Finding a missing person?

whack4mydaddio

Im going to give a shortened version of the events leading to the predicament i am finding myself in.
when i was 17 i had a one night stand. He was 32, Nigerian man. At the time i was struggling with that fact that i might be a lesbian. So i had sex with a man hopeing that in some way it might turn me straight...to no avail may i add. It turned out that he had taken the condom off...why i dont know. The next day I took the morning after pill. And we went our separate ways thinking that everything was fine...month later, two blue lines.
My mother suffers from depression, lets just say she did NOT take it well! So much so that i had to move to a women's shelter. My parents wanted me to have my daughter adopted, so i was not aloud to contact my daughters father.
My baby was born and i decided to keep her and i went to college.
I have tried to contact him but is phone number no longer connects. All i have is his name and a rented address he had 2 years ago. My daughter is now 4 years old and she asks why she has no daddy. I am in my final year of college now and i am no longer under my mothers dictatorship. I want to find him and tell him he has a daughter but i dont know how to go about it.
If anyone has had this experience please help me out here? thank you.

sardineta

There's the one about not asking a question you don't want to hear the answer to and by extension, what would you hope to gain by letting him know he has a daughter?

Are you a lesbian or do you want to facilitate a nuclear family? Is it financial compensation you seek? Chances are, as an immigrant, he will find this downturn harder than most, so the best reason to contact him (financial) will probably reap no reward and do you want your daughter to have a fractured relationship or one of ignorant bliss?

Just a few reflections to ponder, but ones that may inform your choice.

biko

Nigerian communities are quite tight knit. If you have a name and ask around in town you'll eventually find someone who knows him. However, it's not certain they'll tell you where to find him. He may also have left the country.

I know personally 3 Irish girls that have children from Nigerian men, none of which is supporting their kids nor doing any fatherly stuff whatsoever. Hopefully it'll be different in your case.

whack4mydaddio

thank you for your reply.
Well i want to give him the choice to decide whether he wants to be involved in his daughters life. I cant presume to make that decision for him.
yes i am a lesbian i am out to most of my family and friends i have a partner and we are very happy non conventional family. but i still think having her father in her life would be a benefit to my daughter.
I would not be seeking any financial support. Even at 4 years old i dont think she is in ignorant bliss. She is a very happy and loved child by all my family but i can see that it causes her distress that she doesn't have a father.
i will try ask around and see if anyone knows him.
i was wondering has anyone tried going through the legal process in order to find information about a person or is this even possible with privacy laws?

MIN2511

Hey, i am Nigerian... I probably wouldn't know who he is but i sure can ask around... So PM me his name and whatever information you have on him

biko

I could maybe find him in Galway, have Nigerian friends.

MagicMarker

sardineta wrote: »

There's the one about not asking a question you don't want to hear the answer to and by extension, what would you hope to gain by letting him know he has a daughter?

Are you a lesbian or do you want to facilitate a nuclear family? Is it financial compensation you seek? Chances are, as an immigrant, he will find this downturn harder than most, so the best reason to contact him (financial) will probably reap no reward and do you want your daughter to have a fractured relationship or one of ignorant bliss?

Just a few reflections to ponder, but ones that may inform your choice.

Maybe, just maybe, she wants to tell a man that he has a kid? Maybe she hopes that he will want to be a father?

And even if he doesn't, at least she tried!

Would you have posted the same thing had he been Irish?

OP, I can't really help you tbh, but good luck with it.

McCABE1

Please be aware of the fact that you could allow this guy in to your life and it could be the biggest mistake you ever made. You dont know this guy at all, had a one night stand and from what I hear so far he doesnt come across very well. At 32 he slept with a 17 year old, its too big of a gap for me and I'd consider 17 untouchable if you're in your 30's ( I realise thats only my personal opinion, and many will differ) and then he removed the condom without your consent or knowledge. That's quite a horrific aspect of the situation, I cant comprehend why he did that.
You sound like you have a lovely little family unit at the moment, and your daughter sounds incredibly loved. I know she needs a male role model but just be prepared for the fact that this guy may not be the right thing for her. He may be her father but that does not necessarily mean he will be a good dad. Once you open that door to him though, there is no going back. I would just like you to be aware that while there is a chance this will turn out great and your daughter will have a loving family, there is also a chance it will end badly, there are no guarantees that he will be a good dad or that he will treat either you or your daughter well.

KTRIC

I really can't see why you would want this man in your or your childs life. He fathered your child without your consent, so I would presume he has very dubious morals to start with.

994

I assume you got an STI test?

Kirnsy

i dont think the OP asked about anything other than finding someone.

the only helpful advise i can give is to try facebook and google. but these are very obvious and im sure you've tried.

best of luck

MIN2511

994 wrote: »

I assume you got an STI test?

It's over 4yrs ago!!!!

It's over 4yrs ago!!!!

A lot of people never get tested. I'm always shocked at how many people don't even think about it because they're so focused on if they're pregnant or not.

whack4mydaddio

to be honest at the time i looked/acted a lot older than 17 and i just presumed he was in his 20s.
when you are pregnant it is compulsory to have an std test...and thank god everything was fine there.
i just want to make clear that i am not naive, i dont expect some fariytale happy family to result from my search for him.anyway i might never find him...i just feel like time is running out.the longer i leave it the less chance il have in finding him. i dont want my daughter to end up resenting me for not trying to find her dad. i mean i dont know what to say to her. she is too young for the truth.

ps sorry it is not called an std test. for your first baby they give you a complete check up. bloods/smear etc.

biko

Just spoke to someone that said if you go to Immigration in Lisboan Est (further down from Mocha Beans). You can give his name (or even better, DOB) and they will look him up in their system and see if he is registered with them.

Victor

biko wrote: »

Just spoke to someone that said if you go to Immigration in Lisboan Est (further down from Mocha Beans). You can give his name (or even better, DOB) and they will look him up in their system and see if he is registered with them.

The proceedure for such things is to ask them would it be worthwhile chasing them for information. If they say no, they don't have a record. If they say yes, then you might need to get a court order to get his details.

whack4mydaddio

i would just like to say thank you to everyone who has posted. means a lot to me that people took the time to help in any way they could. i will check the imigration office for any leads.