Telling a man I want more than friendship...

Rosiecheeks

I've been seeing somebody for 3 months. We get on great, met each others friends & family. Do regualar things, had a wee holiday. Basically he came at this from the viewpoint that he wanted to be friends. That often tends to equate that you're good enough to be my friend but not girlfriend, though can mean somebody is a bit scared too. We're not kids, both in late 30's. I have been in a long-term relationship and have one child, he only lasted a year at longest and has a several short-term girlfriends.
Basically I told him a few days ago that I couldn't do this anymore, I wanted more than friendship and I cared a lot. Seem to take ages for this to sink in but finally he seemed to get the message yesterday. If we wanted different things it wasn't going to work, I had feelings and am sensible enough at this stage in my life that I had to walk away or it would hurt more a few months more down the line. He never came out and expressed his feelings, just kept telling me how wonderful I am, I said I knew that lol - but deserved to be with someone who appreciated me, he said he did...

He went home and then today I got a text at lunchtime saying he DID want more than a friendship. It was good to hear something in the right direction so I texted back to say we could chat later.

I know relationships are hard but are a lot of men like this, or do we all get like this after being hurt very badly? Is it so hard to commit to one person, being friends is an excuse to just play the field yet have all the benefits of a relationship.

I intend to still keep space at moment and let him express himself, I've done enough talking. He knows how much I care and that I just want us to have a chance at giving it go as a proper couple. Any thoughts on the male mind?

Rosiecheeks

Anyone? Somebody said he may be only saying this now as he is backed in to a corner. I haven't backed him anywhere I would have thought. He's free to do as he choses.

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Rosiecheeks wrote: »

Anyone? Somebody said he may be only saying this now as he is backed in to a corner. I haven't backed him anywhere I would have thought. He's free to do as he choses.

When you say you two were "just friends" - was this a sex-buddy set up?

Or was it actual "just friends"?

If it's the latter, then I think it's pretty weird to be honest, but if it's a "sex-buddy" type of thing, then yes, you kind of have backed him into a corner.

Moved the goalposts at the very least, you've been thinking about this for a while, obviously, then hit him with it and expect an answer immediately.

Give him time, obviously he has replied in a "positive" manner in the text saying he wants to be more than friends, and yes, it could be that he feels he has to say that.

What "more" do you want from him? Move in?

Has he actually been seeing other people too? Have you?

If he has been, then who could blame him for wanting to keep the status quo going?

MIN2511

I don't blame you for wanting more...
You asked the question, his answer is quite confusing... Why don't ye meet up and discuss things properly....

LegacyUser

Meh, you can lead a horse to water....etc

Look, men tend to show you their intentions with their actions rather than their words. If he is not banging your door down at this stage. it doesn't look hopeful.

If there is all this ambiguity and his longest relationship was only a year, yet he is in his late 30's I would hear alarm bells ringing.

Also three months? You've been seeing him and well ....it doesn't sound like he's tried it on with you?

Thats not good OP, it seems like you are trying to push an Elephant uphill here, and well, it shouldn't be like that.

The text seems a case of too little too late and a guy who is lukewarm trying to keep his options open. Or he could be gay/ in denial/ no sex drive etc

Age has little to do with it, 3 months is long enough for him to make the decision.

Rosiecheeks

Oh no, we've been sleeping together, we've behaved as a couple yet there was this thing about 'just friends' a few times. The first after out 1st date because he wasn't sure about a few things, he told me yesterday he reacted too quickly then. I'm not a a child and it was my fault I went along with it. As far as he was concerned I mainly wanted friendship too. However, he knew that I had feelings for him for quite some time now, I didn't just hit him with it out of the blue, he knew how much I cared. One of the first things he said to me was 'I don't want to hurt you' - that was an odd thing, that either smacks of arrogance, I'm a heartbreaker and I don't want you but I'll break your heart, or some sort of self realisation that he's ****e at relationships. Who knows.
I haven't been seeing anyone and neither has he, that I know off at least - except for a date or two he had already set up before we met. He could be messaging 20 women for all I know. He likes looking at other women though, he's that kind. We've spent lots of time together. His actions show he cares, but then he could do the same for anyone, we all love having a hot body about don't we - especially one is is natural caring and giving. He didn't want to do anything for Valentines.
I just want to know if he has feelings for me & he wants to be with me (he tells me loads of nice things but sure that's still not saying how you feel)rather than spending time with me until someone else comes along. That's using someone who let's you. I'm worth more than that so I'd rather not continue unless he does.
Yes maybe saying now he wants friendship is a little too late - it is also vague. I just said I was busy and we could chat later. I need to hear what else he has to say for himself. Don't want him doing this for fear of losing me completely, which is what I would rather do if he doesn't want same, walk away.
I feel the same re. alarm bells and no long term relationship at his age - yet is it worse to have one long-term yet crap relationship? I guess if you stick it out for a decade it can show you've tried, can also show you are afraid of being alone etc.
He did come here yesterday to find me to tell me he still wanted to see me - but he didn't say what needed to be said.
He said something positive today so now I am curious to see what else he has to say. Has to be something good at this stage as I can't be bothered with all this anymore.
I have a migrane. I think I'll just go to bed ... lol

metamorphic

You've met a guy who hasn't had a "proper" relationship and you have a child. I think from this guy's point of view it's a big thing to take on.

How is he with your child? Have you ever discussed that side of it? I would imagine if you kept on seeing each other he'd get more involved. Prehaps the fact you've put it out there has spooked him a bit. I know you can't wait forever but I'm just trying to imagine seeing someone for a few months and then being hit with a "where is all this going" question.

Some of us chaps need to be coaxed in, letting on things are getting serious can send some of us to the hills! (emphasis on "some").

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Rosiecheeks wrote: »

He likes looking at other women though, he's that kind.

Er yeah.

He's a bloke.

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Hmmm, from the outset he was all about the "just friends" thing. Now, fair enough on a first date, or even the first couple of dates, no-one wants to come on too strong, I mean if on the first, second, third date he was all over you, telling you he was well into starting a full on relationship with you, chances are you would have legged it, no?

So he took the complete opposite view, and was acting nonchalant.

I will say this though.

In my mind, he does seem fairly interested in it becoming "more than just friends". Doing the whole family and friends meeting thing, not seeing anyone else.

I'd say the future looks bright as far as this one goes.

Don't overly pressure him though, but do make sure you get answers.

Rosiecheeks

Ok guys he just rang me for a general chat. I queried what exactly he meant by his text. He said it meant what it meant, that he understood I wanted a commited relationship (words that I had never used) and that was what he wanted too so we'd make a go of it.
He said he realised that if he let me walk away he could be making the biggest mistake of his life.
Think I have to take him at face value now

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Rosiecheeks wrote: »

Ok guys he just rang me for a general chat. I queried what exactly he meant by his text.

Good

Rosiecheeks wrote: »

He said it meant what it meant, that he understood I wanted a commited relationship (words that I had never used).

But it's what you meant...;)

Rosiecheeks wrote: »

and that was what he wanted too so we'd make a go of it.
He said he realised that if he let me walk away he could be making the biggest mistake of his life.

Brilliant.

Rosiecheeks wrote: »

Think I have to take him at face value now

Unless he's ever given you any solid reasons not to, looks like you're on to a winner here.

Good for you.

sardineta

At last, a happy posting on PI!

Great stuff, as before, don't be pushing things along too soon - this could be the making of him.

Aoife9

Aw good luck rosiecheeks hope it all works out for you!:)

banshee_bones

I was about to tell you to cut your losses at first as i thought he was stringing you along, but it looked like he just needed some time to think after you told him you wanted more.

Fair play hes stepped up and is willing to call a spade a spade.

Best of luck

BB

Caked Karen

ah nice one rosie - hope it all works out...similarissshh kinda not really situation with me but i think its going to go the opposite

glad it worked out though - maybe he just needed time to think and stuff but again if men would just talk and say what they are thinking it would avoid alot of us ladies thinking...all the time!!!

best of luck with it
CK

LegacyUser

i'm sorry it has to be said

....he's just not that into you...(get the book)

....unless he makes this huge massive gesture of a speech for his undying love 4 u after that "just friends line" move on...

Zaph

Unregistered wrote: »

i'm sorry it has to be said

....he's just not that into you...(get the book)

....unless he makes this huge massive gesture of a speech for his undying love 4 u after that "just friends line" move on...

So you live your life by what it says in a book and expect grand gestures as proof of someone's intentions? I haven't been modding this forum long, but that's the greatest load of claptrap I've seen here so far.

OP, as others have said, go for it and I sincerely hope it works out for you. Just don't rush things, move at a pace both of you are comfortable with, we don't want you coming back here starting another thread anytime soon.

MIN2511

Unregistered wrote: »

i'm sorry it has to be said

....he's just not that into you...(get the book)

....unless he makes this huge massive gesture of a speech for his undying love 4 u after that "just friends line" move on...

I quite agree with you, we women tend to over analyse situations for what they aren't...

I don't think he's into her either... It hurts but i am a firm beleiver that actions speak louder than words, so if he hasn't texted/rang her then he's just not into her

Zaph

MIN2511 wrote: »

if he hasn't texted/rang her then he's just not into her

But he has

Rosiecheeks

Thanks everyone, we live 2 hours from each, though his family home is only 40 miles away - so for him to see me (& vice versa) does take some effort. You don't drive for 2 hours on a regular basis unless you want to be with someone. (I lost my job 2 weeks ago so I could go down during week) I went down to see him after our chat and everything was lovely.