Issues with bf's ex

LegacyUser

So I hit the history button on my bf's computer and it turned out he had been looking at his ex's facebook/myspace/blog/website pages every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. They stopped dating about a month before we met and we have been dating for a few months now.

I asked him about it and he said the reason was that she had had loads of pictures of him up on some of these sites and since they have mutual friends he was checking if anything had been said (she was a b!tch to me when we started dating). Now I had seen these pictures a good while back and they had been taken down about a month before I saw all this on the history. There were a few left in random albums and stuff, not enough to be a cause of concern or whatever. So I knew he was bending the truth, especially since he had been looking at pictures of her on one occasion.

He also said she took a dig at him in a blog, which was another reason why he kept checking up. The blog entry he referred to was back last october, and if I remember correctly, didn't take a dig at him at all.

I was staying with him at the time, and he'd usually use the internet when I'd jump in the shower, which isn't very long. I pointed out that you always find time for what is important.

I was upset about all this, and the fact that he was bending the truth when I asked for a reason. He said he hasn't been looking at her pages since, but from time to time if I am bored I will have a look myself...one day he made a reference to 2 things that she had said on a page, and I don't 100% believe that he has quit. Am I overreacting or should I have reacted more? All opinions welcome! I don't know his ex personally btw.

Kirnsy

it is a bit suspicious... you should have a talk with him about his actions how they are making you feel. if he's serious about you he'll change his ways. if not you know he's not over her and its time to be rethinking the whole thing.

Hogzy

Well depending on how long you Boyfriend and Ex were going he mightnt be over her yet, its natural to be curious about an ex for a month or so, hes probably looking at her pictures to see if she is with any guys or if any guys have been talking to her in a "romantic way" or whatever you wanna call it! I might be wrong though but its what jumped straight into my mind!

So?? I check my ex's Facebook on a regular basis and leave messages the odd time. We're still on friendly enough terms. I don't think it's a big deal tbh.

shellyboo

[quote=[Deleted User];59156706]So?? I check my ex's Facebook on a regular basis and leave messages the odd time. We're still on friendly enough terms. I don't think it's a big deal tbh.[/quote]

All his sites? Every day? Multiple times a day?

There's nothing normal about stalking an ex online. OP, if I were you I'd be asking him to stop. Tell him how uncomfortable it makes you - if it's really just idle curiosity, he'll have no bother stopping.

Annie Bananie

I check Facebook several times a day and I have a few ex on it. Not saying I check their specific profiles several times a day, but at times. Now, I do not know the relationship between your bf and his ex, but I dont think it sounds very strange, especially if they have friends in common.

There is a reason she is his ex, he is with you now.

asdasd

There's nothing normal about stalking an ex online.

its not stalking if it is published.

He may well not be over the ex, though. After all you met a mere month after he broke up with her.

All his sites? Every day? Multiple times a day?

He only has Facebook, and yes I check it most days, as there are usually updates (tagged photos or status updates) that appear on my main page. How is it 'stalking' if I am informed of everything he does on Facebook? It actually gets on my nerves when people use that word to refer to a public profile (or a profile for invited friends). If the person doesn't want people seeing, it shouldn't be on the internet! Especially on a site that publishes your every move! What's the big deal? I check most of my good friends' profiles regularly. That's what Facebook is FOR!

shellyboo

asdasd wrote: »

its not stalking if it is published.

I meant in the online, obsessively checking social networking sites sense as opposed to the legal sense.

[quote=[Deleted User];59157023]He only has Facebook, and yes I check it most days, as there are usually updates (tagged photos or status updates) that appear on my main page. How is it 'stalking' if I am informed of everything he does on Facebook? It actually gets on my nerves when people use that word to refer to a public profile (or a profile for invited friends). If the person doesn't want people seeing, it shouldn't be on the internet! Especially on a site that publishes your every move! What's the big deal? I check most of my good friends' profiles regularly. That's what Facebook is FOR! [/quote]

Ok, did we all miss this??

looking at his ex's facebook/myspace/blog/website pages every single day, sometimes multiple times a day.

I'd be freaked if ANYONE was checking ALL my social networking pages multiple times a day. Even once a day every day. There's a difference between seeing something in your feed about your ex and actually visiting the page.

The OP makes it sound like he was methodically checking her Facebook, Bebo, MySpace and blog every single day, sometimes more than once. To me, that is weird. Yeah, I look at Facebook every day, but I don't go look at all my mates' pages every single day. I don't look at anyone's page every single day. The odd time, yes, maybe even regularly... but not every single day. That's methodical, it's routine... and it's damn creepy.

Nevyn

You are right about it becoming routine some people find it very hard to let go of an ex even long after they have officially broken up and will use reading about them in online places to prolong the break up.

They keep the ex in their life that way and keep themselves informed and feeling like they are still a part of their ex's life and that way don't feel as bad about the break up as sure the person still has them 'friended' in certain places.

They feel better about themselves if they still can talk to their ex on msn or facebook or twitter.
It can be insidious and toxic and they can often throw a strop when the ex cuts them off,
which will effect their moods and the person they are with now.

This often mean it can take a lot longer for both of them to disengage and get over any residual feelings and even if his ex has done the defriending and the letting him go
he has to on his end, esp so soon after they were together or he tried to get back with her.

If you don't want people looking at your business, don't put it on the Internet. Please don't compare it to stalking (unwanted, unsolicited attention). I know for a fact loads of people check my page because of comments they make IRL - what's the big deal? That's what it's there for. You do realise that most people write on the WALL, and when you do so, you can see other comments below?

The odd time, yes, maybe even regularly... but not every single day. That's methodical, it's routine... and it's damn creepy.

It's creepy to leave a good mate a message once a day? Do you actually use Facebook? Most of my friends have multiple comments from people each day. A lot of people have boring office jobs and use it to kill time. If I'm busy, I might log in once a day and check for messages, if I've hours to kill, I might have a bit of a browse. I just can't imagine making my business public to everyone I know and then moaning when they find out about it!

Chinafoot

[quote=[Deleted User];59157023]What's the big deal? I check most of my good friends' profiles regularly. That's what Facebook is FOR! [/QUOTE]

Big, huge, massive difference between "good friends" and an ex you obviously aren't on good terms with. He was checking for comments (I'm guessing not good comments) and he reckons she took a dig at him in a blog. They're hardly good friends. Also, there is a possibility that they aren't "friends" on these sites anymore so he doesn't get updates but she could have a public profile.

I don't know where you're getting this "good mate" stuff from btw. You're making assumptions that have no basis given the opening post. It looks more like you are thinking of your own relationship with your ex and are speaking from that point of view. That is quite possibly not the case here. So instead of jumping down shellyboos' throat maybe you could realise that not everyone has the same relationship with their ex that you do.

To the OP, personally, if they weren't friends since breaking up I would be a bit miffed myself, particularly if its been a fair while since they were together. I'd talk to him about it and tell him how you're not comfortable with the situation.

Humria

OP, if you are your boyfriend only got together a month after he and his ex broke up it's quite possible he has some lingering interest in her. I don't mean that he wants to be with her, just that considering she was such a large part of her life and suddenly having her absent makes him curious.

IMO, if he is checking up on her everyday though it's not a good sign. He may not be completely over her.

Femelade

This is why i thank the heavens my boyf wouldnt have a clue how to use bebo/facebook/my space.

His ex used to check mine all the time, i didnt know she was even on them herself until she met hi mout one night and started asking him about stuff i had written on a blog.
needless to say i put my page on private.

I would be very suspicious about your boyfriend checking them too.
There is no need for it. I guess curiosity killed the cat. It might just be a wondering what she is up to, being a bit nosy but i would be very pissed off with it.

star-pants

Thaedydal wrote: »

You are right about it becoming routine some people find it very hard to let go of an ex even long after they have officially broken up and will use reading about them in online places to prolong the break up.

They keep the ex in their life that way and keep themselves informed and feeling like they are still a part of their ex's life and that way don't feel as bad about the break up as sure the person still has them 'friended' in certain places.

They feel better about themselves if they still can talk to their ex on msn or facebook or twitter.
It can be insidious and toxic and they can often throw a strop when the ex cuts them off,
which will effect their moods and the person they are with now.

This often mean it can take a lot longer for both of them to disengage and get over any residual feelings and even if his ex has done the defriending and the letting him go
he has to on his end, esp so soon after they were together or he tried to get back with her.

I agree with this - purely because I've done it myself after breakups.
I'll admit to checking bebo/facebook/etc in an OCD way after I've been broken up with - why? because it's a link to them, it's a way to hold on. It's way to try and stay in touch with their lives. It only goes when you're over them. I've checked ex's pages randomly (like when I was over them etc) just to see how they're getting on or to say hi or something, but not a methodical daily check like that. Because there's no need to check everything about them daily unless you're still harbouring feelings.

I'm not saying your bf doesn't care about you - but as Thaed said - he probably hasn't fully let go of the ex.

Poloman

Its perfectly normal for men and women to check up on their exes to see if they are with someone else now or what the are upt o.

I guess there is always that feeling that "They will never last without me and they will crumble" or something to that effect.

The fact is he is with you now. Sure he might be looking at her profile but it doesnt mean anything. As I say its a normal thing for peopel to check up on each other even without saying hello or anything.

asdasd

Those of you worried about being stalked on Facebook need to get off facebook, or massively increase your privacy settings. AFAIK ( and I left Facebook) only friends get to see profile pages, unless you set it differently. So if you are on Facebook you are publishing. If you dont like exes seeing your stuff, remove yourself from FB. It is not essential for life.

Katgurl

It doesn't look great OP, i'd be somewhat upset if I were you.

You say you got together a month after they broke up but how long are you two together? If its only 2 or 3 months I wouldn't worry at all, but if its 8 months + you would need to look at why he is still needing to feel involved / informed in her life so much.

shellyboo

[quote=[Deleted User];59157713]
It's creepy to leave a good mate a message once a day? Do you actually use Facebook? Most of my friends have multiple comments from people each day. A lot of people have boring office jobs and use it to kill time. If I'm busy, I might log in once a day and check for messages, if I've hours to kill, I might have a bit of a browse. I just can't imagine making my business public to everyone I know and then moaning when they find out about it![/quote]

They're not good mates though, they're ex bf and gf. And yes, I use Facebook, Bebo, MySpace and Twitter - all set to private. Only my mates can see the pages; and that sure as hell doesn't include my exes.

asdasd wrote: »

Those of you worried about being stalked on Facebook need to get off facebook, or massively increase your privacy settings. AFAIK ( and I left Facebook) only friends get to see profile pages, unless you set it differently. So if you are on Facebook you are publishing. If you dont like exes seeing your stuff, remove yourself from FB. It is not essential for life.

Exactly. The thought of someone other than my good mates (I would not class an ex as a good mate) checking up on me every day is really creepy.

There's nothing wrong with looking at friend's pages on Facebook or other social sites, of course that's what they're there for. But the way the OP describes it, he was just looking (not interacting) and he was looking at every page, sometimes more than once a day - he was not doing it as part of normal browsing, by the sounds of things. Which is unusual.

Now it may be idle curiosity, bad habit... could be anything. The point is, it's bothering his current gf, who should be a priority over his ex - so they need to come to some sort of compromise that they're both happy with.

LegacyUser

op here, thanks for all the replies, I guess everyone wants to think it's ok to check their ex's pages and for their OH to not be checking theirs lol! Yeah tbh if it had been once or twice or whatever I might have said something but not been too bothered, but it was the sheer frequency that got me, and also the number of pages (like different sites and blogs and stuff).

The other thing that really got to me was the fact that he lied about what had gone on. Like he said that there had been a bunch of pics on the front page her myspace and they had been taken down like a week before I checked the history. Now without sounding like a stalker myself (lol) I had checked her page about a MONTH at least before the sh!t hit the fan and had noticed that she had taken those pics down (I looked at her page after she was a total wanker to me after we started dating, which I don't think is unreasonable....I wasn't looking at it all the freaking time tho!). And the thing about the reference to him in the blog simply wasn't true. I checked after, I just couldn't remember at the time..so I didn't say anything.

Anyhoo, this whole thing is still on my mind, and I just haven't made peace with it. The white lies are bothering me as much as the fact that he was looking at her pages. He knows how seriously I take honesty and he is always on about how honest he is, which I am starting to doubt. I really feel like I cannot trust him in ways like that. I feel that the constant nagging of trust is getting to me. We have a long distance relationship and he is visiting soon, and tbh I just am not enthusiastic about it. That situation comes to my mind every day. I really feel that he hasn't stopped looking at her pages.