Feel dirty after 'encounters'

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. Thanks to any of you that take the time to read this.

I'm a 19 year old female college student. Ever since I started experimenting with lads, I have felt somewhat dirty, or something, in the days that followed. When I was younger it wasn't so much of a problem; it only affected me maybe the day after, or sometimes longer if it was with someone I felt I shouldn't have been with.

However, in perhaps the last 2 years, I find myself feeling almost disgusted with myself and cringing whenever I remind myself of what I did. Bear in mind that most of the time I was a sober willing participant. I constantly have flashbacks up to a month later, and feel like I just want to shower constantly and get it out of my head. I don't understand as usually I really like the guy in question. What's my problem?? I'm fine at the time when it's happening, this whole feeling of shame comes later. It really annoys me, as I don't think I could ever have a good stable relationship feeling like this. These thoughts and memories come to me unwillingly and without warning (I don't want them in my head! But I can't help it). I just try to shake it physically out of my head and try to distract myself with other things. But it usually comes back.

Please don't say that sex etc is not dirty: I know this, that's the worst thing.. If this were somebody else I'd probably think myself "What a prude".. I don't want to be like this. I want to be able to enjoy the memories as well as the act itself at the time. Is there any way I can fix myself??

Just to say as well; I don't think there's been any 'trigger' that's set this off e.g. a bad experience or anything. I have never been told by my parents (or anyone else I know) that it is wrong to enjoy sex. I just can't figure it out!!

MagicMarker

You obviously don't like the ''encounters'', so why not stop?

Yes it's fine to like sex, it's also fine to like sex with someone more meaningful than a one night stand.

LegacyUser

Im a guy and have had a few one night stand encounters. I would usually feel guilty after and think why did i do that. That was a 3-4 years ago and it just seems, for me anyway, the person needs to mean something to me for me to enjoy it. So now I only sleep with women I am emotionally attached to. Maybe you might find this is the same case for you.

Nevyn

Well have you tried thinking about it in a way that ties it back into sex and ertoicism ?
That is to think about it before or during masterbation ?

Salome

If these encounters make you feel that way, why don't you try celibacy for a while? You really should make sure you're comfortable - before and after - if you're not, just don't do it.

Wagon

Could it be that you don't even like the bloke much and more do it out of habit? If it makes you feel like this, why not just stop shagging random blokes?

VeryBerry

MagicMarker wrote: »

You obviously don't like the ''encounters'', so why not stop?

Yes it's fine to like sex, it's also fine to like sex with someone more meaningful than a one night stand.

+1.

OP sounds to me like one night stands or "encounters" with random guys are just not for you. Nothing wrong with that - they weren't my thing either.

What has been your experience (if any) of sex within a relationship? I think your reaction in this situation would shed some light on if the problem is more to do with shame re: sex in general, or shame re: one night stands in particular (which I suspect it is).

Bottle_of_Smoke

Wagon wrote: »

Could it be that you don't even like the bloke much and more do it out of habit? If it makes you feel like this, why not just stop shagging random blokes?

She said she generally really likes the guy in question.

Even if thats not the case its abnormal to have these feelings. Maybe its a self esteem problem, do you worry what people would think about you if they knew? are you generally overly-concerned about what people think of you in other walks of life?

Schmowen

I'm really sorry to hear about this . Sex can be such a wonderful experience in any situation , whether it's a one night stand or in a serious committed relationship . To have the feelings that your having , is not normal but not uncommon either .
Now I know you said that you've never had any bad experience with sex but it could stem from any time that you may have felt uncomfortable during an encounter , or at a time when maybe you thought you'd made a hames of it . I don't know , but if these feelings continue and it starts to put you off sex then maybe a sit down chat with your GP about how your feeling might be in order . I wouldn't want to give you advice on this as I'm not a psycologist/psychiatrist and might give you the wrong advice altogether .

K-9

triona97 wrote: »

Hi everyone. Thanks to any of you that take the time to read this.

I'm a 19 year old female college student. Ever since I started experimenting with lads, I have felt somewhat dirty, or something, in the days that followed. When I was younger it wasn't so much of a problem; it only affected me maybe the day after, or sometimes longer if it was with someone I felt I shouldn't have been with.

However, in perhaps the last 2 years, I find myself feeling almost disgusted with myself and cringing whenever I remind myself of what I did.

From reading that, you were sexually active at 16/17 but appeared ok with it then.

I think the problem lies there, not now. Why was 16 acceptable, but not 19?

Overheal

By experimented with lads do you mean one night stands? Why not just stop one night stands? Start dating. Malt Shoppes and Apple Pie! Theres an emotional component to sex I think you might be overlooking here. Or, could it be sexuality-doubt?

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Das Kitty

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I think you may be a bit down in general. I used to get the same way after a night out (not even drunk), I'd be cringing about what I had said to people or how they took it. I'd actually get a physical pain from thinking about it.

I'd say it has very little to do with the actual sex and more to do with your state of mind and feelings about yourself.

OksanaLV

OP, its up to you how you feel and act. Sex is there to be enjoyed but its even better when it is with someone that you are emotionally attached to. Take a step back, think, take some time out to evaluate yourself and when you are ready come back into the game.

Wagon

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

She said she generally really likes the guy in question.

Oops, sorry OP, I thought you said the opposite. Being the idiotic bloke I am my eyes jumped ahead of my brain.

Actually, I cast my mind back and I'm fairly familiar with that feeling you're having. I only had a sinlge one night stand but I walked away feeling somewhat similar. I didn't regret it or anything, but I certainly didn't want to do it again. I just thought it was pointless and it meant nothing and that I went the whole hog with a person who didn't give a damn about me in the end. Maybe it didn't effect you a few years ago because that was all you wanted yourself but now you might want something more?

Anyway, it's just a suggestion. I could be well wrong.

alexandros

1. Questioning your sexual orientation?
2. Becoming a nun?
3. Writing a book about it and calling Oprah?

--

Not sure what "experimenting" means to you.
Is that code for a "two-night-stand"?

Are you meeting people in a normal fashion, getting to know them over the period of (let's say a couple of days/weeks to not sound completely prudish) having sex with them, and never seeing them again?

Have you ever stayed in a relationship with any of the guys you slept with; long enough to experience the feeling of guilt while still involved with that person?

Or do you only feel guilty with people that you had sex with in the past; and no longer see?

Have you ever had sex with any of the guys again after having had the feeling of guilt about sleeping with them the first time around?

Wibbs

alexander.t wrote: »

1. Questioning your sexual orientation?
2. Becoming a nun?
3. Writing a book about it and calling Oprah?

alexander.t, this was hardly helpful to the OP. Please dial it down in future. Thanks.