What to do...revenge?

LegacyUser

OK so this might be a long one so please bear with me.

Basically my mam and dad broke up when I was 14, I'm now 24. When my mam left, she had had an affair, I'd never really been that close to her and blamed her for splitting up the family. She went off with her new boyfriend and took my brother with her. I stayed with my dad.

When I was in school I had a job, since the age of 15 and so when it came to paying for stuff, even down to school books, I paid for it myself, never got a penny off either parent. When I was in college, it was the same except I paid for everything I needed myself - books,travel,food,clothes so basically never cost my parents a penny except maybe small amount of electricity. This was never enough for my father, he still wanted me to be handing up money which was impossible working part time while I was in college.

Instead, I had to cook him meals and clean the house from top to bottom during the week. After I finished college, I got a full time job and moved out as I really couldnt stand living there any more, HELL, would be an understatement. Anyway, I saved up some money and decided after a couple of years to go travelling for a bit. Unfortunately when I came back I had to move back in with my father, which I knew beforehand and it couldnt be helped.

I had to job to come back to, so wasnt working, but I didnt want the constant fights that had been the norm before, so I sat down with my father and I said, I know your working and tired when you come home. So I know I need to clean the house and cook dinners if I'm not working, thats fine I said theres no need for constant arguments.

So I had been staying there for a couple of months, but no matter what, he is the type of person that goes looking for trouble. He went away for a short break, my boyfriend got a lend of a friends car to drive him to the airport. When he came back, the house was immaculate and there was a cup of tea waiting for him. STILL, he says those F*****G lightswitches are filthy, go and clean them. This is just some of the petty crap he comes out with. He told me I should be down on my knees kissing his feet cos he let me stay back in the house. At xmas, my BF again got a lend of a car and we went xmas shopping for him, just cos he couldnt be bothered doing it himself, even though he has a van himself.

Come xmas morning I get up and hes still in bed, now he usually would cook xmas dinner but nothing was on that day. I went up to get dressed and by 3 he was still in bed so I went in to ask was he havin dinner. At this point he proceeds to call me a selfish bitch gettin him up, starts goin on a rant and tells me to get out. Basically he through me out on xmas day, I had to go to my mothers, who I really am not close to.

Anyway, I went up tonight to collect a printer cos my stuff is still up there, I've nowhere to put it yet till I get an apartment. I said I have a week to get the rest of my stuff out cos hes renting out my room. I just said yeah. Hes says who the f*** are you coming into my house giving me cheek and grabs me by the arm and throws me across the room and to get out. He said I have no job or apartment, I'm nothing, just a bitch. Me and my brother are dead to him (for his 18th a few weeks ago he didnt even give him a card) we dont even ring him up to see how he is.

I really hate him, I know its a strong word but I actually do hate him. Basically my question is, how can I get revenge on such a horrible excuse for a human being?

twanda

That's a horrible way for a father to behave OP, but revenge is the wrong way to go. Sort yourself out with alternative accommodation and don't bother going near him again. His loss.

cowzerp

Simple answer, be a better person than he gives you credit for dont stoop to his low level..

onwards and upwards hun..

Mmmm_Lemony

People in general are nice and easy to get along with, and for the most part dont get angry and annoyed over silly things.
Maybe your father has some issues (mental or otherwise) that are being vented and directed at you, but either way your better off away from it...

Revenge is not something you should be worrying about, as you have more important things to consider like work and accomodation.

kevmy

Revenge gets you nowhere.

All I would advise is too stay away from him. Move out completely and cut contact with him. Your educated and have work experience. Get an apartment and try to get a job. You will get nothing from hurting him except some fleeting little satisfaction which will quickly go.

John Mason

why would you bother with revenge?

waste of time and energy

Overheal

Unregistered wrote: »

I really hate him, I know its a strong word but I actually do hate him. Basically my question is, how can I get revenge on such a horrible excuse for a human being?

There is only one fitting revenge in a case like that, and that is to leave and never look back. Clearly he wants to die lonely, so let him. Move on with your life. Be better than that, and don't waste perfectly good time and energy on such a miserable old fool who's words mean less than nothing. You're clearly a very strong and independent person, embrace that and go forge a new life for yourself.

star-pants

*hugs* to you firstly - that's absolutely horrible behaviour from a parent.
Revenge will never make you feel better no matter what idea you could come up with.
The biggest way to 'get back at him' would be to get away and leave him to his miserable life. He doesn't deserve a daughter like you and he's been physically and mentally abusive to you.

I really hope you get somewhere soon and that you can begin the rest of your life - you've worked really hard and you've supported yourself so you can be assured you can still do it now. You'll be stronger without someone like that ebbing your selfworth and confidence away. Move on and upwards hun

neuro-praxis

Maybe, when you're ready, try to forgive him. It might give you peace within yourself instead of the (justifiably) huge storm that is raging in you at the moment. My heart really goes out to you. It is so painful when parents do not give us what we want or need. Good luck with everything that comes next, I hope you can have lots of love and fun too in the midst of grappling with years of anger and pain.

That_Guy

Revenge is a bit harsh methinks. Move out and have a great life without him in it.

Maybe he's just insecure with himself. Maybe he's jealous that you seem to have made a good account of your life more than he has. Or maybe he's still bitter about your mam leaving but he shouldn't take that out on you. It wasn't your fault anyways.

By thinking that you need to seek revenge just proves that you're no better than he is.

You seem to have a strong head on your shoulders so don't worry about a thing.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thanks for the replies and I know I should just move on and not think about, but thats hard to do. He' s given me years of this crap and I just think why should he be allowed to get away scot free? To treat people like that and have nothing happen to you in return?

In one way I do believe in karma because xmas night when he threw me out he went down to his brother who is just another version of him. His van got smashed up and broken into, which of course was my fault! He said if it hadnt been for me he wouldnt have gone down, so it was all my fault.

Its just hard to let all these things pass and just walk away. I want him to feel pain the way he has made other people feel for years.

LegacyUser

The best way you could get revenge is by living a happy, full and productive life and leaving him alone in his sad little world, which must be pretty miserable for him to behave the way he does. Never look back.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

The best way you could get revenge is by living a happy, full and productive life.

Bingo.

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

Its just hard to let all these things pass and just walk away. I want him to feel pain the way he has made other people feel for years.

Of course it is hard - and the first thing you want to do is make them feel bad for what they've done. The sad thing is they'll never truely realise it, because they'll always project their unhappiness onto others.

I know people close to me, related and friends who had a rough time with people they knew and loved (family) and were very badly mistreated. Some of them have harboured the feelings and it's held them back emotionally. And some have only started dealing with them in the last few years. The best thing you can do for yourself is know that you're better than him. You're successful and able to carry your own. He's not, and probably resents that. Karma may come round to him - even if it means he lives the rest of his life alone, not knowing love and happiness. It's sad but true. And revenge really won't make you feel any better.

That_Guy

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP here,

Thanks for the replies and I know I should just move on and not think about, but thats hard to do. He' s given me years of this crap and I just think why should he be allowed to get away scot free? To treat people like that and have nothing happen to you in return?

In one way I do believe in karma because xmas night when he threw me out he went down to his brother who is just another version of him. His van got smashed up and broken into, which of course was my fault! He said if it hadnt been for me he wouldnt have gone down, so it was all my fault.

Its just hard to let all these things pass and just walk away. I want him to feel pain the way he has made other people feel for years.

He just wants to feel in control of everything and be a dominant figure but the important thing is to not let him get to you. As hard as it sounds you've gotta live your life and get on with your own things instead of putting up with his problems.

Make him understand that you're not a kid anymore and that you're fed up of listening to his petty rants because it seems to be taking its toll on you.

I'm sorry that you have to live with such an inconsiderate person. He's supposed to be your dad and is supposed to help you through life's little niggling problems and not create them for you thus leaving a bitter taste in your mouth.

estar

we cant help where we come from but we can help where we are going. you will never get satisfaction from this man as his viewpoint is too small. he will probably never say im sorry - i was a controlling mean dad, as that would be too much of a stretch for him to come to terms with.

leave him far behind, perhaps chat with your mom about it (maybe now you are not so blaming to her for leaving, although she could have been more support for him). she can maybe step in and support you now, as you have never asked before.

you sound very strong and capable, with such potential for love and happiness. dont let your feelings for your dad poison this for you. if you seek revenge, it is being like him. that is something he would do.

Loxosceles

What a misogynistic womanhating creep. He obviously dumped what he called 'women's work' on you, treated you like a liability and a servant, and didn't encourage you to be anything special one way or another; he had no dreams or hopes for you as a successful person and resented your very existence. What bothers me is the fact that your mother took your brother and left you to such a creep.

There's little you can do, but you need to find out how much of that house he owns, and what will pass on to you after death. Go around him to your own solicitor and see if there is some way you can protect and secure a share in the inheritance as a direct descendent without him having a strop and striking you out of the will.

The one thing I strongly suggest doing is getting solid relationship counseling for you and your BF so that this situation does not affect your long-term relationships and you remain capable of creating your own life independent of what you had to manage with this profound loser.

Because in actuality, you will discover that as time passes, the best revenge is seeing what that type of person turns into and the sort of lonely, disgusting, rotten death they suffer. And it really, really is, the absolute best revenge, because as you grow richer, wiser, stronger and more capable...they dwindle, suffer, and die alone. Your full satisfaction won't be seen for maybe 15 years or a few more, but you will start seeing it in perhaps 5. It will be enough to make you sit back chuffed and cheery for a long, long, long time. Any short-term revenge right now robs you of that illuminating pleasure, that if you wait for interest to accrue, even if it seems lopsided now, I guarantee will operate at 100% pure golden profit.

And if he drinks or smokes, make sure all the obligatory holiday and birthday gifts are of the alcohol or smoke variety, so that he puts off quitting another day.

And with a legally airtight interest in his property as a direct beneficiary, you can just ignore him and get on with your life and watch the satisfaction unfold as you accrue your own wealth and success.

Just sit back with some popcorn and watch the inevitable breakdown and destruction of the selfish human ego. Learn to love the act of quietly, patiently, and within all legal boundaries, bringing evil down upon the heads of those who do it, one little bit at a time, without remorse and without conscience but as a merciless enforcer of universal law. The only way out is if your father throws himself at the feet of salvation, and if you keep him away from that and feed his bitterness and pessimism, he won't ever find that doorway. The best revenge is if he dies alone and his soul is lost utterly in the cold. If you want it, and he deserves it, then take it.

But it's a good moment to reflect the act of asking someone like me about the true path to revenge, and whether or not it should be replaced with pity in the end.

MagicMarker

Loxosceles wrote: »

What a misogynistic womanhating creep. He obviously dumped what he called 'women's work' on you, treated you like a liability and a servant, and didn't encourage you to be anything special one way or another; he had no dreams or hopes for you as a successful person and resented your very existence. What bothers me is the fact that your mother took your brother and left you to such a creep.

There's little you can do, but you need to find out how much of that house he owns, and what will pass on to you after death. Go around him to your own solicitor and see if there is some way you can protect and secure a share in the inheritance as a direct descendent without him having a strop and striking you out of the will.

The one thing I strongly suggest doing is getting solid relationship counseling for you and your BF so that this situation does not affect your long-term relationships and you remain capable of creating your own life independent of what you had to manage with this profound loser.

Because in actuality, you will discover that as time passes, the best revenge is seeing what that type of person turns into and the sort of lonely, disgusting, rotten death they suffer. And it really, really is, the absolute best revenge, because as you grow richer, wiser, stronger and more capable...they dwindle, suffer, and die alone. Your full satisfaction won't be seen for maybe 15 years or a few more, but you will start seeing it in perhaps 5. It will be enough to make you sit back chuffed and cheery for a long, long, long time. Any short-term revenge right now robs you of that illuminating pleasure, that if you wait for interest to accrue, even if it seems lopsided now, I guarantee will operate at 100% pure golden profit.

And if he drinks or smokes, make sure all the obligatory holiday and birthday gifts are of the alcohol or smoke variety, so that he puts off quitting another day.

And with a legally airtight interest in his property as a direct beneficiary, you can just ignore him and get on with your life and watch the satisfaction unfold as you accrue your own wealth and success.

Just sit back with some popcorn and watch the inevitable breakdown and destruction of the selfish human ego. Learn to love the act of quietly, patiently, and within all legal boundaries, bringing evil down upon the heads of those who do it, one little bit at a time, without remorse and without conscience but as a merciless enforcer of universal law. The only way out is if your father throws himself at the feet of salvation, and if you keep him away from that and feed his bitterness and pessimism, he won't ever find that doorway. The best revenge is if he dies alone and his soul is lost utterly in the cold. If you want it, and he deserves it, then take it.

But it's a good moment to reflect the act of asking someone like me about the true path to revenge, and whether or not it should be replaced with pity in the end.

OP, if there's one thing you should do, it's to ignore this post. ^^

Move on with your life, don't give him a second thought.

LegacyUser

I never had a good relationship with my father, he always tried to pick some sort of fight with me but i passed it off because he was in serious pain at the time and to be honest looking back on it now it was better than doing it to my mother or sister. When i got older it started to get a bit worse because i was obviously fair game the older i got. One day i was about 16 or 17 and he pushed me that bit too far and i pushed him to the ground. I seemed to gain a bit of respect from him after that for a few years. When i turned 18 i moved away and got a job and was getting on great but circumstances made me have to move back home when i was 22. I started up a business with a friend and i moved out once again and got engaged for a couple of years and things were great. Then things started to go downhill at home and after i split with my fiance at the time i was asked to move back home for a couple of months. In this time i learned what had been going on for years. He was a compulsive gambler, bills were not being paid, several dodgy mortgages were taken out, debt collectors were showing up etc. This was having a massive effect on my parents marriage which was always strong and eventually my mother couldnt take it anymore, her decision and i respect it. My sister had been living at home and she started to take the blame for my mother leaving and she asked me would i share a house with her for a few months until she got sorted. I agreed. I ended up sharing with her for a year until she got engaged. In the meantime the family home had been re-posessed and sold off and my dad had moved into another house with his new girlfriend. He knew i was looking for a place while i completed the purchase of my own house and he suggested i move in with him until it was sorted so i agreed and i spent christmas with him and his girlfriend. About a week after christmas he called me from work and asked me to put the lawnmower in the trailer for him and i said i would as soon as i had my paperwork done. He arrived home about an hour later and went fcukin mental and i mean mental. My solicitor was in the house at the time and she nearly died. There was no reasoning with him and he told me to **** off out of the house now and he didnt care if i had a place to go or not. I didnt want to be ringing friends to crash at theirs at christmas. So i just said fine i'll go and me and my solicitor (poor girl lol) left. I came back around 1 that morning and just packed what stuff i had (the rest was in storage) and i left. He tried calling me the next day but i said to myself that i will talk to him when i'm ready. So i cut all contact with him for about three weeks and he called one day and i answered and he started going on about how i owed him housekeeping money to which i replied 'you threw me out on a monday' to which he replied 'well 30 will do' So i hung up and cut all contact with him for about a year and a half. Now when he calls me to do something for him he says please and thanks. We have been away for weekends together. If i drive him somewhere he offers petrol money. He rings me to see if i want to go for a pint on a saturday. He even rings me just to chat.
My dad thought that it was still a 13 year old boy in front of him willing to take verbal abuse and be embarassed into submission, but it wasn't. I stood up for myself and said fcuk it im 27 years old and nobody not even my father can talk to me like that. I dont have to listen to that sh1te at my age, and by cutting ties with him the way i did woke him up to the reality that he had lost his entire family and it was HIS fault not ours. Do not let this man wreck your head because it will wreck your life and you will end up a doormat. You need to get out there and give it a go and dont give him a second thought until you feel you are ready to talk to him again. Trust me you will feel so much better about yourself in the end.

LegacyUser

I have to agree, IGNORE THAT MESSAGE! wtf??

OP - you have been treated very very badly - i agree with other posters... Best thing you can do is instead of wasting your energy with revenge.. Put it into starting over.. without your dad... it's his loss. He will regret his actions himself one day. that'll be enough revenge

You sound like your well capable of looking after yourself - you don't need someone dragging you down like that...

I wish you every success, x

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I have to agree, IGNORE THAT MESSAGE! wtf??

OP - you have been treated very very badly - i agree with other posters... Best thing you can do is instead of wasting your energy with revenge.. Put it into starting over.. without your dad... it's his loss. He will regret his actions himself one day. that'll be enough revenge

You sound like your well capable of looking after yourself - you don't need someone dragging you down like that...

I wish you every success, x

sorry - just to clarify - I meant I agree with MagicMaker - ignore post Originally Posted by Loxosceles -

tommyboy2222

The best revenge would be to completely cut him out of your life.

Sephiroth_dude

I know you want revenge but you know what hes not worth it,dont stoop to his level just ignore him and try and get on with your life,when he wants something or he's feeling lonely he'll come running and thats when you tell him too **** off!noone deserves to treated like hes treating you.

LegacyUser

I am going to play devils advocate and suggest that maybe your father is deeply hurt and broken inside. This does not give him call for abusing and treating you the way he does. I have been through the splitting up of my marriage and family and have never really gotten over it. My kids must think I am a miserable git because I am never happy when they are around because they are constant reminders of my failed marriage. What you can do is give him unconditional love. If he throws it back in your face at least you tried.

david

I know I'm going against the majority here but it sounds like your Dad has extremely serious mental health issues. Has he always been like this or was it just triggered by the family breakup?

He may seem like a complete bastard that deserves what he gets but if he doesn't get help he'll continue with his miserable existance which is no life to live. Does he have any brothers/sisters that you could get to talk to him?

Very sad story op, I feel for you.

Loxosceles

Unregistered wrote: »

sorry - just to clarify - I meant I agree with MagicMaker - ignore post Originally Posted by Loxosceles -

It takes sucking the absolute extreme out of the desire for revenge to show others how ugly and cold an emotion it is in the end. That's why the last sentence about pity was included. If it creeped you out, then good. That was my intention.

Oh The Humanity

Unregistered wrote: »

OK so this might be a long one so please bear with me.

Basically my mam and dad broke up when I was 14, I'm now 24. When my mam left, she had had an affair, I'd never really been that close to her and blamed her for splitting up the family. She went off with her new boyfriend and took my brother with her. I stayed with my dad.

When I was in school I had a job, since the age of 15 and so when it came to paying for stuff, even down to school books, I paid for it myself, never got a penny off either parent. When I was in college, it was the same except I paid for everything I needed myself - books,travel,food,clothes so basically never cost my parents a penny except maybe small amount of electricity. This was never enough for my father, he still wanted me to be handing up money which was impossible working part time while I was in college.

Instead, I had to cook him meals and clean the house from top to bottom during the week. After I finished college, I got a full time job and moved out as I really couldnt stand living there any more, HELL, would be an understatement. Anyway, I saved up some money and decided after a couple of years to go travelling for a bit. Unfortunately when I came back I had to move back in with my father, which I knew beforehand and it couldnt be helped.

I had to job to come back to, so wasnt working, but I didnt want the constant fights that had been the norm before, so I sat down with my father and I said, I know your working and tired when you come home. So I know I need to clean the house and cook dinners if I'm not working, thats fine I said theres no need for constant arguments.

So I had been staying there for a couple of months, but no matter what, he is the type of person that goes looking for trouble. He went away for a short break, my boyfriend got a lend of a friends car to drive him to the airport. When he came back, the house was immaculate and there was a cup of tea waiting for him. STILL, he says those F*****G lightswitches are filthy, go and clean them. This is just some of the petty crap he comes out with. He told me I should be down on my knees kissing his feet cos he let me stay back in the house. At xmas, my BF again got a lend of a car and we went xmas shopping for him, just cos he couldnt be bothered doing it himself, even though he has a van himself.

Come xmas morning I get up and hes still in bed, now he usually would cook xmas dinner but nothing was on that day. I went up to get dressed and by 3 he was still in bed so I went in to ask was he havin dinner. At this point he proceeds to call me a selfish bitch gettin him up, starts goin on a rant and tells me to get out. Basically he through me out on xmas day, I had to go to my mothers, who I really am not close to.

Anyway, I went up tonight to collect a printer cos my stuff is still up there, I've nowhere to put it yet till I get an apartment. I said I have a week to get the rest of my stuff out cos hes renting out my room. I just said yeah. Hes says who the f*** are you coming into my house giving me cheek and grabs me by the arm and throws me across the room and to get out. He said I have no job or apartment, I'm nothing, just a bitch. Me and my brother are dead to him (for his 18th a few weeks ago he didnt even give him a card) we dont even ring him up to see how he is.

I really hate him, I know its a strong word but I actually do hate him. Basically my question is, how can I get revenge on such a horrible excuse for a human being?

The best revenge you can get is to get your stuff and cut him dead and move on with your life.

I am just wondering if you could maybe start improving your relationship with your mother?

Its possible your Dad has become horribly bitter because of the break up BUT its also possible he has always been a miserable so and so and his nasty attitude was ultimately unbearable for your Mother.

Children see things through different eyes, maybe your Mother tried her hardest with him but he just was impossible, ok she had an affair which is never ideal, but its possible she reached the end of her tether and fell into the nearest set of open arms...?

Anyway, I think you should get your stuff out and store it somewhere temporarily until you can find another alternative, this man is nothing but a bully. Before you go coat the light switches in Tuna juice.

biko

Send him occasional postcards/Christmas cards showing how happy you are. That's the best revenge, that you are happy in spite of him.

Gone Fishin

Hi there,
I'm sorry for the position you are in. I hate to say this but your Father is a weak man. He obviously has a whole bag of chips on his shoulder and unfortunately you are the one he is venting his anger at. You have done incredibly well to get yourself into the position you are in. To pay your way from such an early age and to be that independent is a credit to yourself - well done. You need to pat yourself on the back for your achievements, it is something that you should feel good and proud of.
For you now, your independence is crucial and you will have to maintain it. Try your best not have to call on him for anything. If you can stay with a friend or relative for a while until you get an apartment or other place to stay, that would be the best course of action for you. It might also be worth chatting to a counsellor about it, these type of things can leave underlying scars and sometimes professional help is the only way to deal with it.
In terms of revenge, don't bother, you will only end up cutting yourself up over it, you don't need that. If you are to have one last conversation, remind him that you will most likely be the one choosing his nursing home!

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the replies and I know I should just move on and not think about, but thats hard to do. He' s given me years of this crap and I just think why should he be allowed to get away scot free? To treat people like that and have nothing happen to you in return?

Well, that's life. In reality he's not been able to get away scot free, his wife left him and if he pays her maintenance, he would be reminded of this every month as a chunk of his money goes to someone who screwed him over.

Of course this does not excuse him for his behaviour towards you (or potentially your mother when they were married), however if there is something I have learned is that parents are ultimately just people and once you reach a certain age you finally realize that they are as prone to the same dumb failings are everyone else. His is that his bitterness ended up turning against you.

I would move out and get your own life. Your absence will at best create a fonder perspective for both of you of each other and at worst will mean that he can only blame himself in the future.

Oh The Humanity

Broken Low wrote: »

I am going to play devils advocate and suggest that maybe your father is deeply hurt and broken inside. This does not give him call for abusing and treating you the way he does. I have been through the splitting up of my marriage and family and have never really gotten over it. My kids must think I am a miserable git because I am never happy when they are around because they are constant reminders of my failed marriage. What you can do is give him unconditional love. If he throws it back in your face at least you tried.

She has already given him 'unconditional love' which he in no way earned or deserved. He has already thrown it back in her face.

OP I would urge you to draw a line under it now and not to waste any more emotional energy on it.

We can often see unresolved situations like this where people have wronged us as unfinished business and fantasise about 'getting even' but in reality and attempt to do so will take more out of you than him.

Let him play the victim till he dies, some people will lie down and die after a marriage break up blaming everyone else etc

Others will pull themselves up by the bootlaces and put the lot behind them, injustices and all. Thats what you should do.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I am just wondering if you could maybe start improving your relationship with your mother?

Its possible your Dad has become horribly bitter because of the break up BUT its also possible he has always been a miserable so and so and his nasty attitude was ultimately unbearable for your Mother.

Children see things through different eyes, maybe your Mother tried her hardest with him but he just was impossible, ok she had an affair which is never ideal, but its possible she reached the end of her tether and fell into the nearest set of open arms...?

Exactly what I've been thinking all the way through this thread.

OP, is is possible that your Mum just couldn't take it anymore and that's why the marriage broke down? It can be very hard to know the full truth of what goes on in a relationship sometimes, from the childrens' point of view. If your Dad is like this with you, it's very likely he was like this with your Mum too.

In any case the man has serious issues and you need to cut ALL contact with him for your own sanity, at least for the moment. Forget about revenge. I doubt there would be anything you could do that would have any impact on him anyway, he sounds way too self centred to be bothered by what anyone does. Thinking about revenge will only hurt you and cause you sleepless nights. Moving on and being happy in spite of him is the best revenge.

I agree about working on your relationship with your Mum - there could be a whole other side to the story that you aren't aware of.

Sanjuro

Hi OP. Sorry to hear about your predicament. It's a really horrible situation. I know your instinct is to get revenge. You want this person to feel even a shred of the pain that you feel. It's just natural. But you are a better person than him. There is no need to lower yourself to his level. Getting revenge will give you a moment of satisfaction, but will ultimately leave you feeling empty.

The best thing you can do is lead a good life. Put him out of your life and make no contact with him. I guarantee, one day, he will come looking for you and will be looking for forgiveness. I myself come from a broken home. And my father and I never got along. We once had a fight and didn't speak to each other for about 13 months. Eventually, however, things got back to speaking terms and we ended up having a relationship which, while not being close, was at a level where we could hang out and have a laugh. Which was good, because unfortunately a year after that, he passed away suddenly. But I'm glad I never bore grudges against the guy. He had his issues and problems, and my desire to make him 'pay' for my issues would only make me feel rotten now.

These feelings will pass. And you will feel a whole lot better. He isn't worth the hassle. And will one day come looking for some sort of reconciliation with you. The loneliness and isolation will make him think. I hope ye eventually have a good relationship. Best of luck!

Loxosceles

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Let him play the victim till he dies, some people will lie down and die after a marriage break up blaming everyone else etc

Others will pull themselves up by the bootlaces and put the lot behind them, injustices and all. Thats what you should do.

Mmmmmm that works only in theory, and it's a theory employed only by religious authorities who want normal people to hold and apply the ideals of clergy to normal human life. None of us are angels so why should we force ourselves to be angelic regarding such awful people when we still have to get on with human life? It just makes us bitter and dictates the same ineffective ideals repeatedly to people who will in the end feel just as helpless as victims.

The ugly truth is, losers like this are a liability of massive time and energy wasted, to those of us unfortunately also intelligent enough to know that illegal acts, which put our sacrifices to rights, will likely only put us in jail. So we do the smart thing and refrain. But the real suffering is knowing that we have to sit on our hands in order to get on with everyone else who is living a happy life, and pretend that we are all as happy-go-lucky as they are.

Can we do it if we are victims? Impossible, unless things attain equilibrium in some form or another. It takes ten times the time and effort to rise above suffering caused by another person, without making things equal, than it does to endure the suffering. We cannot ignore being victims or devalue it for the sake of 'hiking ourselves up by the bootstraps' when all we want to do is get on with life anyhow, and this is precisely what's in the way. The correct action is not hot-blooded revenge but the right kind of legal revenge.

Just 'rising above' someone who causes you immense suffering is impossible. They need to be informed in one severe legal form or another that they have caused pain and suffering and that they will be held fully accountable for it. Personally, where I'm from, a lawsuit for damages and emotional pain and suffering incurred before the age of majority (when OP was unable to choose to leave home) would be appropriate if the statute of limitation of 7 years has not yet been reached. That would certainly make things clear: stating what has been endured before authorities in a court of law while the protagonist looks on. This is the best outcome for the worst of situations.

Who can just swallow losses and go on with things when it was not by stupidity or choice that someone was forced into it? That is the pure definition of being a genuine victim, and I for one think that dropping and ignoring it is not a solution. It has to be dealt with comprehensively in one form or another.

LegacyUser

And you wonder why your mam moved out?

Forget revenge. Talk to your mam, tell her what's happened, tell her how you feel. It's an opportunity to build a relationship and now you're an adult it could help both of you grow and leave hte past behind.

Sanjuro

I'm sorry, Loxosceles, but that's a load of rubbish. By your rationale, we'd all be broke and constantly in court taking legal action against every single wrong done to us. Legal proceedings are a ludicrous course of action to take.

pandas

report his assault/battery to the Gardai!!!!!!!! he assaulted/battered you from what i understood in that message!!

Darthhoob

dont get revenge. things only get worse and you wont feel better...plus you'll be lowering yourself to his level. the best thing to do would be to move on and live your life FOR YOU!

fell out with my dad last week, he took a swipe at my special needs son for a stupid reason and then flung verbal abuse at my OH (who was there and told him he was in the wrong). he wont admit he was wrong and just flings more abuse and said he didn't want to be a part of my OH's family...meaning me and the kids too :mad: so stuff him, we are moving near my inlaws who are very understanding and lovely and it would be a good support network for me and my son(s).

dad will die a bitter lonely old man, with noone to care. my two brothers live with him still (lol) but they dont talk and they are VERY angry with what he did too.

i feel upset ofc, but im glad i dont have to worry about him anymore, i have enough to deal with and so do you x x

consultech

As has been said plenty in this thread, revenge is probably not the best way to go. I/we can see why you are hurting, but lowering yourself to his level of existence will not make you feel any better, and will only create an ongoing reliance on punishing him.

A "revenge" of sorts is to try and make your life as fulfilling and happy as possible. Leave him behind, and if you must, occasionally drop him a line to let him know how great you are doing. If he's as big a c*nt as u say this will kill him. A friend of mine broke free of a very similar situation to yours, and her only contact with her parents since was to send a picture of her new house, lovely kid, and '08 car (she worked for everything, most dedicated person I know) with the offer that she's always there for advice if they need to improve themselves as people.

Loxosceles

Sanjuro wrote: »

I'm sorry, Loxosceles, but that's a load of rubbish. By your rationale, we'd all be broke and constantly in court taking legal action against every single wrong done to us. Legal proceedings are a ludicrous course of action to take.

Good lord you think I'd waste my time on taking some cheapskate who swipes 50p to court? Legal proceedings are only one route to hoisting a petard with maximum effectiveness.

Redpunto

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Maybe, when you're ready, try to forgive him. It might give you peace within yourself instead of the (justifiably) huge storm that is raging in you at the moment..

I think OP is really not in that state of mind to be able to forgive this man who has no right to call himself a father.

Set up a life for yourself and never look back - surround yourself with people you can trust and you can start to heal yourself. break all contact with this man and after a while you'll come out a stronger person at the end of it.

Good luck

Princessa

I really feel for you, *virtual hug to you*. The only thing you can do is use this awful experience to your own advantage, you will be a much stronger person from the hell that you have personally endured. Cut all ties with him, his loss by the sounds of it. Good luck. xxx

Kidchameleon

cowzerp worte:

"dont stoop to his low level"


+1 on that

Regards and Good Luck.

The Skulls

Your Father is a very bitter man & given his approximate age he's seeing life pass him by; you will never get through to someone with so much self loathing. Your revenge will be the knowledge that he will eventually be alone in the world with no one to around to blame. I personally had a silmilar situation with my only brother, we've not spoken in 15 years, your revenge should be just getting on with your life, you're young, educated & have a lifetime of potential & a lifetime of experience ahead of you so enjoy it. Let your father rot in his own juices. Although if you really wanted to wind him up you could send him 'get well soon' cards now & again. Tends to wind people of that mindset up in my experience.

LostinBlanch

There's a saying that the best revenge is a well lived life. In other words look after yourself right now, something you've shown yourself more than capable of doing.

Even though it's perfectly natural right now to want to cause him hurt in payment for the obvious hurt he's caused you, it's not going to make you feel better.

EDIT: It may give you some kind of short term lift but you'll feel worse for it afterwards. Why? Two wrongs don't make a right; and why stoop to his level? That might even give him some kind of perverse satisfaction where he can (in his mind) have some justification for his skewed view of you.

You've shown that you can look after yourself. Go back to that, get your strength back; and when you feel ready you can address the issue of whether you want to have any more contact with him - but on your own terms.

Any way good luck with it and look after yourself.

Splendour

Loxosceles wrote: »

Good lord you think I'd waste my time on taking some cheapskate who swipes 50p to court? Legal proceedings are only one route to hoisting a petard with maximum effectiveness.

Waste of time, energy and money, as is the suggestion of going to the guards...

OP, your Dad is obviously a victim and a very bitter one at that. (He sounds like my ex. who at the moment isn't talking to 2 of our 3 children). People like who think this way will never be at peace with themselves. I detect a bitterness (understandable) in you too. Look at your Dad and learn from him; please don't go down the road he's on.

Can you maybe try get some counselling? I realise you don't have a lot of cash at the moment, but there are some voluntary counselling services around. Maybe ring your local church to see if any available there?

Please focus on yourself and not this man or you will become obsessed with him in an unhealthy way. And I do understand as I see the pain my daughter has gone through with her Dad.

Take care...

lushballs

Did he treat your mother like this? If so no wonder she left him?
Must be really painful to be let down by another parent.
You are lucky to have a boyfriend and your future in front of you, put all your energy there.
He is abusive to you so stay away from him.
Revengeful thoughts are normal as long as you don't act on them. Revenge is really all your hurt & angry feelings. What about writing them out? Revenge is like swallowing poison and then waiting for the other person to die.
What about writing a letter to your father about your feelings?
Be kind to yourself while you are healing from this relationship.

LegacyUser

OP here again

Thank you for so many replies and they really made me think. I think people are right I need to cut him out of my life completely. Only anger and negativity ever comes for ever spending any time with him. I've gone down the route where I haven't spoken to him for months before, when I had my own apartment and it was me who had to ring and text him to get back in contact.

Im not doing that again, I don't need it in my life. (although I do like the idea of the get well soon cards ) I'm getting my stuff out, redirecting my post and moving on with my life.

consultech

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here again

Thank you for so many replies and they really made me think. I think people are right I need to cut him out of my life completely. Only anger and negativity ever comes for ever spending any time with him. I've gone down the route where I haven't spoken to him for months before, when I had my own apartment and it was me who had to ring and text him to get back in contact.

Im not doing that again, I don't need it in my life. (although I do like the idea of the get well soon cards ) I'm getting my stuff out, redirecting my post and moving on with my life.

Really glad to hear it! I wouldnt even tell the fucker you're doing it though!