Strange experience with friend at work

LegacyUser

Hi there guys. I'm writing today to get some opinions on what's going on at work. I work in a very big company but we are very departmentalised. I am friendly with a guy in my department and we often chat at lunch as we usually end up the canteen around the same time each day. I have been working here for the past four years and I have been friendly with this guy for at least 3 years. He would be a 'step' above me in the company but it's never really spoke about you know. I am getting married in December. My fiance has a very good job and He does earn quite alot more than I do. Again, not an issue for me at all. Money is never an issue with us (myself and my fiance) It is just not important to us. We live well within our means. We are not extravagant, we save etc. Now my problem is my friend in work. He has lately started making very catty comments about my Fiance. They know eachother a little they would have met as Christmas parties and such. Now these comments are very subtle but they are bothering me nontheless. He says things like ''sure *Tom* is earning loads now you'll be set up'' etc. and ''you can scab off Tom''. Also he makes comments about my Fiance being very serious and such. Valentines day was awful, He asked what Tom had gotten me and I explained that we dont usually celebrate Valentines day as I don't really believe in it. He said ''Is that your idea or Tom's'' He was making him out to be cheap or something.I explained that Tom makes little nice gestures all year round so, you know that was good enough for me. My colleague basically made Me feel like **** you know, saying that It would have been nice to get flowers or a card. He said that is what He would have done if he had a partner, he would make sure that they knew how much he loved them. I felt awful. He is constantly making snide remarks in a subtle way and It is really starting to bother me. You know, like this morning at 11 we were sitting having a cuppa and he asked me if work had been slacking off for Tom. I said no that it had been the opposite thank god and He just sort of sniggered to himself. I was so taken aback.

Another lunchtime we were talking about the recession again and it came up that Tom and I have a joint bank account and He said there's no way we should. Because of the difference in earnings. I thought, my God.. He said always that himself and his ex girlfriend never had that because two seperate works out easier, ''if u spend a lot on something you dont have to jusitfy yourself to the other person''. I just thought it was so weird of him to say that.

He also makes comments about our life style. We do stay in quite a bit. The pub scene is not our thing and we don't go out alot. We have friends around for meals and such. Every Monday morning at tea break He is asking if we did anything special and you know saying things like '' Did you have any fun at all?'' He was suggesting that myself and Tom should go on holidays soon. It's nothing to do with him really! As if to say we are boring or what I think is that he thinks that Tom doesn't bring me out enough of has Me under his thumb too much.

This year Tom had to work late so He didnt come with me to the Christmas party. I left about 12am and Tom collected me and my colleague was trying to convince me to stay but I really didnt want to. So when the time came for me to go he said ''Say hi to Tom for me, God he is so in control of you'' I was so upset by this

I have asked him before if He doesnt like Tom and he says no thats not it I just think you should be sure you want to marry him He says he just wants what's best for me. I just find it all so strange to be honest. He is very nice to me but he really gives my fiance a very hard time. I think I will have to stop being friendly with him because it really annoys me.

Just wondering if anyone else has evr had an experience like this? Its so bizarre and upsetting. I just want to get some feedback as I would like work to be comfortable you know?

Thanks guys

shellyboo

Um, he quite clearly fancies you and hates your fiance.

Don't be putting up with that kind of crap from him - tell him you won't stand to have your fiance run down and if he has nothing nice to say that he's not to say anything to you at all.

Next time he makes a comment like that just turn on your heel and walk away.

LegacyUser

Could it be possible that he fancies you and is jealous of Tom??

MagicMarker

Honestly, most of the comments he makes are completely harmless.

Methinks you should develop a thicker skin tbh.

Otis Driftwood

Agree with Shellyboo,he sounds like a bit of a tool TBH.

Poloman

On the ball Shellyboo.

If you were in school he would be calling you names and punching you.

Either pull him aside and tell him to stop talking about Tom in such a way (nice approach) or else next time he says something like that say "Ya, well you dont have a partner to do that with and its clear for all to see why you dont".. and laugh out loud. (other approach).

And fk if he is higher than you in the company. Put that smug git in his place. Good luck.

Persiancowboy

This sounds like a serious case of this guy being into you but he knows you are unavailable - in short it is jealousy. You are engaged and are settled and happy. You also seem financially secure. In short you probably have all the things he would like to be giving you but can't. His way of "dealing" with this is to pass snide and caustic remarks which are aimed at chipping a way at your sense of well being etc.

Best to ignore him - if this is not possible you will just have to face up to telling him to p*ss off and that his behaviour and comments are causing you upset and offence. All good employers these days have policies and procedures for dealing with this sort of stuff - threaten him with going to HR if he does not back off.

shellyboo

MagicMarker wrote: »

Honestly, most of the comments he makes are completely harmless.

Methinks you should develop a thicker skin tbh.

I dunno - I wouldn't sit still for anyone insulting my boyfriend never mind my fiance. Friends either for that matter, and especially since he's never met the guy, I think it's really inappropriate. No matter how harmless or misguided the insults, it's just plain rude.

Gyalist

Congrats. You have an orbiter.

He fancies you and thinks that he'd be in with a chance if he demeans your fiance. You'll have to be more assertive with him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the quick reply guys. I really doubt he fancies me to be fair. He talks openly about his ex with me and about his other ladies and things. I'm not much of a looker to be honest and I doubt that's it. Maybe he is just an asshole. His comments may be harmless but they do upset me. And I may need to get ''tougher skin'' but I have gone through alot worse in my past that hasnt effected me like this it's very strange I am just feeling so defensive for my fiances sake

Loxosceles

MagicMarker wrote: »

Honestly, most of the comments he makes are completely harmless.

Methinks you should develop a thicker skin tbh.

Is that always your universal answer to psychological bullying?

Ignore this magicmarker, OP, fortunately he's the dry-erase variety. I used to work in retail management and personnel relations in the US. Your coworker is most definitely crossing the line regarding your personal life and needs to be given a reprimand from a higher authority for doing so. The concerning issues here are that whether or not your coworker fancies you, the first comments you shared clearly denote a rationale that he thinks you don't need to be working, as you are a woman and your man will provide for you. This is overt sexism and needs to be nipped in the butt immediately.

dsg

When a man says no a woman will accept he means no, when a woman says no a man will see it as the beginnings of a negotiation.

That guy is moving into some dangerous territory. Don't take it.

Suggestion, read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. It'll open your eyes.

c - 13

He fancies you and is not so subtly hinting at the things he would "do better" if he were you fiancee. Simple as. Pay no heed.

ManOfMystery

As long as YOU are happy with your fiance, YOU are happy with your social life, and YOU are happy with your financials, who cares what he thinks?

I know some people will say just ignore him, but I understand that can be difficult when you see someone every working day and they constantly make these remarks.

If I was you, I would spend my time with people who are less judgemental in work ............. or else you need to have a talk with this guy and let him know that his twisted (and incorrect) opinions of your fiance and your life together are out of order.

TBH it does sounds as if there's some jealousy. Normal happy people don't spend all their time criticising the lives of others.

MagicMarker

Loxosceles wrote: »

Is that always your universal answer to psychological bullying?

Ignore this magicmarker, OP, fortunately he's the dry-erase variety. I used to work in retail management and personnel relations in the US. Your coworker is most definitely crossing the line regarding your personal life and needs to be given a reprimand from a higher authority for doing so. The concerning issues here are that whether or not your coworker fancies you, the first comments you shared clearly denote a rationale that he thinks you don't need to be working, as you are a woman and your man will provide for you. This is overt sexism and needs to be nipped in the butt immediately.

lol.

How very 'out there'.

OP, take heed of this advice, be sure to report your co worker for being sexist based on an insignificant comment he made long ago, let's see what their response will be.

starflake

Mayb the OP's fiance is too controlling and her friend is just looking out for her? I know a girl.. wont name names but her boyfriend sounds exactly like that tight with money and stays up in the room with her wont mix with her friends and stuff and He's an A rdehole tbh

starflake

MagicMarker wrote: »

lol.

How very 'out there'.

I doubt that is helping matters very much either to be honest

tbh

next time he asks you a question you don't feel comfortable answering, give a little laugh. When he asks what you are laughing at, tell him you just think it's funny that he thinks he has the right to ask you such an inappropriate question. He'll be embarrassed, and that'll be an end to it.

shellyboo

starflake wrote: »

Mayb the OP's fiance is too controlling and her friend is just looking out for her? I know a girl.. wont name names but her boyfriend sounds exactly like that tight with money and stays up in the room with her wont mix with her friends and stuff and He's an A rdehole tbh

That might be the case, but I don't really think it's appropriate for a work colleague who has no real knowledge of the situation to be passing comment on her relationship.

It's not like the OP has asked for advice or complained, and it's not like the guy is expressing genuine concern... he's taking sly swipes at her fiance about things (like finances) that are none of his business.

dreamlogic

His snide remarks are nothing personal against you or your fiance.
They say more about his personality(or lack of) than anything else. Don't interpret his remarks as having any deeper meaning than just an attempt at lunchtime banter.
You have two options as I see it.
Give back as good as you get, ask him outright if he is jealous etc. make a joke out of it.
Or if you'd feel uncomfortable doing that then make a point of sitting at a different table than him for a while. Hopefully he will take the hint that he is being a pain.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

lol.

How very 'out there'.

OP, take heed of this advice, be sure to report your co worker for being sexist based on an insignificant comment he made long ago, let's see what their response will be.

Gosh thanks for the support. I asked for a bit of advise, not for someone to make fun of me. The things he says really get to me. They might be insignificant to you, but to me, someone constantly ridiculing the man I love is kind of a big deal, especially when I have to sit at the desk opposite him for forty hours a week.

Thanks to everyone else for their advice

Xiney

I agree with PP, he fancies you and his tales of how he would woo his partner and talking to you about his ex and his "other ladies" is just him trying to get you to see him as "boyfriend material" rather than "just friends"


If he wasn't being such a d*ck about it, I'd say turn it around and make lots of comments about how you look on him as a brother, etc. However, since he is behaving so poorly, you'll have to put him in his place.


Next time he says something like, "well I can't believe he didn't get you any flowers!"

Tell him, frankly, that you would not have been impressed if someone had directly gone against your wishes and celebrated valentine's day when you had no wish to.

Next time he comments on you two not going on holiday, tell him you're saving for the honeymoon and you'd hate to go on holiday now if it meant a less fun honeymoon.


Remind him at every turn that you are with your fiance, not with him, and there's a reason for that - he'd fail at being with you.



Then again, if I were you I'd simply start ignoring him.

LegacyUser

Xiney wrote: »

I agree with PP, he fancies you and his tales of how he would woo his partner and talking to you about his ex and his "other ladies" is just him trying to get you to see him as "boyfriend material" rather than "just friends"


If he wasn't being such a d*ck about it, I'd say turn it around and make lots of comments about how you look on him as a brother, etc. However, since he is behaving so poorly, you'll have to put him in his place.


Next time he says something like, "well I can't believe he didn't get you any flowers!"

Tell him, frankly, that you would not have been impressed if someone had directly gone against your wishes and celebrated valentine's day when you had no wish to.

Next time he comments on you two not going on holiday, tell him you're saving for the honeymoon and you'd hate to go on holiday now if it meant a less fun honeymoon.


Remind him at every turn that you are with your fiance, not with him, and there's a reason for that - he'd fail at being with you.



Then again, if I were you I'd simply start ignoring him.

Thank You for this. I will use that advice, It will work for sure, thanks

LegacyUser

Be straight with this fella, next time he makes a snidey comment, laugh and say 'oooohh here we go again, the green eyed monster is out again'

If he says 'he only wants whats best for you' very simply and straightly tell him its not for him to decide whats best for you and to back off.

Let it hang in the air, just like that, really bluntly. Dont backtrack, dont sugar coat it, if he squirms or gets defensive let him. Hold him in your cold eye contact until he withers.

If he tries to counter with anything cut him down with logic. Let him know you are not going to accept any of his judgements of your husband. Let him know that you reject those judgements and you do not CARE what he thinks. Neither do you EVER want to hear about it again. If you want to drive the point home more, state that you wouldn't accept judgements like his from your CLOSE friends never mind some AQUAINTENCE in work. (he will be shocked to realise his place and wont dare open his mouth to you again)

You need to make him uncomfortable, dont be afraid of making a scene, thats the only power he has over you currently and you are handing it to him on a plate with your passive non reaction.

You need to train him that his snide comments result in his embarassment and he will have to stop doing them.

Prepare the ground in advance by (BRIEFLY) explaining the situation to any potential witnesses so they dont all get suprised and think you're paranoid or leap to his defence.

Simply put him in his place. Stop being so polite. Yes it will be a bit uncomfortable for a while but thats his problem not yours. Anyway he has put you in a situation where you have no choice.

missmatty

Some friend this guy is. To be honest I don't know how you've managed to listen to all this poison for this long. Can't you put him politely in his place?

ibarelycare

OP, like everyone else, my initial thought was that this guy fancied you. But it could also be that he's one of those people who likes to belittle others to make themselves feel better. He seems like an insecure person. He's not in a relationship so he has to try and make yours look crap. He may not be completely happy with his social life so tries to convince you that you mustn't be having any fun just because you don't go out to pubs. The more you let it affect you, the worse it's going to be. It seems like his snide comments are escalating as time moves on and he can probably see that he's having some sort of affect on you from your reactions and is getting more and more pleasure out of it.

I'm not saying he's a nasty person; he just seems bitter and jealous of your comfort, both in your relationship and financially. Do you know if he acts this way towards others? And does he make these comments in the company of others? Has anyone else ever commented on him to you?

TripleAce

I think he fancies Tom!!!

Seriously, you should start to bother him back....if he has a girlfriend/wife ask him personal (too personal) questions. If he doesn't have one ask him why he cannot find a girlfriend or a boyfriend

LegacyUser

He's a bully.

You are giving him more power by letting him bother you. You are no use to him if he can't upset you. If you stop being a victim he'll move on to someone else. Treat his comments as if they were a joke and just keep laughing. He'll eventually get bored.

Reflector

I think you are being a bit sensitive, you live your life the way you want. It sounds like he is teasing you a bit about staying in and that but sure friends tease eachother all the time. If he says something really out of line bring him up on it there and then, just say quit it I don't like the way you talk about Tom. All the examples you give don't seem too bad to me and sure if he's trying to keep you at the party I think that he does value your friendship somewhat.

LegacyUser

Ok I am going to play Devils Advocate here for a minute.

This whole thing has been written from your perspective and we are unaware of the context of these conversations. To me it is written in a way that will lead the reader to the conclusion that you want us to come to i.e. he fancies you

Unreg2009Feb wrote: »

He says things like ''sure *Tom* is earning loads now you'll be set up'' etc. and ''you can scab off Tom''.

Sounds like a bit of office banter

Unreg2009Feb wrote: »

Valentines day was awful, He asked what Tom had gotten me and I explained that we dont usually celebrate Valentines day as I don't really believe in it. He said ''Is that your idea or Tom's'' He was making him out to be cheap or something.

Money wasn't even mentioned here... Ever thing it's maybe down to the fact that men in general aren't as into the whole valentines thing.

Unreg2009Feb wrote: »

You know, like this morning at 11 we were sitting having a cuppa and he asked me if work had been slacking off for Tom. I said no that it had been the opposite thank god and He just sort of sniggered to himself. I was so taken aback.

We are in a recession, seems like a perfectly natural thing to ask...

Unreg2009Feb wrote: »

Another lunchtime we were talking about the recession again and it came up that Tom and I have a joint bank account and He said there's no way we should. Because of the difference in earnings. I thought, my God.. He said always that himself and his ex girlfriend never had that because two seperate works out easier, ''if u spend a lot on something you dont have to jusitfy yourself to the other person''. I just thought it was so weird of him to say that.

He also makes comments about our life style. We do stay in quite a bit. The pub scene is not our thing and we don't go out alot. We have friends around for meals and such. Every Monday morning at tea break He is asking if we did anything special and you know saying things like '' Did you have any fun at all?'' He was suggesting that myself and Tom should go on holidays soon. It's nothing to do with him really! As if to say we are boring or what I think is that he thinks that Tom doesn't bring me out enough of has Me under his thumb too much.

This year Tom had to work late so He didnt come with me to the Christmas party. I left about 12am and Tom collected me and my colleague was trying to convince me to stay but I really didnt want to. So when the time came for me to go he said ''Say hi to Tom for me, God he is so in control of you'' I was so upset by this

I have asked him before if He doesnt like Tom and he says no thats not it I just think you should be sure you want to marry him He says he just wants what's best for me. I just find it all so strange to be honest. He is very nice to me but he really gives my fiance a very hard time. I think I will have to stop being friendly with him because it really annoys me.

Just wondering if anyone else has evr had an experience like this? Its so bizarre and upsetting. I just want to get some feedback as I would like work to be comfortable you know?

Thanks guys

Why would you be dicussing banks accounts & personal financial arrangements like that if you feel he is of the opinion that your fiance being cheap.

If his behaviour annoys & upsets you so much why do you say he has been very nice to you?

You're over emphasising that you think it's "strange" or "bizarre" ...Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. I think you want him to like you (maybe he does, I don't know) and you are reading way too much into every little thing.

LegacyUser

Unreg2009Feb wrote: »

Gosh thanks for the support. I asked for a bit of advise, not for someone to make fun of me. The things he says really get to me. They might be insignificant to you, but to me, someone constantly ridiculing the man I love is kind of a big deal, especially when I have to sit at the desk opposite him for forty hours a week.

Thanks to everyone else for their advice

You chat to this guy at work, about your personal life & finances... not exactly trying to avoid him are you

Loxosceles

All the advice here is good for someone working next to you, on your team, who is designated your equal, because if that was the case his opinion would not matter and he could be easily told off. I'm sure that all the suggestions to treat the juvenile behavior of a coworker as being just that would be helpful, and yes he is just a git, but the problems arise if he is above you on the corporate ladder.

The minor opinions of a git are major issues to someone further down, and the gits usually don't 'get it'. If he's a manager and you're a clerk, he obviously knows more about your personal life than he should, and the higher above you someone is in the company, the less right they have to have any opinion of your personal life whatsoever barring you being made unable to show up for work.

What if you get promoted later on, and in a board meeting he belittles and questions your skills because of his personal opinion of your romantic life? What if he gets in the way of your promotion or raise, because he thinks the extra income of your mate makes it unnecessary, even if you worked your butt off for it?

There is a reason why this situation gets to you so much. It's a professional reason. You want to be taken seriously as a professional. But my advice is from now on, don't open your mouth around the water cooler and learn how to be a regulation-spouting legal eagle PC-nazi corporate ironpants when it comes to how managers address labour on the company ladder. By all means, make friends, but make sure they don't manage you or earn more than you do, because in the end you may end up having to step on managerial toes to make sure your rights are intact.

And this I know, I come from the country that invented corporate culture. This treatment of a personal issue as being just that only works in environments where you are not having a career and working your way up. Personal problems are a spanner in the works and too often the victim gets treated like the spanner for reacting perfectly reasonably, as you have. Make sure that your friend gets informed succinctly that you are not the spanner-he is, and do it with authority behind you.

mbren

Unreg2009Feb wrote: »

He said always that himself and his ex girlfriend never had that because two seperate works out easier, ''if u spend a lot on something you dont have to jusitfy yourself to the other person''. I just thought it was so weird of him to say that.

Hey Op,

I can't say Ihave had an experience similar to yours but my advice to you would be not to be as subtle as he is. The next time he mentions his ex, you should turn around and say...."Ya (insert name), no wonder she is your ex!!

Guarantee he won't pass comment on your relationship again. You don't have to say it in a nasty way at all, just say it and start laughing. Should be effective I eckon. Let us know how you get on

Monkey61

Come on OP, toughen up. None of the comments that you have posted are that bad at all. They all just sound like general office banter.

This man blatantly fancies you and has gone off on a bit of a tangent with conversation and keeps coming back to the same subject.

How hard is it to say to him - "I don't want to talk about my fiance behind his back at work." Problem solved. Or if you really want to make an impression - "Look, I'm getting the impression from all your comments about Tom that you fancy me. I'm sorry but I'm engaged and not interested in the slightest and nothing you say is going to change my mind." If you continue discoursing with him on these subjects he's only going to think you don't mind the teasing.

Or you can just slag him right back. It's not difficult. If you are going to work in an environment involving people you need to grow a thicker skin.

MagicMarker

Unreg2009Feb wrote: »

Gosh thanks for the support. I asked for a bit of advise, not for someone to make fun of me. The things he says really get to me. They might be insignificant to you, but to me, someone constantly ridiculing the man I love is kind of a big deal, especially when I have to sit at the desk opposite him for forty hours a week.

Where have I made fun of you? Please point it out to me, the post you quoted was in response to Loxosceles, I was making a point about how her advice is completely retarded.

Yet, you immediately assume I'm making fun of you, hmmmm, do you normally assume simple comments are a dig at you?

Do I think this guy fancies you? Yes.
Do I think most of his comments are harmless? Yes
Do I think one or two of his comments are a little out of line? Yes
Do I think he's bullying you? Eh, NO.
Do I think he should be reported? Absolutely not.
Do I think he's a sexist pig? No (lol at Loxosceles)
Do I think you are easily offended? Yes
Do I think some of the responses here are a little OTT? Hell yes.

It's quite simple, if you don't like him making comments about your BF, then tell him you don't want him making comments about your boyfriend anymore, don't even bring your boyfriend up in conversation.

Motley Crue

Op i think this guy is a dick just tell him to piss off and mind his own

LegacyUser

OP i think he is try to get digs at you. He is playing mind games. passive aggressiveness like this can be hard to fight against. Maybe he wants to annoy so much that eventually you will lose your temper and then he will tell other people that you are bad tempered or not to mention your boyfriend as its a 'touchy subject'

Salome

I'm kinda with MagicMarker on this one - you need to toughen up and answer back a bit. Laugh at him when he makes a comment that upsets you - even if you really want to smash his face in - laughing at someone who feels like they need to belittle you to be superior to you will just make them feel inadequate.

Say something like "that's not a very appropriate thing to say" when you think he's getting close to the bone.

Don't take your breaks in his company, if you can.