Too little too late

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Question for all separated or nearly separated out there. Things have been fairly bad with the husband for the last while and we have not been having a good time. I eventually said that I have had enough. I told him I wanted us to go to counselling and he said no - so just when I have given up and emotionally have shut down, he now wants to go to counselling and is becoming affectionate.

Is it because he realises I was serious. I mean we are sleeping in separate rooms and I have taken my rings off.

What do you think ? Just feeling a little low as I am feeling it is too little too late. Do I try to save what I have given up on do I try to save what might be ...

glezo

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all,

Question for all separated or nearly separated out there. Things have been fairly bad with the husband for the last while and we have not been having a good time. I eventually said that I have had enough. I told him I wanted us to go to counselling and he said no - so just when I have given up and emotionally have shut down, he now wants to go to counselling and is becoming affectionate.

Is it because he realises I was serious. I mean we are sleeping in separate rooms and I have taken my rings off.

What do you think ? Just feeling a little low as I am feeling it is too little too late. Do I try to save what I have given up on do I try to save what might be ...

i know excatly where your coming from
i was wit my husband for total of 11 years had 2 kids.
he was a alcolic that put drink before me and the kids i gived him so much chances begged him to go to AA he wouldn
begged him to stop.
i asked him to go to councelling he would
he hurt me so much throughout

been honest even though hes now realising your serious, doent mean all will be rosy again for the rest of your lives
he will go back to been the way he was
it took me 5 wasted years to get out of my marrage

dont waste any more unhappy years

but remember its up to you in the end
go with your heart not your head

LegacyUser

Hi Glezo,

Thank you for your response. I think that is the whole problem, there are two kids involved and my 'head' is saying sort it out for the kids, the kids, the kids, the kids. My head for the last I don't know how long has been saying sort it for 'the kids'.

My heart has stopped a couple of months ago, and now my problem is I feel like I want to go and have had enough, and funny enough I am finding it much harder now that I have made the decision, not because it has been made, but because I know how hard it is going to be, and it sounds weird, I know I am going to be upset, not because of what I am loosing, but because of what I already lost along time ago.

I miss the man I married and feel nothing for the man who is with me now. I am just tired, sad, worn out, lost, lonely - I miss my friend, my lover, my 'soul mate' or so I thought, and I now doubt everything I held dear and close, the rose tinted glasses are well and truly off.

Sorry for the rant... Thanks for reading.

Aseth

Unregistered wrote: »

I think that is the whole problem, there are two kids involved and my 'head' is saying sort it out for the kids, the kids, the kids, the kids. My head for the last I don't know how long has been saying sort it for 'the kids'.

Hi OP,

I'm not married (yet) so don't know if you would appreciate a view from someone like me
Anyway I don't think your kids will be happy if their mother won't be.
If you decide for separation and/or divorce you still have a chance to meet someone who will not only love you but your children as well.

glezo

Aseth wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'm not married (yet) so don't know if you would appreciate a view from someone like me
Anyway I don't think your kids will be happy if their mother won't be.
If you decide for separation and/or divorce you still have a chance to meet someone who will not only love you but your children as well.

yes i totally agree with you aseth, how can children be happy when they see their parents unhappy..
for their sake for the future its best for them cause it cud give them unhappy childhood memories.

and yes you WILL meet someone my problem for delaying so long to leave him was more for the sake of who would want me a woman with 2 young children so i hung it out and out and out for years untill one day i snapped and locked the door before he came back from the pub one night.


and that was that, great relief thought (for me) i know you will as you said miss you friend, your lover etc, but theirs many more out their who will love you and your kids as one bungle..

think hard its only you who can decide in the end,

Curvy Vixen

I think that you should give counselling a shot.

It doesn't mean that it will work ~ it's merely a tool with which to open your eyes and take home and make changes with. A lot of people think it'll be a miracle cure without realising the amount of work they have to put in outside of a one hour session a week. A counsellor never has the answers, they just try and guide you into finding yours...

If it doesn't work at least you can walk away saying 'well, I tried'. You can only be responsible for you and your actions, let your husband deal with himself. If you don't try you may spend the rest of your life wondering what if. And you have children so will always have a 'relationship' with your husband. If nothing else, a good counsellor will help you break up amicably.

Trust me, you will know soon enough if the counselling is helping. If it isn't then be honest enough to say so and tell your husband and our counsellor that you'd like to call it a day.

We did counselling in our marriage. We are now at the start of seperation proceedings. However, we are actually still friendly (most of the time!) but more importantly I can look myself in the eye and say I tried my hardest before I walked away.

If there is no abuse of you or your children then you owe it to yourself to be able to possibly walk away with a clear conscience.

Good luck whatever you do..

iguana

I agree with curvy vixen. Give the counseling a shot even if it's for no other reason than to let you know you tried and if your marriage does end you won't be wondering if you could have done more. Relationship counseling does help some people fix the problems in their marriage, but for others it lets them know for sure that separation and divorce are the best option for them. And it helps them end the marriage with as little bad feeling as possible.

It is also possible that your husband will change back, lots of people do. I know a couple who divorced due to the husband's alcoholism. But over the following 4 years the husband took control of his problem, dealt with it and the couple remarried and are happy together now. Obviously this is the exception rather than the norm, but it does happen, people can change if they want it enough. And it is possible that the real fear of losing his family has made your husband want it enough now.

I'd possibly suggest trying dating your husband along with counseling. Make an effort to go out, and do the type of things you did when you first knew each other. It will let you know if there is any of the person you met still inside him, and hopefully let you have fun together. If he isn't willing to try that, you will have an idea that maybe he doesn't want it enough.

LegacyUser

iguana wrote: »

people can change if they want it enough.

Do you really believe this?

Salome

Do you want the marriage to work? I think by the sound of it, when you suggested counselling the first time, you did want it to work but now, you don't.

Counselling will only work if you want it to.

Nevyn

Ok even if it is that you are gone beyond the stage were you can open yourself to him again and for you there is no hop what so ever in resurrecting the relationship or forming a new one with him ( this often happen you reach breaking point and the point of no return before they cop on ) then going to the couselling sessions can still help.

It will help you see were things went wrong and so that you can flag the issues on both sides and learn more about yourself so you don't carry them hopefully forward into a new relationship and it also gives him closure as to how and why things went wrong
and how it is too little too late at this stage.

iguana

Unregistered wrote: »

Do you really believe this?

Yes. Not everyone will, but many people do. There are recovered alcoholics, recovered anorexics, recovered self-harmers, even formerly abusive husbands who have completely changed. But the thing is they have to want to change. Nobody else can do it for them. Your husband might or might not change, I don't know. But some people certainly do and it is possible he will be one of them.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

Do you really believe this?

Yes.
But it's rare due to it being very hard work that is on going over a long period of time and requires 100% effort and willingness.
I can happen though.

Splendour

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all,

Question for all separated or nearly separated out there. Things have been fairly bad with the husband for the last while and we have not been having a good time. I eventually said that I have had enough. I told him I wanted us to go to counselling and he said no - so just when I have given up and emotionally have shut down, he now wants to go to counselling and is becoming affectionate.

Is it because he realises I was serious. I mean we are sleeping in separate rooms and I have taken my rings off.

What do you think ? Just feeling a little low as I am feeling it is too little too late. Do I try to save what I have given up on do I try to save what might be ...

Even though you don't feel like, I think you should definitely give counselling a go. What have you got to lose? I am separated years but, I always recommend counselling to any couple on the verge of separation. Unless of course,as it was in my case, the relationship is abusive...

In fact,I think all couples should have the opportunity to take a refresher 'pre marriage course' every couple of years. It's so easy to lose touch with the one you love when kids, pressures etc. come on the scene.

Remember the man you married, not the person he is now. He won't change but hopefully revert back to the man you initially loved...

Take it from someone who knows-separation is tough!

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I separated last year from my exH and I would say you should give the counselling a go.
My ex would not go to counselling so I went by myself and found it helped a lot to sort out my head and when exH left I was able to move on.
So what have you got to lose? My kids know I tried my best and I gave it my all. Ex still feels guilty and even though he was the one who wanted out he has regrets,mainly because he never got the support that I got from a trained counsellor. I went privately but had my name down with ACCORD and after while I got a free appointment with them on my own (ex would not go).
There are lots issues whether you stay together or not. If you decide to split you will need advise on how to grieve the loss of the life you had planned, also how to help your kids through it because they will need help too. We did the right thing splitting up,but it was a huge upheaval for the whole family and I was clueless how to go forward and make it as painless as possible for my kids. Don't underestimate the impact it will have on everyone especially kids. Good luck

Nitxteha

Depends on the reasons why you want to split up. If it's abuse, alcoholism or something major like that, it's hard to say stay with him because it may be dangerous for you and your kids.

If it's something else, maybe there's a chance. I'd suggest to try everything to save your marriage. Even take time off living separately to think, "date" again for a while, and get some space. Think things carefully on both sides after taking a major decition as it is divorce.

One way or the other I hope you feel better soon

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the responses. I am one of the very lucky ones in the sense there is no abuse, no alcohol involved, no 3rd party. My husband adores the children and has a fantastic relationship with them and that kills me to see as they love the ground he walks on.

It is depression on his part over 4 years causing the problem that I have had enough of the negativity and everything that goes with it. His get up and go, got up and went - without him. After me nagging him constantly he is in counselling and taking anti-depressants.

Just worn out and wonder have I left it too late to go. We have our first session this week and I will give it my all and am open to all suggestions the counsellor has to make - hell I stuck it out this long, whats a little while longer going to do.

Thanks again.