I had it all.... now i've nothing

LegacyUser

I'm at a loss as what to do.

I did my degree, didnt get the best score as I suffered very badly from depression at that time. After my degree I got an office job in an attempt to try raise my confidence because I couldnt even look people in the eye. I enjoyed that job, I worked hard. I am sorry that I left!

After two years in that job I decided it would be a good time to go back to college, I got offered a place to do a postgrad course. My boyfriend offered to support me, he owed me loads of money anyway and i agreed to pay me back so much a week. College was fine, tough at times but I got through it. I lived off savings I had. My boyfriend paid me two or three times then stopped. Around Christmas last year I had exams and was struggling for money as I hadnt the money from my boyfriend so we fought about it etc. Things started going wrong for us because I was no longer helping pay his rent or his esb (I was living with my parents) I have my own car to pay for.

In April we broke up after 4 years together (I was no use to him as I had no money) I was heartbroken almost had a nervous break down especially when he started going out with someone 5 minutes after we broke up. Maybe they got together before we broke up I dont know and I never will but I was in a complete mess. I did all my exams, finished my course and got all honours. It didnt matter I still felt crushed.

I took a couple of months out to get my head together and then started applying for every job going, I had a few interviews but never got anything from it. In July I met a wonderful man who is so kind to me and treats me with the respect my ex didnt. My ex owes me thousands but theres nothing I can do about that. He had gone away but has recently came back with his future wife. hmmmm I know i'm rambling. I havent been well the last few months been to hospital for loads of tests I just feel tired and lost.

I have applied for jobs in shops etc they wont hire me because of my education. So much has happened the past year and a half and i'm finding it so hard to cope anymore. I went to college to try achieve something my parents were so proud of me. I feel like I have let them and myself down. Everywhere I turn all I see is rejection. My siblings never went to college yet they are working away, getting married starting families. I'm still stuck in the same place I was when I was 17 with nothing.

I have even contacted voluntary places and have been turned down by some of them!! I have applied for hundreds of jobs and I'm getting nothing. I just feel like I am wasting my time, I have let everyone down and all I was trying to do was get a good education. This time two years ago I had it all now I feel like I have nothing. Even all my friends are busy with their own lives. I never see anyone. I spent most of my time on my own. I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend and thats great. I just feel like i'm in quicksand and I cant get out.

I dont even know why i'm writing this I just need to tell someone, anyone.... write it down.

LegacyUser

You've had a tough run of things alright, especially with the ex and the unemployment.

I was in the same situation a few years ago and it was hell. But as they say its a marathon not a sprint. It might look now like people around you - your ex, people from home - are a few steps ahead but that can all change overnight, I've seen it many times over. As for the unemployment, its not really a reflection on you. Thousands and thousands in the same boat.

What you need to is be careful you don't slip into depression. Get some self help books, some cognitive behavious therapy stuff maybe (a bit like positive thinking). Exercise. Eat good food. You have it all ahead of you. Just be well so you're ready for when change happens.

humbert

You had a crap bf and now you don't. You have a good education, a good bf which is not a bad situation. The job thing is frustrating but you will get something eventually. Your situation really really is not that bad.

MIN2511

Wow! My heart goes out to you...

First things, you need to get over your ex. He has moved on, you should do the same. It's crying over "Spilt" milk, you hanging on to what ye had doesn't make any sense.

With the current economy jobs are hard to find, have you considered "dumbing" your CV? ie Leave out your PostGrad, for retail/shop jobs. Most managers in retail have no education so the minute they see your CV they think you are over qualified!

Your current bf seems like a nice guy, but it seems you don't like him as much as you did your ex. If you are not serious/don't like him i suggest you break up with him.
A clean break will do you good(being single is not so bad), evaluate your situation, join a gym, some classes and keep searching for jobs.

Goodluck!

LegacyUser

MIN2511 wrote: »

Wow! My heart goes out to you...

Your current bf seems like a nice guy, but it seems you don't like him as much as you did your ex. If you are not serious/don't like him i suggest you break up with him.
A clean break will do you good(being single is not so bad), evaluate your situation, join a gym, some classes and keep searching for jobs.

Goodluck!

No, I'm mad about him! Hes the only thing keeping me going. I'm really mad because i'm paying off money for my ex and he was horrible to me. Hes putting me under so much pressure with money.

I have suffered from depression a lot and i dont want to go back there. I just need something!!!

LegacyUser

Boy, you've been through a lot! You poor thing. However... Your parents are not going to feel let down by you, they're probably more worried that you're unhappy. And you've got a boyfriend who's obviously worth a million dollars, to make up for a few thousand crappy euro. See it as money well spent girl, what if you had been married to him and then found out what he was like? As for the job - I know what it's like to be overqualified for a position, I'm in that situation now, by choice. I wanted to try something different. The approach I took in my interview was how I'm only happy when I'm doing new things, learning, challenging myself, and how I had no objection to starting at the bottom - I couldn't start any higher as i'd never worked in this type of environment before. Bowl them over with enthusiasm - a hard worker like you would be an asset to any workforce! Don't go in with the head down apologising for yourself, research the companies so you can tell them you've heard such good things about them and would be delighted to work there. I realise I'm rambling too but I'm trying to cover everything... Any jobs going in that place you loved so much? It wouldn't be a step back if you enjoy the work. Look at everything you've achieved, it's been tough and messy and exhausting but you're on your way out at the other side - get out there with your boyfriend and his circle of friends and get used to socialising, his friends will become yours. And get involved with the family, there will be some very lucky nieces and nephews for you to get to know. All the very best - if your life can be that different after two years, you can swing it back round - imagine where you could be in two years' time! (And stop giving your ex money, barring order if necessary - whole other thread!!!)

estar

and start seeing what you have.

you made a choice with the boyfriend and the money. unfortunately that was the wrong choice. you are the first of many to make that mistake and you wont be the last.

when bad things come upon you in waves, all your positive energy can get used up and you feel numb and depressed.

but you can just hve to reach out and get help. aware are a great organisation that run group sessions for those suffering from depression, and it might do you good to go along and meet others who have gone through a bad patch.

is there any way of pursuing your ex more rigourously for his money.

if it were me, but im pretty persistent i would be telling his new fiancee how her wedding will be paid for out of your savings, and that her savings are probably next.

whatever went between you - he should not have taken your money.

now you have a great man. you got honours!!!!! all you have to do is find something to give you self worth - it doesnt have to be paid work. keep trying for volunteer positions. try for another office job.

dont give up. see what you have even though its hard when you are depressed.

humbert

humbert wrote: »

You had a crap bf..

Silverfish

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tony1kenobi

I wouldn't post here normally, and it isn't great constructive advice, but that was REALLY well written......if you have time on your hands....why don't you just flesh that out, create the perfect ending (the one you'd like) and write a book??

At least it's something to keep you busy and I'd probably borrow it off my missus when she'd read it!!!

No sarcasm here......write a book!!

Oh yeah....change the names.

vinnyryan

Deleted User wrote: »

Firstly you have my smypathies on your current predicament. However, there's a few things I'd like to say. Sounds harsh but to a certain degree sometimes people get what they put themselves out there for and your boyfriend preyed on and fed off this.

Set yourself an action plan and try to look at the positives. I don't completely know all of them but things like 1) you sound like a genuine person 2) loyal and caring 3) loving 4) intelligent 5) Qualified 6) Sounds like you have far more long term potential with your current boyfriend now etc.

Then, acknowledge the not so positive factors. 1) Your health, are you taking you medication, regular exercise, good diet, natural remedies and vitamins such as a Omega 3 etc. 2) Your education - can you utilise your qualifications to their full potential - don't under sell yourself 3) Do you live the highs too high (eg relationships etc) and the lows too low?

Guess what I'm trying to say is to smile you have so much going for you so focus on more that one value in your life and just take a bit more control of your life.

LegacyUser

tony1kenobi wrote: »

I wouldn't post here normally, and it isn't great constructive advice, but that was REALLY well written......if you have time on your hands....why don't you just flesh that out, create the perfect ending (the one you'd like) and write a book??

At least it's something to keep you busy and I'd probably borrow it off my missus when she'd read it!!!

No sarcasm here......write a book!!

Oh yeah....change the names.

Maybe you are right, my degree was in English

LegacyUser

vinnyryan wrote: »

Firstly you have my smypathies on your current predicament. However, there's a few things I'd like to say. Sounds harsh but to a certain degree sometimes people get what they put themselves out there for and your boyfriend preyed on and fed off this.

Set yourself an action plan and try to look at the positives. I don't completely know all of them but things like 1) you sound like a genuine person 2) loyal and caring 3) loving 4) intelligent 5) Qualified 6) Sounds like you have far more long term potential with your current boyfriend now etc.

Then, acknowledge the not so positive factors. 1) Your health, are you taking you medication, regular exercise, good diet, natural remedies and vitamins such as a Omega 3 etc. 2) Your education - can you utilise your qualifications to their full potential - don't under sell yourself 3) Do you live the highs too high (eg relationships etc) and the lows too low?

Guess what I'm trying to say is to smile you have so much going for you so focus on more that one value in your life and just take a bit more control of your life.

Thank you for the nice things you said! Well my blood pressure is up in the heavens (Hosp refused to let me home one day because it was dangerously high) after numerous tests I'm pretty much none the wiser. Well i'm aware of one thing which is genetic. I'm lacking every vitamin going so I am starting injections for that soon. I bought supplements.

Relationship wise...I hide myself away a lot when I feel down I know thats not a good thing so I need to work on that.

Thanks to everyone you are all after lifting my spirits. Boards is great

YoungFolks

Hey,
Im after losing my full time job and my boyfriend and moving out of the place we lived together for the past year-all in the same week.ive been living at home with my family for the past week now and let me tell you girl i know exactly how you feel.

we were together for over 3 years and it was amazing.and hes seemingly happy.and im dreadfully miserable,and not that great at hiding it....

the hardest thing might be,what do you do on your own?i know thats the bit that gets me,the sheer blooody lonliness..but think about it-youve gotten to where you are,degree etc,because of you-he didnt sit an study or get up for you an go to college in the pissin rain in the mornin-you did it before by yourself an youll do it again!personally when me and my fella broke up i truly couldnt have imagined life without him-he was and still is my best mate-but at the end of the day when you feel awful and lonely and youre going to bed alone(or with new amazing guy)and all you can think of is how it was before-remember=
YOURE STILL STANDING.ITS OKAY TO BE SAD.ITS ALSO NORMAL TO GET A BIT DOWN,AND HELP IS THERE IF YOU JUST ASK FOR IT.

I know you feel down but dont for one second think youre alone,theres millions of us out there!!were all smiling and getting on with it too!!and i personally take a lot of comfort from the fact that so many people have gotten through it and are happy,yknow?

LegacyUser

Hi Op
I know exactly how you feel. The idea of quicksand really struck a chord because at one stage I felt like I was suffocating with everything on top of me. It's horrible but you can pull around.

I felt hopeless even though I had a lot to be grateful for - I just couldn't see it.

Went to my doctor and after a long chat decided to try a low dose anti depressant and six months later everyone is telling me I'm back to 'normal'!

Not ideal I know but don't rule it out, we all need a little help sometimes.

LegacyUser

Hi Lost
I was amazed reading this as your story is so like mine. I too experienced severe depression during my first degree (english also, loved it!) and battled through while supporting a Bum of a boyfriend who lived off my savings from holidays, and the maintenance money my hardworking parents were giving me. Not thousands, but the feeling of being taken for a fool can be so destructive and demoralizing. didn't have the confidence to use my degree (I got a first) and felt deflated at the end as i felt i still hadn't made my parents proud (happy really, as they were miserable with each other for many years).

After years of various office jobs and small progressions up the "ladder", I began volunteering as a literacy tutor, one-on-one. This helped me feel like i was giving something back and gave me confidence in my abilities, while not being too overwhelming. Using that skill you have - when your focus is on helping another person - can really draw out the best in you.

I decided that helping people was part of my nature, and got a job i loved as a care assistant with elderly people. Again, when you are intelligent and can perform well academically (as you are obviously gifted at, giving your results), and with familial hints about a "dead end job", you feel you should be doing "better" I decided I should do a postgrad in healthcare.
I recently finished, did quite well academically, but more importantly this time did well on my placements. It was a huge struggle at times, but i found the staff and students, who ALL had difficulties at times, were supportive. ( I never disclosed my condition)
Now I am looking for a job also, following a bad experience with a company who really wanted someone to flog equipment and treat a huge range of clients alone, without paying for an experienced professional. The last few months I have felt it creeping up on me again, the negative, obsessive thoughts, lack of concentration, and constant exhaustion, which led to bad performance on the job. i refuse to let this floor me - I am going to the GP next week to see if it's meds, and trying to take more excercise, which helps.
Like you, the best thing in my life is a great boyfriend, who is supportive in as much as he can understand! What I am doing at the moment is reconnecting with old friends. As much as he so central to my life, i need to re-widen my social networks as it is not good for anyone to feel wholly responsible for my well-being.i know this is hard as friends get on with their lives when they don't hear from you, when feel unable to have anything positive to say, and withdraw from them. I hope with his support behind you, you will have the courage to branch out in little steps, as another poster said, his friends are also a good outlet as well.
I'd really like to thank you for posting as you have had so many experiences similar to my own. when you feel down you think you are the only one- others are depressed, but NOT people with qualifications, or great boyfriends!
I am remembering that job i loved, and applying for similar work, as well as jobs that I am qualified for. Whatever it was you were doing, maybe you should find something similar? So what if we are overqualified, if you are good at something and enjoy it, you will be an asset to anyone. Keep trying the volunteering, as I said, if you can do it in an area you enjoy, it will be so beneficial for you and others.
i know i can get through this because I have before. We both have the benefit of years of knowing ourselves, achievements that are worthy to many people (if not parents!), and the experience of a loving relationship.
Thanks for sharing your story, there were many happy points in there and there will be again!