Why can't I just tell him that it bothers me?

Lorrs33

I think I've written about this before. My boyfriend and I were discussing a problem I read in this forum about a guy whose girlfriend was in contact with her ex. My boyfriend claimed there was nothing wrong with texting an ex, as long as there was no intention to get back with them.

I stopped texting my ex five months ago, not only because he was mean, but I also did it because I felt it wouldn't be fair to my boyfriend. I had to deal with him bumping into his ex in college, as I'm sensible enough to understand that he can't help that. But as soon as I discovered he's been texting her now and then, it has really bothered me.

Before there's any suggestions that I don't trust him, I do. It's her I don't trust. Even if I trusted them both, I can imagine it would still bother me. This sounds completely selfish, and I have wanted to build bridges with my ex and try and be friends, but I know I would feel extremely guilty over it. I just believe that when it's over, it's over. If he has to talk to her in college because she's "hard to avoid", then fine, I'll have to deal. But the texting is what's really getting to me. I want to say it to him, but I can't phrase it in a way that it won't suggest I don't trust him.

Btw, it's not a case of her knowing him longer than me. I've known him for eight years now, she only knew him for the time she was with him (about eight months).

shellyboo

"I know I'm being insecure and silly, but you texting your ex bothers me. I trust you 100%, but I can't trust her because I simply don't know her - I can't help feeling that she may have other motives. Would it be a really big deal if I were to ask you not to text her anymore? I don't want there to be unspoken issues in our relationship over something that might not even be necessary."

He's not going to like that very much either, but it's better than just asking him not to text her, in which case he will think you don't trust him.

However you phrase it, you need to make it clear that you know you're being unreasonable to a degree - but that you really can't help how you feel and you want to be upfront with him. He shouldn't make a fuss about being able to text her if there's really nothing between them.

Mr. Incognito

It depends on the relationship

Some develop into great friends

Some mortal enemies

But, they key is how the other pwerson reacts- your boyfriend thinks it's no big deals as it probably isn't as he may not have feelings for his ex- I think you felt that texting your ex wasn't as a "friend" but as an "ex" you still have feelings for and that felt like cheating.

Iago

personally I think you need to build a bridge and get over it.

I still regularly meet up with a number of my ex's that I consider good friends. My wife doesn't have a problem with this because lets face it, if I wanted to be with one of them I'd hardly have married her.

Either your relationship is secure or it's not. Trusting her is irrelevant, if he loves and respects you then the first time she tries something on will be the last time he ever talks to her.

Jenje

Why have they a need to txt each other in the first place! What do the possible have to say to each other, and if its just friendly chit chat he can txt you!!!

Nitxteha

Ask him not to stay in contact with her. If he sees her in college, its ok to be polite, but he needn't to go further than polite. I'm sure there are many other people he can talk to there..

Explain to him that you are not comfortable with that, say what you posted: you totally trust him , who you don't trust is her..fair enough ...Ask him to do that little thing for you. Who does he want to please? you being his girfriend and asking him not to text with the ex? Or her by texting her and maybe making her think that she'd still have a chance?

I'm sure he'll understand.

Lorrs33

Jenje wrote: »

Why have they a need to txt each other in the first place! What do the possible have to say to each other, and if its just friendly chit chat he can txt you!!!

I think he does it because he's a polite person. Someone suggested that he texts her so he won't be faced with questions from her the next day as to why he didn't reply. I don't know if it's just her initiating the conversations, or both. He has told me he hates her, refused to wish her a Happy New Year, which just makes this more frustrating.

stovelid

Jenje wrote: »

Why have they a need to txt each other in the first place! What do the possible have to say to each other, and if its just friendly chit chat he can txt you!!!

Some people stay friendly.

You're going down a tricky road if you start banning your partner from speaking to other people.

And believe it or not, your partner doesn't have to fulfil all your chatting needs. You can have friends as well.

cowzerp

Lorrs33 wrote: »

I stopped texting my ex five months ago, not only because he was mean,

this sounds completely selfish, and I have wanted to build bridges with my ex and try and be friends, but I know I would feel extremely guilty over it.

Your ex was mean, feck bridges!

Him texting her means nothing, the fact he says he hates her does though! either he's a bottler for telling you this to appease you or else he's a bottler for not having the guts to tell her he wants nothing to do with her.

I'd say you are putting him in a situation where he has to pretend he dislikes her, lay off him if you trust him-she's hardly going to make him be with her after all!

Lorrs33

After they broke up, he spent the whole summer ignoring her texts and her calls. And when he returned to college, he didn't see her for a while and he seemed delighted, assuming she had dropped out. Then he saw her, and then suddenly they were chatting almost everyday. I didn't find out about the texting till New Year's. He said he only replies when he's not doing anything. Why ignore her for so long and then text her?

cowzerp

As i said, i'd say he has not got the nuts to tell her he does not want to be in touch with her, or else he is just saying they where not in touch.

his problem, not yours

LegacyUser

I dont know, I had an ex that when we broke up that was that, couldnt stand the sight of her and tried avoiding her at all costs. However when I moved on and got over the whole break up thing I realised I could easliy be friends or courteuos to my ex as all those feelings I once had were now gone. Just because your ex was mean and you dont text or talk to him doesnt mean your BF should have to stop talking to his ex.

star-pants

You say they didn't talk for ages and seemed like she'd dropped out and he was happy about that. But then found her and clearly has to deal with her on a relatively daily basis.
It could have been that after some time apart they were ok enough to be sort of friends, and if he sees her around he can't very well just facepalm her and ignore her.
Texting her isn't really an issue - if he was hanging out with her all the time or something then you could be suspicious but he's only texting her. I think if you try and tell him to cut contact it will be a bigger issue than it needs to be.
He's with you, not her, and if you trust him, that should be enough. Even if it still makes you feel uncomfortable at the thoughts of them in contact, just remember that he's dating you and that ye trust each other.

Awayindahils

Lorrs33 wrote: »

After they broke up, he spent the whole summer ignoring her texts and her calls. And when he returned to college, he didn't see her for a while and he seemed delighted, assuming she had dropped out. Then he saw her, and then suddenly they were chatting almost everyday. I didn't find out about the texting till New Year's. He said he only replies when he's not doing anything. Why ignore her for so long and then text her?

Because things change. And after some time has passed it can become possible to start talking to an ex again.

Irish universities are small places it can be difficult to avoid people.

Are you being stood up for her? Are you really worried that you are going to lose him to her? Or is it grating on you that you're not texting your ex? Are you not texting your ex because you are not 100% ok about it all and therefor assume that your boyfriend is the same?

They went out for quite a while. There had to be some mutual respect and cordiality there.

Lorrs33

There are a few other reasons why I don't text my ex, and maybe I do assume everyone should be the same as me in terms of never keeping in touch with old flames. And believe me, I feel terrible writing this post, because this in itself suggests that I don't trust him. I always expect the worst.

star-pants

Don't feel bad OP - it was something on your mind and now it's off your chest and you just needed reassurance. It's not a bad thing. Once you trust him and care for him you shouldn't let who he texts bother you too much pet.

Lorrs33

Thanks, maybe I just needed a rant. I think I've missed the boat with building bridges with my ex. He used to test the water at least once a month, but I haven't heard from him since early January. Although, he's gone longer without texting me before, I still wouldn't feel right about it though, I'm sad to say

Anyway, maybe one day, I can sit down with my boyfriend and talk to him about how I feel. Not necessarily tell him to stop talking to his ex, but to sort of explain why I don't think it's right, and maybe he can reassure me.

karen3212

Lorrs33 wrote: »

but to sort of explain why I don't think it's right, and maybe he can reassure me.

Yes, we hear how important communication is in relationships, but then on boards like this all the advice seems to be 'don't say anything'.

tbh it does sound like you don't think your boyfriend can resist her. I think you should try and seek the reassurance you need from your boyfriend and perhaps [as people above have said] he can explain how they became friends rather than end up like you and your ex.

This is just my opinion though, I don't have any evidence that communication really does make relationships work, just something that's said as truth all the time.

seanybiker

yawn
Obviously you dont trust him. I know ya said ya do. Whatever make ya happy but ya simply dont.

Bottle_of_Smoke

If my girlfriend told me not to text an ex I'd laugh at her. Cop yourself on, you're asking for far too much