Where To Meet Decent Guys?

Rick_

I have profiles on Gaydar and LadsLads and Fitlads and they're all ****e. Full of sex obsessed older men or camp drama queen teens who are more interested in make-up, fake tan and Madonna than anything else.

All I'm looking for is a nice guy around my own age to be friends with, have a drink with, get to know and meet up with a few times as mates and who knows after that.... and I can't find him. Anyone my age on those websites either don't reply to messages, haven't signed in for months or they start a conversation talking about how much they want to meet up for a shag etc.

It truly is depressing, no gay scene here at all (and I don't particularly like the scene anyway so wouldn't be jumping at the chance to go), no local gay social groups I could go to, no money to go to other areas for either their scene or groups and a repressed community making it quite hard for others to make themselves a bit more known. That or they're 20 or under and only like guys around 18 and as a 24 year old any younger guys treat me like I'm a 60 year old man.

I'm just venting the anger here a bit but my situation really is dire. There are some truly great guys online that I do get talking to (or at least they seem great), but they always live so far away so meeting them for a drink is nigh-on impossible. I'm just stuck in a rut life wise and I really need a big change. It's just really getting me down. Maybe my standards are too high, or are everyone elses seeming to be too low? Aarrrgh!

bluecell99

Hi there Paddy C.I know exactly where you are coming from.YOu put it well - the sense of frustration and downright despair at the situation comes through and I concur completely with you.We are despised by the drama queens and the lying ,stupid time-wasters who populate the online sites and who cannot break away from the gay clubs.I have asked the question many times as to why there is no place where ordinary guys can meet with no pressure,where it does not have to involve alcohol and other drugs and does not have to be at three o clock in the morning.I nevger get an answer.I have a post here for mixed bars where it might be possible to meet.I get no replies.People think how dare we ask such questions and why dont we like the "scene";why do we not like the pubs and why do we need to socialise away from other gays now and again.It seems if your face does not fit then its almost as if you have no right to be gay.Dont think there is an answer.Just watch the hostility for daring to raise a good point and you speak for so many of us who simply will not sit in the godddam George and be ignored .

danindublin

Hi Paddy C,

I think the biggest thing is getting ur head in the door any bit at all. Most people who use online website are either very in the closet or are just out for no-strings fun. The keys to getting one or many "normal" guys around ur own age is to just slowly build up them up. Ur lucky if one in 10 you meet have any click with at all. Most bars in any major city on a weekend night will be made up of a huge group of people who have travelled in from the country. Once you put yourself out there at all you'll find they slowly start to trickle towards you.!

D

Rick_

Not in Armagh. Every pub, (and yes I do mean every one, I know cos I've ben in them all) are full of the typical types of guys who think they are the worlds greatest men, acting like big lads and making everyone else around them feel uncomfortable. It's like being in a pub full of Phil Mitchells. Anyone who they take their fancy to, whether it's a girl, guy or foreigner, and for whatever they have or have not done, such as talking too loudly, dancing close to them or badly/funnily or just simply breathing it seems and they start a jeering session and usually a fight. I'm hardly going to put myself out there in a repressed society that is Armagh for fear of attack. Random people have been kicked almost to death outside pubs in Armagh so God only knows what they'd do to someone they knew was gay and was different to them. I'd probably be dead.

danindublin

Suppose this is why most of the gay people I know let the smaller towns (dont know if Armagh is classed as a city - i've never had the privilege) and move to Dublin (or possibly Belfast). In fact I don't know any of my friends who would move back in the morning. Suppose its the just the comforts that citys are more excepting of difference and that the anonymity of a bit of an added comfort.

Rick_

Armagh is classed as a city, but given the complete lack of anything decent here I don't know what made them redefine it from town to city. No decent shops, no decent transport links, no jobs... and they even want to close down the local hospitals and Dole centre and move them elsewhere too. Everyones deserting the place it seems, and if I had the money I'd heavily consider doing the same. The place is a sh*thole.

DubArk

Lads it’s always being the same, even long before the internet and GAYDAR and co.
The bloody George was my worst nightmare too and pubs of the same elk. Guys standing around preening themselves; looking down their noses at others that didn’t and don’t meet up to their idea of the perfect looking bloke. Shallow are what?

Well you do know all gay men are gorgeous!

Herds of queens giggling, guffawing and pointing their little manicured over sprayed orange fingers; generally taking the piss out of guys standing on their own; been their latest victims!! :mad:

Even worse when you do go in for the first time you’re the latest CHICKEN for whatever old “game for a laugh” is interested in riding you. :eek:

Ah the good old days how I don’t miss them at all.:rolleyes:

It used to be a case that the world hated me cause I was a Fag; then the Fags started on me, no seriously I agree with the OP so much it’s just not a easy situation out there for a single lad in a gay world.

So I got on with my life and never looked back! Ohhh ahh missus

Bougeoir

Well usually you find decent people in the most unexpected of places! I started in UCD this year and it has been such a great experience for me because there are many LGBT people here (much more than I would have anticipated) and a society and in many colleges for that reason. Stereotyping won't help you either though. I think it's wrong to say that a guy who is flamboyant and likes to go out to gay bars is like all self-centred, bitchy, etc. I'm not the most masculine guy and I like to go out to bars with my friends and I'm not like that at all. In fact, I'm rather decent person. I do understand your frustration though. I suppose that tends to be the problem in a country like Ireland where in fairness be out as gay is a fairly recent thing (oh Sweden is so amazing though... *sigh*). I know what you mean about Gaydar though. Although I actually tend to find more model type guys who are totally in love with themselves and muscle types, and of course the older guys who try to hit on me. Then again Gaydar like many similar sites is intending for hooking-up which generally implies a shag which occupies the brains of many men...

nxblues

As someone from another small country who has lived in Dublin for nearly 6 months now I have to say, I thought coming to a european city like this would be great as the 'scene' would be so big. Alas...though it is WAY bigger than my small country town back home, Dublin really is hard to meet a decent guy. I've been to the George, Dragon and The Front Lounge and though they are somewhat fun, it is near impossible to meet someone just to chat to them. They just want to score and leave. Panti is my favorite place so far, it's full of mature guys who appreciate a beard and it's relaxed. Outside of the club scene, i have no idea where to go to meet a decent gay guy.

Sir Ophiuchus

Sites that are less about hooking up and more about dating are good, in my experience. OKCupid in particular.

laycolayco

Jesus lads,
I have to say that Im surprised. Im a typical 26 year old bloke, goin out with the best bloke in the world for just over 2 yrs now. I met him in Glitz in Dublin. Before I met him I met a fair few really nice blokes in bars round Dublin and since I met him Ive met loads more! These are blokes that you could ring to meet up for a drink or just for a chat. I dont feel like everyones looking at me if I walk into a bar on my own, I normally just strike up a conversation with whoevers around me. Dont get me wrong, I have met a fair few where we would talk for 5 minutes before Im getting head in a laneway somewhere! But im just a normal bloke and I cant relate to your situation all that much

Rick_

I resent the fact that many people have the opinion that gay men are only interested in sex, drugs and going to clubs all the time. We don't all have limp wrists, we don't all speak in girly voices and we don't all dress our female friends. I would just like to find some gay friends I can socialise with and maybe a guy to go on a couple of dates with and then if there's something there, maybe we can take it further. I'm not looking to meet a guy who's looking into my trousers 5 seconds after meeting or whos going to shag around with anyone because 'it's the done thing for gay guys'. I'd like to have a proper relationship with a guy that has the potential to last forever. We laugh, we cry, we live together and are best friends as much as we are lovers.

I have the exact same dreams and aspirations as many other guys do (although the dreams and aspirations are usually associated mainly with straight people), the only difference with me is that I want to do that with another man... and it seems nigh-on impossible at the moment. And for someone who's turning 25 this year and hasn't really experienced anything in life (be it gay or otherwise, and certainly not through lack of trying), it's just so disheartening. I really am so sad yet so angry about it at the same time...

ixoy

Paddy C, they definitely exist! I met my partner through a boards lgb forum meet-up and 3.5 years later and we're still together and it's great Neither of us, like yourself, are bothered with what could be seen as the "stereotypical" side of the scene and rarely bother going to gay clubs or the like, as we've no real desire to. We met though without even trying, without having to force the situation - it felt natural because we weren't on a hunt or a quest to track down the One.

I'd recommend you try some venture that's not so focused - what about some of the gay activity groups, such as the hill walkers? What about expanding even your circle of friends to meet someone more naturally in any venue - doesn't need to be a gay one.

Bougeoir

Well I mean I met my first boyfriend who I was with for almost a year at a college LGBT event called Pink Training although now I'm still single and like you, I do find it equally hard to meet guys (been single for the last two years). Although I'm 21 and I am "gay-like" in that people would know I'm gay if i never told them. I think with me it is a matter of confidence than anything else. But I don't get disheartened that I'm single and find it hard to meet guys. In fact, I rather like being single. That's just me though. But I think you should try joining gay social groups and get to know more people, etc.

Rick_

There aren't any gay social groups near me, that's the problem. Any ones there are are too far away and a hasstle to get to. Believe me, I've tried.

Monkey61

Okay Paddy here's the thing - you live in Armagh. I'm not trying to be a smart arse, but really how many eligible men do you expect to meet in a relatively small place. It is never going to be Gay capital of Ireland/Europe, precisely because I imagine that most of the gay men who grew up there have long since left in order to meet people etc.

I'm a girl, so it's slightly different for me, although to be honest I'd probably be in a worse situation because there seems to be far less stuff for gay girls than men wherever you go. If you are gay you have to get off your arse and get out there and do something about meeting people because often they are not going to come to you, especially if you aren't into scene type stuff.

I despise anything resembling a gay scene so I never ventured into it in Dublin and even there it is relatively small anyway. I don't know any other gay girls except very distant acquaintances and have met any girlfriends I have had through sheer luck. Plus these kind of things always seemed to be easier within certain music scenes and stuff because people are very open about sexuality.

I moved to London and having just broken up with my long term girlfriend I decided to do something about my lack of gay friends/potential partners. I joined gaydar and a specific gay social group under persuasion from friends (because I hate stuff like that) and lo and behold I have dates lined up with three different girls in the next week. This is a huge city and thus there is a much bigger pool of people to choose from. If I was in Dublin I would never have been able to do this.

So basically man, get out of Armagh. These things need to be done.

Rick_

I know being here is the problem, I just have a lot of commitments here at the moment and I can't leave in the forseeable future. But I do want to leave, I hate it here to be honest, and not because of the lack of gay issues, but just in general, the place is a ****hole.

I'm completely non-scene so a social group would have to be the way forward, but as there aren't any, and I'm not exactly brilliantly suave at social situations, it's gonna be a challenge.

Dark Artist

Well I've only come out recently, and initially I would tell myself, "Ew that scene isn't for me" but realistically I'm going to have to swallow it up and give it a decent proper shot.

Sure, it might be full of seedy weirdos, but the straight scene is also full of seedy weirdos. There's always a good few decent people in there somewhere. Telling yourself that you're "completely non-scene" full stop is in my view counter-productive more than anything else.

dan719

In terms of going to the likes of the G etc; if you don't want to go alone, then don't! Bring along a straight friend, the first time I ever went to a gay bar in dublin I brought along one of my female friends as I was terrified. Admittedly she wasn't very impressed when I disappeared into the night with some randomer.:D

But seriously I totally understand the worries hear regarding going on scene, but most people are lovely and you will meet someone.......

SolarFlash

I lived in Dublin for a vew years. Its very hard to meet guys. The gay bars are just plain weird, could never figure them out. I meet a lot of strange but cool guys of the net though, it takes a lot of efort to get a lad to meet in real life though but its worth the effort.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Just reading your posts and noticing something - you have to remember finding the perfect partner isnt easy no matter where you are. Plenty of guys your age are single, whatever their sexuality.

I'd say for now go on okcupid or a similar dating site, even myspace, and get chatting to guys in surrounding counties, and stop stressing out about it.

ehhowaya

I'm 22 and single for nearly a year now, it is really hard to meet someone half decent but it does happen, I randomly met the first guy i was serious with on the dancefloor in the G (how romantic!). I let myself drift away from all my gay friends a while back cos I had alot going on and now I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and want to put myself back out there again..i know its down to me to go out and find someone

the best advice I can offer is maybe joining queerid and just using it to post and maybe meet people. apart from that, the dragon and the front lounge are nice chilled out places to have a quiet drink and meet new people if it happens that way! you need to put on a brave face and just go for it or else you will end up bitter! You don't need to be in Dublin to meet people but it is great to have a choice of bars and cafes to hang out in!

dave98

Paddy C wrote: »

I know being here is the problem, I just have a lot of commitments here at the moment and I can't leave in the forseeable future. But I do want to leave, I hate it here to be honest, and not because of the lack of gay issues, but just in general, the place is a ****hole.

I'm completely non-scene so a social group would have to be the way forward, but as there aren't any, and I'm not exactly brilliantly suave at social situations, it's gonna be a challenge.

I've just recently joined boards.ie but I am so glad i did. Paddy C i can totally relate to you. Like you I live in a small town. I'm in a rut and just cant get out of it. Im 25 going on 26 and have never been in a serious relationship. I have a full time job and didnt go to college so my amount of friends is limited. I think if I did go to college then maybe id be more confident and maybe have met someone. Its good to read other comments like this.:)

Rick_

Horray, I'm not the only one! I bet you still don't live near Armagh though! (My eternal problem!)

Donnaghm

Paddy C wrote: »

Horray, I'm not the only one! I bet you still don't live near Armagh though! (My eternal problem!)

Try coming from Kerry Paddy, try coming from blooming Kerry. Also is there any sports societies that cater for gays in Dublin? I love playing 7 a side soccer and things like that, but it would be nice to not have to put on a facade.

L1011

Donnaghm wrote: »

Try coming from Kerry Paddy, try coming from blooming Kerry. Also is there any sports societies that cater for gays in Dublin? I love playing 7 a side soccer and things like that, but it would be nice to not have to put on a facade.

http://www.dublindevilsfc.com/ would be what you'd be looking for I suspect?

dave98

No your not the only one and no I dont come from there. I come from the middle of nowhere in west Limerick. Our nearest city is Limerick. My problem is I'm too shy to go to any gay pub/bar. And I dont like using sites like gaydar. am i too fussy????

Donnaghm

dave98 wrote: »

No your not the only one and no I dont come from there. I come from the middle of nowhere in west Limerick. Our nearest city is Limerick. My problem is I'm too shy to go to any gay pub/bar. And I dont like using sites like gaydar. am i too fussy????

Ditto, I'm fussy and have no right to be. Haha

dave98

we need a kick up the arse haha

L1011

...must resist urge to quote/edit that last post...

Everyone is too shy to hit the bars early on. They don't bite. And if you're madly paranoid about being seen going in to one or whatever, go to another city for the first time. Dublin's a good choice bar the prices.

dave98

Sorry MYOB bad choice of words but ya i suppose thats the biggest worry - and ya thats good advice to go to another city.i might try that

Rick_

As always, I'm free to chat in PM or on MSN if any of you guys like.

cotwold

Yeah i've found it hard to find anyone to start a serious relationship with and i go out on the dublin gay student scene at least once every 2 weeks. I used to lament the fact that straight people had numbers on their side and they have the comfort of presuming others are straight (one which we dont when not in a gay bar) but most of my straight friends are single. They all claim to be lovesick and want relationships as well so im inclined to believe even if i had numbers on my side it wouldn't be any easier.

dave98

Aww good point - I never thought of that. Buy yes I think every gay person wonders if some other people are gay/str8 perhaps a lot of the time its wishful thinking

duffster808

why do lads LOOK for a bf? I dont get it. its not like dey've met someone they like nd wanna try make something happen with them coz they like this one particular person in their lives. they just want A bf. haha, no-one in mind... just want one. I don't see why it should be a big deal whether someone is single or attached to a lad unless there is someone that you actually already sorta like in ur life. ders no rush on havin a fella, dont be stressin. seriously haha life is more easy goin without someone. at least while ur young. if it happens nd it works den dats cool, but ffs dont actively go lookin for a fella. de internet nd de scene are ****e anyway. btw i dont mean to sound offensive or snarlin'. take it easy lads :cool:

Bougeoir

duffster808 wrote: »

why do lads LOOK for a bf? I dont get it. its not like dey've met someone they like nd wanna try make something happen with them coz they like this one particular person in their lives. they just want A bf. haha, no-one in mind... just want one. I don't see why it should be a big deal whether someone is single or attached to a lad unless there is someone that you actually already sorta like in ur life. ders no rush on havin a fella, dont be stressin. seriously haha life is more easy goin without someone. at least while ur young. if it happens nd it works den dats cool, but ffs dont actively go lookin for a fella. de internet nd de scene are ****e anyway. btw i dont mean to sound offensive or snarlin'. take it easy lads :cool:

Ya I know what you mean! I totally agree with you. I like have lots of gay friends and they're always like "OMG I so need a boyfriend! I'm so single" but I'm like "Who cares? Get over yourself seriously!" I mean yeah if they had somebody particular in mind that they like, I'd probably be like "Ok fair enough go for it like" but they are seriously want anybody just to be in a relationship and to say "Oh I have a boyfriend now!" Silly carry on in my opinion. More people should take your advice and be free, young, single and happy! :P

cotwold

Bougeoir wrote: »

Ya I know what you mean! I totally agree with you. I like have lots of gay friends and they're always like "OMG I so need a boyfriend! I'm so single" but I'm like "Who cares? Get over yourself seriously!" I mean yeah if they had somebody particular in mind that they like, I'd probably be like "Ok fair enough go for it like" but they are seriously want anybody just to be in a relationship and to say "Oh I have a boyfriend now!" Silly carry on in my opinion. More people should take your advice and be free, young, single and happy! :P

I don't think anyone who goes on and on about wanting a boyfriend is really thinking about it as you suggest. In my experience they're just lovesick or lonely. Its not just secluded to gays either. Saying its silly carry on is a bit harsh, i doubt anyone who does go on about it is conscious of it.

CU-Cme

Well for people who've never had a bf before maybe they're just wondering what it would be like, or maybe they're lonely and want someone in their lives. There does need to be a way for guys to meet other guys off scene, so here's what I suggest guys - who wants to start/join a monthly social group? If there is enough interest then I will see about setting something up.

Peace.

Donnaghm

CU-Cme wrote: »

Well for people who've never had a bf before maybe they're just wondering what it would be like, or maybe they're lonely and want someone in their lives. There does need to be a way for guys to meet other guys off scene, so here's what I suggest guys - who wants to start/join a monthly social group? If there is enough interest then I will see about setting something up.

Peace.

That sounds like a great idea. Fairplay, good initiative. I'd certainly be interested.

cotwold

well i remember a couple of years ago there was a queer beers for boards users. Id go to something like that certainly.

Rick_

Couldn't sleep last night, was staring at the ceiling for ages whilst enjoying the howling wind and rain lashing against the window. This thread came back into my mind so I thought I would resurrect it.

I just turned 26, I moved out of my parents house in March and am loving my new found freedom. But I am still in the same position I was when this thread was started almost 21 months ago. I'm still single, still have no gay friends and as it happens I see very little of my straight friends as they are all partnered up. I just feel so alone sometimes. Actually, make that a lot of the time. Plenty of lovely guys to chat to online but they don't live anywhere near me, and those that do never come online, are not interested in someone who's not out to shag town and country or are too young and see me as some sort of creepy old man. :rolleyes:

I'm just getting tired of all this, I honestly do hate my life sometimes. People I know who are brutal ugly or treat partners like sh*t are either in relationships or are with different people every weekend. For someone who doesn't consider themselves that bad looking (I'm no oil painting though) and very nice and genuine, seeing that just depresses me. There seems to be no hope for me unless I turn into a right prick, and that's just not in my nature.

DubArk

Paddy C wrote: »

Couldn't sleep last night, was staring at the ceiling for ages whilst enjoying the howling wind and rain lashing against the window. This thread came back into my mind so I thought I would resurrect it.

I just turned 26, I moved out of my parents house in March and am loving my new found freedom. But I am still in the same position I was when this thread was started almost 21 months ago. I'm still single, still have no gay friends and as it happens I see very little of my straight friends as they are all partnered up. I just feel so alone sometimes. Actually, make that a lot of the time. Plenty of lovely guys to chat to online but they don't live anywhere near me, and those that do never come online, are not interested in someone who's not out to shag town and country or are too young and see me as some sort of creepy old man. :rolleyes:

I'm just getting tired of all this, I honestly do hate my life sometimes. People I know who are brutal ugly or treat partners like sh*t are either in relationships or are with different people every weekend. For someone who doesn't consider themselves that bad looking (I'm no oil painting though) and very nice and genuine, seeing that just depresses me. There seems to be no hope for me unless I turn into a right prick, and that's just not in my nature.

Sometimes lying there in bed, listening to the sounds of nature’s unrest, with the howling wind rushing around your room and waves of rain smashing up against your window; can make the mind focus more then usual.

Where all you’d wish for is the warmth of someone beside you, drawing you closer into them and protecting you from the harsh elements and sharing a moment.

26 yrs old is still so young. I think you’re just been hard on yourself….. You’re living in a new place of your own and all the new found freedoms that must come with that?!

It sounds to me, that things have happened over the last 21months.

You know what you’re looking for in a relationship. Take it form me, many a guy has spent years jumping in and out of beds, never knowing what they want….
So you’re way ahead of the game.

See the next morning the wind drops, the rain ceases and the sun comes out and all becomes calm again…. Smile…. you'll be fine.

DS333

I really think you're getting too upset about this. You're only 26, for God's sake!

I came out when I was 40, so you've a half a life's head start on me. I hadn't a clue. Like yourself, the scene did not appeal to me in any way. I met my first boyfriend by going to a course given for gays.

You should contact whatever the gay helpline in the North is called and ask them about such events. People go for the lectures or whatever, and socialize afterwards. It's not about dating so there's no pressure, no expectations.

There have to be other gay activities, hiking, etc.

Please don't get depressed. Haven't we enough to deal with without making it worse?

I won't say everything will be fine, that's too glib a response under the circumstances. I HOPE everything will be fine.

DubArk

DS333 wrote: »

I really think you're getting too upset about this. You're only 26, for God's sake!

I came out when I was 40, so you've a half a life's head start on me. I hadn't a clue. Like yourself, the scene did not appeal to me in any way. I met my first boyfriend by going to a course given for gays.

You should contact whatever the gay helpline in the North is called and ask them about such events. People go for the lectures or whatever, and socialize afterwards. It's not about dating so there's no pressure, no expectations.

There have to be other gay activities, hiking, etc.

Please don't get depressed. Haven't we enough to deal with without making it worse?

I won't say everything will be fine, that's too glib a response under the circumstances. I HOPE everything will be fine.

I don't do glib!! :rolleyes:

DS333

A thousand apologies!!

I hadn't read your message. If I had I never would have used that phrase, for fear of offending you. I read his message and then replied to it. I didn't want to sound glib because he seemed to need more than a few words of reassurance. I was referring to myself, not to you.

Does this mean that I have to read every message out there before replying to one?

Apologies again. It wasn't a snide remark aimed at you. I'm not like that...

Honest...

DubArk

DS333 wrote: »

A thousand apologies!!

I hadn't read your message. If I had I never would have used that phrase, for fear of offending you. I read his message and then replied to it. I didn't want to sound glib because he seemed to need more than a few words of reassurance. I was referring to myself, not to you.

Does this mean that I have to read every message out there before replying to one?

Apologies again. It wasn't a snide remark aimed at you. I'm not like that...

Honest...

Then i need to apologias!! Misread. Sorry.

DS333

Thank you. I appreciate that.

If I ever say anything in future that offends anyone, I assure them now that it is totally unintentional.

Over and out.

DS333

Paddy C wrote: »

Couldn't sleep last night, was staring at the ceiling for ages whilst enjoying the howling wind and rain lashing against the window. This thread came back into my mind so I thought I would resurrect it.

I just turned 26, I moved out of my parents house in March and am loving my new found freedom. But I am still in the same position I was when this thread was started almost 21 months ago. I'm still single, still have no gay friends and as it happens I see very little of my straight friends as they are all partnered up. I just feel so alone sometimes. Actually, make that a lot of the time. Plenty of lovely guys to chat to online but they don't live anywhere near me, and those that do never come online, are not interested in someone who's not out to shag town and country or are too young and see me as some sort of creepy old man. :rolleyes:

I'm just getting tired of all this, I honestly do hate my life sometimes. People I know who are brutal ugly or treat partners like sh*t are either in relationships or are with different people every weekend. For someone who doesn't consider themselves that bad looking (I'm no oil painting though) and very nice and genuine, seeing that just depresses me. There seems to be no hope for me unless I turn into a right prick, and that's just not in my nature.

Paddy C, I'm replying a second time because it is tragic to hear anyone say that they hate their life.

I'm in two minds whether to write this or not, but what the hell. I'm incognito...

First and foremost, I am not suggesting for one moment that you are like me. God forbid! I just want to try and help you put things into context.

I let things get under my skin. The fact that I hadn't had sex. The fact that I hadn't a boyfriend. The fact that I was never going to have a wife and kids. I obsessed about these things until I hated my life too, so much so that I ended up on a trolley in A&E. I took an overdose but I called an ambulance immediately - because I suddenly realized that all I was doing was taking the misery off my shoulders and lumping it onto those of my family. I couldn't do that.

I survived but, looking back, I realize that I had had a very good life in so many ways but that I had turned it into hell by focusing on a tiny number of haves and have-nots. I had made Everests out of so many pieces of grit. Once I did have a boyfriend and experience sex for the first time - which was wonderful and worth waiting for, by the way - I was aghast at the fuss I had made about nothing.

It will happen... At the right time... If you force matters, it may happen sooner, but it might turn out to be an experience you would rather forget.

Once I stopped obsessing he walked into my life - literally. So out of the blue that he could have knocked me down with a feather.

For what it's worth, Paddy C... Don't make my mistake and turn your life into hell on earth because of something waiting for you round a corner. It won't bring it any closer...

nodolan

Hey Paddy C,

Been there, done that, got several t-shirts.

I came out at 41, in Los Angeles. The gay scene there was...:eek:

I was involved with an online community (justusboys) and had lurked there for several years. They have 'meets' (usually Stateside) and that's how I ended up in LA.

To say that it changed my life would be an understatement. I'm still in regular contact with some of the guys I met back then.

I came back to Cork and had terrible problems 'fitting in' as the scene here (and in Ireland in general) is still quite...(be diplomatic Noel, be tactful)...disappointing - especially after being exposed to the scene in Los Angeles.

I was so unable to fit in and 'integrate' myself that I decided to write my MA on the issue (as a form of therapy almost). This involved me traveling all over Europe and North America visiting gay scenes, interviewing people etc.

Bottom line IMO? Ireland is a dead end for most gay men. A huge number of young men don't want a gay identity and want to be fully integrated with straight society no matter what the cost and a huge number of older men travel abroad to meet other men (many have second homes in places like Sitges where they spend a lot of their time and expend a lot of their energy...if ya get my drift).

I'm married now to a Bolivian man (if you think it's bad here try living in Bolivia) and he tells me that if he was single he couldn't make it here (from the gay point of view) as he just can't figure out the guys here. I had a pilot friend from Atlanta come over and stay for two weeks and he said his 'gaydar' just didn't work in Ireland.

This is not to say that ALL gay men in Ireland are alike but I am saying that I (personally speaking) totally agree with you - however the solution IMO is not to wallow in self-pity but to get up and do something about it. It's not impossible to meet someone here (I know several gay couples who have been together years) but, depending on your financial circumstances, you should try to get away to somewhere like Barcelona/Sitges or Amsterdam or Berlin to 'express yourself' and get the feel of what it's like to be free and open.

I remember sitting on a step outside a cafe in Sitges last year and being able to pick up cute guys walking past without even trying - and I can tell you I'm no oil painting whatsoever.

Bottom line? Gay life is a lot easier in other places and I would be lying if I said any different. So go there, expand your horizons and then come back here and don't settle for the dim reflection of the gay scene here. Be a pioneer - believe it or not you can often meet gay guys in more 'upmarket' straight bars as many gay bars usually just play thump thump music and are a turn-off to a lot of gay men.

Kisses.

Rick_

I do feel a bit lost, like everyone else is out enjoying their life and I'm just sitting on the sidelines. When you see people and sometimes even friends with Facebook profiles with hundreds of friends, hundreds of photos of seemingly every weekend out in the pub or club and of course, photos and messages posted of the partner and their love confessions all over the place it does sort of get you down when you realise you haven't got that and you find yourself measuring yourself against other peoples lives and usually coming to the conclusion that yours is shít in comparison.

I just feel that for someone who has recently turned 26 I have led a very dull life and everyone around me is out having the time of their lives. People say to be content with how things are and that it will change. I've been feeling like this since my mid teens and a decade on things haven't changed, and won't unless I change them, but how? I don't have much confidence to try meeting a new group of friends, too many commitments here to be able to move elsewhere, a good job I probably won't get an equivalent of elsewhere with the same amount of salary as I'm getting now... the list goes on.

There has to be more to life than this. I don't even feel comfortable living where I am. Like I was destined to be elsewhere in the world doing something else. I'm always imagining how great my life should be, and then getting depressed when I see it how it is.

DS333

Paddy C wrote: »

I do feel a bit lost, like everyone else is out enjoying their life and I'm just sitting on the sidelines. When you see people and sometimes even friends with Facebook profiles with hundreds of friends, hundreds of photos of seemingly every weekend out in the pub or club and of course, photos and messages posted of the partner and their love confessions all over the place it does sort of get you down when you realise you haven't got that and you find yourself measuring yourself against other peoples lives and usually coming to the conclusion that yours is shít in comparison.

I just feel that for someone who has recently turned 26 I have led a very dull life and everyone around me is out having the time of their lives. People say to be content with how things are and that it will change. I've been feeling like this since my mid teens and a decade on things haven't changed, and won't unless I change them, but how? I don't have much confidence to try meeting a new group of friends, too many commitments here to be able to move elsewhere, a good job I probably won't get an equivalent of elsewhere with the same amount of salary as I'm getting now... the list goes on.

There has to be more to life than this. I don't even feel comfortable living where I am. Like I was destined to be elsewhere in the world doing something else. I'm always imagining how great my life should be, and then getting depressed when I see it how it is.

Hey.

Let's start with something positive. I know I'll sound as if I'm clutching at straws, but you've got a good job. Lots out there don't.

And don't be fooled by the happy faces and the wonderful lives, and think they have everything. They don't. Nobody does. We THINK they do. It's easy put up a front. I did for most of my life and had to put up with people saying to me, You haven't had a days unhappiness in your life. Those people envied me and I was the one fantasizing about topping myself!! You never know what's going on behind the facade...

I lived in South America. I knew a guy who earned $14,000,000 a WEEK, had a beautiful wife and everything you could imagine. I thought he was so lucky until he rang me at 3 in the morning and I had to go over and talk him out of throwing himself off the top of one of his office buildings. You never know...

I was out there, on the scene and had a boyfriend - all I'd ever dreamed of - and I still was unhappy. I had to battle suicide for another 6 years after I "disappeared". I walked out on them all because I couldn't cope. Now I've got over it. I haven't one gay friend in the world at the moment. I didn't want to go back to the scene. So I didn't know what to do. I heard about Boards, I read your posts and those of others and decided to join DIGS, or whatever it's called - the international gay networking thingy. Never heard of it before. There must be one in the North. In Dublin there seem to be quite a few guys your age. I'm shy too, I pretend not to be. I'll be cringing inside when I walk into that first get-together in some hotel or other but I'll go and I'll meet people. At least it will be a start. Surely you can do the same.

Let me put it in context. Sorry for rabbiting on so much.:( I once worked as a prefect of discipline in a school in Venezuela for rich delinquents, over 1000 of them. They hated me when I arrived. They were all in the yard and they fell instantly silent and all 1000 of them turned their backs on me. I shat myself and had diarrhoea every morning for a month. But I kept trying to get to know them and, in the end, had one of the happiest times of my life out there. They were great kids once you got to know them. But I had to make the effort and face down my terror. We're ALL afraid. But if we battle those fears, we'll earn something good. So can you.;)

I'll stop now before you are sick to death of me.

If you only knew what was in the future for you, you'd sprint towards it now If you don't even try to creep or walk, you'll remain where you are till the end of your days. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve more.

I wish I was your age. I wish I had loads of nice gay friends to introduce you to. Sadly I don't. But maybe my role is to give you advice. Why else am I here. There are so many unhappy gay men out there who shouldn't be. LEt's make that one less, shall we?