When love turns to hate

LegacyUser

Broke up with girlfriend in November. She now hates me and we don't speak. I really wanted to stay freinds with her and it hurts me that she now can't stand the sight of me. I didn't cheat or treat her badly, I just didn't feel right in the relationship. How can I make it up to her?

Beruthiel

You can't.
Cut contact, leave her be and move on with your life.

Monkey61

There really isn't much you can do but give it time. If you broke up with her then she needs the space to get over you before she could even consider being around you again. Would you rather she was nice and wanted to hang out with you and was going home and crying every night over the fact that she couldn't be with you.

You didn't want to be with her anymore so you don't get to decide the terms of your new relationship with her. She does. It hurts when someone you like dumps you, even if they didn't cheat on you or end it horribly. Let her move on in her own time.

Karen_*

Well if you broke up with her then this is her way of dealing with things. There's nothing you can do about it and you don't get to be friends with someone you've hurt. Leave her be is my advice. If you break up with someone then you have to be prepared to not be their favourite person. Thats life.

TheZohanS

She doesn't hate you.

Seeing you probably reminds her of how happy the two of you were together, that's why she can't stand the sight of you.

The best way for a girl to get over a guy is to break off all contact, and that's what she's doing.

If you really want to treat her like a friend you should respect her wishes and not contact her.

Wibbs

By leaving her be, until she decides if she wants you as a friend or not. I presume you dumped her? That's cool. It wasn't working for you, but it was probably working for her, so she needs to process that. Part of her process appears to be "hating" you.

Now you say you want to make it up to her, but on top of that you're thinking as much about what you've lost by not having her in your life. You want to remain friends. That's actually being self centered about this. In this case it's not about you, it's about her. If you truly want whats best for her, then letting her move on and forward in her life is the thing to do. You being in her life will likely just keep picking at her emotional scab.

LegacyUser

Yes, I broke up with her. I love her to bits as a person. But after we broke up, we argued all the time. She accused me of being indifferent and mean towards her and that she didn't recognise who I was anymore. She still expected the level of attention I gave her before. We were best friends all along and that's why I felt it wasn't working out. The spark wasn't really there in the end. I really miss her and the friend she was to me. But now we have ruined everything we had by fighting all the time. We have done and said some cruel things to each other and I don't know if we will ever recover from it to remain friends. I'm really hurt about how it has turned out. She was my favourite person on the planet for so long and it killed me to break her heart but I had to do it for her sake. Yes, she hates me because she told me so. :-(

the glass woman

Unregistered wrote: »

She was my favourite person on the planet for so long

How long were you going out with her for OP?

LegacyUser

A year and a half. We spent all our time together.

themadchef

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm really hurt about how it has turned out. She was my favourite person on the planet for so long and it killed me to break her heart but I had to do it for her sake. Yes, she hates me because she told me so. :-(

When you broke up with her you say you did it for her? What does that mean? Surely you broke up with her because your needs wern't being met...not hers.

She hates you? no, she probably hates how she's feeling. Hates to lose what yee had. Hates that the person she loved didnt feel the same way.

It's easier to hate than forgive right now. Give her time to get over you. If you went out for a long time then it's not going to happen any time soon. Let her clear her head. In my experience youre far better cutting ties. Yes it's really painful. But you will both get over it faster in the long run.

LegacyUser

I knew I couldn't give her what she deserved. That's why I ended it. I didn't love her enough. She derserves someone who will.

NOGMaxpower

Cut all contact never speak to her again ever end of story anything else will result in running around in circles. Move on life is too short to be worried about an ex there are plenty of other ex's you're going to have in your life.

LegacyUser

NOGMaxpower wrote: »

there are plenty of other ex's you're going to have in your life.

True, but this girl is unique and a very special person to me. I guess what I'm hoping someone can tell me is if I can ever win back her respect and how to do that?

Wibbs

It's all about you OP or that's how its coming across anyway. If you want her respect and actually care for her, then let her live her life. If she wants to not have you around, that's her decision, just like it was yours to leave her as a boyfriend. Respect that.

themadchef

Unregistered wrote: »

True, but this girl is unique and a very special person to me. I guess what I'm hoping someone can tell me is if I can ever win back her respect and how to do that?

Yet not special enough to stay in a relationship with. You say there was no ill treatment / no affairs etc. So you just didint love her, no crime in that. BUT she has the right to tell you to sling it.

You can't make her want to be your friend any more than she could make you love her. Leave it to her.

If you feel so strongly about the girl......is it possible you made a mistake in dumping her?

Poloman

If you think you can be good buddys after breaking up forget it. Would it bother you if ye were out and some fella started snogging her and she winked at you saying she is taking him home to sleep with him? Course it would.

You left her. Now leave her alone so she can move on. Cut all contact you have made your decision.

LegacyUser

No, I don't think I made a mistake...I hate myself for hurting her. When we talk, we end up fighting. I'm trying for her sake to create distance but she gets offended by that. We have torn each others personalities apart with all our arguing. I wish it could be different...

Quaver

OP, believe me, unless you want to get back with her then do not contact her. Part of the grieving process is hating the dumper for hurting her so much, and the best way for her do deal with it is to not talk to you (speaking from all too recent experience here). Give her time, and maybe you can be friends in the future, but don't force it. If it happens it happens.

Wibbs

themadchef wrote: »

You can't make her want to be your friend any more than she could make you love her. Leave it to her.

QFT

dreamlogic

Sometimes "hating" the other person can come about because the dumped person doesn't get closure or does not understand how someone can go from loving them one minute and not loving them the next.
If you haven't given her any reason for how you came to your decision then maybe it would be an idea to write her an email explaining things.
Of course it is not always possible to explain everything. But something to give her closure on the relationship and help her to move on..
It depends on her personality though.
Explaining things from your side could either give her the closure she wants or if it goes wrong might only add fuel to the fire...

LegacyUser

Thanks to all for replying so far. She didn't see the break up coming. I have explained and she accepts it to a degree but she is hurting so much. It's when we tried to make the transition to friends that it all went wrong. I'll just leave her alone and face reality.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

No, I don't think I made a mistake...I hate myself for hurting her. When we talk, we end up fighting. I'm trying for her sake to create distance but she gets offended by that. We have torn each others personalities apart with all our arguing. I wish it could be different...

Well it can't. Again these are the consequences of breaking up with someone, including accepting the fact that you more than likely won't be friends afterwards. Sorry it worked out this way, but leave it be. You probably won't be friends again.

Nevyn

You can't have your cake and eat it.

You decided that you weren't good enough, clearly she disagrees.
You decided that you were going to break up with her for her own good.
You decided that as she is so unique you want her in your life.
You decided that you want her as a friend.

If you were as selfish, passive aggressive and controlling in the relationship
then she is most likely better of with out you in her life what so ever
as even now you are trying to control her and dicate how she interacts with
you and what your relationship/friendship is.

Love and hate are two sides of the same coin of passion and it seems you have
pushed her from one to the other with how you have treated her and your lack of respect for her.

Leave her alone, let her heal from all the hurts you have caused her, being around you
will only remind her of all the things which were said and done and those which now are
not being said and done between ye.

You have no control over her, accept this and let her go.

banshee_bones

Wibbs wrote: »

It's all about you OP or that's how its coming across anyway. If you want her respect and actually care for her, then let her live her life. If she wants to not have you around, that's her decision, just like it was yours to leave her as a boyfriend. Respect that.

have to +1 this coz its spot on .... you cant force this on her, you have to leave this to her. People genuinely need space after a breakup, dont take this need for space as her "hating" you

cafecolour

Was in similar situation. Yes, cut all contact. When she gets over you - when she, to be blunt, falls for someone new - there is a chance of yall becoming friends again (though that can lead to new awkwardness if the new partners get jealous of the exes).

scarymoon1

you broke up with this girl and your posting because YOUR hurt she doesn't want to be friends with you!!!! bet you didn't think of her hurt when you dumped her! you made it clear to her you wanted to break up - she accepted it. she made it clear she doesn't want you as a friend anymore YOU ACCEPT IT. just move on and leave her do the same. end of story.

bluecell99

scarymoon1 wrote: »

you broke up with this girl and your posting because YOUR hurt she doesn't want to be friends with you!!!! bet you didn't think of her hurt when you dumped her! you made it clear to her you wanted to break up - she accepted it. she made it clear she doesn't want you as a friend anymore YOU ACCEPT IT. just move on and leave her do the same. end of story.

exactly - have you asked yourself why its so important you remain friends?Why this need in you?She wants to move on .You should to -this means no contact .End of.

The Outlander

Dear OP, have been there recently. My Ex drove me to near distraction by wanting to be friends. I thought it was possible but it ain't! Whatever your intentions, just leave her alone.

andrewh5

Wibbs wrote: »

It's all about you OP or that's how its coming across anyway. If you want her respect and actually care for her, then let her live her life. If she wants to not have you around, that's her decision, just like it was yours to leave her as a boyfriend. Respect that.

+1 I completely agree.

lemonpie

I know this is a late reply but this sounds scarily like my own situation except i'm the other half!! My boyfriend broke up with me about 5months ago now, out of the blue, didn't see it coming, got no real reason only it wasn't working for him....fine but why didn't he say this as he felt it and talked about it to me? Our relationship was based on the fact that we were best friends, did everything together and could talk about anything. He lied and said he hadn't been thinking about breaking up until he did it but that's impossible the thoughts must have been there. You know what hurt the most, the fact that he still said and did things that he knew deep in his heart meant the world to me right up until the very day he ended....I found this cruel, shallow and self-centred on his part!

I was angry and very very hurt, i hated him for turning my life upside down. Despite all this I knew he was my best friend for years and I couldn't not see him in my life....I took the higher ground on this and approached him a number of times to try and talk but he was so unbelieveably nasty and cruel that I didn't recognise who he was anymore...he was acting as if I had broken up with him....another sign of his self centredness! Anyway after the last outburst from him I cut my losses and I grieved more for the loss of my best friend than my boyfriend...I still don't think I will have another friend as close as he was to me! I was lucky that a number of things happened in relation to work and a move to a different city, workplace and meeting new people has helped me but I still can't help thinking how cruel he has been! I didn't deserve it....yea fine dump me but don't treat me as if I'm the bitch when I didn't do anything wrong.

Very recently he spoke to my sister, who is very young and can't just ignore someone, he told her he still knows what I'm at and how i've been getting on and asked her if she thought we could be friends again....ah hello is that not a question he should have asked me??? Now my problem is I don't know if he did that just to make himself feel better or because he genuinely cares about me....my lack of trust in him makes me think its the more selfish option because I did text him in a weak moment saying i hated the way things were between us and got no reply whatsoever. So in my opinion unless he grows a pair of balls and actually contacts me to see if we could still be friends then I want nothing to do with him, but it would take one hell of an apology from him!!

anyway after that longwinded reply.....my opinion is you really need to sit back and realise what you have done to her, how much you have hurt her, and what you really want from contacting her. If it's just to make your life more rosy and feel you are getting on with her again....don't do it, that's just selfishness! If you really and truly want the level of friendship ye had before then maybe talk to her and see what she wants and be prepared to do things on her terms (completely), you would have to be totally selfless in that case.

Does this make sense?

LegacyUser

I suppose all you can do is get back online and try again just gracefully move foward with your polished head held high