Official Masturbation Anecdote Thread

Chanandler Bong

I'll kick it off, this one was kinda doin the rounds at my bro's school

15 year old lad home for his lunch hour, gets the urge, decides to fit it in before his ma has his lunch ready.

Heads up to the room anyway and gets going. He's havin trouble concentrating cos his ma keeps callin from downstairs that his food's ready, but he's determined to finish. So he ignores her and shuts his eyes and gets back to business

Few minutes later he finishes, opens his eyes and sees his lunch on a tray at the bottom of his bed.

(I imagine they havent talked since)

Stercus Accidit

urban legend /\

UnderpantsGnome

Stage 1: Masturbate

Stage 2: ???

Stage 3: Ejaculate!

Mr E

I want to read the Unofficial Masturbation Anecdote Thread - where's that?

Morrisseeee

(I imagine they havent talked since)

...oh come on now, I bet YE have talked since !!!!:o

owenmakken

Chanandler Bong wrote: »

I'll kick it off, this one was kinda doin the rounds at my bro's school

15 year old lad home for his lunch hour, gets the urge, decides to fit it in before his ma has his lunch ready.

Heads up to the room anyway and gets going. He's havin trouble concentrating cos his ma keeps callin from downstairs that his food's ready, but he's determined to finish. So he ignores her and shuts his eyes and gets back to business

Few minutes later he finishes, opens his eyes and sees his lunch on a tray at the bottom of his bed.

(I imagine they havent talked since)

The oldest wankin story in the book, It was actually based on an incident that happened to me - except I wasnt **** I was just havin a go at my ass plugs

Chanandler Bong

Morrisseeee wrote: »

...oh come on now, I bet YE have talked since !!!!:o

We're getting there :rolleyes:


Yeah i know its urban legend, thats why i said "doing the rounds", but im sure people have better ones

Bellieshaker

Heard a story before of the Danger W*nk, lad up in his room going at it, near the end he calls his ma up so he has to quickly finish before she gets up to his room, thought it was weird but funny at the same time!!

homerun_homer

Ok you want a good one?? Try this, gauranteed to make you squirm.

Chuck Palahniuk's short story - Guts

Edit - Based on stories he has heard over the years.

NorthernRock

This guy called Thomas got caught "at it" in our school
We started calling him Thomas the **** Engine

petes

Bellieshaker wrote: »

lad up in his room going at it, near the end he calls his ma up so he has to quickly finish before she gets up to his room,

What if he doesn't? Cue his ma walking in and him about to splurge!

stovelid

Unfortunately, there can only ever be one winner. Details are here:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055093645

Diabhal Beag

My mate got caught by his mom **** after he fell asleep on the bed with his one-eyed-wonder-worm in his hand.

Needless to say that he had Jizzed in his pants :pac:

Chanandler Bong

homerun_homer wrote: »

Ok you want a good one?? Try this, gauranteed to make you squirm.

Chuck Palahniuk's short story - Guts

Sickness

godtabh

Mr E wrote: »

I want to read the Unofficial Masturbation Anecdote Thread - where's that?

I want to read the womens version you dirty perv

Toots

homerun_homer wrote: »

Ok you want a good one?? Try this, gauranteed to make you squirm.

Chuck Palahniuk's short story - Guts

Edit - Based on stories he has heard over the years.

Eewwwwwww!! I couldn't even finish reading that :eek:

Rhyme

A trucker is pulling an all-night run across a stretch of rough highway and boredom sets in. Now, normally he'd stick it out but tonight he really wants to squeeze one out. The bosses wife was in the truck terminal when he was pulling out for the run and she'd been on his mind ever since... the woman was gorgeous.

He resolves to stopping somewhere for a quick **** but nothing presents itself, no truck stops, no restaurants... nothing. Pulling over what seemed like the hundredth hill that night he decided to pull over on the lee of the next hill and jerk it. Seeing a likely spot he gets out of the truck with a plan forming in his mind, the night is quite balmy so an outside job is in order and if he brings the toolbox with him he can pretend he was fixing his truck if anyone stops to disturb him.

Pulling himself and the toolbox under the truck he extracts his own tool, closes his eyes and gets on with it. After what seems like a few moments he feels a pull at his shoulder but ignores it, another pull on his jacket and he retorts irritably "Can't you see I'm fixing my truck, can you f*ck off and leave me alone." To which the person tugging at his jacket responds, "You'd better take a look at the brakes while you're at it because your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

ibarelycare

homerun_homer wrote: »

Ok you want a good one?? Try this, gauranteed to make you squirm.

Chuck Palahniuk's short story - Guts

Edit - Based on stories he has heard over the years.

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

funk-you

Bellieshaker wrote: »

Heard a story before of the Danger W*nk, lad up in his room going at it, near the end he calls his ma up so he has to quickly finish before she gets up to his room, thought it was weird but funny at the same time!!

Great first post. Kudos.

-Funk

Fringe

Heard stories about this guy at school who whacked off while cycling home. Doesn't sound very plausible but this guy is notorious for things like this. I'm not that surprised.

Penn

a friend of mine w*nked in the toilets of the Empire State Building.

Another time, the same guy w*nked 7 times in under 2 hours. Calls it his personal best

Rhyme

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

Another time, the same guy w*nked 7 times in under 2 hours. Calls it his personal best

Never shake hands with this man.

Zadkiel

Young lad I know had a go with some dairygold as a lube substitute one day
The name Butter has stuck with him since. :eek:

KieranKennedy

Chanandler Bong wrote: »

I'll kick it off, this one was kinda doin the rounds at my bro's school

15 year old lad home for his lunch hour, gets the urge, decides to fit it in before his ma has his lunch ready.

Heads up to the room anyway and gets going. He's havin trouble concentrating cos his ma keeps callin from downstairs that his food's ready, but he's determined to finish. So he ignores her and shuts his eyes and gets back to business

Few minutes later he finishes, opens his eyes and sees his lunch on a tray at the bottom of his bed.

(I imagine they havent talked since)

That story has been going the rounds for ages, I am surprised that people still pass it off as their own.

So, to a proper, true anecdote of auto-eroticism. I was fourteen. My Dad was pestering everyone, looking for a book he had misplaced. He kept bugging me, so I went up to my room to get away from it all and to chill out. I decided to take one of brothers playboy magazines from his bedroom en route. I found a particularly pleasing aul bitch and I started masturbating, with my back to the door of my room. Just as I reached the moment of truth my dad burst into the room. Luckily, I was just about able to hide the salami in time. He asked me "Are you sure this book isn't up here?" Although I am certain that I am in the clear, I decided to vacate the room, as I kick the magazine under my bed. I walk out of the room, convincing myself that the weird look my dad gives me is all in my head. I go downstairs to the kitchen and grab a drink from the fridge. As I am looking out at the darkness of the night through the screen doors, I see something on my tee shirt. I look down and notice that the whole bottom half is covered in...something. I quicky change tee shirt, realising that I was completely and utterly stung. The aul lad as never metioned it, and perhaps unsurprisingly, neither have I.

petes

I had a **** the other day. I came.

minidazzler

A mate of mine got great pleasure when we were still in school by masturbating down the back of his maths class. When I was told about it I couldn't stop laughing for 20 mins straight!!!

He has since Riden the married maths teacher. He's a legend like that!!

Toots

There's a whole webpage of these stories, good for a laugh :pac:

Probably NSFW!

Quazzie

stovelid wrote: »

Unfortunately, there can only ever be one winner. Details are here:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055093645

Linking to PI is a bannable offence.
post reported

Terry

Thread closed.

Subscribe and use the sex and sexuality forum if you want to share masturbation stories.