Jehovah's witnesses - leaving the society

AnneLaure

I was wondering is there anyone on this forum, that has left or tried to leave the Jehovah's witnesses.
A good friend of mine wants to leave as she has met a person of different religon. But tthe anguish she is going through is beyond belief.
I dont mind what religon anyone follows and dont want this to be a Jeh Wit bashing. But this girl is not in a good way.
She is afraid her family will dis-own her. She is an intelligent well travelled woman. I cannot understand that a relgion could have such a hold on this level headed woman.
Most of her friends are Jeh Witnesses,and she was "born" one, her parents are of the belief.
Is it possible things are so bad that the group who say they love eachother as witnesses could turn their back on her and that the elders will ask other witnesses to shun her?
what type of religon is that? not one stemming from love.
I am interested in anyone replying who has left and has advice for her.
Why is she not allowed to question her faith and the elders? i dont believe her onloy problem is just her love interest, i believe she is stuggling with the faith either ways. She once mentioned to me that JW's do not bring their kids up to be JW - that they leave them decided later in life - she has told me she has heard her own parents say this. But yet she remembers being thought of Jehovah from being a tot. Is this not inconsistent with what they preach?
I try not to contest or put anything in to her head - like freedom of thought but sometimes it is hard.
What should i do? and what is lying ahead for this lovely gentle woman

Nodin

http://exjehovahswitnessforum.yuku.com/
http://www.virushead.net/exjw.html

Fanny Cradock

Given the sensitive nature of this thread, I ask that everyone respond in a sensitive manner. Thanks.

PDN

AnneLaure wrote: »

Is it possible things are so bad that the group who say they love eachother as witnesses could turn their back on her and that the elders will ask other witnesses to shun her?
what type of religon is that? not one stemming from love.
I am interested in anyone replying who has left and has advice for her.

I have never been a Jehovah's Witness, but I have helped counsel a few people in this situation. How bad it gets depends how much her own family allows their compassion to overrule strict adherence to the Society's rules.

JWs are often instructed to shun someone who has been 'disfellowshipped'. I came across one extreme case where a man had to eat his meals in a separate room from his wife and children because they were instructed not to eat with him. I sincerely hope that your friend's family will let their familial love & affection see that is not the way to behave.

She is going to need good friends in the days ahead - so I encourage you to be such a friend.

am i bovvered

Hi, I'm using my husbands account but felt that I should reply.
I was brought up as a witness and left in my teens. I left before deciding to get baptised so I was never 'disfellowshipped' but it still took me years to reason with my former beliefs.
My advice would be for her to be honest with herself and those around her. If she is leaving because she wants to be with her partner but still believes in the religion then she will have alot of hardship ahead within her own mind. She will need alot of support and understanding. I know when I have talked to my husband about the way my mind was thinking over the years I must have sounded crazy but talking about my fears with somone who put things in perspective has finally helped me feel sane.
It is very likely that the friends that she grew up with in the religion will not talk to her if she leaves. It might not be the case within her family but possible. JW's do bring their children up to be 'in the truth' but you make the final decition to be baptised usually in your teens. By then though, you are totally brainwashed. I hate to use that expression but now looking back I feel that way. When you grow up as a witness you are not encouraged to associate with 'the world' so as not to be tempted by wicked things. You live in this world but with the view that it will soon come to an end and all those that turn their back on God (Jehovah) will be destroyed with it.
She could probably do with someone giving her a level headed talk about the situation from the outside. If she leaves, she will just have to work through things herself. I have been out of the religion for years and have family still within the religion who talk to me still. I know plenty of people who left and have returned. I think that the links that were left are interesting to look at, they might help.
The further away I got from the religion the clearer things became in my mind. She's lucky she has a friend like you that wants to understand what she's going through. Best of luck to her!:)

Fanny Cradock

PDN wrote: »

I have never been a Jehovah's Witness, but I have helped counsel a few people in this situation. How bad it gets depends how much her own family allows their compassion to overrule strict adherence to the Society's rules.

JWs are often instructed to shun someone who has been 'disfellowshipped'. I came across one extreme case where a man had to eat his meals in a separate room from his wife and children because they were instructed not to eat with him. I sincerely hope that your friend's family will let their familial love & affection see that is not the way to behave.

She is going to need good friends in the days ahead - so I encourage you to be such a friend.

PDN, if you don't mind me asking, whatever happened to this chap? Was/ is he a member of your congregation?

JimiTime

AnneLaure wrote: »

I was wondering is there anyone on this forum, that has left or tried to leave the Jehovah's witnesses.

A member of my immediate family left not too long ago. I also had experience with them, so i hope I can give some first hand information.

A good friend of mine wants to leave as she has met a person of different religon. But tthe anguish she is going through is beyond belief.

Not surprising. Leaving them is incredibly difficult if your family and 'friends' are members. She knows whats to come, as she has probably witnessed the shunning etc with others.

I dont mind what religon anyone follows and dont want this to be a Jeh Wit bashing. But this girl is not in a good way.

As PDN said, she'll need good friends at this time if she is feeling low.

She is afraid her family will dis-own her.

Again, as PDN said, it depends on the family. The official line, is that family members can still have a relationship with their disfellowshipped or disassociated family member. However, like so many things from the JW's, it comes with cavaets. JW's believe that they are the chosen elite, and anyone who has been a member and leaves or is kicked out is referred to as an apostate. They twist the meaning of apostate to mean anyone who is against JW's rather than someone who is against God. Seeing that they view themselves as Gods chosen ones, to go against them is to go against God himself.

She is an intelligent well travelled woman. I cannot understand that a relgion could have such a hold on this level headed woman.

I have to laugh in empathy here. I said the very same thing about a few people. Its amazing how really intelligent people are so hooked in on it. They have brainwashing to an artform. I suppose intelligent people can do some strange things.

Most of her friends are Jeh Witnesses,and she was "born" one, her parents are of the belief.

And that is where they like to have you. They discourage seeking relationships outside of 'the truth'. Biblical quotes like 'Bad association spoils useful habits', or 'friendship with the world is enmity with God', are used and abused to enforce the notion that people should really just mingle with other JW's. If all your friendships are within JW's, then leaving is so, so difficult because you know that the chance's are, they'll shun you. If you have no-one outside the religion, you'll feel very isolated and alone.

Is it possible things are so bad that the group who say they love eachother as witnesses could turn their back on her and that the elders will ask other witnesses to shun her?

100% yes I'm afraid. I've witnessed it so many times it'd make your head spin. Recently, my uncle, who was a JW (and a genuinely nice Christian man) passed away. We went to his funeral. Someone approached my brother (who left the JW's) that was a JW and was talking to him. She was then approached by an elder, who told her off for speaking to him. The guy who was his best man at his wedding was there, shunned him. Another guy, who was really close, shunned him. At this point let me say, these people, are really nice folk. I know it doesn't sound it, but they really are. They are just completely in the power of this wicked organisation (I'm not excusing them though. They have to take responsability for this behaviour). My brother a few years previously, though tormented by it, done it himself to someone (He later apologised).

what type of religon is that? not one stemming from love.

You're correct there.

I am interested in anyone replying who has left and has advice for her.

My advice would be this. DO NOT get bitter. Its going to get very nasty, and its very easy to be angry and bitter about it all. People like yourself, who will not understand how or why these people are doing these things to her should not compound the problem by getting angry etc. Support her, and make sure you are there. If she has been truly in the grip of the JW's, she has been programmed a certain way. While she might leave the religion, she'll probably still think she's in th wrong at times. The reason for her leaving, indicates to me that its not because she has discovered their faults, but rather for a man. In order for her to be rid of the mental anguish, she will need to learn, that they are certainly NOT 'the truth'(The term they use for their religion).

Why is she not allowed to question her faith and the elders?

Because if she does, she might discover its a crock. Of course, that not what the organisation says.

i dont believe her onloy problem is just her love interest, i believe she is stuggling with the faith either ways.

Well thats a huge positive. Hopefully she has seen the issues with them. I just hope she doesn't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

She once mentioned to me that JW's do not bring their kids up to be JW - that they leave them decided later in life - she has told me she has heard her own parents say this. But yet she remembers being thought of Jehovah from being a tot. Is this not inconsistent with what they preach?

Ah yes, I've heard this piece of propaganda myself. Usually its said in relation to baptism. You are taught it all growing up, very much so. Meetings on Tuesday, Thursday and Sundays. Then out on 'the ministry' for a couple of days too. Also, when younger, a bible study with a baptised member. Certainly, you 'decide' if you want to be baptised, but by the time you are 13, you're pretty much hooked.

I try not to contest or put anything in to her head - like freedom of thought but sometimes it is hard.

As a JW, she is likely pre-programmed to 'defend' any possible 'apostate' attacks or 'worldly' advice. I hope she has indeed seen some error in their ways, and it will lead to the house of cards falling down. However, the exposure to this group cannot be taken lightly. She has had years of programming, and it'll probably take years to fully de-programme. I'd say, be there for her as a friend, and be prepared. She could even believe that she is the one in the wrong.

What should i do? and what is lying ahead for this lovely gentle woman

Its hard to know what to do. Worst case scenario, is that all her JW 'friends', will zealously shun her. Her family may disapprove of her, and the relationship may become very trivial. Again, PDN said it well, it really depends on the family. Its a horrible scenario, thats no doubt. I've witnessed one of the nicest, most generous, loving, concientious christians have their name dragged through the mud by these people. Why? well even before he left he was asking certain questions. He then became what the organisation call 'marked'. This is an excuse to basically bad mouth a person, without actually saying anything. How does it work? Simple, and elder will say something like 'Just be careful with such and such'. 'Why?' may come the reply. 'Oh, nothing specific, just be wary'. Now, such a thing makes people think of all sorts. Its slander without slander, a cunning tool. All of a sudden, someone who is upright and good, becomes a bit of an outcast. Note, this is not the shunning. The shunning then occurs when the said mamber leaves or is disfellowshipped.

PM me, if you want to ask anything specific etc, or if your friend has any questions etc.

I hope this in some way enlightens you as to what your friend could be facing, and why it makes her scared. I hope she comes throgh this ok.
J.

kelly1

AnneLaure wrote: »

....the anguish she is going through is beyond belief.

She is afraid her family will dis-own her.

what type of religon is that? not one stemming from love.

Why is she not allowed to question her faith and the elders?

Hello AnneLaure, I would encourage her to question her beliefs.

Is her faith based on love or fear? The answer to that would tell her a lot.

I'll pray for her and you.

God bless,
Noel.

ChocolateSauce

I have some personal experience in this matter (second hand, not first hand), and I can say it is very touph. The JW's don't as a rule tolerate dissent, and there is a good chance of serious damage to one's relationships if one decides to leave. It is not uncommon for a person to be totally disowned by their family and expunged from the lives of those who do not deconvert.

The JW's share a large number of traits with the cult of scientology, such as a refusal to engage with members of another church on a meaningful level. On the "religious nutter" scale, with 1 being "meh" and 10 being a sucicide bomber, I'd put them at a 7.5 to an 8.

Goduznt Xzst

JimiTime wrote: »

My brother a few years previously, though tormented by it, done it himself to someone (He later apologised).

I think this is a large part of it. My cousin is currently still a JW, but he no longer accepts it, mainly for the fact that he's in college now and the JW's refusal to accept evolution finally made him see the wood for the trees. Unfortunately he made the mistake of getting baptized when he was a young teenager (even though they say it is all choice, he said it is not uncommon for a bunch of friends to get baptized together when they don't really understand the significance, within that religion, of doing so).

Had he not gotten baptized he would of been able to leave the religion without much issue and not be labeled "disfellowshipped" or an "apostate" (although they only get this name if they are found to be openly talking bad about the religion)

because he has been baptized now the only way to completely leave it is to be disfellowshipped by their "Elders". As he has grown up a JW he has seen people disfellowshipped and his participated in the gossiping and ridiculing of these individuals. Now that he is contemplating leaving he is aware his supposed "friends" will be doing the same about him.

I've been looking into this whole disfellowshipping procedure to help him out and hopefully get him out of this quagmire.

AnneLaure wrote: »

I am interested in anyone replying who has left and has advice for her.

My advice to my cousin might also help your friend. The JW's, like most religions, like to keep their dirty laundry in the closet. So the act of disfellowshipping is usually done by a group of the individuals local "elders" who meet with the person in private for a "judicial committee". It is commonly known, even amongst JW's, that these meetings usually turn into witch hunts by the elders to get the individual to confess. Most JW's will simply comply to going to the meeting as the Elders are usually family friends and people they have grown up with.

The best way to avoid being labeled "disfellowshipped" (which is usually publicly announced at one of their public meetings by an Elder to let all of the local congregation of the persons friends and family know that they should no longer associate with the individual) is to simply create a situation where you are both accepting to go to the "judicial committee" but also making it impossible for the elders to actually conduct the meeting. (refusing to attend the meeting will also get you disfellowshipped)

So, OP, my advice to your friend would be to simply stop being a JW (i.e. no more meetings or door knocking). After a period of time the Elders will try to arrange for a judicial committee meeting to assess why your friend is not participating anymore. Tell your friend to agree to the meeting but under some conditions that she will post to the congregation, have her send the conditions via registered post

These conditions are outlined here: http://www.watchtowerletters.com/our_letter_elders.html

The elders will not agree to the conditions as it makes it allowable for the individual to have a witness (could be the RTE documentary crew) present at the meeting. She will never be disfellowshipped and the Elders will not be able to tell anyone to stop associating with her.