Strained sibling relationship

LegacyUser

One of those sibling threads But, I need to vent.

I have an ongoing problem with my sister. I have a constant under current of resentment towards her.

My main problem is her constant belittling and negativity. It really gets to me and works in knocking my confidence. Since finishing college I have been pretty much unemployed and she taunts me by saying she would have been able to get a job by now as she has friends in the area I am qualified in. She refuses to give me the contacts that would help me get a job/work experience. Her arrogance is just so irritating I could scream.

Since she has moved back home I have really noticed that my relationship with my mum is effected. Her constant praise of my sister and her looking down on me for not being able to get a job makes me distance myself from her. I don’t tell either of them when I have an interview as I want to keep some dignity and keep the belittlement to a minimum.

In the past I have dealt with it by cutting out contact with my sister (avoiding being in a room with her/ not talking to her). This was somewhat effective as I regained confidence. However, it does lead to an awkward atmosphere.

To some this may seem very immature but it is difficult to overcome continuous degrading. I was wondering if there were people out there that have been in a similar situation and have any advice on how they handled it or overcome the feeling? Thanks

coillcam

Hey OP, this sounds quite a bit like my bother and I. We shared a room always and whenever I was back from college or Dublin for any extended period of time he was always annoying me about something. From music, clothes, going out, how I spend me money, my circle of friends etc. It reached a head between last summer and this winter though and I've moved out just a few weeks ago when I got some cash together. This is the only peace that I have been able to get.

I got made redundant at the start of last summer and was out of work right up until xmas, all of which time he kept branding me as a lot worse than a useless waster we'll say. Maybe he negates the fact that it was me that created his CV and applied for on his behalf to his current job :rolleyes: I've tried everything with him, reasoning, challenging him on his own "shortcomings" to just plain ignoring and avoiding him. Only the latter has somewhat worked, the less I see of him the more pleasant he is to me. While I'm 22 and he is only 19 obviously our relative immaturity and testosterone plays it's part but when he stayed at his gf's place or I was away we'd get on relatively okay and help each other out with stuff sometimes - ebay or cars for example. I suppose though when I think of it, back in college 2 of my mates who were good friends then, moved in together and within 3 months one had to move out as they were way too intense in a day to day living environment. Which is definitely the case with my brother and I too. It looks to be the same for your situation.

My advice is not the proper solution but I reckon you might be better off keeping your distance and sanity, rather than turn into some of those mad siblings who won't speak until their mothers funeral 20 years later because someone wouldn't change the TV channel

How old are you guys by the way?

LegacyUser

I am 21 she is 25. I have lived away from home for college. But since I've finished and am not financially capable of moving out right now I need to find a way to deal with it. The avoiding contact then talking to her again after a while doesn't really work because she brings the same things up everytime we do have conversation.

*Honey*

I completely understand where you're coming from. I have 3 sisters, one of whom I have no time for, don't speak to, couldn't care less what the hell she does.

For years I tried to make the effort but she was a liar, a cheat, she had a nifty line in immense negativity and was the eternal victim in everything (NOTHING was EVER her fault, always someone else's - often mine). Everyone bought into it all for years but, over time, they realised that she was the one with major issues.

After some really bad times when she really went overboard, I decided to cut all ties with her. She has very little contact with any of my family now (her choice), in fact she's not spoken to my Dad since last Father's Day when he had to phone her!!!

What I'd say is, ignore her as much as you can. I would guess she's got some major self esteem issues herself and it makes her feel better to make you feel small. Your Mother shouldn't buy into this at all (but most of family did with my sister too until they all copped on to her) and it's unfair of her to do that. Do whatever you need to do to get on with your life - if she makes a comment about why you're not talking to her, tell her "the day you're civil to me and treat me with respect, is the day I'll be happy to talk to you". I know others will say that you should sit down and talk to her about it but I also get a strong impression she's not the type that will even recognise her own behaviour if you spoke to her about it.

Protect yourself, don't listen to her crap and do what you need to do to get through. Hopefully you'll get a job and be able to move out and not have to deal with it at all.

Best of luck.

smileysurfer

QUOTE : I completely understand where you're coming from. I have 3 sisters, one of whom I have no time for, don't speak to, couldn't care less what the hell she does.QUOTE

.......... I personally cannot understand how anyone could feel this way about their own flesh and blood! :eek: Then again im not in the situation so im also not going to judge.


OP im going out on a limb here but is there any chance that because you ignore your sister, shes now feels the only way to get attention is to upset you? Iv seem this happen before.
How you ever confronted her about it?

*Honey*

smileysurfer wrote: »

QUOTE : I completely understand where you're coming from. I have 3 sisters, one of whom I have no time for, don't speak to, couldn't care less what the hell she does.QUOTE

.......... I personally cannot understand how anyone could feel this way about their own flesh and blood! :eek: Then again im not in the situation so im also not going to judge.

Believe me, if I had the energy and the time to tell you the whole story, you'd feel differently. I gave it over a decade but finally accepted the fact that you cannot choose your family. Just because she's related to me, doesn't mean that I like or love her. I'll just put it this way - she's toxic. My belief is that life is too short to have a toxic relationship with anyone ... I'd rather be true to myself and stop trying to make a bad thing good again when it simply can't.

sillyputty

*Honey* wrote: »

I completely understand where you're coming from. I have 3 sisters, one of whom I have no time for, don't speak to, couldn't care less what the hell she does.

For a second i thought i posted that and forgot.
I am in exact same situation. We both live at home but i can seriously go from one end of the week to the other without saying boo to her, this is how i deal with it and it may not be an option for you.
Imho all you can do is go about your business as you see fit ignore the petty comments, keep searching for a job and don't get bogged down in the negativity.
If you're tired of the constant praise your sister seems to be getting from your mum tell her about the job interviews - believe me she will be impressed you're trying to get a job. Maybe when you get a job things will calm down at home and your sister will have nothing to snipe about.

Handsome Bob

JustOkay wrote: »

One of those sibling threads But, I need to vent.

I have an ongoing problem with my sister. I have a constant under current of resentment towards her.

My main problem is her constant belittling and negativity. It really gets to me and works in knocking my confidence. Since finishing college I have been pretty much unemployed and she taunts me by saying she would have been able to get a job by now as she has friends in the area I am qualified in. She refuses to give me the contacts that would help me get a job/work experience. Her arrogance is just so irritating I could scream.

Since she has moved back home I have really noticed that my relationship with my mum is effected. Her constant praise of my sister and her looking down on me for not being able to get a job makes me distance myself from her. I don’t tell either of them when I have an interview as I want to keep some dignity and keep the belittlement to a minimum.

In the past I have dealt with it by cutting out contact with my sister (avoiding being in a room with her/ not talking to her). This was somewhat effective as I regained confidence. However, it does lead to an awkward atmosphere.

To some this may seem very immature but it is difficult to overcome continuous degrading. I was wondering if there were people out there that have been in a similar situation and have any advice on how they handled it or overcome the feeling? Thanks

I know what you are going through. All you can do is look your sister in the eye and tell her as firmly as possible "I don't give a **** about what you think. I do not value your opinion if your sole objective is to belittle me". It has worked for me, I'm still okay with my older siblings but they know not to thread dangerous waters with me. Just reaffirm to your sister and yourself just who's the boss of you.

As far as your darling mother goes, point out to her that your oh so perfect sister has just moved back into the family home and, as a result, is not the high flyer she thinks she is.