Dealing with his addictions...

LegacyUser

hi everyone... need some outside perspectives, as am having trouble seeing the wood for the trees.... My OH of 6 years is breaking my heart, but am not sure if I am being oversensitive... since we started going out, he was open about his gambling addictions, and through many thick & thin situations, we made it through and found a way to contain it, although it's not totally gone.... We have an arrangement now where my/our financial position cannot be threatened, and we are doing nicely....

Alongside all of this, was a slight addiction to exercise, (well, by other peoples standards), 60-90 minutes exercise daily, but it kept him healthy & helped straighten his head out, so I saw no issue with that... However, several months ago, he injured himself and hasnt been able to train, and now seems to have replaced this with incessant flirting & texting with women he meets online / Bebo etc... He accidently left his Dating site profile open on computer one day, and this is how i found out...

when i confronted him, he said it was nothing & denied it, only to then admit that he filled his spare hours (was out of work at the time) on these sites, flirting, being suggestive etc , cos basically it made him feel better?!... Several times since that first incident, I have caught him texting & emailing, and it seems that despite knowing it hurts me so much, and I that i view it as a form of emotional cheating (1 email i saw in particular dissed his life & our relationship, as being boring ..), he continues to do it, and 'can't stop' himself....

He has sworn blind that he has never met up with any of them, although he has admitted talking to a few girls when he's out with the lads, getting phone numbers etc and keeping in contact with them... I always believed deep in my heart he hadnt been physical with anyone else, but he has lied to me so many times about not doing this stuff anymore, that I have lost my trust in him and am beginning to doubt what he says, and doubt my own mind too.... I have stood by him (with the gambling) when any other woman would have walked, and I just feel it's all been for nothing......

Am I being totally unreasonable in my expectations that he stop this ****, or should I just acknowledge its just harmless flirting? He has told me Im the only one he sees himself with, but still needs to know sometimes that 'he still has it' i.e. be attractive to other women..... I have never been unfaithful, and dont condone that type of stuff in any way (sorry, am very black & white on that issue)... Has anyone else experience of this? Thanks for takig the time to read this....

sardineta

Is it a realistic option to break up?

Gambling is a HUGE red flag IMO being one of the most destructive of addictions. Another flag is his sexualisation of these strangers, a channel for want of a better word of a type of "feelings" he seemingly no longer has for you. As to the announcement that your relationship is "boring"...not looking good really.

MagicMarker

The relationship is doomed IMO.

You can't trust him and I can't see how you could ever trust him, how do you know he hasn't done this throughout the whole relationship? You don't.

Rebel021

MagicMarker wrote: »

The relationship is doomed IMO.

You can't trust him and I can't see how you could ever trust him, how do you know he hasn't done this throughout the whole relationship? You don't.

Have to agree
Once you lose trust in a relationship its doomed

bluecell99

To be blunt also my advice is get out and get your life back.
Ask yourself why are you in denial?At which point did you lose your natural ability to see things clearly?You must know deep down that he will never change
It is not going to happen.You cannot change people.You must look after yourself.Yes it will be tough initially but in a couple of months you will be a different person.

You owe yourself the chance to be happy and get on with life.Why be dragged down by other peoples problems?There are many,many others out there who bitterly regret staying with someone for life and denying themselves true happiness.

Best of luck.

Koushki

Jaysus. He's absolutely no good, after all you did for him and he goes out and pretends he's available to girls he meets when ''out with the lads'' and STAYS IN CONTACT?

sorry he's obviously met up with them, and most likely cheated on you, cause he obviously doesn't care about your feelings.

Not only that, he has a gambling addiction.

a big NO-NO.

it'll be hard, but you will meet someone better eventually, even if it takes years. no one needs that.

Bricriu

If you stay in this relationship you're definitely going to get where you're headed. i.e. relationship hell!

Get out fast and Google 'Codependence'.

LegacyUser

the fact he even looks out for these sites tells a story if u are happy in a relationship like i am u dont go looking for female friends on these sites if u are happy with your partner i look at porn like most people when i need a lift or am in need thats fantasy to deal with people with emails or texts sayes he is looking for more than a quick fix and to describe your relationship to straingers does not show a lot of respect for you,you deserve much better me and my girlfriend have had a lot of problems over the 5 years we have been together but we are always honest with each other and to do what he has done to u in our eyes would be reason enough for us to know that would be the end once u start looking past your partner or a bit of porn its finished

TripleAce

sardineta wrote: »

Gambling is a HUGE red flag IMO being one of the most destructive of addictions.

Not really.....a man must release his adrenaline somewhere, usually is either gambling/competing or women. I don't think he gambles for the money but more for the challenge, so as long as it doesn't affect his (and OP) financial situation there is nothing wrong with it....

sardineta

TripleAce wrote: »

Not really.....a man must release his adrenaline somewhere, usually is either gambling/competing or women. I don't think he gambles for the money but more for the challenge, so as long as it doesn't affect his (and OP) financial situation there is nothing wrong with it....

Call me old fashioned, but in my world, men play sport to release their adrenaline.

Obviously Gamblers Anonymous think differently.

MagicMarker

TripleAce wrote: »

Not really.....a man must release his adrenaline somewhere, usually is either gambling/competing or women. I don't think he gambles for the money but more for the challenge, so as long as it doesn't affect his (and OP) financial situation there is nothing wrong with it....

Yep, and I'm sure if he were a heroin addict it would be okay so long as it doesn't effect their financial situation*

An addict is an addict.

*Sarcasm.

TripleAce

sardineta wrote: »

Call me old fashioned, but in my world, men play sport to release their adrenaline.

Yes I agree, this is why I mentioned "competition".

LegacyUser

When you say your financial situation cannot be threatened, do you mean you're ok for money or you two have heavily invested in a property/venture of some sort? Because at the end of the day its no reason for the two of you to stay together. And if you're financial situation is ok you really can walk away with no worries.
He should not be "entertaining" other women when he is clearly in a relationship with you for the last six years. It's not acceptable. It may be part of all to do with why he gambles, he needs something exciting him all the time perhaps? It's complete lack of respect to you. I would strongly consider getting out and deal with the ramifications later. And in my opinion it hasn't just been texting etc. I'm sure there has been cheating of all sorts too.
I've been where I've been cheated on and all sorts and it will destroy you if you don't get out soon. The gambling thing too is worrisome, and when further commitments like children eventually come along its really something you don't want bubbling along and then getting completely out of control.
Please get out if you can find it anywhere within you to do so. I wouldn't believe for one minute he hasn't slept with anyone else. If there's a house etc involved make it nice and legal and clean and walk away to better things.
You don't need this in your life. CL