Age gap?

LegacyUser

ive just started seeing a really nice guy, he's great but the thing is he's 8 years older than me. i'm 19, he's 27.
we're both in very different places in our lives, im taking a year out and trying to decide what to do in college next year while he's building a house.
the age thing dosen't really bother me i've always gone for older men anyway, we have a great time together and im really happy, we're not seeing each other for very long and the age thing hasn't really been brought up, it hasn't been a problem...

my question is, is it going to become a problem? is this doomed from the beginning?

i hadn't really thought about it until a friend said it to me that 8 years is a long time and i know she's right but can't help thinking so what? we're having a good time so why worry?

any opinions welcome.....

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

ive just started seeing a really nice guy, he's great but the thing is he's 8 years older than me. i'm 19, he's 27.
we're both in very different places in our lives, im taking a year out and trying to decide what to do in college next year while he's building a house.
the age thing dosen't really bother me i've always gone for older men anyway, we have a great time together and im really happy, we're not seeing each other for very long and the age thing hasn't really been brought up, it hasn't been a problem...

my question is, is it going to become a problem? is this doomed from the beginning?

i hadn't really thought about it until a friend said it to me that 8 years is a long time and i know she's right but can't help thinking so what? we're having a good time so why worry?

any opinions welcome.....

I would say that if you met in maybe 5 years time there would be no issue at all but, as you said yourself, you are both in different places now. I may or may not be a problem depending on how serious you are about this guy and if you allow it to effect the decisions you are making as to the direction you want your life to take.

I went out with someone 10 years older than me from the age of 20 - 24, during that time all of my friends went travelling, did all the good places Oz, New Zealand, Asia. I made the decision to stay thinking that I had met my life partner. I so regret that I didn't go with them & it definitely contributed to the break up (although not the only factor). You don't realise it when it's happening but you will do alot of growing up in your early 20's...you might be a totally different person in a couple of years time, I definitely am, and you might regret the choices you made during that period.

lee_arama

Age is just a number, but if you're worried a small bit about it there's a forumla which has been used for some time to determine your standard age deviation (bear with me here)

It's easy out. Take the older individual, halve their age, and add 7. For the younger you simply subtract 7 and double.

So 19 yr olds would appear safe dating someone up to 24... BUT, every year you age that upper limit increases twofold... So 20 matches with 26, and 21 with 28...

Does 21 and 28 seem outlandish? Hardly. My OH is 24, 25 soon, a 7 year age difference almost exactly. And it works fine.

So, OP: Relax. If you like each other then just run with it.

Slow Motion

Sorry but the whole formula thing is BS! OP my OH is 8 years older than me and I have to say while initially she had some issues with it, I never did and we are getting along great, it's been over 2 years now and going on strong!

Nevyn

There was 14 years between my grandparents, they 'courted' for 2 years and then were married for 45 until my GrandDad died.

So it's not a big deal until it becomes a big deal and then it depends on how you deal
with it and what you both want.

Why borrow trouble from tomorrow ?

00112984

OP, I started going out with my now-husband when I was 19 and he was 26 and that worked out pretty well

Seriously, it's not a big deal. In our case, I've just resigned myself to never seeing what the big deal is about Pac-Man and Adam and the Ants and he won't even raise an eyebrow when I start talking aboutPush Pops. Works both ways!

If anything, it has gotten easier since we got older (we're together 7 years) but it really wasn't that difficult at the beginning.

NewFrockTuesday

Im not of the same mind as the other posters, but so many people have happy relationships with big age gaps that one cant discount it working and working very well......

However, when you are younger and as young as you are, yes, I would be wary. The next ten years in both your lives will be accelarating at different rates and the danger with being with an older man is that it can turn into you being along for the ride while he sets up his life for another phase which involves kids and mortgage etx - while your life will be trying to get a job and move up the ladder or travel or whatever the hell you want - but I suspect not playing wifey by your 21st birthday.


If you were older - say 30s and he was late thirties, yes no problem with that at all. But 19 and 27 - there are just too many fundamental differences in lifestyle (if both are acting their age) for it to be healthy for both parties. That might sound cynical but it cant be ignored as a factor when making your decision. Of course date, be in love, be happy and enjoy - but be aware of the differences between you as well. They will become obvious and you have to be truthful with yourself when you examine them.

Good luck!

MagicMarker

Is there a problem with seeing someone 8 years old that you, at 19? No.

Do I think it will last? I doubt it.

You said yourself, you're in different places, he's building a home, you're barely (if at all) out of one. You'll be going to college, you may want to travel etc.

By all means continue though, only you can make the decision.

Koushki

i don't see a problem with it, the only reason you're thinking it's weird is because your mates have been saying that.
i went out with a man 5 years older than me, but we still got on great and loved each other alot, like age doesn't make a difference, not really.
i know there are exceptions, but if its going fine, it shouldn't really be a problem.

Redpunto

Just from a life perspective way of thinking, someone who is 27 is a generational gap compared to someone of 19 but as long as you are confident and its working as would any other relationship then go for it - cant see your parents being too happy bout it though.

Salome

He's building a house which means he's putting down roots at a time when you're possibly thinking of travelling for a year or two or working abroad. Is this your worry? I think you need to think about where this relationship is going. Are you looking to go travelling or are you a home bird who is looking for roots too?

I think at 19 this is quite an age-gap. In five years time, it would be irrelevant. You're only starting out, he may be a great guy but will you resent him if he holds you back?

It's not really the age that's the problem, but the fact you're in different places. I knew an 18 year old who had a 29 year old boyfriend, sounded crazy, but she was very mature, she'd lived abroad for a couple of years, fully independent and they were pretty compatible. They broke up but I don't think her age had much to do with it. You said yourself though that you want to go travelling, and if he wants to build a house etc, that doesn't gel very well with your plans...

stevelknievel

Unregistered wrote: »

You don't realise it when it's happening but you will do alot of growing up in your early 20's...you might be a totally different person in a couple of years time, I definitely am, and you might regret the choices you made during that period.

This guy's (or gal's) right. You will change more in the next 5 years than you did during puberty. You will be a totally different person by the end of it. That's not to say the relationship will going to fail though. 8 years is not that big a deal. The age gap thing only has only become a feature in recent years. Most people's parents have a big gap in their age. My da is 10 years older than my ma. Think carefully. College is a time of experimentation, mad mid week nights out and lots of alcohol. If this guys building a house, then he probably won't fancy hitting Quinns followed by Coppers of a Wed and Thurs night every week. Have you seen Intermission? The subject was sort of dealt with in that. I'd say give it a go. It could work out happily ever after. If you don't at least try, then you could be left wondering "what if" for years to come.

Crumble Froo

if ye don't see it as a big deal, then it isnt. if you feel in any way strongly about this guy, then give it a go. maybe things will be happily ever after, maybe the age thing will manifest itself and ye'll go ye're separate ways. maybe ye'll break up cos you're just not right for each other, same reason most people break up.

but if you feel in any way strongly about him, then go for it... otherwise you'll always wonder what if.

btw, my b/f and i started going out when i was 17 (nearly 18), and he was, i think, 37... at this stage im 20 (nearly 21) and he's 40, and we've been living together for over a year.

sometimes these things work out, sometimes they dont, but like any other relationship, you have to try before you know how it's gonna go.

MagicMarker

Crumble Froo wrote: »

btw, my b/f and i started going out when i was 17 (nearly 18), and he was, i think, 37... at this stage im 20 (nearly 21) and he's 40, and we've been living together for over a year.

sometimes these things work out, sometimes they dont, but like any other relationship, you have to try before you know how it's gonna go.

If you're still together in 5 years time I'll eat my hat.

And what would that have been achieved? He'll be a bachelor again and you'll be a 25 year old who missed out on some of the best years of her life.

BaZmO*

Unregistered wrote: »

my question is, is it going to become a problem? is this doomed from the beginning?

Hang on while I have a look into my crystal ball..........................nope....nothing!

No one can tell if it's going to work or not but one thing is for sure, every relationship has problems and imo the age thing is only a problem if you let it be. I you wwant to make the age thing a problem you'll certainly get your wish although it doesn't need to be that way.

Also, you can say that you're in different stages of your life but that can happen when two 33 year olds are together.

Webmonkey

I wouldn't see anything wrong with it, go for it. My sister has done it, and I think he actually older at the time.
One thing I will say to you is do not give up your independence. If you get close, don't move in. I think guys at this age could be wanting to settle down. I've seen it with my sister, she has moved in with your guy. She felt that she had to and I can see it is holding her back a bit.

No problem going out but don't get too serious. Too young for that.

Crumble Froo

MagicMarker wrote: »

If you're still together in 5 years time I'll eat my hat.

And what would that have been achieved? He'll be a bachelor again and you'll be a 25 year old who missed out on some of the best years of her life.

charmer, aren't you?

if, and i say if we have broken up in five years, yes, he'll be a bachelor again and ill be a 25 year old... but missed out on some of the best years of my life? im living them right now. ive moved to new zealand to be with him, left my home, left the familiar, come over here, found a new sport that's changed my life, made friends who ill stay in touch with for life and... oh yeah... had three amazing years of love, friendship and fun.

if i had have just left that relationship because he was 'too old', i'd have never experienced any of it and would have spent a damned long time afterwards wondering 'what if'.

so i stand by my original statement... if you feel strongly enough about him, OP, i reckon go for it. don't make a decision you could regret because of other people's preconceptions about age.

might work or might not, let the relationship rise or fall on the merits of the people involved, not on the ages.

Libertine2002

I'm now 28 and my girlfriend is 19. Maybe this can give you some perspective.

We've been together since her 17th birthday. For the first 6 or so months she lied to me about her age (I thought she was 19) and even then I was nervous about the age gap! When she broke the news I was livid but soon came to the conclusion that at the end of the day she was still the same person I fell for in the beginning, only she's much younger than I thought. Don't get me wrong, I still get hassle from people who don't approve of the age gap and see something perverse there and it really upsets me but her family have accepted me, even her brothers who are the same age as me can now overlook the age difference.

As soon as the people that matter accept it you can concentrate on making the relationship work and compared to my three ex girlfriends, who were roughly the same age as me, the dynamic between us is far better. From what I can tell women do appreciate an older, more mature man. I'll be the first to admit that men mature far slower than women, at least emotionally, and now having been in a very close and loving relationship with a girl 9 years my junior I can safely say that on an emotional level we're a perfect match. 2 and a half years later and we haven't even so much as raised our voices at one another, and I'm a difficult guy at the best of times!

Sure, I had to take things far slower than if she was older, but for what I have now it was completely worth it. If you can put up with the disapproving naysayers (which you will get, especially him) then you could be set for a beautiful relationship with far less conflict than you'd get from someone your own age. Best of luck to you both.

JonathanAnon

I think the formula thing is stupid as well. I was going out with a girl who was a good few years younger than me, similar to yourselves. I wouldnt bother thinking about it. If you're happy keep going, but it is probably unlikely that you will stay together through your college years.

there's no harm in trying if you are both happy though. good luck

LegacyUser

Libertine2002 wrote: »

I'm now 28 and my girlfriend is 19. Maybe this can give you some perspective.

We've been together since her 17th birthday. For the first 6 or so months she lied to me about her age (I thought she was 19) and even then I was nervous about the age gap! When she broke the news I was livid but soon came to the conclusion that at the end of the day she was still the same person I fell for in the beginning, only she's much younger than I thought. Don't get me wrong, I still get hassle from people who don't approve of the age gap and see something perverse there and it really upsets me but her family have accepted me, even her brothers who are the same age as me can now overlook the age difference.

As soon as the people that matter accept it you can concentrate on making the relationship work and compared to my three ex girlfriends, who were roughly the same age as me, the dynamic between us is far better. From what I can tell women do appreciate an older, more mature man. I'll be the first to admit that men mature far slower than women, at least emotionally, and now having been in a very close and loving relationship with a girl 9 years my junior I can safely say that on an emotional level we're a perfect match. 2 and a half years later and we haven't even so much as raised our voices at one another, and I'm a difficult guy at the best of times!

Sure, I had to take things far slower than if she was older, but for what I have now it was completely worth it. If you can put up with the disapproving naysayers (which you will get, especially him) then you could be set for a beautiful relationship with far less conflict than you'd get from someone your own age. Best of luck to you both.

Do you not worry that maybe your GF is missing out on some of lifes experiences by settling down with you at such a young age? Be it travelling the world or even just partying her way through college. Making mistakes with men that ultimately teach you how brilliant good guys can be.

I don't have an issue with the size of the age gap once it is two consenting adults but I think at 19 and certainly at 17, even though you might think it, you are not grown up enough to make those decisions.

BennyLava

To the OP age is only a factor if you let it be

there's 8 years between my other half and me (she was 20 and I was 28 when we started going out)

7 years later still going strong:),

if your happy, and all's going well enjoy it,

Libertine2002

Unregistered wrote: »

Do you not worry that maybe your GF is missing out on some of lifes experiences by settling down with you at such a young age? Be it travelling the world or even just partying her way through college. Making mistakes with men that ultimately teach you how brilliant good guys can be.

I don't have an issue with the size of the age gap once it is two consenting adults but I think at 19 and certainly at 17, even though you might think it, you are not grown up enough to make those decisions.

Thats a fair point but she has her buddies, she goes to all the usual parties, often without me. She's a typical 19 year old girl. Only she comes home to a guy older than her. She sees what her friends go through with younger guys and that makes her realise that being with an older guy is the right move. Why should she have to be heartbroken by some guy to realise "how brilliant good guys can be"? I never hold her back from being a teenager, thats the key to making it work.

SarahSassy

OP, its really really hard to meet someone you love and who loves you... Age is a number but it does seem quite a gap given your respective stages in life. In saying that, you have met someone you could be happy with and dont let POTENTIAL future isses come between you. I would feel that if it was long distance, ye were from very different cultures or serious language barriers would put more stress on the relationship than your age gap. You have a lot in common already..

This could be a fantastic relationship so grab the opportunity with both hands (;)) and enjoy..

It may work or it may not but thats true for all relationships even if the couple are the same age.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, thanks for all the advice, im definetley gonna give it a go with him, if the age thing becomes a problem later then fine but for now we're having a really good time and might as well run with it..

The way im looking at it now is if age gap dosen't bother me or him why should other peoples problems with it matter?
Im not the kind of person that will change myself, or miss out on things that i want to do for ANY guy, wether he's older than me or not, and he knows this as well as i do.

Theres no way of knowing what will happen in the end but theres only one way to find out..

ebmma

If two people of the same age break up because they, for example, argue too much and make each other miserable it is ok. They just weren't right for each other because of that.

If there's a gap in age than suddenly the break up is assumed to be because of the age.

Which is stupid. It can be a million of other things.

My husband is 4 years older, met him at 19, moved in at 20, married at 21

As for missing out on things, I actually do more "teenage" stuff now that I'm married. I had very strict and manipulative parents so I didn't actually got to do anything fun with my early teens. :( Fixing it now!

My sister in law recently got married to a guy 20 yrs her senior. They have a great loving relationship and 2 lovely kids. He's a lot of fun and she doesn't think she's missing anything.

So it might work, or might not work. There's only one way to find out

LegacyUser

Me and a guy 13 years my senior are very clearly crazy about each other but so far we've let the age gap get in the way.

banshee_bones

Had the same scenario myself when my friends joked about me going out on lunch dates and going for drinks with my 30 year old male friend when I was 21.. 9 year age difference.

It did make me think if there was anything in it, like they were saying there was and we should get together etc.

Nothing became of the situation and we are great friends, very close. But my thoughts on the situation from it are that you are in very different places, being in College, wanting to travel afterwards, men of that age are probably in a more secure place, financially, emotionally, career wise and would know what they want, or so i am led to believe.

However all said, if you feel strongly enough about him, life is too short to be wondering "what if" go for it and cross those bridges when you come to them.

LegacyUser

I'm in my 30s now but at 18 I hooked up with a guy who was in his early 30s then. We lived together 3 years and loved each other very much. I was quite immature and he was very patient with me and made lots of allowances for me being younger and all that. I always knew in the back of my mind that I'd leave him, and of course I did, to go travelling. Being in a relationship is wonderful, especially with an understanding older guy who's nuts about you. But in some ways, for me, it meant that I missed out on learning alot of stuff about relationships, and myself. And I still had to learn the hard lessons, but after manipulating my way around an older guy for a few years and playing up my sex kitten side as a way of dealing with things, I was a few years behind my peers. There is nothing wrong with being single at your age. It was also hard socially for us, cause there was no way we could fit into each other's gangs. He was heartbroken but replaced me with a series of other youngish girls. He missed out on alot of time when he should have been building a home and family and is alone now. I suppose I would tend to worry more for the older person in these relationships really, as the younger person always has something to move on to. But I suppose your man will still just be 32 in 5 yrs time so its not that bad. Of course, you have to follow through now OP or you'll always wonder what if! Have fun.