Not changing name on marriage

esharknz

I'm planning not to change my name when I get married.
What really bothers me is that some seemingly think they have the right to tell me that I should be changing my name, and some act horrified that I am not, or absolutely stunned.
Already discussed this with OH and he has no problem with this decision.

Anyone else have the same "issues". I do tell some people firmly that I am not, but seemingly get the same little chat from people time and time again.

seamus

My OH isn't changing her name and so far everyone's been fine about it.

I'm struggling to come up with any reasons why it would be a bad thing not to - what kind of things do people say in these "Little chats"?

esharknz

Yeah, seemingly I'm very feminist for not doing so and what confusion it would cause if we had children with a name different to my own (would take the fathers name so that the name would be carried on). Then there is the huge look of surprise across some peoples faces (the younger generation). I'm actually a bit startled that it's happening. I mean, what does it matter to others?

Never actually crossed my mind that someone would ask before now!

Toots

I'm not giving up my name when I get married. My OH was a bit upset when I said I didn't want to change my name, so I'm hyphenating. I'm probably gonna have the longest surname in Ireland once we tie the knot :rolleyes:

I had a shocked reaction from some of my OH's family, but I said firmly that it was my decision and I liked my name the way it was. Just because you don't take his name doesn't make you any less married!!!

It's very common for women not to take their husband's name nowadays. Seriously, anyone who starts having these little chats with you needs to be told quite firmly to cop the fcuk on and mind their own business!!

firstapache

I had the opposite reaction. When I told my mother and aunties that I was considering changing my name, they all reacted with feminist shock saying "sure nobody does that nowadays". It was a surprise to me that they had any opinion on it at all, and if they had, that they had the brass neck to give me their tuppence worth!Do what you want to do, you are never ever going to please everybody. The one thing I've learned since I've started this wedding process is that I'm soon going to have to grow some elephant skin!

hshortt

What name will any children have? And if I might suggest using both would be sensible. Less problems in any separation later, going through it myself now.

Taking the name or not is a personal choice, it depends on those involved. Some will be fine and others will raise the usual flags. Best of luck in your marriage!

Cheerio

esharknz

I'd probably give the children his surname in order to carry the name on (my siblings have children with my surname, his don't) and maybe give the child my name as a middle name (I personally don't like the sound of our names hyphenated, and given very few can spell either, well, it would drive me a little crazy at times).

I'm a little stunned as I think everyone contemplating getting married can make up their own mind as to what suits them.

CathyMoran

There was no pressure on me to change my name but in the end I decided to do it - he was really pleased. You are totally fine not changing it, I know that my dad was upset when I did. I just find it handy as we work in the same building now and I am proud to be associated with him, but very few people would be in a similar situation.

shezzie

hey, dont worry bout the narrow minds of others suit yourself...for me ill be going double barrel which has upset a few people but its my decision what name i want to be called...people can repect it....

galah

the only time when it really bothered me that married couples do not share one name was when we sent out our own wedding invites...

It's sooo cumbersome having to write both full names on the envelope, or, even worse, leaving one partner out altogether because you didn't know the last name (or addressing both partners with her last name even though it's her maiden name, and other variations of the same problem) - for fear of offending one of them for not using the 'correct' last name.

Awkward.

But apart from that - your choice, you decide what name you want to use.

I'm taking hubby's name - it's easier (imagine a double-barrelled very German-very Irish last name - noone could ever pronounce it).

rediguana

My wife hasn't changed hers and we got married in August. I don't mind. She says she'll do it when we have kids, as she thinks it might be easier.

We were wondering about a double-barrelled name. Not sure though...

AnnieB82

it's gas - with me it's the opposite. I will be changing my name. It was entirely my choice - my partner doesn't mind either way - we have a son already. I get the whole 'oh my God you're mad giving away your identity' thing. People think I'm being old fashioned and also wonder why should I change my name and not my partner. The way I see it - I personally would like all our names to be the same. And if one of us needs to change our name then why not me? I don't care about my current surname yet I do understand people wanting to keep theirs. I really think that whatever a woman decides to do should be respected, and she shouldn't be judged or stereotyped based on that decision.

esharknz

AnnieB82 wrote: »

it's gas - with me it's the opposite. I will be changing my name. It was entirely my choice - my partner doesn't mind either way - we have a son already. I get the whole 'oh my God you're mad giving away your identity' thing. People think I'm being old fashioned and also wonder why should I change my name and not my partner. The way I see it - I personally would like all our names to be the same. And if one of us needs to change our name then why not me? I don't care about my current surname yet I do understand people wanting to keep theirs. I really think that whatever a woman decides to do should be respected, and she shouldn't be judged or based on that decision.

Hmmm - seems we can't win either way!

Sammag

I didn't get rid of mine. I found it too weird to do so for a few reasons, those primarily being:

A: I was 30 getting married and I would have felt too odd to change my surname and
B: My dad died when I was very young and as there are no other men in our family to carry on my birth surname, I wanted to keep it 'alive' so to speak.

So I have kept my surname but I have taken on my husband's name also and I now have a double-barrel surname. Initially I thought it was a poxy idea until everyone started commenting on 'how cool the two names sounded together' so I went with it.

When/if we can have kids, they'll have the same name as me, i.e. their first name followed by my surname, followed by my husband's.

Das Kitty

I was delighted to get rid of my father's name. If you met him you'd see why.

And my hubby having a nice surname also helps.

The only problems I've seen with people not changing their name is when they have kids and unless you check in under your married name when giving birth, they'll put your maiden name on the birthcert of the child and it's a pain in the bum to sort that out. All you need to do is check in under the other name though, you don't need any ID as far as I know!

supersheeps

As long as anyone can remember, I've said that I'll keep my own name, luckily my H2B agrees with me, although has threatened to send out thank you cards signed Mr. and Mrs. *hisname*, just to annoy me! Anyway, not going for double barrel coz my surname is quite long, but does anybody know if we can register children with a double-barrel surname and then just use his surname for day-to-day stuff? Just would like them to have a choice later in life!

mikeanywhere

seamus wrote: »

My OH isn't changing her name and so far everyone's been fine about it.

I'm struggling to come up with any reasons why it would be a bad thing not to - what kind of things do people say in these "Little chats"?

Couldnt agree more.

The missus has said that when we have kids that she will change hers to mine.

axel rose

Das Kitty wrote: »

I was delighted to get rid of my father's name. If you met him you'd see why.

And my hubby having a nice surname also helps.

The only problems I've seen with people not changing their name is when they have kids and unless you check in under your married name when giving birth, they'll put your maiden name on the birthcert of the child and it's a pain in the bum to sort that out. All you need to do is check in under the other name though, you don't need any ID as far as I know!

I dont know if that is true. I checked into the hospital to have my baby under my name. When I registered his birth I could put down either name for myself. My son has my husbands name but all my paperwork (bar the birthcert) is in my own name. I float between the two names only because I cant be bothered to correct people. My maiden name is the name I had all my life-Its who I am damnit! :P

It took me about 6 months to refer to my OH as 'my husband' without stuttering and feeling stupid.:o

랴연

I'm getting married soon and in my better halfs culture (shes asian) its traditional (something like 4,000 years traditional) for woman NOT to change their name.

When women get married they keep their own name but the children get the mans surname.

But ... also, in marraiges when foreigners are concerned its also traditional for the children to keep the locals name whether it be a man or a woman.

Naming is very strict and traditional here.

miss.lost

Sammag wrote: »

When/if we can have kids, they'll have the same name as me, i.e. their first name followed by my surname, followed by my husband's.

Just wondering, what then happens when, if you have a daughter, she in turn gets married.

For instance if her childhood name is, say, Lisa Murphy Macdonald and she marries Peter Simpson will she be called Lisa Murphy Macdonald Simpson if she too has the same view on keeping her own name? How would that work over a few generations?

This is not a criticising comment, im just curious!!!:D:D

Sammag

miss.lost wrote: »

Just wondering, what then happens when, if you have a daughter, she in turn gets married.

For instance if her childhood name is, say, Lisa Murphy Macdonald and she marries Peter Simpson will she be called Lisa Murphy Macdonald Simpson if she too has the same view on keeping her own name? How would that work over a few generations?

This is not a criticising comment, im just curious!!!:D:D

No probs - my Sister-in-law asked e the same question a few weeks back.
To be totally honest I don't care what they do - it's their problem , I'm not thinking/worried about that far in advance. Who knows maybe I'll change my thinking when/if I have a baby girl. My maiden name can also be used as a Christian name so maybe I'd use that as my daughter's middle name. My sister did this with her daughter. The longer I am married the more relaxed I am becoming on what my surname is - it's just a name isn't it really at the end of the day.

'Lisa Murphy Macdonald Simpson' - I like the ring to it - sounds like some run of the mill Paddy who married into royalty with Scottish ancestry *LOL*

CathyMoran

miss.lost wrote: »

Just wondering, what then happens when, if you have a daughter, she in turn gets married.

For instance if her childhood name is, say, Lisa Murphy Macdonald and she marries Peter Simpson will she be called Lisa Murphy Macdonald Simpson if she too has the same view on keeping her own name? How would that work over a few generations?

This is not a criticising comment, im just curious!!!:D:D

My mum gave me her maiden name as well as my dads, when I married I took my husbands name as having my dads name and mine just did not work. Before I married I only used my dads name in any case.

miss.lost

Sammag wrote: »

No probs - my Sister-in-law asked e the same question a few weeks back.


'Lisa Murphy Macdonald Simpson' - I like the ring to it - sounds like some run of the mill Paddy who married into royalty with Scottish ancestry *LOL*

1. Good to kno somebody else is equally as nosey as me! hee!

2. I wrote that while eating a BigMac, watching the simpsons and trying to pick a typically Irish name, hey she could as easily been called Marge byrne simpson macnuggett!!! Lucky kid! Lol!:D

laobhaoise

We're thinking about taking eachother's names.

My fiancé is Czech and got the idea from a famous 1940s Czech politician, Tomas Garrigue Masaryk, who took his wife's name (Garrigue) as his middle name. Way ahead of his time.

I admit I find double-barrelled names a bit poncy, but I don't want to give up my own name, and it's much more feasible to share the same name if you're planning to have kids.

Enii

I didn't take my husbands name.

I gave him the option of taking my name if he wanted. He declined!

bnagrrl

My surname is Italian and unusual so I'm keeping it.
My fiance's surname is German and I don't really like it.
Even his sisters think I shouldn't take it as my surname is "lovely"!
My father thinks my fiance should take my name as my only brother has sworn he will never marry or have kids so there will be no one to carry on the name!

hairyfoot

Out of curiosity, can anyone give practical experience on the following in relation to changing or not changing names

1) from a work point of view. Is it possible / acceptable to continue to use your maiden name in a work capacity like an alias (i.e. keep your maiden name and the reputation that came with it even if you legally change to the married name)
2) from a having children point of view, have people experienced practical difficulties of having children with the father's name? e.g. with schools, healthcare etc? Dare I ask is the problem exasperated if the marriage breaksdown and the child still has a different surname?
3) how simple is it having a double-barrelled name in terms of paperwork? My mum was going to do that with her second marriage (in Australia) but was told she could keep the name of her first marriage, take her new husband's name but any other change (double-barrel or returning to her maiden name) had to be done by depol, which meant forfeiting her birth certificate

John Mason

everyone has good reasons for changing; not changing their names.

the reason, i am not changing mine is cos i couldnt be arsed with the paper work and the hassle of changing email address etc.

Frank Black

Why let other people annoy you - it's reasonably common these days.
My OH didn't take my surname and it wouldn't annoy me in the least.
Our kids both have my surname though - which if I'm being honest, I quite like.

Fino3

I'm 20 years married and never changed my name...people get used to it...Kids have his surname...OH is called Mr my name sometimes but I think whatever works for the couple...

Moonbeam

I can't wait to live in a house where everyone shares a surname:)
I think it is also different if you have kids as for alot of things it is easier to use their surname and for others it is nicer to use your own.
I intend to use both.

moco

I really don't know what to do! I'll be 33 when we get married and have had my name so long, I don't want to give it up. I think if I'd married very young it wouldn't have been an issue. I'm in a house of 3 girls so if we all marry, the name will die out, as my dad has only 1 brother who also has only girls.

My fiance wants me to take his name..I've suggested he take mine , knowing he won't but it might make him realise why it's not something I want to do.

I'll have to see how I feel closer to the time..I could possibly go double-barrelled.

LashingLady

I'm very flakey with my name change. I changed it on my passport and used my maiden name as my middle name. Both of our kids have my husband's last name.

However, I mostly introduce myself as my maiden name, I have just been offered a new job and that's all under my maiden name. All my old bank accounts are still in my name, but a new one and a new insurance policy in my married name....

I double barrelled my name on Gmail and Facebook......

I just can't commit!!! I quite like having this duplicity!

*But it doesn't really matter. All the banks, the revenue, social welfare, employer etc, they don't really care as long as you are consistent in your dealings with THEM.

axel rose

Fvck me what a difference from my old life to this one......... since my previous post to this one my husband died.

Within a couple of weeks I changed my name to that of my husbands and my son. I didn't want to have a different name to my child and have him disconnected to his dad. I'm now proud to have my husbands name- (I know he'd be laughing at me now ).

POKERKING

I got married and my wife took my name.

To be honest i would be annoyed if i married someone and they didnt take my name.

No offence to anyone here but i hate double barrelled names.

toadfly

POKERKING wrote: »

I got married and my wife took my name.

To be honest i would be annoyed if i married someone and they didnt take my name.

No offence to anyone here but i hate double barrelled names.

Why didn't you take her name if you wanted for you all to have the same name?

Gatica

+1, you're very welcome to take your wife's name....

Zaph

POKERKING wrote: »

I got married and my wife took my name.

To be honest i would be annoyed if i married someone and they didnt take my name.

Do you mind me asking why? It's a pretty outdated mentality in this day and age.

POKERKING wrote: »

No offence to anyone here but i hate double barrelled names.

This I agree with, I think double barrelled names are ridiculous and I always think they're a little pretentious, even if I know the person is anything but. My fiancee has told me that she'll be taking my name and that's entirely her choice. But if she wasn't I'd prefer that she kept her own name rather than go double barrelled.

toadfly

Zaph wrote: »

POKERKING wrote: »

I got married and my wife took my name.

To be honest i would be annoyed if i married someone and they didnt take my name.

Do you mind me asking why? It's a pretty outdated mentality in this day and age.

POKERKING wrote: »

No offence to anyone here but i hate double barrelled names.

This I agree with, I think double barrelled names are ridiculous and I always think they're a little pretentious, even if I know the person is anything but. My fiancee has told me that she'll be taking my name and that's entirely her choice. But if she wasn't I'd prefer that she kept her own name rather than go double barrelled.

Agree completely.

POKERKING

Zaph wrote: »

Do you mind me asking why? It's a pretty outdated mentality in this day and age.



This I agree with, I think double barrelled names are ridiculous and I always think they're a little pretentious, even if I know the person is anything but. My fiancee has told me that she'll be taking my name and that's entirely her choice. But if she wasn't I'd prefer that she kept her own name rather than go double barrelled.

I'm just a bit old fashioned with regards her taking my name(despite been young), most generations of our families did it, i dont see a valid reason why we should all of a sudden stop. I also like to see my family name live on, if that makes any sense?

Gatica

I'm sure women wouldn't mind having their name live on either.

There are plenty of things that were done for generations, didn't make it right or stop common sense from eventually prevailing. Women weren't allowed to vote for instance. Well I'm glad the people who've changed that weren't all like, "Well, it's been like that for generations. And sure, why would they wanna vote anyway?".

POKERKING

Gatica wrote: »

I'm sure women wouldn't mind having their name live on either.

There are plenty of things that were done for generations, didn't make it right or stop common sense from eventually prevailing. Women weren't allowed to vote for instance. Well I'm glad the people who've changed that weren't all like, "Well, it's been like that for generations. And sure, why would they wanna vote anyway?".

Well i'm glad i married a like minded woman!

Whats common sense here? Take a double barrelled name? Take wifes name? keep your name? There's no "common sense" here with this issue, no solution is more right than the next its down to opinion and in my opinion I wanted whoever i married to take my name, and if they didnt agree they prob weren't right for me anyway! Lucky for me the 1st woman i wanted to marry wanted to take my name so problems avoided here.

lucycat

I kept my own name and had informed the husband of this well in advance of wedding. He is possibly the most laid-back man alive so he didnt mind. Agree with the posters on the double-barrelled names, I just dont like them and sometimes they can really sound terrible - a girl I work with is called _ O'Carroll-0'Hagan! Yikes!

We aren't having kids so there won't be an issue with the names they would have but I think that if we were having them I would insist they had my name - after all, who carried the little blighters for 9 months?

Kooli

moco wrote: »

I really don't know what to do! I'll be 33 when we get married and have had my name so long, I don't want to give it up. I think if I'd married very young it wouldn't have been an issue. I'm in a house of 3 girls so if we all marry, the name will die out, as my dad has only 1 brother who also has only girls.

My fiance wants me to take his name..I've suggested he take mine , knowing he won't but it might make him realise why it's not something I want to do.

I'll have to see how I feel closer to the time..I could possibly go double-barrelled.

I might get flack for this but to me the answer is obvious - don't change your name! Why would you if it's not what you want?
Yes, it may be your fiance's preference, but as it's YOUR name, I think your preference takes priority here!!

In response the the OP, I didn't change my name and no one's had any issue with it (to my face anyway!). People have asked why, and I've answered, but I've never interpreted that as a criticism. Actually a lot of people who asked me why are my unmarried female friends, and usually the conversation was in the context of them not having decided what to do yet, so they were looking into all sides!

watna

What kind of people do you all have around you that are so pass-remarkable on whether you're changing your name or not? Can't believe to many people have had others judging their decision. How does it affect them what your name will be? People are weird, aren't they?!

I'm changing my name, my fiance couldn't care less if I do or not. He says he would never change his name so understands if I don't want to. Anyone that has asked me if I'm changing my name hasn't commented on it really.

CaliforniaDream

My boyfriend wants me to change my name, I don't. So I'm not going too.

And in response to someone saying 'they probably weren't right for me anyways' - well that's a bit ridiculous.
My boyfriend and I hardly think we're suddenly no good together because we have a different opinion on something. You could be perfect for a person and still disagree on name changing. It happens in other areas all the time.

I won't budge on changing my name, simply because I don't want to change it. If people are put out by it I don't really care.

Do what's right for you.

peggie

when i got married i officially went double-barrelled.
i didn't want to loose my own identity, esp professionally but i also wanted to acknowledge that i am married to my lovely husband and am proud to be his wife.

at work i won't change my name at all as i see it as my professional name and as i've been working for over 10 years in the industry i'd like to stay that, most of my colleagues have kept their maiden name at work

outside of work its funny how seldom you use a surname!- when i book restaurants etc i use his surname

anytime i try to use my full name i get such nasty comments about double-barrelled names i find it hard to use it, why people feel the need to share their opinion i fail to understand, i might not like someones first name but why on earth would i say it to them as it would be considered nasty and rude- yet people think its perfectly acceptable to rubbish my surname

if we have kids they will have hubbies name so they won't have to put up with the hurtful remarks i have had to smile through

bang_bang_rosie

I am going to change mine to my fiances name for the simple reason, I hate my surname and he has a really cool unusual one. If it were the other way around though I probably wouldn't.
However for professional purposes I will keep my maiden name, because it makes life easier, rather than get official certs changed etc and for passports etc I will wait until it's time for renewal. Weddings are expensive enough as it is
I think just do whatever your are comfortable with, you can always change your mind later.