In love with 2 different men?

LegacyUser

hi,

wondering if anyone can offer some advice or their opinions.
Ive been with my boyf for 2 years, who i love. But ive always had feelings for one of my best friends, even before i met my boyf. Ive never told him how i felt and he lives in another country so we dont talk too much anymore anyway.
Most of the time im so happy with my boyf, but whenever i talk to my best friend, its like all the old feelings come back and it feels like i love him more than i do my boyf.
I dont know what to do ...if i finished with my boyf i know id miss him terribly. Should i stop talking to my friend, cos its then when i get back all the old feelings. If i havent been in touch with him for a while, then they fade away.
Or do these feelings mean i shouldnt be with my boyf at all, no matter what happens or doesnt happen with my friend.
Im so confused..help

minidazzler

It could just be a case of the Grass being greener. Or maybe you do, but it is entirely possible to be in love with 2 people. You have a choice, The Love you know, or the love you don't!

Nitxteha

have you ever had anything with your good friend? Does he have a girlfriend? Does he feel the same for you?

It sounds like you are only confused. If you love your boyfriend, try not even to think about your good friend as any other thing and don't complicate your life. If you think you cannot handle your feelings, then cut contact with him for a while (and make up , one way or the other..)

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I know exactly how you feel. I am married and still in love with an ex. He was an ex by his choice not mine and I have NEVER gotten closure on this issue.

I love my husband very much, but the feeling's I have for my ex boyfriend almost makes me physically sick. He had recently separated from his wife and I would have left my husband for him if he asked me- and then he decided to go to counseling to give it another try with his wife - . I know, it doesn't say much for the state of my marriage, but I don't think I ever got over him.

But yes, it is possible to love 2 people, deeply, truly, madly. I wish I didn't. I wish I could take a magic pill and forget my ex.

LegacyUser

Nitxteha wrote: »

have you ever had anything with your good friend? Does he have a girlfriend? Does he feel the same for you?

It sounds like you are only confused. If you love your boyfriend, try not even to think about your good friend as any other thing and don't complicate your life. If you think you cannot handle your feelings, then cut contact with him for a while (and make up , one way or the other..)

no nothings ever happened with us. He told me before he had a crush on me when we first met, but since then he sees me as one of his best friends. Ive never told him anything of my feelings for fear it would ruin our friendship.
He doesnt have a girlfriend, partly the reason we got so close was that he broke up with an ex and was devastated and i helped him go thru that. He knows stuff that ive never told my boyf and prob never will...its part the reason its so hard cos im not a person to talk about my own feelings, apart from when im with him.

LegacyUser

I dont think your being fair to your boyfriend. If I was your boyfriend reading this and realised it was you I would dump you. You havent your full heart in your relationship so you should do him a favour and break up with him. It sounds like your settling and I really dont think thats good for either of you in the long run. I know what id do if i was in your position, id have to breakup with my girlfriend.

Nitxteha

Friendship between two people of opposite sex can happen but you have to set very clear boundaries.You may have crossed those boundaries and that's why you are confused. Helping get through a break up situation:

1)as a friend is taking him out with your friends, having fun and even helping him meet other girls... but always keeping space between you. Like a guy would do with another guy.

2) as a girl (and possible partner) is listening to him, give a shoulder to cry on, act as a psychologist, talk talk talk..meeting with a coffee etc. Like girls do.

I personally think you cannot be in love with two people at the same time. If you love somebody you only have eyes for him.

I'd say make up your mind quick, because this sounds very unfair to your boyfriend. Imagine how he'd feel if he found out.

Wibbs

Nitxteha wrote: »

I personally think you cannot be in love with two people at the same time. If you love somebody you only have eyes for him.

I wouldn't agree. IMHO you can and it happens often enough and I've seen otherwise good relationships go south because of it. Love has different stages in it's trajectory. Initial lust and infatuation(first couple of months), deeper feelings and the honeymoon period(2 to 4 years), then if you're lucky the long term commitment stage. People hit those stages differently and it's not so black and white, but in general that's the gist of it.

Now the long term commitment love is the one to aim for in the very long term, but it's not as exciting as the first two. If people have expectations of the honeymoon phase lasting for life they may get disappointed when it doesn't. IMHO Those that over romanticise love and have unrealistic and black and white expectations of love are the ones who are more likely to fall into this trap. The first time they look at another and fancy them they assume "well that's that I'm not in love anymore".

IMHO that's why a helluva lot of relationships that last to the 2/3 year mark break up at that point of transition. Either because the couple weren't really compatible in the first place or one partner wants the "high" of initial love back again. If they break up then that person gets the rush again with a new person. If they decide to stay, then it can happen that they look for that high elsewhere. So a person could be in love with one as a long term thing, but madly in love with another in the honeymoon way.

It could also be because the person they're with doesn't satisfy one of their deeper needs and they look for that elsewhere. Essentially making up a "perfect" partner out of two people.

I would say this though OP; if you're thinking you may love two men, then you don't love either of them enough.

Dakeyras

i read your first post and nothing else. my opinion is that i'd rather never wonder what if...

thats only me though.

do you love your boyf? is he everything you want?

if i could step into your boyf shoes id prefer if you went off and did your thing.

at some stage you will think what if........ so go off and let your boyf find someone who wants him and only him. i think you'll do both of you a favour

Dakeyras

does no one else see how horrible of a position your partner is in? why do you think he hasn't settled for you too? maybe he has someone that he dreams about, how would that make you feel?