have to move home this summer. I'm afraid to talk to her about it and I don't want to end up falling out with her but I can bite my tongue forever...

It actually felt good just putting that into words while typing.

Anyways any advice would be greatly appreciated.

username123

Hi OP,
I come from an alcoholic home. My father was an alcoholic. I know what its like. I can relate to many of the things you said and (for example) I never had friends round late either for the same reason.

The situation escalated very badly in my case and I ended up very sick myself from stress etc...

Anyway I reached a point where I thought the only way out was for someone to die, either me so I wouldnt have to deal with it anymore, or my Dad cos he wouldnt stop drinking. I hit my own personal rock bottom and ended up trying everything I could to stop the drinking or get help.

The one place I kept being told to go was Alanon. I kept not going, but eventually there were no other options and I thought 'well i may as well see what its about'.
Its a support group for people affected by other peoples drinking.

i went and it saved my life. I dont want to sound like a preacher but its amazng, it really helps.

Go to your nearest meeting and see what you think, its only an hour and you dont have to say anything if you dont want to.

If you need a list of meetings you can ring them (youll get the number online) or if you wish you can pm me your whereabouts in the country and Ill consult my own list and tell you where the nearest one is to you.

Hope you feel better for expressing yourself. I know what its like but believe me - there IS help there for you if you are willing to take it.

**Edited to say** You cannot control someone elses drinking, you can only control your own behaviour in the face of it.

Dakeyras

username123 wrote: »

You cannot control someone elses drinking, you can only control your own behaviour in the face of it.

as a child to an an adult that has had to live with alcoholism i think this is possibly the truest statement that i have heard in all my time.i

iguana

I agree that you should consider al-anon and maybe see if your sister wants to go too. You can find out about their meetings here; http://www.al-anon-ireland.org

There are also online meetings which happen at certain times, though they tend to be mainly populated by Americans so the times may be awkward for you. http://www.ola-is.org

Dakeyras

you cant lead a horse to water, or you can. but you cant make it drink

iguana2005

Mother alcoholics are so hard to deal with - there is a book which is great(look it up online - written by some american ladies). Get help for you alone. My mum still drinks -luckily im old eneogh now and rent awy from home. I dont deal with her when she is drunk. End of story. Walk away when she is drunk and try discuss with her when sober. Its very sad - try get that book gave me some good tips to cope. + get someone to talk too. Look after you which is number 1.

MoveOn

Dakeyras wrote: »

you cant lead a horse to water, or you can. but you cant make it drink

No but you can make it thirsty.

And I don't mean that in a glib way - I'm just extending the metaphor. What I mean is, you can't make an alcoholic stop drinking but you can suggest stopping and that might plant the seed of the idea. After all, every addict that ever kicked a habit had to start thinking quitting would be a good idea at some point.

LegacyUser

I really recommend that you try to attend an AlAnon meeting. It is very confidential and nonjudgemental and I think it would be really good for you to get some support from people who understand what you're going through. You cannot force your mother to stop drinking, but you need to take care of yourself in this situation. You are being affected by this and somewhere like AlAnon can help you learn how to deal with it.

LegacyUser

Hi There,

I have a very similar story, I'm 25 and my mother has been an alcoholic for almost 20 years. She has been to rehab 3 times, almost bankrupting my father in the process. She didnt even make it one day without drinking after the sessions in rehab. I could go on forever with stories about how bad she gets and the horrible things she says and does. I'm afraid there isnt much hope left for her, she's basically killing herself in front of us.

I let her addiction and behaviour ruin my school and college education, resulting in me graduating well below the grade i should have gotten. I also had to work all the way through college because of the thousands she spent on alcohol meant i had no choice really. Getting to the point i would advise you to do all you possibly can to get your mother help before it is too late. Speak to the rest of your family, talk to your mother if you get a sober moment, tell her how worried you are about it. Make sure she and the rest of her family know how bad it is getting. Dont keep it a secret out of embarassment. I hope you also manage to separate yourself from the problems she creates and focus on your own life.

Everyone you talk to about this will recommend Al-Anon. I have heard that it works for a lot of people. They teach people affected by addiction to detach themselves and help them look after their own mental health.

dMaN24

What i'm going to say might come off as a bit rude, but in no way is the intention of it.

Try to detach yourself. Live your own life.

I too have a father that is an alcoholic (my mother luckily "sobered up" from it) and yes, even though i felt like throwing something hard and sometimes strangle him, he's my father.

Up to this day i hear of him drinking, and we have tried different measures. he succesfully went through all steps of alanon. Even stayed at a home while doing it.

Life was peachy the following years, but all of a sudden it all came back. His mother, my grandmother, past away a few years back. He was blasted way out of his head to the extent that he barely made it to the funeral. He simply seem to have given up. Which makes our task to try and convince him even harder. He falls and hurts himself time after time. Doctor tells him that his liver contains more alcohol than blood. Nothing hits the mark. he clearly cannot admit to himself that he has a problem.

That is why i recommend to just detach. Live your life, but keep your mother in mind absolutely. Since i've been old enough to travel, i have had a great time. mostly knowing that i'm not stuck within those walls having to cope with all that alcoholism deals with.

And yes i am a drinker myself. But modestly.

I hope my post wasn't only a lot of rambling without a point.

username123

dMaN24 wrote: »

he succesfully went through all steps of alanon.

Sorry dMaN24 - not to detract from your post but I assume you mean AA here?

Just to clarify that AA is a support group for alcoholics themselves, Alanon is a support group for people affected by someone elses alcoholism.

They are both 12 step programs, the 12 steps in Alanon are similar to but subtly different to the 12 steps for AA.

sammyv

I can totally understand where you are coming from. My dad was an abusive alcoholic.
Im a social drinker, dont drink in the house, only when i go out, which is about once a month.
My sister is now turning into an alcholic, its a horrible feeling, and i feel so helpless. She can easily drink a bottle of wine everynight. she has sorted wasted her life, and now she has turned to drink. She turns into a horrible person, and although we both still live at home, my mother doesnt spend much time there, so i get the brunt of my sisters alcoholic behaviour, she is so nasty to me, says horrible hurtful things, and totally wears me down.
Im moving away in a few weeks, as i couldnt cope with her for much longer, my dad ruined the early part of my life, now my sister is doing the same.
She seems to blame me for the way her life has turned out, which isnt fair. I do feel sorry for her, but she has no right to be horrible to me.

I doubt you will be able to change your mam at this stage. Al-Anon is quite good, but i think once damage is done, its hard to turn back time.
Its better to get away from these people, as they only drag you down too. get away from it, dont try and deal with it.

Loxosceles

Mary1001 wrote: »

It actually felt good just putting that into words while typing.

Anyways any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Well OP, one thing that Ireland doesn't have, is A.C.O.A., which is a support group network which helps children of alcoholics. Check out the 13 basic personality traits of ACOA here:

http://www.drjan.com/13char.html

If you feel that any of these attitudes apply to you, then seek counseling on your own to work on them, and be sure to minimise all contact with your mother and move away from home.

The fact is, it sounds as if it may get worse with your mother before it gets better, and the best thing for you to do is get the hell away and mind yourself. If someone is no worse than a couple bottles of wine a day, it will be hard to get someone who is going alcoholic to get out of that, until it gets a lot worse. I'd say throw your hands up and GTFO. But don't give up entirely if you can communicate with your dad and sister.

It sounds as if you have a normal middle-class family that is starting to go a bit septic due to your mother's unaddresed issues with a life where her life goals and desires weren't reached. Talk to your dad and sister about family therapy. At least you are lucky enough, being middle-class, not to have too much pride and stubbornness attached to your social status. Working class alcoholism is much more miserable and unforgiving that way. You may have more options through church or other resources that are more open.

Nevyn

Actually there are groups for adult children of alcholics.
I know of at least two in dublin, they tend to be for those who are not living
with an alcholic parent but still have issues in thier life from thier childhood
which have been un addressed and effect them in thier lives and relationships.

dMaN24

username123 wrote: »

Sorry dMaN24 - not to detract from your post but I assume you mean AA here?

Just to clarify that AA is a support group for alcoholics themselves, Alanon is a support group for people affected by someone elses alcoholism.

They are both 12 step programs, the 12 steps in Alanon are similar to but subtly different to the 12 steps for AA.

Ofcourse. You are right. My bad.

username123

Thaedydal wrote: »

Actually there are groups for adult children of alcholics.
I know of at least two in dublin, they tend to be for those who are not living
with an alcholic parent but still have issues in thier life from thier childhood
which have been un addressed and effect them in thier lives and relationships.

There are courses that The Hanley Centre in Dun Laoghaire run for ACOAs, havent done one yet myself (but plan to), they sound brilliant, you do a module of classroom based activities, then group therapy, they also recommend that participants go to Alanon (if they are not already a member) to see if they find it useful (and if youre in Alanon you tend to hear about the ACOA courses so often there is overlapping membership).